I am so tired...

So we’ve been together for three years.
Living together for about a year and a half….
Waking up next to each other.
Coming home to each other each day.

And just this morning…. I realized that he is not who he says he is.

He says his favorite color is brown….but I’ve never once seen him wear it or pick the color out anywhere.
He says his favorite Brand is Polo and yet he does not own a stitch of Polo.
He says he’s not shy and speaks his mind….and yet anytime we’re around people he doesn’t know he acts like a turtle.
He says he’s a “manly” man and yet I am the one with the hammer and screw driver hammering and nailing and replacing things and hauling and painting and doing EVERY DAMN THING.
He says he’s a hard worker and yet I have not one time in three years seen him work hard, on anything….not even our relationship.

I know some of these are petty. But I swear all together they are pushing me to an edge and I am about to jump. And by jump I mean break up with him. And by Break up with him I mean put him out of my house. And by put him out of my house I mean full scale “Waiting to exhale” Standing in the drive way smoking a cigarette…..

I attract a certain type of guy. And I thought he was not this guy. I though he was different….. I thought my pattern had been broken and I realize it has not been. I’ve been hoodwinked. Or maybe I am the cause. Maybe something about me says…please use me. Please get with me and then turn into a lazy slug….

The same damn shit all over again and it took me, this damn long, to fucken realize it.

This is my pattern: Working lose job, loose focus, become a slug…. Look at Janelle like she the one that has changed.

See, I can take care of my daughter and me. I got that all day, everyday. I can support she and I…. I do the best I can, work the hardest I can to make sure she and I are covered. I don’t need him to do that. I got that…..but here’s the thing…..if he’s supposed to be my MAN …. Why doesn’t he feel the need to help me with that?

I am soooo tired of waking up and his ass is fucken sleep. I leave the house and he’s still fucken sleep.
I come home and he’s in the bedroom in his underwear watching TV in a bad mood.

Now I can respect, you’re a man and you’re going through a slight depression because of the situation that you’re in… I get that. I understand that…. But what frustrates me is the lack of motivation… the lack of hustle….

As a matter fact….Where is your hustle? Did you leave it somewhere? SHIT find it… put it in your fucken pocket and get back on your grind.

I swear his lack of hustle is pushing me….
It’s unattractive…
It’s fucken ugly…

And I don’t think I can take it anymore.

I love this man. “From his hair follicle to his toe nails…love him in each and every way imaginable” but he is become so unattractive (not physically…cause I still think hes’ FIZINE) to me that I’m not sure …I want this anymore.

I feel cheated. Cheated out of a healthy relationship. Cheated out of an ADULT relationship. Instead I feel like his mom. … like I have a 30 year old son and I myself am 29.

I feel old , I’m getting fat (because I feel too tired to work out), my face is chubby and I’m becoming a hippopotamus again….. and I am just tired.

So very very tired. Too tired for my own good.

Friday was so much fun.

I ended up wearing this bohemian inspired, blue, purple, white, black, gold printed, off the shoulder mini dress with a black wide band belt that fit just under the breast, and my knee black high boots. I’m wearing my hair with swooped to the side bangs and big curls all over…so the out fit all sort of "fit" together.

*****

Vh1 was supposed to go with me…but in his true Libra-esque anti-social style he flipped the script on me and didn’t go. He went on a run with his uncle instead….so I went to another social event ALONE. Sigh. Well at least I was cute.
I told him through drunken sobbing tears Saturday morning that it hurt my feelings that he didn’t want to go with me. I told him I love him so much that I want to share him with other people…he said that he never looked at it that way and he’d work on it. I believe him.


******

At the party, I found three of my friends who came to the event coupled up but through liquor induced bad girl-ness decided we head out girls only" to hit up the after hours, just us four girls.
I’ll tell you something about Belizean folks…Those heffas can party! It was 5 a.m. when I left because my feet hurt and I could barely hold my eyes open and I was already beginning to have a hangover, so who knows what time the other three left.

I got home safe, passed out across my unmade bed and slept for a few hours, threw up, and all was well.

You know those jokes folks send through email…. "You know how you know you’re old" well I know I’m old because my bank put a hold on my Debit card because they thought the late night bar charges were out of character and thought someone had stole my card!!!
LOL so sad.

*****

I took my daughter and my little cousin to see Coraline on Saturday…its scary. Like not just for the kids…for me too.

******

Then I took the girlies to Hometown Buffet…..(my cousins Bri’s girlfriend had given me some "kids eat free" coupons …) and Let me tell you….their barbeque is the bizness!!!! Me and the girls sat there for almost 45 minutes stuffing our faces….LOL. No wonder I need to loose this extra 20 pounds!!! Damn barbeque.

******

Why is it so windy here in Cali today? The wind is blowing like crazy…good thing I got the messy big curls hair today.

******

I had a pretty tough morning this morning…. I left my cell phone at home…I broke two fingernails!!!…My skin is super dry…. This stupid V05 hair spray is making me flaky! And I have on a black shirt…I burned the top of my mouth with my coffee and something’s wrong with one of my rims so it keeps making my tire pressure low.

*****

I still haven’t found anyone to pick up MY and keep her for less than 30 minutes a day…not since my father bitched out on me…pulled his same life tricks … sigh….life is so difficult when you’re having fun.

** ****

I will be eating Pho today for lunch….if you don’t know about Vietnamese noodles you better get in the game!

** ****

Please somebody tell CrazyC to stop calling me asking me when are he and I going to have a baby.....lol the boy is a mess...

******

Funny story about my daughter: last night vh1, MY and I went to CVS. While I paid for the goods, MY and Vh1 pretended to do the tango… they danced all around him twirling and spinning her like she was a little princess. I loved it. The two people I love loving each other….I wish I had a camera with me. I love the fact he could careless how silly he looked he just wanted her to smile.

Once we got into the car, MY kept asking me if I was ok. She asked me three times before I really realized she was asking me the same question over and over. Finally I ask her "Why are you asking me am I ok?" She says "I just wanted to know if you were jealous over how me and Vh1 were dancing…" Vh1 and I laughed with surprise. She says "Yeah maybe next time you should dance with him like me."

My kid is crazy.

"Picture us married, you and me F.U.C.K.I.N.G."

* I love that song by Nas, don't you?

* I have a stupid cough that will not go away. Prolly has something to do withthe fact that it was 99 degrees one day last week and 65 degrees the next and 55 degrees the whole time here at work.

* I AM FAT! I have NOT been working out. My day started on a bad note...with not being able to fit into ANY of my pants. I felt like a fat ass. I'm going to have to buy some size 12 pants. I'm threw with life.

* My daughter got a sticker in class yesterday. So all that tough love I had to give her last week (five pops on the butt and two days with out TV) paid off.

* My sister brought my neice over on Sunday, which sparked a conversation with Vh1 about babies....I thought he and I had decided on a timeline for such things....it appears that he's been pondering things... I don't like it.

* This coffee I drank this morning has me with the shakes.

* Why has the bank not sent me a new pin for my ATM card?

* Why does Lotus notes jump to the front when I have a new email?

* My ears are ringing. I heard once that when your ear ring that that's the sound of you ear cells dying and that you will never hear that frequency again. I just read that that's an old wives tale.

* I'm sleepy...But there's really no reason for my sleepiness....go figure?

* I really am falling in love.
In a type of love that I really never thought existed for me. I really was feeling like this type of connection was not possible. But you know what blogger I am amazed everday with how much I've really grown. This is some new fangled type love. A love that has me dizzy and crazy and out of my mind and yet still so perfectly in tune. A love that I am not afraid of (For the first time). A love that I feel open and free and want everyone I know to know about. A love that I think about and appreciate all day. A love that is reciprocated.

* Vh1 made me scallops, rice&beans, and salad made of avacados, mango and nectarines for dinner last night. He fixed my plate , brought it and the phone to me and said "tell your friends!" I said "What?" he said "call your girls and tell them how I do it! They gon be jealous... They don't get it like you got it baby! You get it all day everyday"
Don't you love him?

* I need some new music!

I weigh 152 pounds.

Time for my Wednesday weight update! lol

+ My waist is 35 inches.

+I noticed some definition forming in my abs...vh1 noticed it too...kinda sexy.

+ I'd estimate 40% less cellulite in my thighs.

+My breast don't touch my belly anymore.

+There is a definite reduction in my back fat.

+My skin is evening out nicely.


Changes in my workout:
+Still ain't walked MY to school once...lol

+Daily workout rotation: Ballet warmup(5-7 minutes), low impact aerobics (10 minutes), Hip Hop Yoga workout (10 minutes), 8 minute abs.

+I have reduced down to one cup of Java per day. one can of soda every two to three days. And at least one bottle of water a day (even though I HATE it)


Kinks I'm working out:
+I can't seem to get enough sleep. Doesn't matter when I go to sleep or what time.I wake up sleep starved. I think I may not be eating the appropriate amount of calories per day.

+I started taking my daily vitamin at lunch, since when I take it in the morning it makes me burpy all day.

+My hair gets nappy round the edges sometimes after the workout even with my perm....I'd hate to have to straighten it everyday... Any suggestions?

I weigh 154 pounds.

I lost one POUND! yeah! Next week it'll prolly be a better number though....since this week I'm retaining a little water...

My waist is still 36inches.

I feel better. I have more air... if that makes any since.

I have changed a bit on my Less-Jelly roll plan

1. I've only been taking the women's weightsmart daily vitamin not the fat burners....they make me burp...often... like continuously....I'm too lady-like to have conversations like "Good Morning (Burp) how are you (Burp)? Good to hear that (burp)"

2. I have not walked MY to school...lol....laziness! Oh yea. MY got in trouble yesterday. She was talking while the teacher was talking. She got her name on the board. She was really was upset. She promised today would be better.

3. I have been doing my situps and squats.

4. I been doing my strip tease aerobics and my pilates Abs videos interchangeably; but I want to get something to make me sweat....like a body bootie yoga.

I weigh 155 pounds.

SO because this is 25 more pounds then the day that I went into labor with my daughter, this is completely unorthodox to me.

I have back fat. My back fat rubs against my bra.

I have love handles.

I wear a size 9/10 and my jeans are tight.

My ankles are swollen everyday when I get home.

My toes look like little sausages.

My thighs look like I'm having an allergic reaction, from all the lack of muscle tone.

A pair of pants that I brought on the 4th of July that were WAY to big; now, fit me nice a snug.

My naked breast touch my belly.

Theres a thick ring of fat around the top of my knee.

Instead of Kane's Workout plan, I'm doing the Jane's Workout plan

How I plan to eliminate the jelly roll:

1. I take a weightsmart woman's daily vitamin.

2. I take a fat burner capsule 30 minutes before every meal.

3. I have excluded all sodas.

4. I hate water but...I am only drinking water during the day.

5. I have cut back to one cup of coffee per day.

6. I do 100 sit-ups per day.

7. I do 50 squats per day.

8. I do a twenty minute workout everyday.

9. When school starts back on Tuesday, I will be walking MY to school three mornings a week.

10. I signed MY up for a mommy and me ballet class.


I'll keep you abreast to my progress.