this woman's work...

today MY was in the fourth grade science fair. i had to work so i couldn't go but she did awesome.... she didn't win but she has wonderful sportsmanship and she got a trophy, which is always nice. i hate being a working mom....missing out on important events like this kills me! will my kid grow up wishing her mom was there to support her more...am i doing enough...those are questions EVERY working mom beats the shit out of their self with.... but i know I do a lot... i just hope i;m not missing anything. my plans for the weekend.... 1. cheerleading practice- 2. my little cousins champagne party 3. church 4. date night with MY (a gift for getting to the science fair)

awe shawty....

Ok so yeah... i don't know what I'm going to do. Everyday....I go back in forth.... I love him. I love him not. Maybe I'm depressed? Maybe I'm bipolar? Maybe I got mental issues? But even the fact that I'm questioning means that I should make a change right? Well let me shut up ....no one wants to read this...

"Love was the former owner, but quiet is renting our house"

i really cant say why i stay. there is absolutely no reason. i think i am afraid to be alone. theres always that fear of "what if..." thinking about what "people" will say. having to answer questions. having to delete pictures. starting over. explaining to MY. the thing is I know if I don't do it now. i will be stuck. I am so unhappy. and I don't remember when i stopped being happy. so much stress on my shoulders. how is it that i am in a relationship and yet so alone. it wasn't always like this....I promise. but there has always been an undertone of selfishness on his part. he's very selfish. very immature. very unaware. i love him. but he sucks my energy. he drains my energy. the part of me that me me JANE is gone. I don't know where she went. I don't know how to get her back. i miss her soooooo much. I really really LOVED her. she was my bestfriend. and now she's gone. She didn't even leave me a note or a letter or a text message. "And her name is me And she loves me more than you'll ever know And I finally see that Loving you and loving me just don't seem to work at all So patiently She's waiting on me to tell you that she needs love And to choose between you two Boy you know if I have to choose I choose me" -Tamia "Me"

lost.

So I am contemplating leaving my relationship.

I do this almost every month were I weigh back and forth with myself whether I should stay or go or what. And today…well this weekend, I once again come to the conclusion that this man is crazy…. And he’s driving me crazy.

Over the years we’ve been together he has said some really fucked up things to me. He just says whatever the hell he feels and thinks there is no repercussion for it. He has done some things that are seriously fucked up and thinks there is no repercussion for it.

I’ve done some things and said some things to him as well.

I think we are really beginning to resent each other.


This weekend he didn’t talk to me for three days…. Because I was taking a shower and he barged into the bathroom… and I got an attitude… so of course I become the bitch.

The real deal is I think he wanted to go with his friends on Saturday so he chose to pick a fight with me so that he didn’t have to follow through with our plans of a “date night”.

Sunday night it all came to a head….of course I had to be the one to confront him on his behavior. We get into it… not arguing but the back and forth as usual and then he says…. And I am very serious.

That I have been recording him in the house while I go to work.

No lie.

Now here’s the truth.

I DO in fact own a recording device. I purchased it May of 2011. My boss had become extremely verbally abusive to the employees…so my mother advised that I buy a recorder, to record her assaults; I ordered it online through Amazon.com, it’s this then remote control looking thing that has a big button to record/stop, a play button and a two buttons…. I never actually had to record anything …since the boss and I had a big heart to heart (read: a BIG argument) and since then things have been much better. The recording device is in my bedside dresser.

#1. I have not recorded him during the day. Why? What would be my reason? What would I benefit? When would I have the time to listen to his day long activities? Why would I keep the recording? (well according to him “recordings”)….also it is possible to quite easily hit record …being that it is in my drawer….but I didn’t even know there were recordings on it.

#2. What the hell is he doing in my bedside dresser? Why is he snooping through my shit?

#3. I’m pretty sure it doesn’t even have batteries in it… and if it does… how could they be working?




This is not the first time that I have caught him going through my things…. It really irritates me, mainly because I don’t go through his shit! EVER! And I’m mean like ever!

I need to run far far away from this.

So Stupid...

I just accidentally deleted all the blogs I was following...if PLEASE leave me your new addresses!!!! I HAVE to have them!

My big Scarey Dream....

So last night I dreamt that I was at a rodeo.

I was walking through the animal stalls with an animal trainer. She was teaching me how to care for the animals. We came to the buffalo (Why was there a buffalo, I don’t know).

She gave me a toy to stick into the Buffalo’s cage and tease it with. The buffalo for some reason acted very much like a dog. It barked and jumped and moved as if it were a small puppy…. but it was the size of a ginormous buffalo.

After playing with the animal. The trainer suggested we let it out. I begged her not to. She let it out anyway. For some reason the buffalo was sexually attracted to me and began chasing me around the rodeo.

I was so terrified! I ran and cried...

Finally she got the buffalo to chill out and stay still.

We left the buffalo’s cage and went down a dark corridor. When came out to a large clearing.

In that clearing were goats that have beaks…. Weird right…?!

Well immediately they began chasing me… I had my hands over my butt so that they wouldn’t peck my butt. But instead they bit my fingers…not off but just had them in their mouthes chewing on them….

I woke myself up.

So I looked up the meaning of my dream and I am terrified!!!!

Rodeo: suggests that you need to take control of your animalistic forces and primal urges

Buffalo: The dream may also warn that you are deviating from your life path and goals

Goat: represents your lack of judgment and your gullibility

Bitten: represents your vulnerability regarding some unresolved issues or emotions. You may be pestered by a problem or obstacle. The dream may also be a metaphor indicating that you have bitten off more than you chew. Perhaps you have too much to handle.

Fingers: To dream that your fingers are injured or have been chopped off, denote your anxieties about your ability to accomplish some demanding task or perform in some waking situation

I am so tired...

So we’ve been together for three years.
Living together for about a year and a half….
Waking up next to each other.
Coming home to each other each day.

And just this morning…. I realized that he is not who he says he is.

He says his favorite color is brown….but I’ve never once seen him wear it or pick the color out anywhere.
He says his favorite Brand is Polo and yet he does not own a stitch of Polo.
He says he’s not shy and speaks his mind….and yet anytime we’re around people he doesn’t know he acts like a turtle.
He says he’s a “manly” man and yet I am the one with the hammer and screw driver hammering and nailing and replacing things and hauling and painting and doing EVERY DAMN THING.
He says he’s a hard worker and yet I have not one time in three years seen him work hard, on anything….not even our relationship.

I know some of these are petty. But I swear all together they are pushing me to an edge and I am about to jump. And by jump I mean break up with him. And by Break up with him I mean put him out of my house. And by put him out of my house I mean full scale “Waiting to exhale” Standing in the drive way smoking a cigarette…..

I attract a certain type of guy. And I thought he was not this guy. I though he was different….. I thought my pattern had been broken and I realize it has not been. I’ve been hoodwinked. Or maybe I am the cause. Maybe something about me says…please use me. Please get with me and then turn into a lazy slug….

The same damn shit all over again and it took me, this damn long, to fucken realize it.

This is my pattern: Working lose job, loose focus, become a slug…. Look at Janelle like she the one that has changed.

See, I can take care of my daughter and me. I got that all day, everyday. I can support she and I…. I do the best I can, work the hardest I can to make sure she and I are covered. I don’t need him to do that. I got that…..but here’s the thing…..if he’s supposed to be my MAN …. Why doesn’t he feel the need to help me with that?

I am soooo tired of waking up and his ass is fucken sleep. I leave the house and he’s still fucken sleep.
I come home and he’s in the bedroom in his underwear watching TV in a bad mood.

Now I can respect, you’re a man and you’re going through a slight depression because of the situation that you’re in… I get that. I understand that…. But what frustrates me is the lack of motivation… the lack of hustle….

As a matter fact….Where is your hustle? Did you leave it somewhere? SHIT find it… put it in your fucken pocket and get back on your grind.

I swear his lack of hustle is pushing me….
It’s unattractive…
It’s fucken ugly…

And I don’t think I can take it anymore.

I love this man. “From his hair follicle to his toe nails…love him in each and every way imaginable” but he is become so unattractive (not physically…cause I still think hes’ FIZINE) to me that I’m not sure …I want this anymore.

I feel cheated. Cheated out of a healthy relationship. Cheated out of an ADULT relationship. Instead I feel like his mom. … like I have a 30 year old son and I myself am 29.

I feel old , I’m getting fat (because I feel too tired to work out), my face is chubby and I’m becoming a hippopotamus again….. and I am just tired.

So very very tired. Too tired for my own good.

the ruler's back.

About a year ago I was telling myself that I will prolly never find someone that I loved.
Really loved. Someone that I had a serious one on one connection with.
Now that I feel this way...there's so many other worries that I have.

Never, do I feel the possiblity of infedility (is that the proper spelling?) from him or even that he will let me down...

but what if I let him down?

I'm so complicated...you know that song by Robin Thicke?

sigh...

just my thoughts, man just my thoughts.

fortunately...unfortunately.

fortunately, i am completely legal. i have a driver's license and car insurance.
unfortunately, i still don't have my car.

fortunately, i have great friends like kinkos who came to get me take me to my other home girls birthday party at this kareokee bar on friday night (gees that was SOOOO fun...)
unfortunately, i got so drunk that i was throwing up alll saturday morning.

fortunately, kinkos spent the night, so she took me to the rental car place in the morning of saturday.
unfortunately, the first rental car place (the cheapest) would not let me rent a car because I didn't have a major credit card, only a debit card...bollocks!

fortunately, kinkos took me to the dollar car rental and i got a car there.
unfortunately, it was $20 more per week.

fortunately, i was able to go get some food and a few christmas items
unfortunately, i was lazy and didn't get my christmas tree yesterday and today it's raining.

fortunately, i convinced vh1 to go with me to my families christmas party on saturday.
unfortunately, they're all crazy so they may run him off! lol

fortunately, i found the cutest red dress EVERY to wear to my christmas parties this year (yeah ....I just wear the same dress to all...since they're with completely different people!!!)
unfortunately, I haven't found anything for my daughter to wear yet.

fortunately, i have a great guy who loves me, a daughter who is an awesome super star in training, a huge apartment with a garage, a family that has thier own issues...but knows how to pull it together when things are tough, a job that pays the bills and leaves me with money left over to save, i have great health....in the middle of my madness... there is a little peace and silence to help me maintain my sanity....praise God for that.

Bollocks!!!!

A lot of stuff has been going on. So much that I have completely neglected my blog.

my daughter turned 6. i threw her a birthday party. jumper with a slide, cupcakes, gifts and subway sandwiches.

My's actual birthday is dec 1 so, I took cupcakes and punch to her classroom. i took her out to lunch to the resturant friday's. they sang to her. her dad's girlfriend works there so she brought her a giant sundae. my mom put $60 in my account to take her to get her toes and fingers done. we went together and got mani's and pedi's. she felt like a princess. i was glad.

tuesday dec2, i went to get some jack in the box for lunch.... i had a craving for a burger. i turned legally from the jack in the box and was pulled over. i was surprised...why was he pulling me over? he said i turned across the double yellow lines...i explained that i hadn't and that he was mistaken. he walked back to where i'd turned from and said...you're right. you did turn properly. he then asked for my license , registration and insurance. why? because he's a sheriff... and that's how they roll. sadly, i only had 1 out of the 3 things he asked for. i didn't admit to anything. pretended like i had no idea that my license was suspended. he asked me to get out the car, leave my belongings there and to get into the back of his car. i wanted to cry. i could have if i would have let myself stay in my body....i left my self and pretended that i was somewhere else. i got into the back of the police car(my insides were shaking...) he said I had a warrant for my arrest and that he could take me to jail. ....I sighed. he said he wouldn't take me to jail. but he would impound my car with a 30 day hold (in cali, if you're driving without a license they impound you for 30 days.)..... he left me there standing and had my car towed away....I was on the phone wit vh1 crying big time as my car passed me by.

so i don't have a car until January 1st.
i have to humble myslef and be kind to my co-workers that i normally can't stand....they offered to give me rides to and from work. it's so hard having to accept something that you need from people that normally treat you like shit.

vh1 just sold his car, like two weeks ago. so we're both out of luck. he wanted to get rid of the gangsta burgandy with gold trim Cutlass and buy a grown up car...lol....damn I wish he would've kept the Cutlass one more month!

He offered to rent me a car for a couple of weeks. i think i will end up doing that for the last few weeks of the month.

i surrendered myself on friday december 5th to the LA superiour Court. I plead guilty for my failure to appear in court. and the judge sentenced me to pay $1451 total for failing to appear, driving with out a license and without inurance. that was just for my case in 2004. i still have to go to court on two other tickets from 2006 and 2005. plus another date for getting pulled over on the 2nd....so sad. but at least i'm getting it taken care of.

i left there and went to inglewood court house...i set up a date for my ticket there and i got an abstract. then i went to the inglewood dmv and paid $55 to have my license reinstated.

so i have a license....but I don't have my damn car.



*****************************$$*********
on other news....
vh1 and i had an "accident" the other day. not a car accident....an oops... there's a baby inside your body...type of an accident. we are EXTREMELY cautious. I mean extremely extremely cautious. i take bcp and we always use condoms. I haven't gotten a refill in two weeks....and we had an "accident"on Friday. nothing like hearing latex pop to kill the mood...right?! gees....louise when things go crazy for me they really go crazy. so we brought some plan b (actually it's covered by my health insurance)... i took it saturday. that crap made me vomit excessively. how the hell is that suposed to prevent pregnancy? any hoo....so yall pray i ain't telling you about my missing period in about two months.

vh1 and i talked about possibly maybe having a slight possiblity of maybe sorta kinda moving in together.... it's only been 8 months...so we're just talking about it.... we exchanged keys... ..that was scarey enough. but having him there everyday would be great. seeing his face when i wake up in the morning....sigh..... and having someone to share this $1100 rent with ...would be fanstisc-o! we're just in the discussing it phase...

what else...oh my mom's doing good. her surgery went well. they wont be able to come to Cali until January...we're all susposed to go on a family vacation. Whoho! My step dad is thinking Cancun or somewhere like that... like a cruise.

I've only brought one item for christmas so far. maybe i'll get someone to give me a ride next week. or I'll hop on the bus... i freaking hate the bus.

my aunt is suposed to take me to get a tree so that'll help usher in the christmas feeling...wont it?

my stomach is still upset.... from the damn plan b....i swear this shit is making me yak up the lining of my stomach....NEVER AGAIN!

my hair looks AWESOME today.

ok that's enough....love ya!

Black out

Ok so I am an adult and I spend my entire day being a grown up doing grown up crap...so when i go home i like to watch the most ridiculous televison programing that i can. case in point:

- I watched the most hilarious episode of southpark last night...i don't know if it was new or old or what but vh1 and i laugh.... It had a character named Mr. Quermo and he was slapping every body.... oh it was so hilarious....I'm laughing right now.

-i am addicted to the dumbness that is "real chance at love". the women cry every 5 seconds. the boys are crazy, both of them... clearly they are a mess! ... what, please tell me, is going with the so called "brother"? he's like a black fairy prince or something!

- the nonesense that is the housewives of the atl... or what ever it's called....drama drama drama. i promise it's like junior high school.

-my other favorites are snapped, forensic files, anything on hgtv and tlc

my little peice of american history.

studios called me around 4 in the afternoon, to tell me to come over after work for wine and to watch the results of the election come in. i told her i'd be by around 630.

afterwork, i went to my fathers to pick up my daughter. he and his family (his wife and stepdaughter) were gathered around thier flat screen in the living room, drinking cocoa out of mugs with tiny floating marshmellows on top, bundled up in blankets on thier beige colored leather sofas. i flashed a big smile at the number 103....He's winning, I thought.

once i got to studos she and t2 were pacing the livingroom waiting for results. i couldn't hide my excitement at the number 207.

t2 asked us to go get pizza while he watched the kids.

we stopped to get our free starbucks and ran into a jabber jawed possible crackhead former classmate that held us up for about 10 minutes. we continuted on to get pizza.

studios and i stood in line at the $5 dollar pizza place, when my cellphone rang. it was vh1.
"babe! it's happening. your boy he did it!"
"What do you mean?! What's the numbers?!"
"he's at 297.."
"What...what's the number..."
"babe...it's 297"
"what?!"
"I'm telling you, I'm watching election central...297!"

I tell studios, "he's at 297!"

A Hispanic customer came into the pizza place and said "Obama is our new president!!" His eyes were red.

Studios yells out, "Oh my GOD!" Her eyes filled with tears.
She ran outside the $5 pizza place and screamed! She jumped up and down screaming...tears running down her cheeks.

People driving down La Brea Ave started blowing thier car horns and waving their arms out the car windows, people were yelling. the little kids in a car next to ours began yelling "OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA!"

it wasn't real.

tears just ran down my cheeks. id hung up on vh1 by mistake with all the excitement.
my sister called.... "Jane. It's like I really have hope. Like real hope..." Tears continuted.
my mother called whispering "Jane...I am so excited...I'm not finishing counting ballots...we can't be biased in the elections office...but I had to call you and let you know how happy I am!" more tears.

vh1 called again "where areyou?!!!"
"getting pizza still."
"call me when you get home..."

studios and i grab the pizza and hop in the car. we take the long way home wanting to see the faces of folks. people were legitmately happy. horns blowing jummping arms waving.

we got back to studios apartment, t2 was sitting in "his chair" staring at the tv. he didn't even really acknowledge us when we walked in. "this isn't real" he says finally.

studios and I turn on Michael Basdin and begin dancing and screaming out from her terrace.

vh1 comes by. He grabs me and kisses me. we swear it's new years eve. he tells me "i had to be with you. i had to spend this momment with you. that way forever when we think about this momment we'll think about each other." more tears.

vh1 and t2 went out on the terrace. they had guy things to discuss. studios and i could tell by the looks on their faces this was something big to them. they both looked blown away. this was t2's first election he actually participated in. he told me he felt proud to be an american. more tears.

this is a beautiful momment for americans. not black americans, american people.

we are living in historical momment. not just reading about it.... folks are motivated. ready to do shit. ready to sign up for a new american experience . ready to actually be apart of it.

It ain't gon change tommorrow. he's not "super obama" but i really believe he is a move in the direction of "super america"

did you know?

* that when barak is elected president, there will not be any other black members in the senate.

* women have only had the right to vote since 1920 (88 years)

* blacks have official been able to vote since 1965 (43 years)

*John McCain's great grandfather actually owned a plantation full of slaves and kept them on as sharecroppers even after the civil war

Finally plugged in

Yesterday evening, I sat on the bottom bunk of my 15 year old nephew's bunk beds, filled up with tears. Completely unfocused on the discomfort that the old flattened out mattress was causing me.

My step mother stood leaning on the bunk bed behind me. Unconcerned with her bad knee.

My nephew laid across the top bunk bed a flat pillow balled up underneath his head.

The TV was on and blasting.

In the other room my brother in law sat on the edge of the bed, his arms crossed he was focused.

In the Livingroom the children (about 6 of them ranging in age from 4 to 13) sat legs crossed on the floor half way paying attention the TV.

My big sis, and her two friends sat on the beige leather couch, sharing their opinions and discussing topics they've never dared to care about. My sisters dad sat in his wheelchair near the door (in brand new grey Jordan's) crying. Unable to control his emothions since his stroke 3 years ago.

We all sat. FINALLY tooned in. FINALLY paying attention. FINALLY caring. FINALLY intrested.

Last night marked what I will account as one of the most important momments of our life time; an African American man accepting nomination for the presidency of the United States.

15 Things you may not have known About my homegirl Michelle Obama

stolen from the Washington Post

Sun Aug 24, 11:49 PM ET
1 As a child, she loved girlie stuff like her Easy Bake Oven and Barbie (she had the car and the house, too).

2When it comes to television, she's a fan of Sex in the City, The Sopranos and HGTV.

3 Her favorite author: Toni Morrison

4 Her father, Fraser Robinson, a former boxer, suffered from multiple sclerosis from age 30. He was a Democratic precinct captain and worked at the city water filtration plant in Chicago. Although he met and liked Barack, he died in 1991, a year before the Obamas were married.

5 As a kid, she alternated days doing dish-washing duty with her big brother, Craig. It was also her job to clean the bathroom every Saturday.

6 She skipped second grade.

7She attended Whitney Young, Chicago's first magnet high school, where she was student council treasurer, a member of the National Honor Society and a four-year honor roll student.

8 She's a 1985 cum laude graduate of Princeton University, where she shared a room with three other women and had to walk down three flights of stairs to get to the bathroom.

9 She graduated from Harvard Law School in 1988 and was hired by the blue chip law firm Sidley & Austin in Chicago, where she specialized in marketing and intellectual property law. She was picked to be the adviser to a summer associate, Barack Obama.

10 She doesn't wear pantyhose because they always rip; she says it's difficult to find ones that fit her 5-foot-11 frame.

11 The Rev. Jesse Jackson's daughter, Santita, sang at her wedding. They're childhood friends.

12 As a newlywed, she gave up corporate law and took a huge pay cut to open the Chicago office of Public Allies, part of former President Clinton's AmeriCorps, which helped young people to enter public service work.

13 She sits on six boards, including the University of Chicago Laboratory Schools, which her daughters, Sasha and Malia, attend.

14 In a job interview with University of Chicago Hospitals, she brought along baby daughter Sasha (now 7) because she couldn't find a baby sitter. She got the job.

15 She likes predawn workouts and held outdoor jump-rope clinics at her house for her daughter's ballet class.

SOURCES: Chicago Sun-Times, Newsweek,
The Washington Post

Lesson # 456: Respect your elders.

Friday.
I got my toes done. This beautiful color called Ecentric Orange. It is so beautiful on my chocolate skin. I want to wear it everyday! I got a cute little design...Oh how I love them.

My little cousin Nu, called and asked to ride with me to the family function. I told her, sure. She drove to my house and left her car there.

We ventured out to the beach. The beach of couse was CRACKIN! We had to park like 8 million blocks away and the park next to the beach looked like a mini city. Tents and folks EVERYWHERE. you could barely walk with out steppin on folks.

We somehow found my uncle and his tent and our spot. Pulled out the Dominoes and cards and radio, drank some wine and dark liquor, laughed it out with my family. Then I ate some of the best damn BBQ ever. Oh, what a lazy day. At 9, the city of Redondo did fireworks over the wonderful midnight sky. It lightweight made me want to cry.

Friday Night.
Nu and I needed to shake our booties; so we headed out to this pretty well known hole in the wall bar in Long Beach. We were standing there in line and this hispanic woman with two little boys came walking up. she was crying and looking terrified. Standing there just shaking. Her boyfriend or abuser or whatever, walks up and starts yelling at her in Spanish. the oldest...or tallest of her little boys, stuck out his chest and got real buck with homeboy, yelled "get off my mom!" and shoves the mess out of him. The man then socks the shit out of the lady! Right in her face! blood flew from her mouth and she screamed like her jaw was broke. She fell to the ground. The security from the club all jump up and cover him, socking him beating the shit out of him. Then one of the security gaurds starts going off. Cussing and yelling and screaming at his fellow security gaurds telling them they need to stay out of that man (the man on the grown moaning cause he just got and old fashion beatdown) business. I mean seriously angry, like he himself was an abuser. It was really sad. The security gaurd was so angry at the others that helped her that he got in his car and left.

Once inside the club, I grabbed a drink (French connection...of course) and had a seat with Nu at these little stools they have set up.

This man, about 40 sees me sitting and makes mention of my pretty toes. I smile and keep it pushin. Not my type. Not intrested in old drunk men. He comes over to us. Talking acting like we old friends. I roll my eyes try not to make nice. Not my type. Not intrested in men who can't stand up straight. He goes on and on about his job where he's "in the union" and makes $23 dollars and hour" WHO HOOO!...Not my type. Not intrested in a man who lies about his income. Nu (23 years old), maintains conversation with the man.

I know what this is leading to; so I try to avoid it. I'm a old playa. I know this man ain't shit or bout shit. I'm not excepting shit from him, no water, no drink, no company, nothing. not intrested, keep it pusshin.

Little cus, likes the attention, trying to get something for nuthin. What all these young girls I see out there are about. Trying to get drinks. Trying to get money...fuck that! Always, tell my little cousins, have yourself. Have $ for your own drinks. That way if a nigga you don't like offers you can always say no. Oh, how I wish they'd lean there's no such thing as something for nothing.

I know this man is trouble and I don't need trouble right now. He lets me know his name is Greg. I squint eyes at Greg he rubs his hand down my back. I say "don't touch me." As politely as a comment like that can be said; but I knew later there'd be trouble.

I tried to give little cus the signal, but she was loving that attention. Drinking and feeding on that attention. Greg, would not leave. He tried to scoop Jane up all night. Jane is not intrested. Greg could care less. He stood near us the whole night.

Supercutie enters the bar. He's with a chic that was somebody's jumpoff. I couldn't tell if it was supercutie's or his boy in the orange shirt. I met eyes with him and smiled. let him know i saw him. it took him all night, but he came over. We met eyes and talked with them for a minute. Finally, he asked was I here with anyone. I say no.

Greg jumps in between Supercutie and I and says "Me." I say "No, I'm here with my cousin Nu. that's it" Greg says, "naw baby, you here with me." and grabs my hand. Jane's first reaction is fire first. but I caught my self. I said "get the fuck off me. you don't know me nigga." he says "my bad, I'm sorry my bad." He walks away. I'm still tense. Wanna fuck Greg up now. My anger is building. Super cutie rubs my arm and feeds me some awesome game. Somebody's jumpoff, the girl, that was in his crew was burning a hole in the back of his neck.
Greg comes over to me several times. Rubbing my back. Trying to continue talking to me.

Finally, my anger explodes! I start cussing this man out like I knew him. I tell him to leave me the fuck alone. Get away from me. Stop touching me. The security swarm me. As I yeild my drink glass at this man, ready to bust him in the face. I yell obsence obsenities at him. pissed off. If I could turn red I would've been red. My head hurt from my lack of oxygen from yelling so long. The security walk greg out to the smokin area. Where Nu, had been all this time.

I stand there being comforted by supercutie. being eyeballed by somebody's jumpoff. I calm down. When the Dj plays a hot ass Red Rat song (reggae) and I keep an eye out for Nu. Making sure that Greg isn't saying shit to her.

She comes inside and she and I laugh about somebody's jump off. I don't get a chance to entirely explain what happened with greg. As he comes over and is buzzin in my ear again. I yell "get the fuck away from me" Lil cuz, looks at me like I'm trippin.

I'm ready to go. I pick up my shit. Supercutie walks me to the door. drunk greg close behind and Little cuz next to him. I frown at little cuz. but wait till I'm out side to address my concern.
I pull her collar and say "yo, homeboy is trippin.. Why you letting him follow you? he is crazy. stay away from him." Lil cuz says "Well, when we were outside he told me that you told him you'd give him a ride home. He lives around the corner."

I say "WhAT! I ain't giving nobody no ride. No where. Especially not no niga. Fuck that shit. How he get here? He a grown ass man! He can get a ride. Fuck that no."

She says" well he think he getting a ride. can't we just give him one? Don't be like that. He's ok."

I say" hell no! we don't know him. Fuck him. "

She says "Don't be a bitch Jane."

I say "What did you just say to me?" And give her the look. That ok. you've gone to far look.

She looks at me like she's a little nervous and I look at her like if she says another word I'll slap the shit out of her ass. I would have too if she would've said something eles. She didn't. she was quiet the whole ride back to my house. I told her to call me when she got home.

She didn't. I called her in the morning and she apologized for her disrespect.

When well these young girls ever learn?

My favorite color is pink and I want to be buried in the ground.

Last night I was busy writing a post about love. (I will indeed post it soon), i was interruppted from doing my post by a loud knock at my door. i go to the door (it's about 10pm) afraid that it was the crackhead I'd encountered the other day) I yell "who is it!" in my ghetto girl voice, hoping to sound like i didn't take no mess. The person on the other side yells back to me "E!"

my heart sank into my stomach. what was he doing at my house unannounced? in the middle of the night? I cracked the wooden door caustiously and kept the bar door shut. I said "what are you doing here?" He says "I miss you Jane. I'm sorry, really. I just need to talk to you."

Fear struck. Was he going to shoot me and then kill hisself? the way the man did at the McDonald's accross the street from my job last week?

I say "that doesn't explain why you just came over?" He says "I called you. you weren't answering. I texted you, you didn't respond. Then my screen on my cell phone broke and I couldn't look up your numbers. I missed you Jane. really. and I didn't want to go another day not speaking to you."

I prayed "God see me."

He says "can I come in?" I still have such a sweet spot for him. Looking back I should've slammed the door and called them people on him. but I didn't. I opened the door.

He sat on my couch. I sat across from him on the love seat.

For almost thirty minutes, I listened to him pour his heart out. I mean on some true dramatic shit.

Now, he's always been dramatic. so that wasn't outta character. He went on with lines like:

"I dont' want to be no where else. I don't want to not be here. I want to be with you. I want to share my life with you. When I'm not here I'm only half of me"

"I couldn't imagine you with another guy. I'm your man. I'm gon always be your man"

"Jane for real, I need you and MY. You'll are my girls. For real. I think about you two every morning when I wake up. I pray for you two everynight before I got to sleep."

"I've never been the kinda person that thought alot about what I wanted in the future. I jut figured whatever happens happens. But when I met you, you gave me hope. Hope for things that I never thought about having. With out you....what do I do?"

I say to him, "E you're a great person. I care about you. I think that you are wonderful but I don't want to be iwth you like that." He looked at me like he was about to cry. His voice got all weak like, he was holding back tears. I think to myself "Oh my God, please don't let him cry."

He says "I know that I messed up. I am human and I am sorry that I was the way that I was with you. You deserve better than that." Then he grabs my hand and was like squeezing my fingers.

I say "E, life isn't that way. You can't just put people on hold until you're ready. that's not how life or love works. I don't feel like that anymore."

He says "so you're done with me?" He stands up puts his hat on...looking like T.I.'s tall little brother.

I say "Yeah. I guess so. E."

He scrunches his face and sniffs back tears and says "I've never felt nothing like this. This shit hurts. likeit's painful. Like my insides hurt. I hurt"
He walks over to me. And wraps his arms around me. "Iloveyoujane. I would never intentionally do anything to disrespect you or hurt you. you know that right?"

I shake my head. His arms still wrapped around me. My insides shaking.

He continues, "and if you honestly don't want to see me anymore. I will leave you alone. "

I think to myself "damn he's so dramatic."

He

CRAZY!!!!!!!

So at the start of the year I went online to the Los Angeles County Superior Court website and put in an inquiry as to how could I go about fixing the five tickets on my record....

A lawyer responded to me and the price he quoted me was pretty steep. The total cost of his services would run me about $4000 plus the cost of the tickets. I asked around to a couple other lawyers and found that some of the services he offered I could do for myself for free. I also signed up for a legal aid clinic through the mayor's office that handles all the services he spoke of for a fee of about $250. Needless to say, i declined his offer.

Today, I recieve an email from him asking if I had reconsidered his offer.

I responded and I will quote myself exactly "What were you planning on charging me for this again?"

He wrote back to me and I will quote him exactly as well

"Are you smoking crack?You have never paid me a single cent. If you think you did, I recommend going to the doctor. If you have proof you paid me for something, please immediately send it to me via fax at 310 861 XXXX. Maybe I am wrong????Otherwise, I will just assume you are another crackhead."



Ok, so am I crazy? or What the fuck is going on?

pinky swear.

I've never been that girl that when she;s dating someone she neglects her friends.
Recently, I've become her.

I rescheduled my plans to take pics with flatrandy, in order to eat dinner with vh1 at an italian resturant where they sing "That's Amore!" and kiss your cheeks on the beach.

I then ditched my rescheduled plans to go to church with vh1 sunday morning.

my friends, i do have some pics to post but I will wait and post all before the end of the week...hold up your pinky so we can shake on it....ok....there.

this post is inspired by nina sharing her suicide story.

i have thought of suicide, but never attempted it. i read an article prior to reading nina's post I read this article that said the rate of suicide is higher in african american youths than any other racial group. are we really feeling like there's nothing to live for? is this life this hard to live up to? are we as a people failing to teach our young people the ability to "cope"? i thought that's what we did, i thought black people survived reached out of the mud and held on to anything we possibly could to pull our selves up out of this damn rut that we're in! we made it across the atlantic, through slavery, through beign 4/5ths human, through being beaten and water hosed, being sent to war to defend a country that doesn't love us, through pain and agony and now you're telling me that we can't cope with the age of bling bling? are we serious? wtf?



well here's my experience with suicide:
i was 15 and 1/2 years old. it was the day before i had planned to re-take my driver's license test. i had taken the test before and failed. i still believe the examiner was simply biased of my age; she said i was "driving too slow and tailgating"; how can you do both? anyways, i could feel the determination in me building. i was ready.


i went to sleep early. laid my clothes out. set my alarm clock. called the bank to make sure the $750 i had saved, to go towards half of the cost of my own car, was still there. i inhaled deep covered in fresh pajamas and clean sheets and exhaled into a deep sleep filled with excitement.



i was awaken about four hours later by mother. she was nose to nose to me. she'd waken me up so many times in my life this way that this time didn't even startle me."Jane get up!"

my eyes hazed with the happiness of the freedom a driver's license would give me. "Wake up Jane." What does she want now? I thought, knowing she was good for waking me up to tell me about her "awful" dream or a "preminition" she had or to make a get-a-away or make me wash dishes or whatever.



Doesn't she know I have things to do in the morning? I had paid for the driving instructor to meet me at the DMV at 7am so that I could use thier car to test. Just so that I didn't have to depend on anyone.



"Jane."

"Yes." I hissed with an intentional attitude.

"Call 911."

"What?" I gave her the wtf-look.

She grabbed my arm and brought me into her room. I sat down on the bed. eyes still closed.



"V- just called. You need to call 911" She seemed nervous, but who knew how true it was. V- was the name of my sister's bestfriend. My sister had just broken up with her first son's father. the two of them had been childhood sweethearts. my sister and i weren't really close then so i had no idea of what she was going through. "Bigsis tried to commit suicide. You got to call 911" the trembling woman continued.



"why me?" I frowned. my belly begin to bubble. i leaned over and frowned from the pain, my usual sign of impending stress.

"Just CALL!" she yelled handing me the phone. my hands whobbled partly from the pain partly from the the fact that this frantic woman could be telling the truth, my older sister could have commited suicide.

I dialed the numbers. 9-1-1. "911, what's your emergency?"

"Um, I want to report that someone mayhave commited suicide."
"Oh, you mean Bigsis? I've been on the phone with her for awhile." How amazing that this operator was the sameone that my sister had been pouring her soul out on the phone to for the last two hours...how odd i found it... how many operators were there working? I mean this is Los Angeles and this is the middle of the night!
I say "really?"
She replies "yes, would you like the information on where we're sending her?"
15 year old me " sending her?"
The frantic woman that had been pacing the room while I had this overly adult conversation with a 911 operator, snatched the phone from me "yes, we'd like to know where you're taking her.'

My mother dressed and pulled her hair back into a ponytail. She begged me to come with her. I stubbornly and selfishly refused. I rewrapped my hair got back into my bed and decided to block the event from my intentional focus 'getting my license so i could get the hell away from here'.

That morning, my mother wasn't home, when I woke up. I didn't call my sister's cellphone. I caught the bus to the DMV. I passed the test. Feel in teenagelove with the instructor who gave me my test...he was fine.... hummph.

I was excited! I jumped up and down. There was no one there to celebrate with me. That was usual, so I wasn't upset. I went back in, to take my photo and thumbprint. When I came back out my aunt was there to pick me up, just as I'd planned. She took me to breakfast and explained that my sister had taken a bottle of exedrin. Her stomach had to be pumped. but she was fine.

I've never told anyone. I've never talked to my sister about. I don't even feel sad about it. I don't really know how to feel....