My favorite color is pink and I want to be buried in the ground.

Last night I was busy writing a post about love. (I will indeed post it soon), i was interruppted from doing my post by a loud knock at my door. i go to the door (it's about 10pm) afraid that it was the crackhead I'd encountered the other day) I yell "who is it!" in my ghetto girl voice, hoping to sound like i didn't take no mess. The person on the other side yells back to me "E!"

my heart sank into my stomach. what was he doing at my house unannounced? in the middle of the night? I cracked the wooden door caustiously and kept the bar door shut. I said "what are you doing here?" He says "I miss you Jane. I'm sorry, really. I just need to talk to you."

Fear struck. Was he going to shoot me and then kill hisself? the way the man did at the McDonald's accross the street from my job last week?

I say "that doesn't explain why you just came over?" He says "I called you. you weren't answering. I texted you, you didn't respond. Then my screen on my cell phone broke and I couldn't look up your numbers. I missed you Jane. really. and I didn't want to go another day not speaking to you."

I prayed "God see me."

He says "can I come in?" I still have such a sweet spot for him. Looking back I should've slammed the door and called them people on him. but I didn't. I opened the door.

He sat on my couch. I sat across from him on the love seat.

For almost thirty minutes, I listened to him pour his heart out. I mean on some true dramatic shit.

Now, he's always been dramatic. so that wasn't outta character. He went on with lines like:

"I dont' want to be no where else. I don't want to not be here. I want to be with you. I want to share my life with you. When I'm not here I'm only half of me"

"I couldn't imagine you with another guy. I'm your man. I'm gon always be your man"

"Jane for real, I need you and MY. You'll are my girls. For real. I think about you two every morning when I wake up. I pray for you two everynight before I got to sleep."

"I've never been the kinda person that thought alot about what I wanted in the future. I jut figured whatever happens happens. But when I met you, you gave me hope. Hope for things that I never thought about having. With out you....what do I do?"

I say to him, "E you're a great person. I care about you. I think that you are wonderful but I don't want to be iwth you like that." He looked at me like he was about to cry. His voice got all weak like, he was holding back tears. I think to myself "Oh my God, please don't let him cry."

He says "I know that I messed up. I am human and I am sorry that I was the way that I was with you. You deserve better than that." Then he grabs my hand and was like squeezing my fingers.

I say "E, life isn't that way. You can't just put people on hold until you're ready. that's not how life or love works. I don't feel like that anymore."

He says "so you're done with me?" He stands up puts his hat on...looking like T.I.'s tall little brother.

I say "Yeah. I guess so. E."

He scrunches his face and sniffs back tears and says "I've never felt nothing like this. This shit hurts. likeit's painful. Like my insides hurt. I hurt"
He walks over to me. And wraps his arms around me. "Iloveyoujane. I would never intentionally do anything to disrespect you or hurt you. you know that right?"

I shake my head. His arms still wrapped around me. My insides shaking.

He continues, "and if you honestly don't want to see me anymore. I will leave you alone. "

I think to myself "damn he's so dramatic."

He

i AM still alive.

- life complicates your plans sometimes; therefore, i jane, have been m.i.a. for 50 million days on blogger. i'm back now bitches!

- MY, my fantasic little 5 year old is in Florida on the vacation i wish i could afford... disneyworld, bahamas, water park, massages, life and luxury...chillin with my parents out in WPB

-e, is offically out of the picture. expect for his occasional text message of a simple: "imissyou". the fact that he had intention on purposely impegnanting me (yes....i was like ay, yo bra I don't roll likes that! yafeelme?!) and a number of other things that led to our relationship demise.

- vh1 and i are something of an item. if i do dare to say so myself. don't say it. i know im a sucka for love. so what, don't like me! the truth is i enjoy being a part of a "we" as in we went to see the Hulk this weekend and we had lunch at Kabuki and I made sangria as he prepared homemade pesto and pasta with lemon shrimp all from scratch on a hot sunny afternoon so that we could have dinner and movie.....sigh....being in a "we" is always fun....

- my hair is on banging this week....

yeah I know my camera sucks! buy me a new one! ok these pictures do me no justice but i missed yall so hopefully you missed me.****looking out at the blog world, needing a little love****

- nina, email me your address so that I can send you flatrandy...he's been talking about you non stop for the last three weeks....ughhhh you two make me sick!

- I saw mr.wonderful last week. it wasn't uncomfortable. it wasn't weird. in fact we've been chatting a bit. only as FRIENDS nothing else. i wouldn't want to put yall through that again! ha!

-sony studios, my bestfrend, is about to pop. her baby is due anysecond any minute....and yes, I will be an auntie again!

- the following statements are made in complete awareness that I may be coming off like a homophob (which may very well likely be what i am, you tell me whether I over reacted).:

I am officially not friends with my refound friend bonee, that confessed to me that she was bisexual or gay or whatever. I feel like she was tryna have a selie and shoog avery momment (circa the color purple) with me the other night...."tramp i love dick!" oopps...sorry. but that is how i feel! I mean, if can respect that you like cooch; then respect that i love penis! matter fact I want a t-shirt made that says "I love penis" I love my own cooch, shoot I take it eveywhere i go like mastercard but i don't like other women in that tingly feeling kinda a way. and i don't like that someone who knows that would "try" something with me.....she didn't try to kiss me or nothing... she made me extremely comfortable...

1. she comes over talking about she spending the night...huh first she didn't ask could she and we grown ass women what we got to spend the night foe? you live right around the corner?!

2. we susposed to be going to the club and she get to my house not dressed, hair in disarray. talking about oh, i'm hook my hair up right now.

3. she say she don't feel well. I was like "why you comeover you knew I was going out?"

4.then she have the nerve to say to me "can't you just take care of me?" BITCH no! I ain't your dude! I was like "you gotta go!" put her ass outta my house.

-bigsis my older sister who's not talking to me, but i could give a shit, really. is due in september but she big as a seven-monther.

-oh, yeah i met vh1's friends and family the other weekend....it was intresting to say the least. one of his homies looks like a photocopy of lil john. so ridiculous. another one was looking fizzzine like chico debarge when he first got outta jail....um um um

- well i'm fina drink the rest of this sangria and have me a slice of chocolate chip cheese cake....

KISSES....stop that! no tongue!....ewwwww.

Oh....what a tangled web we weave...

so after two days of playing the he's-not-answering-his-phone game with e. i was getting my hair done on thursday...which came out simply beautiful, if i must say so my self i decided to send him a text that said it was over. done. finito. my hands were washed on the subject. he responded with a fury of phone calls and texts that i at first, refused to respond to.

all friday, i continued this silly game with him of "i'll call you right back". i had to stop and talk to myself and say "jane, what are you doing? how old are you? what is this game you're playing and why?" and so, when i recieved a call at 6:15am on saturday morning from a strained and by this time irritated e, i answered. i listened to 40 minutes of continuous explanation and even though, i was feeling 87% of what he was feeding to me, i decided to stay in my reserved position with him. i hung up around 7 with him, feeling like a chess player, like i had to decide which moves i needed to make....

around 10 i got a call from my friend that's a friend that i like more than a friend, lets call him VH1 for short, he wanted to make sure i was still rollin with him to his family gathering. i solidified those plans with him.

i got up got my toes done. somethiing about a freshly painted french tip that makes me feel uber fly.... go figure?! i got a fly ass fit for the day (skinny jeans, a black top and these cute little black and gold sandals). i picked up a gift for my daughter's fathers sister's baby shower-a rockawear pajama and bib set. came home and did up the make up and spiced up my flyness. haha.

the babyshower was strange. my daughter's father brought his girlfriend, that none of his family likes, to the shower. so when i arrived, his family was putting the ten on the two, about how much they like me. hugs and kisses were passed out. "oh, you look so cute's" were spread around generously. to the point were new girlfriend, obviously feeling uncomfortable, got up and went outside. i took that as my cue to make a gracious exit and had my daughter's father walk me to the car so he could get MY's bags (she stayed with him for the night) and i left.

i met up with VH1 at his families house, which happened to be right around the corner. he was looking pretty hot in a light blue "teenage millionaire" tee shirt and those first edition carmello's. i tried to ignore that fact. his family is super nice. one of those black families that you see on tv type nice. no one loud and obnoxious. just laid back. he fixed me a plate and cup of that remi and the good times began to roll. his cousins and i became instant friends and his aunts all winked at me. his uncles gave him the thumbs up and we started to act as a couple. not intentionally. sorta like on accident. i swear, i understand when people say they didn't mean for it to happen. it just started to materialize in that way. after about four hours of family fun. i caught myself in a momment of ten second eye contact with VH1. i tried to ignore it but it was nice. then vh1 asked me to the movies and i excepted.... we said our goodbyes to the family, feeling much like the Obama's leaving a convention., everyone had to say their two cents. uncles had to whisper thier advice and aunts had to stack up plates for us to "take home" and older ladies had more winks and cheek kisses for me.

on our way to the movies i checked my cell phone for the first time and saw i had four missed calls from e. i felt guilty. but decided not to let that ruin my good day...yes, i am an evil wench.
vh1 and i saw iron man. which jane had absolutely no intentions of ever seeing but LOVED. iron man is gangsta. i love when the chic says "tony stark do you remember me?" and he says "no." and keeps right on walking! guts. oh yeah...side bar: i saw muq (my ex-bestfriend that's now married with child, that i no longer speak to due to some shit that occured...read the blog i'm sure the stories there) at the movies. first time in years. she looked good. i was downstairs and she was upstairs so i didn't say hello but it was her for sure.

during the movie my cell phone vibrated 100 times. text messages from e. i texted him back an "i'm in at the movies, i'll call you when it's over." he wrote " i want to see you. miss you. i need to talk to you." my heart flipped...gosh.. i hate being human. we have emotions and guilt... animals don't have guilt.

i waited until i went to the restroom after the movie to call e while balancing in the stall and listening to a teenage couple (boy girl) humping in the stall down from me.... (i saw them sneak in) e answered. soundin distraut and sad. he wanted to come by whenever i got home. i agreed.(insert insults here)

after the movie, vh1 asked me if i was done for the night and i said no. so he and i went to this reggae spot near downtown. we slowwined and drank malibu bay breeze's all the night long. near the end of the night they play this song that had us dancing a little closer than i normally wouldv'e danced and he smelled my neck....yeah it was odd. but nice. sorta reminded me of a Jill Scott's song "He was fresh, like summer peaches; Sweet on my mind like block parties and penny candy.Us was nice and warm, no jacket, no umbrella, just warm"... we left the club once they basically put us out. walked across the street and brought one dollar tacos, we sat in my car and laughed and talked. the car filled with smells of onions and red raddishes and yet we still sat there laughing and joking.

he kissed my cheek and closed mouthed me on my lips and i had morning time preminitions of breakfast in bed (like that show"That's So Raven") i stepped back from myself and saw myself slipping down a slippery slope. i was already falling. somebody save me from myself!! i left it at closed mouth kisses at least until i figure out e and i.

when i got back to my car, i called e. he admited his wrongs and continued on with the long winded explanation from that mornings conversations. he met me at my apartment. we stood in my kitchen talking about things. going through things. he gave me the password to his myspace. i pretened to not want it (but you besta be sure that i checked it this evening.... i ain't dumb, nothing to big to report...i guess he had time to erase whatever he wanted me not to see). we sat in the living room until around 5. when i realized i was awake and yet sleep.

i succumbed to the sand man on the couch next to e. i woke up around 9 to my daughter's father calling me, begging me to come pick up MY (you know I can't understand why that man can't keep his own child for a full 24 hour period). i got to really look at e's face in the morning light on my couch. such a handsome face. but so many uncertainties, so many inconsistencies, so much unfinished business.

i left e, sleeping on my couch and went to change into something to pick up MY in, as i was doing that her dad called and said he'd keep her until 1. so i laid in my bed and went to sleep. about thirty minutes later i could feel e, come into my room and lay down next to me. i could hear him pretending to be asleep probably thinking about my uncertainties and inconsistencies.

i picked up MY while e stayed at my house. i called vh1 to thank him for the evening while i was out. once i got MY and got home and the three of us had lunch.

i had to dance for church evening service but my head just wasnt' in it.

later we went to NDN's sons party. e, MY and i. a small arguement insued about whether he was going or not. but when he realized i didn't have cable and we would be going to a place where there was a flat screen and satellite and the laker game, he put on his jacket and came. he met the crew. they liked him.

we came home and played a little x-box and he left. i spent the remainder of the night talking to vh1 and flores on the phone.

now i can't sleep.

and i'm hungry.

"cold going mad..."

I’ve got an eerie feeling this morning. Feeling empty. Like there’s a hollow in my stomach. So many folks have been running me raged lately.

Things seem so peachy keen with e. but in me something’s not right. Found out today that he has a MySpace account that is marked private. When I requested him as a friend he denied me. When I asked him about it…he gave me the switch the topic then the quick good bye. Since then the behavior has been suspicious. I’ve decided to step back from it a bit. Just breathe on it.

I mentioned my friend that’s just a friend last post and I must admit. I lightweight like him as more than a friend. So I’ve stepped back from that too.

BW cussed me out yesterday because I turned down on a night of fun.

This chic at my job is working my nerves. It’s like she’s going through menopause and we all have to suffer. She and my boss both.

My weekend is going to be fun. If all works out.

I’m getting my hair done tonight.

I have dance rehearsal Friday night.

Saturday I have to go to my daughter’s father’s sister’s baby shower.

Then Saturday evening I’m going to a Barbeque with my friend that’s just a friend that I like more than a friend but if it doesn’t work out with e he could be an option but I’m not thinking like that right? Right.

Sunday is my friend NDN’s son’s birthday party.

Sunday night I have to perform at church.

Monday I’m thinking about UCLA reggaefest but it’s $25 now!!! It used to be free. But now that reggae is so popular it’s 25! It went from free to $5 to $7 to $10 to $15 to $20 to $25 over the ten years that I’ve been attending…. But Mr.Vegas is going to be there and he is my FAVORITE artist so I just might bite the bullet and go.

Changed my mind...I'm a fickle girl.

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drive-by blogging

* my bestfriend sonystudios is having her babyshower saturday...this mess is so last minute, i'm tempted to tell her i don't want to have nothing to do with it. oshe didn't know that the park charges $6 to park, so she didn't write that in the invitations, you have to reserve your spot at this park and it's wednesday and she hasn't reserved anything, she just brought decorations yesterday she still hasn't ordered the cake.
on top of all that is her attitude right now, if her eyes weren't already green, id tell her she's turned into the greeneyed bandit. its like its not a day to celebrate her baby coming she just thinking about the $ she could get. its light weight pissing me off.

* my newfound-old homegirl bonee told me today that she's bisexual today. not in a i-want-you-to-be-my-new-girlfriend type way, more in a i-love-my-ex-girlfriend-but-i-met-a-new-guy sorta way...like asking for advice. now i have friends that are gay. but they've never asked my opinion on what to do with they're mates....i tried to think way out the box when i talked to her like it was two dudes we were talking about but in the back of my neck deep down i keep thinking?! What you want taco over sausage?! get outta here!

* i swear e is from another planet. where did i find him from?yesterday. he made me dinner. rubbed my feet and we watched a movie....sigh. he's the cream of the crop....

* dont' get me wrong i don't have blinders on with e. i see some things in the distance that could cause issues with us but right now they are little things. not big ones like he's married, small ones like he's not a planner- he goes on a whim. ya know... no plans, just "i'm going to the bar to watch the game. two minutes later, ima come pick you up go to the bar and watch the game. three minutes later. ima come to your house and watch the game, four minutes later something else...i am so in this momment i'm not even concerned about the next.... la la la la la.

* the shoes i wore to work today are satan's playthings.

* i can't wait to get paid. new tires. a tune up. and a new weave.... sigh.

mother's day questions.

What did I do for mothers day morning?
I woke up and had breakfast with e and my. talked to my mother for an hour on the phone. sent a massive world wide text message to all my girls telling them happy mother's day.

What did I do after breakfast?
e took my to the store and they brought me a card and flowers. then we all got dressed and went to e's mom's house. met his mom and cousins.

What did I do in the afternoon?
e, my and i went to e's cousin's house for a barbeque. met damn near his entire family.

What time did I leave the barbe que?
10 pm

Was I sleepy as heck this morning?
yes.

What am I doing now?
Standing here irritated with e because he called me and invited me to go bowling and now he's acting all indecisive. irritation is making my stomach hurt

fin.

i've got high hopes...

last night around 1am I was in my car driving. my new "boyfriend" e, was sitting in the passenger seat. this normally reserved man, had been rambling non-stop for the last ten minutes when we get to a a stoplight and he puts his cute fingers on my chin and says

"j, i wouldn't make your butt any bigger, i wouldn't make you hair any longer, i wouldn't make your skin any darker. i just want you the way you are. i just want you."

he's so dreamy.

rainbow sherbert mixed with pop rocks...

* yesterday each scoop of icecream at baskin robbins was 0.31 cent for a foundraiser. so me and my lil chica stood in line about 25 minutes to get us 10 scoops (that was the limit). the baskin robbins in my hood, it's right next to a bar/nightclub...
so MY and i we're standing there and out of the bar comes some chic, fully loaded, her old grey haired dude holding her up...
she reads a sign that says "buy one get one free" and then says to me:
"I know you ain't standing in line cause it's by one get one free?" She's drunk and staggering. I respond by rolling my eyes. A hispanic teenager, standing near me said "no, it's 31 cent a scoop".
The drunk bitch says, still speaking directly to me out of the 100 or so people standing; "well it better be unlimited cause otherwise just go get it from the grocery store."
She had an uppitty swagger to her. A real Good-hair-bad-hair attitude about herself.
I replied "It's for charity."
She says "umph! well write a check and call it a damn night. Forget standing in line....I don't stand in lines...especially for ice cream" she throws her hand up in the air, real drama queenish.
I say "stop fucking talking to me.."
It stunned her and her sugar daddy...
She stands there, mouth open looking at me... I say "Seriously, don't say another fucking word to me.. " Her daddy-aged date pulled her own down the walk way...
Black folks! learn to drink with out acting a damn ass!

inside the baskin robbins they were playing the music loud and the kids were running around excited about getting lots of ice cream for no reason. and some old crotchy ass black lady walks up to the clerk ringing folks up and says "can you turn the radio down?" The chic already irritated because it's way more people then they used to in the store says "why?" The old wench says "because it's too loud." The girl says "no." the old wench says "You don't think it's too loud?" The clerk says "I'm not turning it down." neck sweiveled and everything... I loved it.

*I don't want to cook and who can make me!!! oh yeah the law says I have to give my kid three squares a day...dayum! crykee!

*Why is this

the only photo I took from my birthday party? I tried not to drink til the guest arrive...seems as if I may not have succeeded...?!

* my daughter asked me "what is hell?" I said "the opposite of heaven." she said "and heaven is where God lives." I said "yes". She said "so who lives in hell?" I said "The devil and people who disobey what God askes us to do." She says "like be nice?" I said "yes" and to not hurt people?" I said "yes" she says "I'm going to pray that God help me to be nice and not hurt people; because I want to live in heaven." WOW. I think she been here before.

*my neighbor is creepy as all hell... but his son is finer than a plate of yams with extra syrup..um um um.

* Why did I stay up until 12am watching R. Kelly's trapped in the closet? Why is the phrase: "crazier than a fish with titties" the funniest thing I've ever heard?

*Why did I watch Ashanti's video on mute yesterday because I wanted to see what happened but I didn't want to hear her?"

* Eric where are you?

*THE GAME!!! please tell me yall watch this?! this is the best show ever! so much drama...loves it!

*I pray that all my blogger friends be nice and dont hurt other people....peaches!