i AM still alive.

- life complicates your plans sometimes; therefore, i jane, have been m.i.a. for 50 million days on blogger. i'm back now bitches!

- MY, my fantasic little 5 year old is in Florida on the vacation i wish i could afford... disneyworld, bahamas, water park, massages, life and luxury...chillin with my parents out in WPB

-e, is offically out of the picture. expect for his occasional text message of a simple: "imissyou". the fact that he had intention on purposely impegnanting me (yes....i was like ay, yo bra I don't roll likes that! yafeelme?!) and a number of other things that led to our relationship demise.

- vh1 and i are something of an item. if i do dare to say so myself. don't say it. i know im a sucka for love. so what, don't like me! the truth is i enjoy being a part of a "we" as in we went to see the Hulk this weekend and we had lunch at Kabuki and I made sangria as he prepared homemade pesto and pasta with lemon shrimp all from scratch on a hot sunny afternoon so that we could have dinner and movie.....sigh....being in a "we" is always fun....

- my hair is on banging this week....

yeah I know my camera sucks! buy me a new one! ok these pictures do me no justice but i missed yall so hopefully you missed me.****looking out at the blog world, needing a little love****

- nina, email me your address so that I can send you flatrandy...he's been talking about you non stop for the last three weeks....ughhhh you two make me sick!

- I saw mr.wonderful last week. it wasn't uncomfortable. it wasn't weird. in fact we've been chatting a bit. only as FRIENDS nothing else. i wouldn't want to put yall through that again! ha!

-sony studios, my bestfrend, is about to pop. her baby is due anysecond any minute....and yes, I will be an auntie again!

- the following statements are made in complete awareness that I may be coming off like a homophob (which may very well likely be what i am, you tell me whether I over reacted).:

I am officially not friends with my refound friend bonee, that confessed to me that she was bisexual or gay or whatever. I feel like she was tryna have a selie and shoog avery momment (circa the color purple) with me the other night...."tramp i love dick!" oopps...sorry. but that is how i feel! I mean, if can respect that you like cooch; then respect that i love penis! matter fact I want a t-shirt made that says "I love penis" I love my own cooch, shoot I take it eveywhere i go like mastercard but i don't like other women in that tingly feeling kinda a way. and i don't like that someone who knows that would "try" something with me.....she didn't try to kiss me or nothing... she made me extremely comfortable...

1. she comes over talking about she spending the night...huh first she didn't ask could she and we grown ass women what we got to spend the night foe? you live right around the corner?!

2. we susposed to be going to the club and she get to my house not dressed, hair in disarray. talking about oh, i'm hook my hair up right now.

3. she say she don't feel well. I was like "why you comeover you knew I was going out?"

4.then she have the nerve to say to me "can't you just take care of me?" BITCH no! I ain't your dude! I was like "you gotta go!" put her ass outta my house.

-bigsis my older sister who's not talking to me, but i could give a shit, really. is due in september but she big as a seven-monther.

-oh, yeah i met vh1's friends and family the other weekend....it was intresting to say the least. one of his homies looks like a photocopy of lil john. so ridiculous. another one was looking fizzzine like chico debarge when he first got outta jail....um um um

- well i'm fina drink the rest of this sangria and have me a slice of chocolate chip cheese cake....

KISSES....stop that! no tongue!....ewwwww.

Truth be told.

*I met mrniceynice one day when I’d taken my daughter to get some ice cream at coldstones (cookiedon’tyouwantsome), I walked out the store, hand in hand with MY and he drove past in his Tahoe looking very handsome (from the side). He spoke clearly. Didn’t try to "mack me up". He smiled, I saw the gap in his teeth, reminded me of Mr. Wonderful… he had a gap too. That night I spoke to him over the phone for hours. Great conversation. Funny. Warm. Attentive. The next day we went out for ice cream, back to the scene of the crime.

* He's a nice guy. I'm not trying to find anything wrong with him. I'm not trying to create a problem with him. I am just not necessarilly physically attracted to him per se. He's not my type. He's handsome; but he's just not my type. The more time I spend with him the more I like him. I just don't want to do "it" to him. It's not that there's anything at all wrong with him, I just don't have an immediate want to hump him. Like I could see my self being with him. We're a good pair...but I just don't know if I'd want to have babies with him? crazy...ehh...whatever!

* Barbershop called me this morning at 7:16am, we chatted. He then went on to inform me that he’s moving into the building directly across from me. His apartment would be the one that looks right into my front door. Can you hear the funereal music? I can ….my favorite color is pink yall, and I hate blush, don’t let em put blush on me.

*I’m having a party this weekend. It’s for my 27th birthday (which isn’t until the 6th but I’m going to prom on the 3rd …yeah prom {I’ll explain later}) and it’s also going away party for my home girl Kinkos. The home girl Tinez back out on the deal…trick (I say that with as much love as possible). My homegirl Eb is going to my hair and eyelashes. I don’t have a dress yet. I’ll get one by the end of the day. Stay tuned for photos...

* I’m going to a series that my Bishop is having called "The Levels of Love"… to be continued.

* Oh yeah a few posts ago I referred to my shoes as "platforms" I meant "wedge heels"!!! HA!
For my cuzo's party: She cried, we went to the resturant that he took her for their first date, we went to a club, a friend of mine brought us a round of drinks, got back in the stretch limo Navigator and I threw up. end.

* mynewlovepoem guy got a little miffed at me because i was drunk and didn't call him. we're done.

*i talked to bwood he's doing good.

*crazyc moved to Nevada but he's here in LA like every weekend.

*I'm planning a baby shower for my girl studios...the prettiest pregnant girl ever (besides me...cause I was fine)

Mylife in tidbits

* I just burnt my ground turkey....that's aiight it's still gon' be jammin' on the one.

* Valentines day was no spectacle. A little of this a little of that, nothing I'll remember next year.

* I have a friend that irritates me to the very core of my being. She has a boyfriend she's been with for a year and a half and he hasn't told her he loves her; because, he "doesn't know what love feels like"... sigh....I scream obscenities at her every time she brings him up in conversation. His name is not allowed at my house.

* MY started her ballet classes recently....may I say, that the young chic takes after her mother.... primaballerina! The teacher called me aside afterwards and commented on her abilities.

* Flores and My, have taken on a sarrogate father/daugther type relationship... Good for the both of them. Since the two of them have taken notice of each other...lil ole me has been thrown to the side... LOL. Honestly, I appreciate him giving her such a positive role model...ya know? But, can I get a lil mommy love?

*"You're not clean until you wash with soap"- something only a mother of a five year old has to say.... every day.

* I belong to one of those large black churches. I am a member of the praise team at one of those large black churches. My church hosted an event for Bishop TD Blakes last night, and I have to say that some of the young ladies on the praise team from another one of the LBC were not very cordial. That's all I have to say about that.

* I saw Mr. Wonderful today. It was the first time since the last time. It was at a stop light. We met eyes. No expressions just blinks. I felt a little sad all morning.

* My co-worker is an undercover DD (dookie dick). I wouldn't have a problem with it, if he'd just came out and said "Ay, yo I loves me some dick". Instead he makes up imaginary 18 year old girlfriends (that came come to dinner with us because she's too young) and all sorts of nonesense. Here's other little hints he gives: 1. He wears wigs randomly. 2. He snaps his fingers when he's excited. 3. He fans himself with his hand, breaking at the wrist. 4. He takes Midol for headaches. 5. He has panic attacks. 6. He "promotes parties" for a company that has the word "boys" in it. 7. He went to the KeithSweat concert last night. 8. He arches his eyebrows....better than mine I might add. I don't feel like finishing this list...but really do I need to?

* Let me introduce you to my new boots:

Aren't they fabulous!!! Sigh. I wish I could marry them.

* I must give it to myself, I was looking fly today. I knew it too. I love those days when I feel this way.... I wore my brown tapered blazer, my mellow-blue flowy dress that ties in the back and cris crosses in the front, my green, blue and brown boheiman bag and of course my brown knee high scrunchy boots, that tie in the back (shown above...really I just want you to admire how cute they are one more time). The boots have two little strings that hand down from the back of each boot, that make me feel, for some reason that I am working the run way! Oh... How I wish I could get the security tapes from my building at work....I worked the heck outta that walkway today!!!

Here's my purse:

*As you can see I didn't do a damn thing at work today, because both of the pictures above were taking during work hours!

*My space bar is trippin.

*My five year old's complaining that her fingers look like an old lady.

* All day today, at the end of my calls, I said to each customer "Happy Black History Month" it stunned the shit out of them all!

* Mahalo!

"I hate how much I love you boy..."

Many long years ago..ok four or five years ago. I met a guy name Fls (yeah I switched up his name...so what). The first date we ever went on I fell in love with him. Everything about him. Except the fact that we're the same exact height. But he is truely my equal...shit he knows it. We both felt the same way. After that first date, we saw each other everyday for almost 3 months.

When we first met My was about a year, when my momma still lived in Cali and I'd actually get weekends and days in the middle of the week with out a child. We did everything together. I was over his apartment more than at my own. plus he had a big screen tv that his momma brought him and cable and I had a floor model tv and didn't even have a dvd player. Then my psycho deranged insecurites kicked in... I felt myself falling for him and I ran from that feeling. I wanted to be as far away from that feeling as possible. Yet I was jealous of everythuing he did. Every move he made. He went out of town for the week, he asked me to take him to the airport; but didn't ask me to pick him up. In my crazed puff the magic dragon mind that was a reason to believe he was cheating on me... Now that I look back and I know that it was psycho and random...but I really believed it.

I stopped calling him. Stopped answering his calls. Stopped texting him. Stopped visiting him. Just stopped.

I think I lightweight broke him. He changed and not for the better. He doesn't trust me anymore. Well, not with his heart at least... He did let me borrow one of his cars once. But I can't break back into his heart. Not in that way. Not like we used to be.

All these years and he and I are still tight. We still have the most beautiful conversations about everything and nothing. He still can put a smile on my face with just a smile. He still sings me Prince songs and sends me the most beautiful text messages and leaves me long voice mail messages about nothing. And when I'm having a bad day he's the person I call...other than Studios... By trade he is motivational (he's a youth conselor and his part-time job is sorta like that super nanny show) and I love him even more for it.

Now it's a different kind of love though. It's different from the love I have for Crazyc in that my love for Crazyc is like love for an old toy you had as a kid, you don't know why you love it you just do. With Fls, there are very specific things and elements about him that I adore. Things he does and the way he does them. Things he won't do. Things he would never compromise.

I don't know it's just weird. He's such a honest person. The kinda dude that lays it all out to you. Very direct. He doesn't make reasons to have to apologize. A real honorable guy. Very expressive. Let's the people who he loves know that he loves them. Very in your face about the fact that you are someone he holds dear. Educated. About his money. And takes care of his son dedicatedly.

Honestly, and don't tell no body I said this, a lot of our affection for each other is that we both wish we could trade in the people we had children with for each other. Not to say we don't both have wonderful children...because we do and if we hadn't had them with the two people we had them with they would be different...but we both admire the love we share for our children I can speak for him on this subject cause we've talked about it at length. Not to belittle the relationship I had with my daughter's father...shit, fuck it...I don't care, I;ll belittle his-29-years-old-working-at-a-chicken-shack-ass as much as i feel like it; but Fls and I have always fluttered with the idea that things would be different if he were my daughter's dad and I was his son's mother.

The mother of the son is really trippin on him now. Moved the son to a new state. He damn near died. Balled his self up into a big ole ball. It was hard because this was happening to him at the same time I was with Mr.Wonderful. I didnt' really know how to handle, wanting to be there for Fls and wanting to start a relationship with Mr. Wonderful.

On my birthday; after my fabulous weekend with Mr. Wonderful I went over to Fls's house and he played that song he wrote for me. Not asking me for nothing... just letting me hear it. He sang me prince songs and we jumped on the bed together...that's it.

He got through it. He got custody of his son for the summer and a week in the winter. Which he was not happy with.

Then this bitch, against order of the court moves to another state, doesn't tell him. He had to hire a detective and a lawyer to find her. Now, he's taking her to court for full custody. The trial is Thursday. He is so nervous and anxious and busting at the seams he doesn't know what to do with his self.

The trial is in downtown LA and he lives about 1.5 hours away, in California morning traffic so I offered to let him stay with me Wednesday so he'd only have a 20 minute drive to court.

As many times as I've spent the night at his house. He has only ever spent the night at mine once or twice. And never with my daughter here. I think he's nervous. He was asking me should he bring anything and just rambling on about it. I thought it was cute... but I'm realizing I'm kinda nervous too... but why? Prolly a lil cus My will be here. I intend on making his stay a secret to her. But it still feels weird.

just some randomness to lay on ya...

Still crazyc free... pray for me yall.

Other Shyt to worry about

Sigh... So Mr. Wonderful emailed me today. I didn't respond. I refuse to let myself get angry and irratated about this.

In order for me to forget about Mr. Wonderful I've dedicated this post to other things I need to worry about; Like:

1. The fact that all of Southern California is burning down all around me. Every day my car is covered in ashes. The ashes of the belongings of people who now have nothing. Everything is gone. Thier computers- gone. Their beds gone. Their socks- gone. Everything they own burned. I'm a horrible person because this morning all I could think was, "the ashes are ruining my $17 car wash"... major reality check. I had to sit down and really focus. So My and I took our cans to the recycling place and donated the $ to the Red Cross. Vain redemption? Life is such an oxymoron.

2. My daughter is turning 5; which makes me the mother of a 5 year old. I'm getting old.

3. My shoulder creeks when I move it...That's a sense of how old I've gotten.

4. I have to decide if I want to continue on this road I'm going down with Crazyc. He helped me out of my first crisis with Mr. Wonderful. And he is unknowingly helping me out of this one. I love him. There's soooo much history behind our relationship, I'm writing a book on it. Yet, I know that the words that spill out this mouth could drive me to murder. I don't think his larynx is connected to his brain because there's no way that the brain knows what his voice box is saying. He does a body good; just like milk. But should I stay knowing I'll never truely be happy? Or will I? There has to be something that makes me stay with him right? It couldn't just be familiarity, right? That can't be the only reason, I'm with him, right? Just because it's what I'm used to.....

5. My house is a damn mess. The dishes, the rooms, the bathroom. sigh... it's over whelming. I'll start with the living room and bathroom tonight.

6. I still ain't got no driver's license. $5000 to go.

7. I'm still trying to get this business started. I'm barely in the scratch paper stages and I got people trying to book dates.... that excites me and scares me at the same time.

8. What am I going to be for Halloween? I got to win the $100 prize my job is giving away. SO I can put towards the $5000.

9. I have to work on my customer service skills. Some days I really am the angryblacklady over the phone.

10. I got an extra $20 bucks on the phone bill because of this internet connection.

11. I'm giving My a slumber party, so I'm going to have 12 little girls at my house for over 12 hours... terrified!

12. Flores. Nuff said. I've been avoiding him...but if he doesn't stop sending me those text messages with those sweet little inticements; I'm going to be right back there with him, naked, in his bed, watching his flat screen, eating pizza he ordered, while he stands on the bed singing me Prince songs....No, No, No, I won't let myself do it.

13. Why is there still hardly any Black people on television? It's like we don't really exist, in their worlds. Not even enough to hire us as extras...WOW.

14. I need the thingy that connects the tire to the axle to be replaced on my car.

15. I need a good gospel song to perform to for my audition next month and I only have two weeks, to choreograph something. Any suggestions?

ok, that makes me feel better..... exhale.

I'm back Bytch!

Today I got a little bit of my steam back. When I got to work Mr. Wonderful had written me an email stating that he wanted to continue being my friend. I wrote him an email detailing how selfish that is. How dare he expect me to be able to do that? He couldn't do that for me, so why should I be forced to do that for him.

That made me feel better being able to say what the hell I wanted to say...ya dig?

I feel like a kid in a candy store playing on the internet now!!! I can do it all right here at the hizzy!

Ambo and I went out on Saturday...to this bar in downtown LA (the new hot spot...for all the cool people). We had soooooo much fun. I gotta learn to play pool better than I did on Saturday! Ambo ended up trading info with this fine ass WhiteBoy (the bartender) at the bar. He's really sweet... I'm not ususally in favor of the co-mingling... but I give her a pass since she's so lite skin... Just kidding. Here we are looking super fine Valentine....Pretty girls Rock!

Saturday Night Early Morning Sunday CrazyC invited me and Ambo to go to this reggae after hours club on the eastside...We were weary about it but we went anyway. It was hella gansta. Motorcycles out side and shit... So we skipped the club came back to my house she passed out on the couch and I fell out in my bed...It was 4am anyway

Big sis came over and kicked on Sunday after she got out of school. That's the first time she and I have hung out since she discovered this new boyfriend. That I love for her.

Sony studios came by and did my hair. (She's Ambo's twin so look up one more time if you want to see what she looks like!). That heffa got my hair so straight I'm looking like I might have a 16th of Asian....damn! LOL!

Well, CrazyC was supposed to make us brownies but he weenied out.

I talked to him today... that made my day better too.

Well let me go visit a few pages of a few friends!

Another Sad Love Song

Today was a bad day. Mr. Wonderful and I broke up again. It’s a good thing though. It’s awful being in love with someone who doesn’t love you back. I don’t think myself esteem will ever rebuild. I feel like I want to crawl under a big rock and die.

I am such a mess right now. But why? Why was I so in love with him? I knew from the beginning, Just read my posts on it… that this relationship was headed in a bad place. I let this happen to me. I think I’m going to let my self really feel what this feels like. I’m no going to hold back tears or say to myself that I don’t care. Because I really do.
I really did.

I swear I’m finished this time.

Home Sweet Home

Ok so I finally have my computer. I can type and write as much as I want to. No more breaks just because I don’t have the supplies…Y’all know I need my tools to get my job done. Well it’s not really a job but its something I absolutely love to do.

In the time and age when everyone has a computer and everyone blogs about their life, isn’t it refreshing to believe that mine will be different? Well it’s not. I’m just Jenny. Just like everyone else. Ain’t nothing special, except I do tend to get into a lot of drama and I try to tell the whole truth. Even though there’s definite possibility that someone I really know could discover this blog one day and find out all my secrets… oh well I really don’t care anyway…

I’m just loving the idea, that there’s a possibility that someone, somewhere may be able to read my words and relate to them. It’s such a beautiful relief to realize that one can be understood. That someone can read my words and say “well, damn. I feel you Jen. I truly feel you.”

Now that I’m at the hizzy while I type; I’ll be able to type in my jimmies or late at night when I wake up restless or type what ever the fuck I want with no fear that the job is reading…You know what would be truly ironic and entirely like me? If I continued to write as scarcely as when I didn’t have a computer…..LOL…

Ok, Let’s get to what every one really wants to know...who the hussy is sleeping with.

Well the last time I wrote, when I was in Illinois, I mentioned that Mr. Wonderful and I had broken up…gees was that hard. It was self defeating.

That whole week, I had an ache in my stomach that something wasn’t right with us; but, when I finally asked him what was really going on, between he and I, I never expected that he would flip out and turn into Mr. Scaredy Cat. It was like he thought I was trying to put a lock down on his ass. Put him behind doors or something. It really hurt. I prolly over reacted… because I was loving with my heart and not my head, but I needed him to say “ Jen, after 7 months, this is how I feel about you…”. Instead, he said “ I don’t know”. All that time and he didn’t know. I was once again just another chic. Here he is know as Mr. Wonderful on my blog and I was “I don’t know” to him.

I really cried. I mean like hard core movie of the week tears; I closed the bathroom door and became a sobbing ball of mess. Sigh.

Ambo came by that same day, just by chance, or by heavenly design, to bring me some boxes (since I was moving). She saw what a debacle I had become and tried to save me from myself. We went to Martinez’s house and watched “Black Snack Moan”. They smoked while I drank away the hurt.

That night, Crazyc called me and I cried to him. For the first time ever, in all our 13 years, he heard me cry. Not just bitching to him about something, really sad, uncontrollable crying. I don’t think he knew what to do with that. I think it made him feel like he needed to protect me. Since then he’s really been here for me.

Now, he’s still his old selfish ass self. But I know how much he cares. We talk pretty much daily. We’re doing the hanky panky and all but it’s not what you could call a relationship…well at least I don’t think so. I don’t ever think CrazyC and I will ever marry and be the Huxtables; but, you know that song by that girl that I don’t her name called “I’ll always be your lady”? Well I’ll always be his lady.

Back to Mr. Wonderful, one day about a month after the conversation about whether or not we were going to be together or not. I got pissed, like hella pissed. I wrote him a long email asking about why he hadn’t called me or anything and saying that I deserved a better ending than that. He wrote me back apologetically and we started a friendship from there.

One day, after about a month of just emailing each other, he wrote to me:
“I don’t know how you’re going to take this but I miss your lips..”

I didn’t know how to take it. I didn’t know what to write so I conferred with Sonystudios.

She wouldn’t tell me what to write. She simply threatened to beat the shit out of him if he hurt me again. She just told me to be careful and really think about what I wanted. I didn’t. I hung up with her went to my desk and wrote that I missed him too.

We went on a date the next week. Football game for his god son, sushi, and I ended up spending the night at his house. We did it (I’m in Jr. High). It wasn’t like before. It was different. He was never so aggressive before. I liked it. We got breakfast and he brought me home in the morning. I called him Sunday but it was weird an awkward. I thought of never speaking to him after that. We didn’t talk for a day. Then he called me and asked me what was wrong. I couldn’t explain it. It just felt weird.

A few weeks later he came over to watch a movie. He spent the night. That was still different. I won’t get explicit (you’ll get that in the book version) but what he did to me that night made me fall asleep instantaneously. I woke up beaming. Two people commented that day on my glow….

So now the drag is, I have two “Sumathatime” men. Neither are really my boyfriend. I really care about both of them and I have been. I could go either way on who I love the most. And I know if either found out it could blow up in my face. It’s just that they each have their own places in my heart. It’s strange, I’m 26 and still a playa. You’d think I’d be over this.

You know what I really wish? I wish that I could figure a way to move them both in with me. It would be so perfect. (for me of course). It wouldn’t be ok when I came home and caught them together or something ….ewwww the thought makes my stomach hurt.

All jokes aside, I’m still lonely. Still wishing I had one real boyfriend. Sigh. I’m starting to believe that it’s just not for me.

Fly by night

ok, folks here's the thing. this has to be short and sweet.

As you've guessed it I have no access to a computer on a regualr basis....super sad!!!

Here's a quick update on the life:
1. Currently, I'm in Springfield, Il. on a business trip...there ain't shit out here; but, corn and white folks. Ain't shit to do; thus, the time to post in the lobby. I'm sittin next to this young white army dude right now (who's been on the computer since I got here on Monday...non-stop) he's all up in my business. Prolly cus the whole time I been here I been up in his.

2. I love my new job... It's really cool. There are some punk ass bitches that I would love to express my feelings about...but there just ain't time.

3. I LOOOOOOOOOOOOOVVVVVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEEE my new appartment. It is so fresh. I had a house warming and it was off tilt. It ended up turing into a house party then into a slumber party... too much fun was had by all.

4. Mr. Wonderful and I broke up. Yes, I know.
I really can't discuss it because it feels like the subject is still so hot on me, it might melt my insides.
He and I just recently started emailing each other again, but it looks like we're way back at January 2007 again; when I barely mentioned his existence to you all....
Why did we break up you ask....The answer is simply confusing. I think that's why it hurts; because I don't understand it. I asked him "where did he see this relationship going?" and it went all down hill from there. I wish I could tell all the details...It's just not the place right now....

5. I am back fooling around with crazychris...shut up. I'm human and I'm falable. He had to help me move; since, Mr.Wonderful didn't even call me after our incident. And one thing lead to another and I'm back tangled in his shit.

6. I'm talking to this other guy that we'll call PRican. he's cool. really laid back...yall (something I picked up here in nowheresville, Il.) would like him...ha ha I say that like I have power over who reads this.....I don't got that power but I sure know who you are if you do.....My spidey senses.

7. Flores and I have been spending a lot of time together. His son's mother moved to Florida. So he's been really depressed lately.... damn I love his lips....every woman should own a pair of her very own.

8. MY starts kindergarten in September....this is a big deal...TRUST ME!

9. I'm wearing my real hair...like the picture on my page now....

10. I have been a little depressed lately due to the issues with mr. wonderful but ...I'm trying to get through it....

watch me now... pray for me...

KISSSESSSSSS until the next time I can post....

Update!!!!

I’m leaving my job! I’m going to work for a drug distributor. My last day is tomorrow. I fear that I am not going to post very often because I’m going to be working. Booo work!

I still keep putting off buying a home computer. I need one, bad.

5 Great things about my new job:
1. The hours are perfect, 9-6.
2. Everyone there has been there for 20 years or more (low turnover rate).
3. In December 2007 I will be in charge of my own division.
4. It’s near my daughter’s school.
5. It’s near my new apartment.

Oh yeah, I got a new apartment!!!! The rents more (almost double) but it’s a two bedroom, I have my own garage, washer and dryer hook up, dishwasher, and it’s in a much safer neighborhood. It’s not in the BEST neighborhood, but its better.

Mr. Wonderful and I are still together. He is so great. We’re still going so slow we’re almost in reverse but it’s good for me. I’m used to hyper speed relationships. I think we counter each other out.

Sonystudios is getting hitched! Yep hitched! Prolly by the end of the summer isn’t crazy? I guess not. LoveisLove.

one day later....

one day later and i may have to take back my head over heels post. .
Wednesday, I was supposed to go eat with mr. wonderful but he decided to "go running" after work and got home later than anticipated. I did too but, it was still only like 9 but suddenly he was ohsotired and didn't want to do anything anymore.
yesterday, mr.wonderful and i emailed back and forth at work as usual. than yesternight (i just made that up) i tutored bigsis and her friend in math so that they can pass thier nursing exam and wont become nursing school dropouts. once that was done i called him and he didn't answer and didn't call me back. today i emailed him and he didn't write back. what's up?
i thinkit's maybe he doesn't really like me. maybe i've created this fantasy relationship with someone that really isn't interested.
see what i mean. he's great and yet not so great. that's my life. thats where the title of the blog truely derived from.

post #201 !!!

was going on, with me? a bunch.

work It's gotten real bad. I hate waking up and coming in here everyday. it is real tough on a sista to have to deal wit the bullshit i deal with. i pray to god everday for a breakthrough. it looks like one is coming soon. i'll share that with the blog world if it does.

I have had two high blood pressure and one low blood pressure readings int he last month. it's due to stress the nurse told me. work is affecting my health, so i know a change has to happen.

matters of the heart i am head over freaking heels for mr.wonderful. he is the most considerate man i've met. i had an interview the other day and he sent me a text that morning that said "you know you're the best, right?" he's so sweet, i've got cavities. i love it. i love him (i ain't got bold enough to tell him, but i will. i will. i'm hesitant because he is still so protective with his self. he is still in a little bit of a shell; but it seems everyday he opens up little by little.

we also have a issue with a difference in our sex drives. i...well yall have read allllll about me, lol. he seems to be so unconcerned with it. (example: my daughter's at her dad's im home alone we both aint got to work the next day, i invite him over and he tells me he's tired.) that's just not normal to me. is it me? i have said in previous conversations with friends or what not that sex would be a deal breaker for me in a relationship. but right now im not even feeling that way. its an issue but i not in a state of more or i'll leave....yet. i thought i would be more inpatient about something like sex. not now. back in the day, let some dude pass over the va-jay-jay like he does; I would've been took crazycris up on his offers. i don't feel it necessary this time....funny huh?

i thought maybe it has to do with my neighborhood. it's getting a little tough. the gangstas be outside and shit now... twice he's came over and there's been issues with the po-lice. once he was forced to spend the night because they had blocked off the street. i guess i would be a little picky about where i parked my lexus too. but classic had a ss on dubs and he would always park over there...if it meant he got some va-jay jay. not like i'm saying i want mr.wonderful to be the same way or that our relationship should be based around sex. because i feel like we have so much more than that already, i want it to grow into so much more...but like R.kelly says "my body's calling" he ain't answering though.

life so because my apartment is getting a little "unsafe" i have been thinking about moving. i went see martinez on mother's day, she just got the hopsital...i didn't even right about that....oh, she had to have a hysterectomy (here's a little history on hysterectom, it comes from the idea that greek physician's believed that the uterus caused women to become "hysterical" during menopause.[the suffix -ectomy means to surgically remove] so they created the procedure hysterectomy to remove the hysteria from post menopausal woman...tough titty huh?) she had cancer or almost cancer or something. So I went to see her Sunday. I hadn't seen her since she was in the hospital so I figured my mind was in the right place on mother's day. martinez told me that her daughter's father is moving out of his old apartment and i should take a look at it. the next day she text me her bbd's cellphone number, he hooked me up with the apartment manager and i went to see it this week. it was jammmmminnnn!!! i am truely in love with it. so i might be moving....you know what that means....house warming.

love My is becoming the most wonderul little person in the world. to be four she has more know compassion than most people i know. i don't think i would be anything if it wasn't for her. she is a little angel. god is in her spirit. she's a little box of heavenlyness walking around. i marvel at her. honestly, where did she come from. her spirit is so warm and forgiving. i wouldn't be suprised if she doesn't be come a minister.

i was in the bathroom this morning and i said a little prayer "god please give me a little encouragement, let me know it's going to be ok." about ten minutes later MY came in and sat down on the closed toliet and started singing "go, mommy! go mommy! go, mommy!" it was just what i needed to hear.

Clarity

Friday-
Mr. Wonderful called me early in the AM to remind me that we were going to dinner that evening. He told me to pack a bag. I ended up being able to get off early Friday so I took MY to her favorite place. I rushed home and hopped in the shower, out on my clothes and let Mr. Wonderful know that I was ready.

Once he picked me up we went to eat. Then we walked around a little bit. We ran into his cousin, which he told me that his cousin might be coming up to where we were anyway. I felt really uncomfortable because his cousin introduced us to the girl he was with, but Mr Wonderful didn't really introduce me to them. As a matter of fact, the three of them went on having a conversation as if I wasn't even there. I got a little bit of an attitude. (I had been drinking too.)

After the conversation with them we went into this fudge place and he brought me a little block of mint fudge. We left the chocolate place and I'm still sorta of running the whole "meeting" his cousin thing through my mind, getting a bit more of an attitude. We stopped so that he could get gas and in my clouded haze of drunkness I thought 'who did he get stuck with in Vegas, then?" (This is from something Mr. Wonderful told me that happened a month ago). So by the time he got back in the car I was livid. I didn't show it, but I was. We're driving like we're about to go home (back to LA) when, we turn in to this Hotel and I think in my head "ok, so we're going to get a room?" But when we parked, he didn't go get a key. He already has the room key...

We get our bags and go in (I'm still a little pissed) , once inside the room there's candies all over the bed (he and i were talking about how much I wanted chocolates the other day) and a jucczzi and liquor in the fridge and I forgot about the whole cousin thing. It was really sweet. So sweet. Then he took out the little piece of fudge and put one pink candle in it and sang happy birthday! Love. sigh

Saturday-We woke up and had breakfast, did a little shopping and went back home.

Saturday night- I went to Wokcano with the girls afterwards we went to the club. Some hefty girls were hating on my flyness... just cause I'm hot. Since it was my birthday the old BVC crew was giving me shots out on the mic and the hefty girls were just jealous. Doing the regular: starring, trying to create a hostile environment. When Kinko's asked her was there a problem, her thick ass homeboy got all in Kinko's face. It was a bit much. I still had fun, even with the haters watching.

On my way home cracychris was just blowing my phone up. I had to put my phone in the drawer so that I didnt' have hear that mess. He was talking about letting him come over and what not...just the same bullshit as always. I fell asleep half on the bed half off.

Sunday- I just hung out. Sunday was my official B-day, so I just chilled. Plus I had a hell of a hangover. So I had to chill.

Sunday night- Flores invited me to his house, on some professional type stuff. Nothing romantic. He wrote a song about me that he's planning on including in his album (he's a rapper) so he wanted me to hear it first. Mr. Wonderful was off doing...whatever... so I took Flores up on his offer. It was cool. The song was nice... He performed a little karokee for me...it was cool. It made me sort of think why couldn't we make it work some months ago? I left before I got too deep in thought.

On my way to pick up MY crazychris sent me 50 million texts about he's sorry for all that he did and he loves me and what can he do to make it right. It's so true that once you're with someone all the others get to hunting for you.

Monday- MY's dad picked her up, so Mr. Wonderful and I went to eat dinner. His house is such a "guy's" house. I was sitting in the living room, re-organizing the livingroom in my head. I'm not trying to move in or nothing but it definitely needs a ladies touch.

unclear

Well I haven’t written in sometime…It’s like I fell off the earth. Or something. Mr. Wonderful and I are still “together”. We did end up going to San Diego. It was nice. We didn’t spend the night though; we just went for the day. He ended up spending the night and it was all love.

The problem is with the right now. We’re at that point where we need to make a decision about whether we’re boyfriend and girlfriend. We’re both kind of wading around it. But the hesitancy in both of us is pushing us apart. The thing is I have really strong feelings for him. I’m truly falling in love. But it’s as if he’s afraid to feel that way.

Last Sunday, we went to eat and he was acting so half assed. He didn’t open the door for me. He didn’t hold my hand. I thought at first it was because MY was with us but; then it began to rain and he blatantly left us. By the time we got to the car he was inside with the car turned on. I didn’t immediately complain but I though about it later and We sort of had “the conversation” but it just left me more confused. Then yesterday we had another one of those conversations and it left me pissed. I don’t know what to do or say. I care about him but I feel like he’s a little in turmoil about his feelings for me. What to do?

I had a really bad dream about Flores the other day. So bad, I woke up crying. He died in my dream. I sent him a text message. It said “Are you still alive?” He sent me one back that said “yes baby.” I wrote back “just checking.” He waited about thirty minutes and then called me. We talked for a minute, just about nonsense: his new car and the kids at his job. He wanted to know about getting together sometime and I told him about Mr. Wonderful. He said that’s cool and that he still wanted to do something for my birthday. I was tripping because he remembered.

So he sent me a text message this morning that said “you reminded me of how great you are and how stupid I am”.

Glad to hear that. The saga continues.

Skipping through the tulips...still

Mr. Wonderful is such a great guy. I absolutely am head over heels for this guy. He is god kissed and from a whole other bread of man. Where did he come from?

Have you ever been in that space with some one? I am really trying to figure out…where did he come from? Seriously, where has he been?

We live so close to each other. And I've never seen him. He works on the same street that I live on and I've never met him.

It must’ve been in God’s plan that we met when we did.
I know that later on down the line my opinion of him may change but God knows that I don’t want it to.

3/16 Mr. Wonderful had a Union meeting to go to and it was canceled so he was off of work so he came to my job to have lunch with me at this Mexican food restaurant. As I sat across from him I realized he’s beautiful. That little gap in his teeth, his non-pierced ears, his perfectly structured abs, his creamy brown skin, even those “Chinese-y” (I just made that up…I usually say ‘Chiney’…but I figured no one would now what I was talking about) eyes. Sigh. I have the biggest smile now.

3/18 He came by and we watched “The 40 year old Virgin”. He’d never seen it, he thought it was going to be stupid. Like stupid, stupid. But he ended up liking it. He finally kissed me this day. I mean really kissed me. Some good ole good-good kissing.

Last night Mr. Wonderful came by and we watched this (2001) Katt Williams DVD I brought “Let a playa Play”. That fool has no sense. He had me laughing so hard….please go pick it up, they have it at Target for 12.99- support this. The funniest mess is at the end when he did a whole skit on “bitch niggas”. Katt Williams is a true fool.

Mr. Wonderful and I laughed our asses off. We watched the news and laughed about that and contemplated why the hell does Byron Allen have a show. He didn’t want to leave and I didn’t want him to go, so we just keep finding more and more things to watch. I finally ended up falling asleep on his chest with his hands caressing my weave.

We woke up this morning on my couch to the sound on MY singing her “good morning” song (to her self in the mirror while she danced). I never let my daughter meet the guys I date so he had to rush off, while I sought to her needs. Just as he was leaving I poked my head out the door and with a scrunched up tussled head of hair said “have a good day” he came back and kissed my cheek with those sweet lips and smiled. Then he says “you’re unbelievable”. Sigh…..

What I love so much about him is that he wants to spend time with me. Not that most men have trouble spending time, he’s just like programmed different. I don’t have to ask him to do stuff. I don’t have to fit into his life. I mean we don’t have to go through this dance of deciding what to move around in our schedules, Jenny time is already scheduled in.
We haven’t humped yet. Now he shows me affection but we just haven’t humped. It’s good thing because I think we’d both be even more addicted to each other. We text message, email and talk on the phone. Sex would prolly put us over the edge.

Im fina be 26 in 5 weeks and 6 days yall. Watch out now….Cause I might hurt em with this birthday. Just kidding. I ain’t got no plans yet. Mr. Wonderful and I might go down to San Diego to Sea World. But I think he wants to do that like the second weekend in April. We’ll see.

Peace be unto you.

I'm infatuated.

but isn't that just the story of my life? in love one day, out of love the next? well i'm going to unabashedly express the fact that i have met a great guy.

someone that made me turn down a call from catchacase aka the head master aka superhead. i turned it down and didn't feel a thing about it.

friday, was the twins (ambo and sony studios) birthday they went to the comedy club the truth is they get on my nerves from time to time and i just didn't feel like being bothered instead i went with mr.wonderful to the movies and to dinner he was so sweet. he gave me the cutest little kiss. it was lovely.

earlier in the week he and i went to the beach (redondo pier) and walked around a bit. he's nice guy. in the mist of all the craziness. sigh. i just want to enjoy this momment before i find out all the bad stuff. before his history refocuses my rose colored glasses.

the strangest thing happened friday. ricrocc e-mailed me and asked me if i knew roo. if you ain't been following my blog you don't know how crazy that is. my ex e-mailing me to ask me if i knew my other ex. it was so bizarre! i didn't lie, i wrote him back and said i knew him but that i hadn't talked to him in almost 2 years, i asked him why? and he never wrote me back. strange huh?

my ex's are having meetings on me. wouldn't that be funny? powerpoint presentations and shit? swapping stories about me. a little scary if you ask me.

well not much has been up with the j-ster. i've been working and schooling it up. i did see an apartment that i really liked yesterday hopefully everything will work out. its a two bedroom and lord knows i need a two bedroom.

that's really it not much else to report....
*new york told me the most boring story about a coach at the gym...i can't even remember what day it was. i haven't talked to him since.
*chunks hasn't called me and i haven't called him. we were supposed to go to the movies a few weeks back but when he called i let the answering machine get it.