Land of Lincoln

Things have changed so much fir me in the last few months. I'm on my iPhone at work so this will have to be a list post. 

*I finally broke up with VH1 and I don't know what took me so long...I love him; but we are not for each other.... That's it. He still calls MY everyday. They've gone on daddy daughter dates.... It's cute and saddening at the same time.

*I've been traveling to the Land of Lincoln every week for the last five months.... Working on a stupid project for work. I have so much time wasting sitting at my desk rotting from the inside out...my brain is dying, thus I am blogging again. I'm blogging to regenerate my brain.

* Since  I'm traveling, and VH1 moved out,  my mom came to stay with me until MY is out of school. She is the best wife ever. I swear I wish I could keep her with me. She cooks and cleans and irons... She's the best.... But she's still my mom and wants to tell me what to do and has suggestions about every facet of my life. Sigh.

*I'm going on my first vacation by my self thus weekend... Should prove interesting.  I'm not nervous, I just feel like this is how the rest if my life will be. Me alone in coffee shops reading philosophy books on my iPad mini, pretending not to be embarrassed that I'm alone in the middle if the day.

* I saw, scratch that, had a continuation of a one night stand with Flores this weekend. I love him and hate him in the same breath.

*barbershop still calls me and texts me. I've stopped answering. He's married with children and his wife is beautiful. I've told him many times that I am not interested in being the other woman. Why would he want to cheat in that beautiful girl he has? Men are so stupid. 

*i have so much to share. Just wait.

i hit em up...r.i.p. 2pac

And so I'm back again. yep... I left came back started again and left again...

I missed blogging... I know all my old gal pals are now you-tubers and tumblers and tweeters... but I still love the old 2003 feel of a good blog post about nothing other than opinion and such an such. fuck grammar, spelling and capitalization! WHO! La' Revolution!

lol

so whats happening with me? yall know i loves me a good list so here it tis!

* vh1. we broke up. he went out with some friends and for the first time in 4 or 5 years.. i snooped. when through his thangs and found thangs that weren't the end of the world but were enough to push me over the edge. i was already drowning in ambiguity about where to go with our relationship...the items pushed me to say what i needed to say. we yelled at each other. he said ugly things...i said uglier things and he left. the next day he came back and got all his thangs. that was it. there was no time to sort it all out... but there was time to think... and breathe and clean and focus. i read a lot. i wrote some... i didn't cry. but it was not as bad as i thought it would be. i talked to people i hadn't talked to in a long while (barbershop) and had a drink with the girls on a Wednesday (Naughty naughty) and i started to remember Jane. I missed her. i got acquainted with her.
three and a half weeks later he called me and invited me to dinner. we went out. he talked. i listened. he made promises and i accepted... so here we are. back together...sorry ladies, i'm hopeless. ilovehim. stab me with spoons.

*so this is where we are. living together... 31 and 32. somewhere in the southbay of LA county... he's "lightweight" working but shits not fully right. the majority of the burden is still on me. there's still no 5 year plan in action and my faith in him is still...wavering.
BUT this time I'm happy. I feel understood and appreciated. go figure.

*on the work front, i got a semi-promotion. there;s 8 people in my department. and of the 8 of us, my supervisor choose me to become a SME(subject matter expert)...at first i felt it may be a set up because i'm the only black in the department...but after discussion with friends and family...i decided to take the bait.

our company's getting a new system.... and i get to learn alllll about it. the first shitty part is I have to in turn teach it to every one else.... there are some people i work with that for a lack of a better term, are stupid. and you can't fix stupid....so we shall see how that works out...
The SHITTIEST part of the new SME position is that I have to travel to Illinois two weeks out of the month...during the winter! I am a STRAIGHT Cali girl. I lay on beaches in December. so this is ALL new to me... but I will get to try out some winter time fashion... for the first time.

*What will happen with MY while I'm in Illinois? well my mom quit her job and is getting a divorce....LONG COMPLICATED WAY TOO DETAILED STORY... and so she is looking to buy a house here in Cali again... so she will be my day care assistant. wink wink. It will be a Challenge. I will be out of town Monday through Friday and mom will be at my house with Vh1 and My Monday thru Friday... Saturday and Sunday she will go to my uncles back house...which my uncle and aunt live in Monday thru Friday.

* Most importantly my little girl. she is a little lady now. such a sweet lil chocolate drop. i am so blessed that i get to be in her life. she is such a joy. she fills my heart with so much happiness. iloveher more than anything . she is awesome. the personality that she has developed is so determined and unique and individual... she's such a star. she's not perfect she drives me crazy and is a little hard headed and has started getting attitudes with me... but i still love her through her hormones.

i have another topic i wanted to chat about... but its 12:40 and I have a VERY IMPORTANT meeting about being a SME at 8:30 so I got nappity nap.

Oh! I'm considering giving myself individuals for the first time.


nighty night....


p.s. grammer police kiss my ass ok?..

burning bridges.

ok, so yesterday morning I got a text from barbershop. I wasn't going to respond; But I do realize that I did just drop him....I dropped everyone. I didn't even share my last exchange with crazyc... It was truely crazy...that's a post all on it's own!!!! But I have really dissed all my old hoes....lol...naw, my old flings....lol...naw, my old harmen....lol...yall know what I mean.

On my lunch he called me, he wanted to know if we could go out for a drink. I said sure.
After work, he sent me a text message saying he was on his way.
We went to that little bar on the corner from my house...had a drink.
then to this other bar up the street....there was some whack mariache band playing.
then to this other bar on Market.... watched the olympics.
then to this old folks bar around the corner. there was kareokee (sp?!)I wanted to sing Tina Marie "Out on a Limb" my Karokee song....but barbershop didn't believe in my skills. so I decided not to.
then we went to Carl's jr. he told me that's why I'm getting fat....I am. So I couldn't even front on him. then we sat in his car eating carl's jr.

he tried to kiss me. i didn't succum.
I reminded him of our new type of relationship: he told me that he doesn't understand how i could just diss him, I felt like high school... like i was being talked into sex. i didn't succum....wasn't even close.
I told him that he knew what was up before i even said i'd go have a drink with him.
he said he knew but thought mabe he could change my mind....silly rabbit!

i told him...."maybe another lifetime?....another day?".....
he looked at me cold faced. no expression.
i opened the door, smiled.....and said"i don't get anymore days, huh?" .

he didn't say anything.
he drove off before i got up the stairs....

Female of negotiable affection, a nice way to say hoe.

well stole this from Eb the Celeb....


If I were .....
a month: I would be May because because it’s warm the beginning of summer
a day of the week: Sunday.
a direction: WEST because you know I love LA
a historical figure: Lena Horne
a kind of weather: warm with a light breeze, just be fore the sunsets
an animal: a big lazy turtle
a flower: an orchid because it represents fertility or a bird of paradise
a color: pink
a sound: a whisper
an element: Silver
a song: "The sweetest thing" by Lauryn hill
a book: I'd be any book by Zane
a food: Spicy red sauce enchaladas
a place: the inside of a mouth
a material: Natural cotton
a taste: sweet
a scent: morning dew
a word: Infinite
an object: diamon
a body part: lips
a facial expression: naughty
a time of day: sunset


and something else I stole from Eb...

How many people have you kissed in 2008 that actually meant something?
I’m too ashamed to answer. Since I fall in love so easily.

Were you happy when you woke up today?
Of course, it’s another chance to turn it all around

Do you hate the last person you kissed?
I love him.

What are you listening to right now?
Noel Gordin #3 and #11 on repeat

Have you ever liked somebody and never told them?
Yes...stupid mistake.

What would I find if I looked UNDER your bed?
A mirror, a box full of papers, a jewlry box

What are you wearing?
Jean capris, orange top, gold sandals

Are you texting anyone right now?
Flores…..he says " Call it what you want, I got you. You’re mine forever"

Do you like anyone right now?
I like him. I love him. I feel made for him.

Have you ever kissed someone and never saw them again?
Yes….. I worked with him all summer and never told him I liked him. Then I saw him at a party and I kissed him the whole night long……. Never saw him again after that.

Have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced?
I had it pierced, on night in the middle of the night by the mother of this puertorican guy I thought I'd marry. I had it two months....just about as long as our relationship.

What can't you wait for?To get off of work, this is the longest day ever.

Have your parents ever smoked?
No.

Do you want someone back in your life?
Yes. Sadly that will never happen.

Who was the last person who called you?
My cousin Cam, it's his birthday today. He wants to go out.

Are you good at giving directions?
Yes

Would your parents be mad if you got pregnant /got someone pregnant?
Nope….my parents would be elated! They’d probably pay to have me have another one.

Rent a movie or go to movies?
Rent a movie. Snuggle time!

What did you eat last?
Chow mein and teriakyi chicken

Has anyone told you they missed you lately?
Yes…. Crazyc , he tells me that every other day….

Is your ex still in your life as a friend?
Yes! All of the them! CrazyC, Barbershop, Flores, MrWonderful. Why not keep them all?

Are you wearing any clothes that don't belong to you?
Hell no.

Would you ever steal someones boyfriend or girlfriend?
No….What goes around comes around

Mountains or the beach?
beach

When was the last time you cried?
Last night.

Who's someone you miss?
My mom…. She lives way in Florida

How many times have you been in love?
Awwww I’m in love with love…. So who knows.

How many times have you had your heart broken?
Many a time!

Do you hate people who are obsessed with things like High School Musical, Hannah Montana, and The Jonas Brothers?
I have a 5 year old….I live High School Musical, Hannah Montana, and the Jonas Brothers.

Have you ever spread a rumor about someone?
Yes… I wouldn’t even lie.

Did you French kiss before you were 16?
Yes….first kiss was in the 7th grade Demond Taylor. A dark skin tall black boy with green eyes….sigh.

Who is the first person you think of when someone asks you who you like?
Vh1

Have you ever liked someone who all your friends hate?
No… they’re usually just happy to see me with someone longer than a month.

Do you prefer to call or text someone?
Either or… I love attention.

Were you bad in high school?
I was a good girl.

Would you take any of your ex's back?
Yes.

Do you cry over girls/boys?
Yes. Openly and in public, I am not afraid of my feelings.

At what age did you start noticing the opposite gender?
I had a boyfriend in Kindergarten.

Are you happy with your love situation?
Um… almost.

Last boy/girl to hurt you?
Well CrazyC is in a constant battle with himself on how to hurt me more each day….but I’d say MrWonderful was the worst offender recently.

Would you fail your drug and alcohol test?
No….I don’t do drugs.

Who's your favorite person to cuddle with?
Vh1. And MY of course!

Friends or Friendemies

On a rule, I try to be extremely selective on who I allow to be my friend. I am a believer that the people you sorround yourself with are direct reflections of who you are. If you sorround your self with gangstas and killas, most likely you're a gangsta or a killa. Sorround your self with well rounded, healthy, spiritually concious (spelling?) people, mostly like you're at least on the path to be coming that type of person as well.

The young women that I consider to be my friends, have been my friends for the last 15 years. More recently, I became friends with Stace. She and I have been friends for almost 2 and a half years now. I value our friendship. Our relationship as friends, is important to me; However there are times when our friendship feels like I'm pulling an extremely heavy bag across the dessert.

She has so much drama in her life. Everyday, every freeking day there are issues and bad luck and horrible terrible things happening to her. ALL the time.

How do you have such negative things happen to yourself all the time? You know how? You attract them to yourself! You consistenly focus on the negative all the energy and vibes you put out are negative. She never calls me with positive energy!

Before I started dating Vh1, she'd pour out her negative energy on all relationships I had. Barbershop was too thug, E was too emotional, Mrniceynice was too chunky, MrWonderful couldn't be real. etc etc. All the while she's dating this worthless piece of shit for a man. A man that is 35 and lives with his mother. A man that does not work for a living. A man that won't pick his girlfriend up from the bus stop. A man that plays dungeons and dragons. A man that goes to "comic book conventions" for weeks at a time. A man that falls asleep before she gets back from the restroom. A man that is not a man at all. He is a waste of space.

When I tell Stace about Vh1, you'd think she'd wish me well? Well I knew she wouldn't but I hoped she would. In her true fashion she sprinkled hate on me. But the worst type of hate sprinkes, jealous hate. These dust particles are different than the ones shes sprinkled on me before. This particles are sticky and cant's just be brushed aside.

I mean I know she's going through it with her dude. He's worthless. She stays with his worthless ass, for what reason? your guess is as good as mine.....but I deserve for folks to at least be happy for me.

To be continued...

I had such a wonderful weekend!


Thursday night i went to dinner with Mr.wonderful. it was nice. I told him about vh1. He says he's not dating anyone yet. Funniest thing? I wasn't feeling him like I used to. that magnet we used to have is gone. He invited me to the fair. I said no. He understood.

Friday my friend Sonystudios pushed out the most beautiful little boy. He is simply adorable. He has grey eyes...what?! the ladies are going to be on him when he grows up. lol

Friday night, I did my own hair. It is really cute....I'll post a pic later. Vh1 didn't come over. It felt kinda weird because it's our routine. But I didn't trip.

Saturday morning I went to this beauty seminar, I got a lovely makeover and my make up done...I felt excellent.
Afterwards I went to visit Sonystudios and that beautiful baby for a few hours. Omg....I love new babies...Well other peoples new babies! lol
After the hospital I went to a BBQ at Barbershops new barbershop, they have one every Saturday. I had a good ole time. He and I are practicing just being "homies". He says "it's too soon for him, cause he feels like i kicked him to the curb." I told him to stop being a hoe and maybe it would've worked out.

Once I left there Vh1 and I started out going to see BatMan but once we brought the tickets and went to stand in line. The line was allllll the way around the building. So we just got a refund and went to eat.

Vh1 was acting all quiet. Not talking. Acting all monkey-like. I asked him what's wrong and he said nothing, but he kept acitng all quiet. I was getting irritated with him.... Damn libra's are so wishy washy.
When the recipt came, I picked it up and I was like "you want my half?"He gave me a look like I had slapped his face. lol. He says "give me your hands." I was like "what?" He says "give me your hands". So, I put my hands in his hands. He says smiling "don't you ever ask me about your half. I got your half. if i needed your half i'd ask you for it. don't ever ask me that sh!t again."

On our way home...
I say "what's up with you?"
He says, "Man, I just missed you. "
I say "you like me huh?"
He says "Yeah. A lot. you're really special to me."
I say "thank you, you're special to me too. But that doesn't mean you have to act all monkey with me."
He laughs. Then my friends, we went on to have "the talk"
What's so funny to me, is that he is really comfortable expressing his feelings...me...um...not so much..... so as of Saturday night we are officially a couple.

Saturday night, I went out with the girls. We celebrated NDN's birthday...she turned 25 for the 6th time.

Sunday morning Vh1 and I laid around and watched movies. Then around 5p we went to Joe's Crab Shack. I love that place! They sang and danced and stood on tables... it was hot fun.

We stopped and brought some movies. "No country for old men", "Saw 4" and "Walk Hard".
I watched almost all of "No country for old men", and I fell asleep could be because Vh1 kept my Belvedere glass full, game me an awesome message and a few other things...lol....but I slept nice. Real nice.

Um.... I am here at work. Feeling peaceful.
How come everytime I go to get a cup of coffee there's only barely a cup full in there. Which means I have to make more or I look like an asshole? I hate it. So I made some earlier! I refuse to do it. I'm just suffer!

Hello. My name is Superficial.

Hello my name is Jane, and I’m a superficial person.
If you’re not up on game about mr.niceynice. back track and read up on it..

What lets me know that my superficial-ness is out of control is the fact that I am able to just fly away so easily because I know I wasn’t really attracted to him. I’m taking a deeper look at myself. But really what’s wrong with wanting to be physically attracted to the man you’re with?
Wouldn’t staying with him, because I like what he does for me and waiting for a desire to grow, gold-digger-ish?
Which is worst? Cutting it off because I don’t like how he looks or staying because I like what he does?

I felt so guilty the more I spent time with him and the more I saw him building the "story of us" in his head. His eyes were starting to gloss over with it…I couldn’t sleep because I felt bad. I felt like a hoe-cake, taking gifts from a guy I don’t really like. So I ended the relationship.


Here’s a recap of what lead up to this…
First Friday, we went to lunch together. That was fine.
Then friend day evening he called me and I told him I was at CVS buying liquor, he was like "ok, I'm bout to come up there." WTF? He doesn’t even drink, how he gon help me pick out liquor?
So, He comes up to where I am I pick out which liquor and am about to go home. He's like "I'll meet you at your house".
I say, "well I have a lot of cleaning up to do, just hit me up later".
He's like "well did you eat dinner?" I say "no". He says "I'll get you something and bring it to you."
So he goes to Carls Jr then he brings me some chili fries.
He asks what do I have to do, I tell him. He's like well I'll sweep your back steps for you...I say ok... Basically he just coming up with more and more reasons to stay.
He was just annoying me more and more: Walking over my floor that I had I just mopped, moving pillows I had just arranged, sitting on my kitchen counter after I just cleaned it, using the bathroom and leaving the seat up after I just poured that stuff that’s supposed to soak, lying on the floor while I'm vacuuming, leaving his shoes in the middle of the floor… just irritating my senses!!!
Then I was like "ok I'm tired."
He gon say "can I spend the night."
I was like "I guess." Purposely giving him attitude. He didn’t catch it and laid down.
He tried... to get it poppin but I had to shut that down immediately...I was so turned off and annoyed I didn't want anything. Plus I haven’t done anything with him anyway… Friday night was not about to be the night.

Then Saturday morning, he left my house and called me soon as he got in the
car. Then called again when he got home. I just stopped answering the damn phone.

All day he was texting and calling and really annoying me… like a bee all in my ear.

Then Saturday night, when the party started he went to his friend’s party first
so the whole time he is texting me asking "what you doing?" Over and over! How stupid!!!
My annoyance level was to 45 by then.

The party started at 8 so people didn’t really start arriving until 10.
Oh yeah, I invited Barbershop….hehe. He showed up looking fine. Um um um...
Barbershop brought his homeboy a cute lil shortie.
Barbershop was acting a little monkey wit me too talking about he could only eat if I made his plate. Why I gotta fix plates at my own party? I fixed his plate and set him down outside in the back yard so that I could keep mrniceynice in the house.

Soon as I got back in the house, mrniceynice showed up. He had told me earlier that he was bringing his friend but he showed up alone. Which meant he didn’t know anyone except me and Stace. So he wanted me to be all snuggled up with him... The J-ster was not having it.
On top of it his pants were black with squiggles on them a damn mess. He hadn't got his hair cut...so he had on a hat and a shirt that was too small; which made him look shorter than he already is and fat instead of husky. Just not ok.

I was drunk and wanted to dance with everyone who wanted to dance with me. All my cousins and friends and home girls were trying dance wit me and he was hating on it.
It was tooo annoying... I don't like that crap.

At the end of the night my cousin J-nice, called me outside to talk to me about not speaking to my sister, which he thinks is the absolute worst thing ever. I introduced mr.niceynice and walked to the end of the block with my cousin. Mr.niceynice got pissed… started telling me I was "dissin" him… He had had a drink and was acting buck with me.

That was the end. I told him to go home. I haven’t spoken to him since.

Sunday I woke up to a house full of people. People everywhere in every room on every surface that people could fit.We got up… cleaned up…packed up some food…some ice…some water and drinks and went to the park…

It was hotter than fish grease this weekend in SoCal. This is the weather we always bragging about but dang….it is HOT out here…Doesn’t even feel like we still in America.

This morning Barbershop called me and asked me to come to his new salon. When I got there, he had breakfast made for me it was the sweetest thing ever.

His homeboy, that came to the party with him was there, cutting some guys hair. Another two dudes were there working. The lil homeboy was all smiles and stitches…Like the two of them were talking about this before I got there. Like they were excited about something. It was cute.

That's that.
Spoon stabs are ok, I'm comfortable with my decsions...

Truth be told.

*I met mrniceynice one day when I’d taken my daughter to get some ice cream at coldstones (cookiedon’tyouwantsome), I walked out the store, hand in hand with MY and he drove past in his Tahoe looking very handsome (from the side). He spoke clearly. Didn’t try to "mack me up". He smiled, I saw the gap in his teeth, reminded me of Mr. Wonderful… he had a gap too. That night I spoke to him over the phone for hours. Great conversation. Funny. Warm. Attentive. The next day we went out for ice cream, back to the scene of the crime.

* He's a nice guy. I'm not trying to find anything wrong with him. I'm not trying to create a problem with him. I am just not necessarilly physically attracted to him per se. He's not my type. He's handsome; but he's just not my type. The more time I spend with him the more I like him. I just don't want to do "it" to him. It's not that there's anything at all wrong with him, I just don't have an immediate want to hump him. Like I could see my self being with him. We're a good pair...but I just don't know if I'd want to have babies with him? crazy...ehh...whatever!

* Barbershop called me this morning at 7:16am, we chatted. He then went on to inform me that he’s moving into the building directly across from me. His apartment would be the one that looks right into my front door. Can you hear the funereal music? I can ….my favorite color is pink yall, and I hate blush, don’t let em put blush on me.

*I’m having a party this weekend. It’s for my 27th birthday (which isn’t until the 6th but I’m going to prom on the 3rd …yeah prom {I’ll explain later}) and it’s also going away party for my home girl Kinkos. The home girl Tinez back out on the deal…trick (I say that with as much love as possible). My homegirl Eb is going to my hair and eyelashes. I don’t have a dress yet. I’ll get one by the end of the day. Stay tuned for photos...

* I’m going to a series that my Bishop is having called "The Levels of Love"… to be continued.

* Oh yeah a few posts ago I referred to my shoes as "platforms" I meant "wedge heels"!!! HA!
For my cuzo's party: She cried, we went to the resturant that he took her for their first date, we went to a club, a friend of mine brought us a round of drinks, got back in the stretch limo Navigator and I threw up. end.

* mynewlovepoem guy got a little miffed at me because i was drunk and didn't call him. we're done.

*i talked to bwood he's doing good.

*crazyc moved to Nevada but he's here in LA like every weekend.

*I'm planning a baby shower for my girl studios...the prettiest pregnant girl ever (besides me...cause I was fine)

Quickie. Updated.

1. my computer is trippin. it has some wierd virus.







2. went to vegas with kinkos and studios to celebrate their birthday....had a blast. Vegas is the only place you'll see a sign like this:

3. crazyc is moving to Nevada. We had one last hoorah. you figure out what that means....

4. flores wrote this song for me. we're supposed to make a video for it. we'll see.

5. Bwood is sorta mad about how he found out about barbershop...oh well.

6. Barbershop is cool...I wanna hook kinkos up with his beautiful brother.

7. i am super hungry right now.

8. i lost three pounds. then i gained them back eating in vegas.

9.My next pay check is gonna be FAT.

10. i love you.

11. I left out a picture of this box of gum I have on my computer that says "I smoke crack and I vote" in the last post....it's behind my daughter's school photo....I'll add it on 2moro.


Update: Here's the photo!!!

12. To my real blog friends: I finished one complete chapter of my book.... if you wanna read a portion of it email me:

um...wtf.

My computer is set trippin on me.
So as bad as I’ve been wanting to write, I think my computer has a virus… I’m devastated.
I’m going to have the hustle man take a look at it for me. Hope the diagnosis is not bad.
My weekend….The short Version.
Friday Afternoon.
Kinkos calls, she wants to keep MY the whole weekend so that she could keep the other two girls she was watching busy.
Decided to grab a drink with my home girl Stace to the "meat market" by the house.
Got a call from Barbershop saying he was at the "meat market"
Went to the "meat market" anyway.
Walked in, saw Bwood. Fear struck! Realized no need to worry. Bwood was sitting with a chunky chic.
Spotted the finest man I’d ever seen sitting across the bar. Juice sexy lips just finer than expensive china…. Gave him some flirty eyes, smiled, licked lips….let him know I was feeling him.
Went around the bar to say hello to Barbershop. The fine-man is his brother. DEAD!
Bwood sees me standing with Barbershop.
I texted him, he responded upset.
Daughter’s fathers girlfriend sees me wants to make converstation, like we’re friends. Gave her the "bitch I don’t give shit about you" face. It stunned her.
Went back to playing with the fellas.
Left the bar went to the reggae club.
Had breakfast with Barbershop and his beautiful brother.
Saturday.
Lunch with Crazyc. He’s moving away. To another state. Sigh
Saturday night.
Went out for drinks with Stace, we went to a club full of pinks. It was cool but I had to go.
Met a cool ass Mexican dude.
Saturday morning.
Barbershop tells me that Bwood saw him at a club that night and asked him how he know his "girl"
Barbershop stayed cool and just told him he knew me from his salon.
Bwood won’t return your girls calls… LOL.
Saturday noon.
Lunch with Kinkos and the girls. Kinkos admits she lost my child at the mall. Had to have the security find her. Could you imagine? I’d hafta shank her.
Saturday afternoon.
Went for a drive with Flores in the pretty red car, with the top down. Brought some ice cream. Sat on my porch and watched the sunset.

My Weekend.

Friday.
Went to rehearsal with Stace. It was nice. Got home around 10.
No call from Barbershop. No response to my text that I sent him.
Saturday.
Had the worst headache ever. Got a phone call from Flores asking me to ditch my party that I was going to for Super Bowl, and hang with him. I wanted to spend Super Bowl yelling a big screen surrounded by drunk, rowdy, Black people. But against my own best judgement I conformed to his will. I agreed to ditch the party and spend Sunday with him. I never wanted to be that type of girl. I hate that I choose to do that too.
Went to the market and brought snacks for MY and I. No Call from Barbershop.
Sunday.
Got dressed. Got a text from Barbershop finally: "Damn I miss you." I laugh at the audacity of his message. I haven’t seen him in a damn month. SO I respond: "Have you been drinking already?" He writes back "Not at all but wow." Uneasy feelings muster in my belly over my lack of strong….shit any feelings for him. I’ve decided to let him alone.
Went to my friend’s house that was having the Super Bowl party two hours before the game started. Stayed there until just before the game began. Dreaded leaving. Didn’t want to leave. Dragged My out kicking and screaming. But I left. Felt a horrible chill about it. But left anyway. Went back home. Flores was sitting on my front steps with flowers and wine coolers. I still felt regretful. I wanted to go back to the party. I went upstairs. Began watching the game. Flores ordered pizza. Flores played with MY, doing magic tricks for her and playing dress up with her. I still wished I would’ve stayed at the party. MY comes out the room sits next to Flores and says "Mommy, you should marry him. You really should." I laugh uncomfortably. Then I tell her "MY, who’s mommy’s husband?" She says "The man on the Target commercial." (John Legend) I say "Mommy, can marry Flores, she’s already married." We all laughed uncomfortably. I still wished I’d stayed at the party. Game ended. No perfect season. He won $10. There was still such and uncomfortable aura that lingered. He had to go to work. I walked him to the door. He grabbed my face softly and turned my head to the side and whispered to me "sorry for ruining your day." Kissed my cheek and left. I guess I couldn’t hide my discontent as well as I thought I could.
Lesson Learned: Never compromise yourself.

relax. relate. release.

i'm feeling much better today.
by the way, did you see my face in my pic? i am becoming a little chunky monkey huh?

i've been writing a short story in my head all day, a spicy one that i really wanted to share but my back is hurting now (damn that Eve), so i'm just not feeling up to it.

i haven't really gave an update on mysocalledlife (other than my sister drama) and there's really not much to report.

still hanging with babershop. i still refuse to commit seriously to anything with him. still feel eerie, about him...can't trust a black man with freckles and red hair...ya know?
still window shopping the idea of letting bwood (an ex of mine from 2003) back in my life full time.
still flirting with a disaster in flores.
work is good. got a $600 fatter check, last week! loved it wit two snaps in a circle.
watched school daze (one of the greastest movies of all time) the other day and remembered why i love being black so much...cause only we can really appreciate and connect with that movie. seeing it put me on a high for the week..then i was reading in my vibe today at work (while trying to avoid that lady that talks too much, in the lunchroom) an article on the movie, just put me in an even better mood!!! (is it me or is vibe getting a little mensmag/tabloid-ish? its this new editor they have now)

i've been thinking about relationships and what i want now at 26 (and more than a half). i've been thinking about how what i want has changed so drastically since when i first started this blog at 23. i think now, i am so ready to be a pig!! you know how in ham and eggs, the pig is committed but the chicken's just involved? i'm ready to be the pig!
ready to settle down. tell some man (that man) i love him. make some important decisions together. get married and make some more babies.
just gotta find that man. **the understatment of the year**

i'm getting a little tired of doing this running the household on my own thing. it's a little played out...

for those of you that don't have kids, if you have them on your own, people don't tell you, you're going to be the only one doing the dishes for a long time....or in my case rinsing them and putting them in the dishwasher.

ok...for real i need 600mg of motrin, an old school hot water bottle, my thumb in my mouth (yep it's a horrible habit) and a warm bed....
later gaters.

warm delights....ummmm

ok, so i lied no new post followed for the weekend...
but; seriously i got home from church yesterday, walked into the house and i swear i thought i was going to faint. suddenly i was dizzy, i felt naueous, my head started pounding and spinning and i felt sweat on my brow (i've always wanted to refer to my big ole forehead as my "brow") then i felt like i had to lay down immediately. my head hurt horribly. it felt like the light from outside was going to cause my head to explode. i took some motrin and passed out in the middle of the livingroom floor since that was the only place that i could find (i broke my bed that morning...another story for another day...no...get your minds out of the gutter...) when i awoke at5 pm (four hours later) i felt much much better....

now i do realize how errily close my symptoms mirror pregnancy. i have taken this matter into consideration. now, as careful and as cautious that i consider myself to be around the male life fluid... (lol, i'm luahging at how stupid that sounds...lol) i know that accidents do happen...now trust i will be commiting myself to a mental institution if said is the case.... a much more apealing case would be that i think i am begining to have migraines.... what causes migraines? why yes pregnancy (increase in hormonal levels etc.), is another matter to take into consideration...i seriously doubt it...

i don't know but i do know that i am a different person in 2008. the migraines and a few other things that i'll tell ya when you really got the time...

well here's a few things i've learned already in 2008:
I've learned....
1. there was no good reason for dumping brent.... (long story)

2. i can live without crazyc.

3. the more i spend time with babershop the more i like him

4. babershop looks delicious in a suit.

5. that i don't have to sterilize my house everyday.

6. that i am too blessed.

7. missing a few nights of sleep will mess your head up bad...

8. i love betty crocker's warm delights hot fudge brownie; i'm eating one now.

9. i love big hair.

10. my sister is evil.

ahhhh so much to fill yall in on so little time....
alas, i must finish my brownie and lactuse free milk in my bed...

4 days, 3 men

Saturday morning MY's godparents called and told me they were taking their kids to see the snow and wanted to know if MY could come along. SO, I bundled her up and took her out there.

Once I got home I washed and permed my hair. It feels so good to have clean hair doesn't it? Something about it makes me feel so free...

Anyways, babershop invited me over for dinner and a movie.
We watched some flick called Waters Risisng or something like that. It was about these gangstas in Louisiana and how they were going back and forth killing each other over drugs and stuff...then hurricane katrina hit and they were all working at Walmart...lol. WE ordered chinese and drank a little brandy (left over frommy holiday party)

The more time i spend with babershop the more I like him Something about the way he looks at me that makes me like him. And he doesnt try to hump on me, you know? On the other hand...it's just something about him I don't quite trust yet. I can put my finger on it....but I'ma figure it out.

Sunday I went to church...service was jammin.

Sunday afternoon, me, kinkos and mon (my pathological liar homegirl) went out to the Meat Market ( Cali folks know I'm talking about Fridays). Well, we're there looking and feeling fly. Some guy comes up to me and says "my friend asked me to give you his number" I say "and we're in the 3rd grade?" he says "no, he's here with his female friend and he doesn't want to disrespect her." See ladies...this the type of shit our men homeboys help them do...cheat right in our face. I must've went off on him something terrible.

We left there on a mission to find a club....we ended up at Gabah. It was hip hop night and It was whack...but there's a rinkety old pool table that we gave some use to.

Monday morning I had to work. I was in my cubicle hung over like I don't know what. I'm just glad we weren't busy.

All day Monday, I had spoken to my home girls K and Kinkos about going out...do you know both these heffas started going dumb on me when it was time to start getting dressed?
Well, I figured that I just plan to go out no matter what. Even if it was by myself.

As I was calling around tryna see who was going where. Crazyc called me and said he was coming by.... mind you I "broke up" with him a week before thanksgiving. and having been trying to end this cold turkey. SO I said sure. Figured this is one of the things I can purge from my life in 2008.

He came by and we talked. I told him how I was done. didn't want to do it no more. tired of the retartedness that is our relationship.... and what did he do? kiss me. Not like a one last kiss type kiss...like a I'll-kiss-her-and-she'll-shut-the-hell-up type kiss. I tell him "Crazyc I'm serious. This relationship has to end." He says..."I'll see you later."

Babershop, claims he had to "work", doing security at some club he invited me too... but that didn't sound truthful to me for some reason. K completely ditched me...I still don't know what happened to her. And Kinkos whas on some bullshit about she spent all her money the night before. Martinez didn't have a babysitter. Stace didn't have a baby sitter. Studios at home with her dude and her baby growing in her belly. Mon( my pathological liar homegirl) didn't have no money. Flores had to work. The guy I met at Biglots a few weeks ago invited me out but I declined.

Crazyc asked me where we were going I told him Gabah...since I know the DJ and I'd prolly ride for free. He said they (him and his croonies) were going there too. This tidbit of info made Gabah less inviting. I have to stay away from him not find ways to hang out with him.

Once crazyc was gone, NDN called me and told me to meet her at this other underground club at 1030. so I got dressed, picked up Mon( my pathological liar homegirl) from work (she got off at 930 and would have had to take the bus) dropped her off at home. Then headed out to the club.

I got there to find out it was eighteeen and older... sigh. Went inside. Straight to the VIP. Saw a few friends....felt a little weird that I was by my self, but seeing folks I know cheered me up. Do you know NDN didn't get there until 1230...yes! after new years had been rung in and when she got there, she was with her on again off again baby daddy....so basically I went to the club by myself on new years... I feel like such a sap. I ended up leaving around 130. everyone was kissing and coupled up and I was feeling real looser like. So, I stopped at Popeye's and went home.

So sad?

Such a waste of a cute out fit... And yes yall i was fly!. Black tunic dress with rinestone detail at the top... black tights black knee high boots.... shut up!

Today...I woke up feeling worried. I don't know just a sense of pending dome is upon me. Not a sadness just a little worry.

I had spoke to Flores last week, about hanging out with him today. So I woke up to the sound of my phone ringing. He says " you dressed?" I looked down at myself still in my black tunic dress tights half way down sprawled out on the bed. make smeared. hair now in an afro. and I cooly respond "yes" He says "I'm on my way to your house." I say "ok." I hopped up got dressed put on make up did the hair.

It takes him an hour to get here. I was dressed, house was clean and neat.
He rings the doorbell, he was lookin so damn fine... He had on a grey thermal shirt, a black shirt under it, dark jeans and black tennis shoes. Black sunglasses. That puerto rican skin was looking fine.... he had a half smoked cigarette in one hand and suitcase luis vitton bag in the other.... I open the door and he says "Baby! " He puts his bag down and hugged me. "Put on some shoes, let's eat."

We went down the street to this Mexican Resturant on Sepulveda.... We went in his red car! Yeahhhhh! I love the red car! I don't know what kind of car it is but it always makes me so happy when I see it. He had the top down... even though it was cold as a bitch. The top being down made me happy. We ate. It made me happy to eat with him as always.

We went back to my house, sat on the couch to talk. He wiped off my lipstick (as always). Then he checked out my hair.. Then he tells me that my face is getting fat. It's official: I'm a hippotamus now at 144 pounds.... so my resolution this year is to loose at least 20 lbs.

We laid on my couch talking and watching daytime television, like I wish we coul do everyday. Eating "One-Bite Walnut Brownies" from the bakery. sigh.... But my vacation from reality was short lived he had to go to work at 2.

I went and picked My up, took her to Shakey's. I Came home and watched cartoon movies with her. Talked to Biglots for about two hours...he's a talkative little man.

Flores just texted me "What a beautiful start to 2008" sigh....

Life. I wonder, will it take me under?

Wednesday- Took MY to her god mothers out in Monrovia. Came home, took a long steaming hot shower and feel asleep.

Thursday- Shop, Shop, Shop.

Friday- Went out with my home girl Stace and K to this bar in the Valley. We had a ball. Afterwards Stace and I went to Denny’s and ate. I met this guy named Kevin. He asked me for my number, but I think he didn’t really store it in his phone.

Saturday- Shopped. Met a guy at Biglots. Picked up MY. Came home and slept.

Sunday-I had a Christmas Party. SO MUCH FUN !! There were at least 30 people there. It was too fun. We ate, drank and played games and watched I am Legend on bootleg, that movie is the shit. I am going to see it at the movies. Barbershop came. He looked very handsome. I went into MY’s room and came out to over hear him talking to a friend of mine about me. It made me like him more. The way he told her that he was “hooked” made me smile. It was very sweet. He stayed the night. A few other, overly inebriated people did as well.

so what's up with me?

nada just living and learning...

How was yalls thanksgiving? Mine was cool Took My to see Enchanted at the El capitan theater. It was called the Enchanted experience. All the Disney princesses were there. They put makeup on them let them get dressed in princess dresses... it was nice. Then we went to my aunts, the one that I am her namesake not the one who's became an alcoholic, it was jammin on the one! the food was off chain.



I been Crazyc free, going on two weeks. I feel like I'm trying to quit crack. I had withdrawls the whole first week and now I still get twitches every now and then but I'm just taking it one day at a time. I've been ignoring the hell out of his "feeling on your bootie" ringtone on my cell. It's best that I just not even be around him. sighhhh...



barbershop, yeah the guy that insists that him being at the movies with his son's mother holding her hand wasn't a date....calls me on a consistent basis. I was hoping that one day he would realize that I never call him and he'd just stop calling me...men don't work that way, huh? so I'll prolly have to end up cussing him out...damn it...why do I always have to resort to cussing folks out?



my last thought reminded me of a cute little website I found that cracks me the hell up: http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/

My homegirl Studios is pregnant. Pretty exciting event.

My, my daughter's slumber party is next weekend pray for me yall. 10 4 to 5 year olds.


There's this burrito spot up the street that My and I walk over to on the weekends. Well, we walked over there yesterday and as we were coming out of there I saw Ayn, one of my sorrority sisters that I wrote a post about her name many years ago that I'm too lazy to link right now, She and I sat and chatted it up a bit.

Once I really I started to walk home and was interuppted by a jean-cd-dvd-iphone-flatscreen tv hustla coming out of the nail shop.

After he ran down his list of most likely stolen items to me that he was selling and I told him no at each, even though a $300 flat screen sounds good. He asked me if I went to XYZ high school. I rolled my eyes and shook my head yes. I he says "I went there too." I say "really?" and try to recognize his face. Which is stupid because I never remember anyone! I mean family friends, people i met yesterday...no one. I have theWORST facial recognition memory ever. Then he says "I remember you. You hung out with the twins, a light skin smart chic and that other girl "E"" I raised my eyebrows at him, like wow you remember all of that from like twelve years ago (when I was a freshman).

He says "you know me?" I look at him. He's real dark skin, sorta like he used to not be darkskin but his life has been so grimmey that he just got darker. Now, don't tell me you don't know what I mean? You know how crackmongers just somehow begin to turn dark once they start smoking regularly.. well that's the type of tan he had... a crackmongers tan. He had a little belly gut and his hands looked a little flakey. Maybe psoriasis...maybe just a hardknock life. I laughed because I had all these thoughts in about five seconds of looking him over. I say "no.."He says I'm "R".

He says the nickname of one of the finest damn men I remeber in my lifetime. When I was a freshman, there were some beautiful specimens walking those halls. But he was the finest. Tall medium chocolate gorgeous smile. I mean this man could've made your panties melt off just by thinking about them. He was beautiful. I mean, he was the entire reason I went to gym class my freshman year. So that I could watch him practice basketball. I must've had my mouth open in awe or a look of what-the-fuck on my face because he says "I changed huh?" I said "yeah, I mean no you just grew up." Grew up into a yuckmouth. I say "You remeber me?" He shakes his head yes. I say "why?". He says "you were a little cutie then". I shook my head yeah and thought to myself, I was. He says "You still look pretty fly now..." Fly? Really? I say "thanks" begin to walk away. that was it.

How could he just loose his glow like that?

anyways...I need to go do the laundry and visit my uncle to see what he can do with my brakes cause they sound like a train tryna stop.

so, here's more of my drama

How can I have so much drama in four days?

Lists are my new thing... here's another one...

#1. I met this guy, lets call him, Hairshow, on Halloween. I was dressed as Foxy, he was just sexy. He asked for my number I obliged and thus is the case. He called me early Thursday morning. Talked a good game, made a sista smile. Really nice. Owns a business, betcha can't guess what it is.. duh! Hence, the nickname. Seemed to have a good life story. Called him Friday; but he seemed to be unavailable. So I went out with Prada. (skip to #2 if you like to read in chronological order...) Saturday, Hairshow called me and asked me to meet him for lunch. I was hungry, so I said yea. I drove the three blocks over to his shop (we drive everywhere in Cali) and we met at a little spot near by and ate rice beans and chicken. Something about his style I was feeling. He's light skin, which I guess is my thing this year, and has red hair and freckles. He's funny and got a little hood in him. So I was lightweight diggin him.

Sunday I took My to see the Bee movie, I was laughing at the guy mentioned in #2 and thought to myself, wouldn't it be funny if this light skin guy standing right here in the line holding this chics hand and holding that baby was Hairshow... I lean down to help My with her shoe and I hear "Jen.?" I looked up and guess who that light skin guy standing there in the line holding some chics hand and holding a baby was, HAIRSHOW! I burst out in uncontrollable laughter...like a crazy person. Couldn't help myself, just my luck that I would see him there and that this would be the case.

Do you know this fool had the nerve to call me later (around 5) and just start talking like nothing happened? When I asked who was the chic at the movies, he said "oh I wanted to take my son to the movies and his mom wanted to come." Of all the stupid shit... that was the best.

#2 I met this other guy about two weeks ago, lets call him Prada. We've been talking much lately. And he's aiight. Light skin again and just way too pretty...shit he works at Prada. You have to have your picture approved by the Cooperate office in France to work there. Well we went out Friday night. We went to dinner and a movie and I was really diggin him. We went for a walk on the beach. Went back to his house, had coffee and ice cream. We watched Damon Waynans stand up and laughed our selves to sleep. He was a complete gentleman, didn't try no hanky panky or nothing. In the morning he took me to breakfast at Jack in the crack. Good times were had by all.

Saturdy evening he called me while I was in the Valley at a party for Sony Studios aunt. He was acting all bug aboo. Because I know I had told him about the party and he was claiming that he thought we were supposed to have dinner. I was like look I told you what I was doing today, why are you trippin? He just kept going on and on. I was getting pissed. plus I was drunk and he was killing my high, so I told him if he wanted to argue than I'll talk to him in the morning when I'm sober.

He called me all cracked out like telling me that he deserves to be treated better...blah blabl blah.. I don't like whiney men and I don't like listening to that shit. so I told him peace witht he two fingers, like Martin used to do on his show:

#3.Crazyc came by Saturday night. It started off cool. We were playing Uno. Watching Tv. when Prada called me late night 2am. I let the phone ring and Crazyc got so pissed at me. Was talking his shit all. I was so pissed at Prada. But more at myself... Crazyc know whats up but he don't want to see that shit...or hear the phone ring. He was really mad at me. It hurt.

#4 So as you can see I have no problem meeting them... I just meet the wrong ones. Or is it that I need to get my magnet fixed again? Like you do with your bank card...

#5 Saturday afternoon I took My ice skating. She got a little defeated and decided that really wasn't her thing. It wasn't mine either I didn't enjoy falling all over the freezing ice. Sony studios and her soon-to-be daughter in law came along too. It was nice to spend the afternoon with a mommyfriend. Later we went to Sonystudios' aunt's house, who was giving herself a b-day party. That was nice. You know since I told My it was a party she danced all the night long...wasn't no stopping her. Too funny I have pics maybe i'll share...still thinking about it.

Sunday I took My to the movies to see the Bee movie it was funny... I took her to Denny's afterwards to eat dinner and as we were leaving these two guys held the door open for us.I said "thank you" My says "Adios amigos!" It was so cute... I love my little muchkin.

Note to self: please write about the retarted people at work.

life is a beautiful struggle....

In the true spirit on halloween I dressed up... fabulously I might ad... looka here at foxy brown working her magic:

XXX

Actually, this pic is from last year, but I wore the exact same thing this year...welll I didn't wear the booty shorts this year...but I was still hot...

I won second prize in competetion at work. $30 and two movie tickets. SO I sorta thought I was fly. After work My went with bigsis and her kids trick or treating (as usual). She was a princess, of course. I would post a pic, but I'm to sure about it...mybe after I think about it some. She was cute though... my love! SHe told me halloween morning, "mommy, you gon wear your hoochie mama boots today?" The boots I had on were to my knees, white leather with fur.

Since My was off with bigsis. I went with Sonystudios, her boyfriend timmypoo, his brother and his friend to an amusement park.. It was cool. Not as scary as Knotts scary farm...but fun!

That's it...

That's $110 at work this week alone...Iwon the pool for when my co-workers wife would have their baby ($80). So I'm having a great week so far:

1. met a young boy that thinks I'm fly

2. won 110 at work

3. went to an amusement park

4. what i did last nigt with crazyc after i got home from the amusement park

5. I have the most intelligent child in the world.

6. life is beautiful.