another day another dollar...literally.

at work today i got some mail... my company credit card...

as bipolar as my boss is, for some reason i feel this is a set up.

they's a coming fa me.

do they really trust me with it? i mean as of right now the only true debit i have is my car... and i'm about 4 months away from finishing to pay that off... but in a real life type way a sista is super LOW LOW middle class.

like if someone fucks up and i miss out on a check...MY and i both will be dancing on the pole...so this company giving me a damn line of credit in the amount that they did is re-dunkulous!

it feels like i have something illegal in my purse now. i have to carry this around with me?
so being the scaredy cat that i am i put it in a top secret hidding spot...wink wink...(watch my retarded ass forget where i put it when i need it..lol)

do they trust me with it? i feel like im going to try to book my hotel night and it's going to be denied, like "that's a fake company credit card bitch..they didn't give you the real deal."

ESPECIALLY since i gave myself box braids this weekend. you know box braids amazes, confuses and pisses white people off all in the same instant...

i do intent on taking them out before i fly to Illinois next month...corporate is corporate and white is white.

guess ill go since vh1 is pretending to read his book but is actually reading over my shoulder....

PS I love my Macbook... lets call her Shaniqua... Shaniqua....is the bomb.dot.com...

Things I've lost.

* I lost $550. I had it in a money order, in an envelope on the top of my dresser. I remember picking it up. I remember holding it in my hand. I remember throwing out the trash in a rush...I think I threw away $550. The reciept in still attached. $550 lost. Half of my rent...gone. so sad. That's it. Can't cry over spilled milk. Just gotta keep on pushing and learn from my mistakes.



* I lost a piece of my tooth. I was kissing Vh1 and our teeth clicked and my tooth chipped. It sounds way worst than it is...it isn't visible with the naked eye, but I can rub my tongue across it and feel it. I don't see any further damage but I will be going to the dentist just in case...I knew this guy in high school, who was FINZNE. I don't even really know why or how he and I became friends. But everyday he and I would sit next to each other on the bus. When I got my car, I asked him if he wanted a ride, since we got off at the same stop... for his prom he had his braces removed, and two days later a piece of his front tooth fell off from an accident he had either while the braces were on or before they were put on. He was sooo ashamed. He came to me at lunch and asked me if I could leave early and take him home. he had this crazy look on his face and was covering his mouth. I had to ditch school (he was 18 and could leave whenever he felt) and meet him in student parking. we drove home in silence and finally he showed me his tooth. I wanted to BURST into laughter but didn't. I could see he wanted to cry. I never told anybody about that....I did call him Chipper for the rest of the year. It was our little secret.



*I lost time this morning doing my hair; but, It is so CUTE today. I have it part in the center and feathered backwards....HOT!



*I lost my mind when I listened to Ne-yo's CD. Why is Ne-yo's new CD the bizness? Is that just my opinion or is everyone else feeling it like me? Uhhh and that new song by John Legend and Fine ass Andre 3000? That mess is beatin'!
OOOOO and Al Green's !!!! CLASSIC!


*I lost all respect for my cellphone. vh1 has that new phone the instinct, it is soooo cute. I spent more time playing with it then him. .. I want one! His fingers are too big anyway!



*My friend's mother will be cornrolling MY's hair.. yeah! something I can not do! saves me 10 minutes in the morning!



*My mom will be out here next weekend....she will met my new love....or maybe not....I will gage whether I'm even ready for all that, this week.



* I came to work to day with only $5. I need gas to get home and I need to eat...what do I do? I will put the $5 in the tank and use the change in my car to buy a 0.69 burrito, from del taco....lol

Things I'm not supposed to say.

There are times when I wish I could get in my car and drive away from it all! My job. My apartment. My life. singleparenthood. California. Inglewood. Carson. Just get away from this fucking neverending cycle that I call my life. Wish I could climb my way out this valley. The mud is just too slippery. Everytime I get a grip I just slide right back into this same shit. Same muck. thick ass mud. I built a house in flood lands. I'm standing here looking at it get washed away.

I wish I could just get on the 10 fwy South and Just go. South America?!. Leave everything. fuck it. Just drive until there's simply nowhere else to drive. Once I got where I ended up I'd just get out my car and stand there in silence and wait. Wait for whatever is next. I'd just stand there and wait until whatever happened.

I get so sick of the regularity of life sometimes. These catagories I'm supposed to fit in. Daughter. Mom. Sister. Friend. Cousin. Employee. Christian. Single. Engaged. Law obiding. Truthful. Honest. Kind. Sweet. Who the fuck decided that I always have to be sweet?

I am tired of being a singlemom. Tired of being the responsible one. He gets to not have a job, no apartment, no possessions (expect what he got when he was with me) and only see his child when he feels like it. Lay around all fucking day with no goals and no future and I HAVE TO have a plan. I HAVE TO go to work. I HAVE TO.

SHIT! I'm tired. I never get a fucking break. 7 days a week. 24 hours a day I am someones mom. I am never just JANE anymore. No one told me I would never just be me anymore. I swear I am going to loose me. scratch that...I am loosing me. I don't remember JANE anymore?!. I mean I do but it's like I just read about her she's this character in some story somewhere...I'm not still her. So much I remember about me that I am not anymore.

There are times when my daughter's personality and mine do not mix. She's a star gazer looking at the world through rose colored glasses, seeing everything and everyplace for the first time. She likes to turn every fucking thing into a game. Imagine that the every walk is a race. Every piece of fabric was left by a princesses dress. Every bit of the world is a fairy tale. For her it's fine. but when I'm fifteen minutes late already I JUST DONT HAVE TIME TO LISTEN! I don't want to know that those cotton balls I dropped in the bathroom look like a "happy little bunny"!

The co-worker that sits behind me is a fuckingidiot. God had a meeting on a cloud one day and the biggest idiot fell down into the cubicle behind me. OMG I want to peel his skin off! He agrevates me to the 99th pissitvity. The next time he goes on a rampage about Obama's face I'm going to spit on him......that's why I coughed on his telephone and keyboard when he went to lunch.

I am tired of being lonely. It's an un-intimate lonely. I Have friends. I have church friends. I have friends I can cry to. I have friends I can gossip too I have catch a cup of coffee friends. I even have just sit and look at the sun set friends. I have family. I have an intimate detailed relationship with Christ. I love myself. I have goals and beliefs and values but I feel like I'm missing something. An intimacy...a closeness... Am I? Am I missing out on somehting?



I hate people who don't speak English and get an attitude when you don't understand what they are saying.

I fucking hate when people tell me that I'm "pretty for a dark skin girl" Who the fuck decided that there's only one form of pretty? Fuck you.

And who is he to think that knows something bout me? He is not a part of my REAL life. He's a part of the life I allow him to see. The part that I let him believe in. The part I allow him to think he's apart of...shit that's what the fuck he does for me. For him to believe he knows me enought to make comment on JANE?! That shit takes NUTS! A lotta fucking nuts! And from a man who can't hold his nut for three minutes I'm supposed to learn about patience! That's why I don't call you!

I hate when I smile and say hello and bitches scrunch up their fucking faces... Bitch the sun is shinning take a shit and have a good day once in a while! ARGGH..

Where is everybodying getting money for brand new cars these days. EVERYFUCKINPERSON in Inglewoood has a brand new car but me?! I work 96 hours a paycheck and I ain't got a new car?! Somebody tell me what I don't know?!

Just cause I bring up the fact that you used to work at the burger spot that we are eating at does not mean I'm hating on you bitch! We're eating at the fucking place... Stop fucking hiding from your past and you wouldn't have to shush me when I bring shit up!

Sigh... now that I got that off my chest.... I feel much much better... debate with me if you want to...I don't care...

OHHSA.

"so, i like what i see when i'm looking at me when i'm walking pass the mirror"

isn't that just the best line out of a song in all 2007? i'ma make that my theme song for the first part of 2008 ("living my life like it's golden" by jill scott and "real love" by mary j. blige were the themes for 2007).


any who...back to my lists.... that i've grown to love so much.

1. since when is 33 an age to die of natural causes? i don't know about the rest of the country but the so.cal news is putting it on blast that pimp c died... everytime i turn on the news i hear serious newscasters speaking to a soundtrack of "big pimpin"

2. i got a fucken red-light camera ticket. now please tell me why is it $381? where is that money going to come from? i refuse to use my christmas bonus on a damn ticket!

3. one of my customers refuses to call me by my name he will only call me "donald".... i have the voice of mechl'le and he's calling me donald....you prolly already know english is his second language.

4. fls, baby momma need to be slapped. i know they had drama in the past... but shit girl, let the man see his son. the judge ordered that she must fly the boy out here every other weekend. he know that aint happening. they both prolly gon go broke.... sigh.

5. my daughter's father (i refuse, i'm pretty defiant today, to say baby daddy...this time) called my five year old daughter the morning of her birthday to say "oh, daddy ordered your shoes late so they won't be ready till next week." (I wish yall could hear the voice i use when i'm imitating him...hilarious!) MY says "oooohhhh, not againnnnn daddy... nex week is not my birfday." then she hung up the phone. ha! i didn't have to get on the phone...i think she handled it pretty damn well if you asked me.

6. i don't have cable; but my daughter's god mother brought her a tv for her birthday. my daughter came to me the other night pissed off cause she couldn't understand why we didn't have more channels. i told her "mommy can't afford more channels" thinking she'd skip over the meaning of "afford". she tells me "mommy, we got to get you some money." ha! the kid is gold!

7. my hair needs to be done. i'm still fine though. it's just dryyyyy like the dessert sands...

8. my job allows us to buy over-the-counter products and medical devices and such through our ordering system for wholesale price (I just brought 48 rolls of toliet paper for $10) and then takes it out of our checks a little at a time (like 20 a check). i'm thinking everyone on my christmas list is going to be getting products from our catalog:
-grandma- a new folding cane with roses on it and a flashlight at the bottom
- step dad- a new sleep apnea machine
-bigsis- a new stethescope (she's in school to be an rn)
-MY's teacher- a humidifer (they're on sale for 1.25)
lol.... ha!

9. i talked to crazyc, i put this at the bottom at the hopes no one would read this far and see that i slipped back...told yall he's like a crack addiction, we chatted a bit about things. told him i wasn't happy and that he need to "straighten up and fly right". he came by and we talked more. why did i let him in my door? why lord? pray about it for me... he's not got change. he's still him. so pray that god can change me. make me want somehting elese. crazyc will always be the asshole to end all assholes.... lol...lol why is that so funny to me?

10. i was in a rush this morning, had to take my shower throw on my clothes and run. when i got home and took off my boots, why are my legs so ashy they look like i been jumpin in flour all day? like i just got off a plane from africa?

11. this weather out here is damn fool... 82 degrees in the day and 42 at night don't make not damn sense.

12. im not one to let stress affect my body...but my feet are swollen, i got the gas, skin is dry and my back hurts (sounds like pregnancy huh? naw, that's not it...lol...i'd be a damn crazy fool if that was it. be making appointments at medical buildings that have protestors out side, if that was it. i can't pay a ticket how am i gon support another kid... that's the reason I pop a Orthotricyclen Lo everymorning at 845 and if i do get a little somethin somethin happening- i supply the contraceptives (crazyc been tryna make a little boy wit me for years... and aint no body trappin me) humph! humping or not ain't tryna hav no lil people growing in me!...I must've touched a sore spot because i'm way off subject...forget. must've not been too important.

13. saw my home boy brandon adams at the ladera ctr. still thinking he fly. had to give him the "you-ain't-been-fly-since-you-made-that-movie-people-under-the-stairs-or-imitated-michael-jackson-in-the-i'm-bad-video" look. when we were in high school, this fool paid extra money every month so his number could have double 0-7 in it...retart.

14. santa claus is coming, so you better be nice...he's sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake....for goodness sake! he's a perv...

life is a beautiful struggle....

In the true spirit on halloween I dressed up... fabulously I might ad... looka here at foxy brown working her magic:

XXX

Actually, this pic is from last year, but I wore the exact same thing this year...welll I didn't wear the booty shorts this year...but I was still hot...

I won second prize in competetion at work. $30 and two movie tickets. SO I sorta thought I was fly. After work My went with bigsis and her kids trick or treating (as usual). She was a princess, of course. I would post a pic, but I'm to sure about it...mybe after I think about it some. She was cute though... my love! SHe told me halloween morning, "mommy, you gon wear your hoochie mama boots today?" The boots I had on were to my knees, white leather with fur.

Since My was off with bigsis. I went with Sonystudios, her boyfriend timmypoo, his brother and his friend to an amusement park.. It was cool. Not as scary as Knotts scary farm...but fun!

That's it...

That's $110 at work this week alone...Iwon the pool for when my co-workers wife would have their baby ($80). So I'm having a great week so far:

1. met a young boy that thinks I'm fly

2. won 110 at work

3. went to an amusement park

4. what i did last nigt with crazyc after i got home from the amusement park

5. I have the most intelligent child in the world.

6. life is beautiful.

Other Shyt to worry about

Sigh... So Mr. Wonderful emailed me today. I didn't respond. I refuse to let myself get angry and irratated about this.

In order for me to forget about Mr. Wonderful I've dedicated this post to other things I need to worry about; Like:

1. The fact that all of Southern California is burning down all around me. Every day my car is covered in ashes. The ashes of the belongings of people who now have nothing. Everything is gone. Thier computers- gone. Their beds gone. Their socks- gone. Everything they own burned. I'm a horrible person because this morning all I could think was, "the ashes are ruining my $17 car wash"... major reality check. I had to sit down and really focus. So My and I took our cans to the recycling place and donated the $ to the Red Cross. Vain redemption? Life is such an oxymoron.

2. My daughter is turning 5; which makes me the mother of a 5 year old. I'm getting old.

3. My shoulder creeks when I move it...That's a sense of how old I've gotten.

4. I have to decide if I want to continue on this road I'm going down with Crazyc. He helped me out of my first crisis with Mr. Wonderful. And he is unknowingly helping me out of this one. I love him. There's soooo much history behind our relationship, I'm writing a book on it. Yet, I know that the words that spill out this mouth could drive me to murder. I don't think his larynx is connected to his brain because there's no way that the brain knows what his voice box is saying. He does a body good; just like milk. But should I stay knowing I'll never truely be happy? Or will I? There has to be something that makes me stay with him right? It couldn't just be familiarity, right? That can't be the only reason, I'm with him, right? Just because it's what I'm used to.....

5. My house is a damn mess. The dishes, the rooms, the bathroom. sigh... it's over whelming. I'll start with the living room and bathroom tonight.

6. I still ain't got no driver's license. $5000 to go.

7. I'm still trying to get this business started. I'm barely in the scratch paper stages and I got people trying to book dates.... that excites me and scares me at the same time.

8. What am I going to be for Halloween? I got to win the $100 prize my job is giving away. SO I can put towards the $5000.

9. I have to work on my customer service skills. Some days I really am the angryblacklady over the phone.

10. I got an extra $20 bucks on the phone bill because of this internet connection.

11. I'm giving My a slumber party, so I'm going to have 12 little girls at my house for over 12 hours... terrified!

12. Flores. Nuff said. I've been avoiding him...but if he doesn't stop sending me those text messages with those sweet little inticements; I'm going to be right back there with him, naked, in his bed, watching his flat screen, eating pizza he ordered, while he stands on the bed singing me Prince songs....No, No, No, I won't let myself do it.

13. Why is there still hardly any Black people on television? It's like we don't really exist, in their worlds. Not even enough to hire us as extras...WOW.

14. I need the thingy that connects the tire to the axle to be replaced on my car.

15. I need a good gospel song to perform to for my audition next month and I only have two weeks, to choreograph something. Any suggestions?

ok, that makes me feel better..... exhale.

put your ass on the wall and your leg on around your neck.

I went to ass and titties Hosuton this weekend. Man, did I have a ball.

My friend E got married in Galveston, Tx. She was a beautiful bride. What tripped me out was her husband. he's handsome, intelligent, successfull and he loves her. I am so happy for her. She beat the odds! He even burst into tears as he gave to most beautiful toast to her at the reception.

I makes me question will I ever find some one who even loves me a third as much? I honestly do not believe that. It hurts to feel that way; but, I feel that there is no possibility of that for me, ever. sadly.

On a lighter note. I got the promotion! I am officially the Diretor of the Pharmacy department. Thank you. thank you.

But my wages are being garnished for a portion of my student loan that I didn't know I still owed! so I got an $8,000 a year raise but, I have to pay almost $3,000 this year in back pay.I think I am going to take money from my savings and renegogiate to pay the full amount.

southeren-playa-listic-cadiallac-funky-music

Ok here I am again risking my job to write a blog. I have gots to get a computer at home.

What's up with me?

* Well I was talking to MC, but I think that's over.

* I am still rolling with Crazychris. shit has actually been good between us, believe it or not. I am feeling good about "us" for the first time in um...um... ten years. we'll see. I'm suppsosed to have a super bowl party for him at my house.

* Thursday and friday I was out of it...I was dead to the world. I had to leave work early on Thursday and didn't go on Friday. I was on my death bed.Head was hurting, throat was sore, achy body the flu over came me. Trust.

* I am paying 157 dollars for got damn health insurance. that amount of $ can make or break my daughter and I. I am going to have to put my daughter back on Medi-cal and just hope for the best for myself. Fuckin Bush.

* Saturday day I took My to Chuckee Cheese for her cousin's birthday party. (My BBD's sister's daughter) And yes my daughter's dad was there...with his other baby mama. Yes the one before me. I stayed all of thirty minutes before I quickly dismissed my self. Why would his sister invite me to the party knowing that he was going to be there with her? ~Expecting me to come with the drama?

* Saturday night I went out with Sony Studios.Sony and I picked up her friend Jason then we met up with two of his friends that looked all buffed up on steroids. and had gel slicked hair...? She and I went to this club called Pearl. I wasn't feeling all that cute when I got there. The rain had dapened my style. But the Dj was cracking. The crowd was a mix of black and white (mostly white women)All I know is that I got so drunk that I threw up. I threw up at the club i threw up at Sony Studios house Upstairs and downstairs. Sony was so drunk she gave this guy that she's messing with 120.00... yeah.... I don't know.... why..... I wasn't with her...sounds suspicious to me.

*Crazychris was upset with me because I ended up spending the night at Sony studios house. And if you've read my blog before ...you know the type of stuff that goes on there...I don't blame him.

* My stayed with Sony Studios' mom Ms. R and she was "the sweetest baby" I was very happy with her.

* Sunday I didn't do a damn thing. I couldn't. Suffering from my hangover. I cleaned up my house. I showered.that was it.

I'm doing monkey flips.

ok. So I haven't posted since last Friday.

Friday I got a call from Judge Joe Brown's Producer. The lady is interested in putting my story/case on the show. so we'll see how that goes.

My granps sent me some $. So I could possibly have a car by the end of next week. I actually saw a Nissan Maxima that I was loving the other day. I think I might have one of my uncles or some man go look at for me...It was cute. But cute doesn't mean dependable.

I was contemplating moving to Lancaster (it's like the Mojave desert area, about an hour and 45 mins from where I live now). So I had my aunt searching for apartments for me. She had found one. A two bedroom, with a fire place and a garage and it was hella big for only 620.00 a month. It was a duplex and the couple in the other half would've been my favorite little (he's not that little he's 6'2 and about 225lbs. and 20 years old) cousin and his girlfriend. And I had gotten a job offer from this school out there. SO I was geeked.

Then I found out that the apartment was really just a one bedroom with a hella big closet (I mean big enough for a toddler bed and a dresser and all of My's stuff...but it wasn't a room per se) and when I looked online there are 124 sex offenders (two of which were rated "3" or high) in the area that I wanted to move.

Then the job I got offered wanted me to teach the 2pm to 5pm class and the 6pm to 10pm class. Which means that My would've only had to be at day care for really one and a half hours because my aunt gets off of work at 2 and so she could keep her from 3:30 until 10. But I would hate not being able to put her to bed. And the school that offered me the job didn't really have too much history. It's JUST opening... brand new. SO that scares me. The area of Post secondary schooling is tricky that way, you have to be careful...not all schools last. So after inhaling all that I wasn't sure about Lancaster anymore.

SO in the middle of me contemplating my move to the desert, the school I had applied for umpteen months ago called me. They want me to come teach there ASAP!!!! More $!! closer to home!!! closer to my daughter's daycare!!! Closer to the private school she'll be going to in the next six months!!! closer to my nephews and sister!!! better hours (8am to 12 and then 1 to 5pm) and they have REAL Benefits!!!!! I'm so excited...

Finally I have good things to report. Ya'll knows it's been a long while since I've had good things to say about the world.

Toni,Tone Tony should be held accountable for those poor people that believed "It never rans in Southern California" the shit is pouring down hard as I don't know what outside. I mean we do need the rain. It hasn't rained in six months. My cousin came from Central America has been visiting since April and she said just last week "it hasn't rained the whole time I've been here" and suddenly we're in the middle of "STORM WATCH 2004" Cali does it big on the news when it rains!!! that's all that matters. Whether it's two drops or the waterfalls that we've been getting these last few days....Our news is DRAMA filled.

But this storm we're in The middle of is serious. The freeways are flooded, folks building are caving in...God knows how to let you know he disapproves....rain, sleet, snow, hail, volcanos, hurricanes, earthquakes, mud slides, fires,....he will let you feel it.

"jump in the air stay there..."

this weekend...no parties for Jen....

just waiting to see if g-pops can spare some change for a sista to buy her self a car and get her L's back.

My's Little legs with big Hearts Walk is Tommorrow so I gots to get up early to take her. Then WG2 (white girl two, my co-worker) is having a "Naughtygirl party " so I'll be attending that function.

What's a trip is since Vero and i had our fallen out....Me and WG2 have gotten real close. She's one really cool chic. Even though I generally don't trust the pinks, I think I like her. I keep her at a distance...because you never know when a sista might have a "slavery flashback" but she and I are cool.

Neither one of us like WG1. she is such a fucken I-went-to-a-private-all-girls-college-and-I-have-to-always-speak-in-the-most-annoying-high-pitched-voice-because-I-have-to-hide-the-fact-that-I'm-a-backstabbing-bitch type white girl.

WG1 had the nerve to tell me one day "I'm basically black because I listen to Outkast" I had the ultimat look of disgust on my face and I could feel my hand balling up the way that oprah's character Sophia did in The Color Purple. I started to feel a tinge of perspiration on my forehead, and I suddenly had a headache, I was just about to cuss the white caked on make-up off her face when our boss walked in and saw my distruat look and broke the "almost" bitchslapping up.

lazy heffa.

You have got to get an image of me right now. I have my hair in a wrap and i's basically straight no curl at the end, no make-up, I have a plain black scrub top, plain black scrub pants, plain black shell toes, I have no ear rings on, no necklaces, no bracelets, no rings, my white lab coat, no nail polish, a black purse with a white "j" on the side. I look as though I'm in mourning...

I look so sad.

I thought I was over feeling sorry for myself but the weekend brought on the realization that I Don't have a car.

no grocery shopping.

no laundry.

no kiddie parties.

I stayed home the entire weekend. I only went out of the house once this weekend to take the trash out.

I did get to rearrange my bedroom.

My house looks like those crazy people who never have people over because they are afraid that company will move something. Everything is dusted, shining, bling blinging all and out the apartment.

"save the drama for ya momma..."

ok...SO my moms is hyper off this shit that's going on with me. She is basically driving me up the walls about this.

I tell her I ain't got no money to be trying to get another car and my damn license is still suspended. So she throws money at me. I'm not saying, throwing money at me ain't a good thing...it helps it's just hat I need some love too. I need some "everythings going to be alright..."I need my mommy to tell me that.

My mother has changed so much since....since I don't know when, I'd like to say she's always been that way but that's not true. I remember her being a different person...when did she change? why?

It seems now that she's so ....I don't want to say heartless; but, maybe that's it. When I went to visit her she wasn't the lady I knew. It's crazy that I've been knowing her for 23 years and she still thinks she can hide shit from me...

ok, this bitch is crazy...

note: this post is not for the faint at heart, children under 18 years of age, people who ain't got time to read the whole thing, people that think I could actually make up a story like this, people the are quick to say what they'd of did in a situation or for my moms if she's reading..skip ahead to the next blog...

I had the worst fucking weekend ever.
Worst than the weekend when my car got impounded, worst then the night my daughter's dad and I got in a fist fight, simply my worst weekend ever.

SO here's how it goes.
The club, my car and new friends?
friday 10/1/04 9pm I take My to her god mother's house to stay for the weekend. I get to my friend KG's house and pick up her sister kita so that kita and I can go to the club. We go to Joseph's in Hollywood. And end up parking 1020498210481 blocks from the club. When we finally hike to the club, from this parking lot, that kita claimed to be "not that far". We get inside and all is well. The music is great, the people are hot, the drinks is rite and Jenny's having a ball. There's some cute lite skin guy buying Jenny drinks all nite long. She's loving it. oops I mean I'm loving it. I tend to talk about my self in the 3rd person when I'm retelling stories.

saturday 10/2/04 1:20am: Kita complains to me that she has a headace and that she does not want to stay at the club and that she is not having any fun. She begs for the car keys to "go lay down". i give her the keys under the impression that she's going to go lay down while I was getting this guy's number. She leaves.

Where's my shit?
saturday 10/2/04 1:35am: I leave the club and walk the 1020498210481 blocks back the parking lot. the car and kita are not there.

saturday 10/2/04 1:45am: I walk back to the club. No kita. no car.

saturday 10/2/04 1:55am: I walk back to the parking lot. No kita. no car.

saturday 10/2/04 2:00am: I'm walking back to the club and This tall dark skin guy pretty cute I need to add asked me if I needed to use his phone because he saw that I had been walking back and forth on Hollywood and he wanted to know if I needed help. I use his cell phone to call kita's cell phone...a thousand times I try and there's no answer from her. over and over I'm calling her and she never answers. I'm leaving this bitch messages. over and over I call.

saturday 10/2/04 2:15am: The guy who by this time had told me that his name is M and that he's from up north (Oakland) and is down in LA visiting some family offers to give a ride back to the club instead of me walking the kabillion blocks back to the club. I turn down his offer because his friend is in the back seat passed out drunk and I'm just not one for getting tapped up and thrown in the trunk by some guy I just met. So instead I walk back to the club and he follows in his car (a silver, 2005 Cadillac Deville) alongside of me to "make sure I'm alright". He's letting me use his cell phone to continue calling kita, who is not answering.

saturday 10/2/04 2:20am: I get back to the club. No kita. No car. M refuses to leave me there with no transportation or cell phone, so he offers to let me ride around with him, to look for kita and my car. I'm desperate now and the club is letting out and the po's are all over the streets. So, I get in. dun, dun, dun.

What the fuck have I gotten in to?
saturday 10/2/04 2:30am: The Po's pull us over. I immediately ask M, "is there anything I need to know?" He says "My name is M and you just met me."

saturday 10/2/04 2:35am: M tells the police that he doesn't have a driver's license and the reason that he's driving is because his friend in the backseat is drunk. He's never been arrested and he only has his college ID from Detroit.He also says that he's from Detroit.....hmmm....The Police have backseat guy get out and I find out his name is Day. The car was rented by some other guy, named vic, up north and so while M is driving the insurance isn't offically in affect. So the police flash the light at Day and tell him that he doesn't look that intoxicated to them so go get some coffee from the 7-11 (that's where we'd pulled in to park) and then let Day drive. yeah the po's in Cali don't give the fuck about Black folks...until they run into a white family.

saturday 10/2/04 2:40am: We pretend to go into 7-11 to get coffee and we get back in the car. I'm calling kita...no answer..by this time I have prolly called her at least 900 times. no answer. no sign of my car. When we're saftely back in the car M says to me "whew, it's a good thing they didn't look in the trunk we got that 'Like Whoa' back there." I want to pass out. he goes on to say that that's the real reason they were down here to sell this "like whoa" to a distributor down here. then he asked did i have any male cousins who sell weed. I was tripped out.

saturday 10/2/04 2:45am: We continue driving around looking for kita and finally Day says to me "The po's is deep over here we need to get from over here" I say well lets' go to this afterhours spot and wait for her to call me back.

The truth or is it?
saturday 10/2/04 3:00am: We get to the reggae after hours. I have called kita at least 50 million more times with no response. We go into the club and we dance.

saturday 10/2/04 3:45am: I ask M can I take his phone out side to use it and he says sure. I call my house and there's a message from kita marked 3:40am

"Jenny, this is kita, I went to the parking lot and decided to move your car closer to the club so that you wouldn't have to walk back to the parking lot. I parked the car at the 7-11 and when I came back the car was towed. I went to the tow yard and paid to get it out of towing and I am on my way to your house."
I hang up and try calling her and this tramp does not answer her fucking phone.

saturday 10/2/04 4:00am: she finally answers her phone and says to me.."Yeah I paid to get your car out of impound, so when can you pay me back the 279.00?" I went the the fuck off...first off, my car would have never been in impound if it wasn't for her ass moving the shit uninvited. She and I get into it. We are going at it and she says to me "Well I could've been a bitch about it and left your shit in the impound." That tramp has to get her ass beat. At the advise of M, I say you know what? whatever kita, i'll give you your money, I'll come get my car."

They din up and changed on me...
saturday 10/2/04 4:15am: I ask the guys to take me to her house and they say no. They say they are too drunk... So I try calling the tramp...I mean kita back and Her ass ain't answering her phone. I start calling all the homies and no one answers the phone. So I'm stuck with these dudes that I don't know.

saturday 10/2/04 4:30am: We check into a hotel, there is only single bed rooms left. So when we go into the room, Day takes the top matress off of the bed and puts it on to the floor. Then they order additional bedding for One to sleep on the clear space of floor near the door. M and I sit up and talk to each other for a minute and he begins to fall alseep. He gets down on the other matress to sleep and lets me sleep on the bed. No one tried to touch or feel or nothing.

saturday 10/2/04 8:30am: I wake up and both guys are sleep. The keys to the car and M's money are on the table by the door...for one quick second I thought of taking the keys and money and leaving but then I thought back on how nice these guys had been to me. and How they'd really helped me out. so I grabbed my purse tighter and went back to sleep.

No way home...
saturday 10/2/04 8:45am: Day wakes up and tells us its time to go. He says we need to get to his brothers house. I ask can they drop me at Kita's so I can get my car and they tell me that they'll take me later that I should just spend the day with them. I call Kita and leave a message telling her that I want to get my keys and car from her and that I will be by to get them. She of course is still not answering her phone.

saturday 10/2/04 9:30am: We get to Day's brother's house and his brother and nephew get into the car. We go over to this park and the brother and Day and the nephew get out. M tells me "I really like you, I think you're a nice girl and I really am interested in settling down and finding a girlfriend. I think that you could be her." I'm not trippin off of shit this nicca is saying because that's the shit niccas say.

saturday 10/2/04 9:45am: We go back to Day's brother's house and I ask can they take me now. Day says no because he needs to take his nephew to his mother's sister's house to pick up his pads before the game begins. I call Kita and tell her that the people I'm with have things to do but I will be by to pick up my car. I have to leave a message because she's not answering her phone.

saturday 10/2/04 10:30am: we go to this mini-resturant in the MLK center to eat breatfast. M is asking me about my birthday and my sign and the things I like to do and my education and tells me that he wants to take me with him back to Oakland. I laugh and tell him that I need to work and get my daughter. He says that he will take me to get my daughter and than the three of us can spend the week in oakland. I laugh it off and he looks at me with a dead serious face. I try to change the subject but he tells me that he is so serious about this.

saturday 10/2/04 11:00am: We go back to Day's brothers house and M tells me that I need to get some clothes becuase I can't possibly wear my club clothes to the football game. I tell him I am not going to the game and that I need to get home. M tells me he wants me to spend the day with him and that they really don't have time to take me so, I should just go with them. He then tells me that he's going to take me to this store he saw around the corner to buy me some clothes.

saturday 10/204 11:40: we get back from the store and I change clothes. Day's brother tells us that it's time to take the little boy tothe park so that he won't miss the bus to the game. I ask that if after that they could take me to kita's to get my car and they say if there's time.

Have I been kidnapped?
saturday 10/2/04 12:05: We (Day's Brother, M, the little boy and myself) get to the park and Day's brother and the little boy get out the car. I'm sitting in the backseat and M is in the front. He has his seat leaning way back sort of crushing my leg.I'm sitting more on the right side of the car but sort of in the middle. I look over at the school bus and recognize the driver, it's a friend of mine from school, I call out to him and he comes over to the car window on the left side of the car. I turn slightly toward him and start talking to him. M reaches for my arm and grabs it and begins to hold it tightly. I frown a little and Chris, my friends, asks me is everything ok. He can't see M holding my arm. I turn to M and he smiles so, I say yes to chris with out looking back at him.

Chris walks away and I say very slowly to M "You know, I could get out of this car if I wanted to and be down the block before you could catch me" He says "no, you wouldn't make it out the car." Without even looking at me. I say "I would" he says "try" and sits up in his seat. For the first time I felt worried.

I was thinking what if these dudes really hurt me. I move closer to the door where I had just been talking to chris and try to open the door and the child locks were on. I look back at M, who is staring out the front window not even facing me and he says "I told you" He says "I kidnapped you" I say laughing "what?" he says "I kidnapped you" I say "what! in my own city?" "He says "kidnapped, womannapped, ladynapped, whatever you want to call it.." Then he says. "you're comin with me to Oakland." I just sit back in my seat. Then He laughs. then he turns towards me and says firmly "come here" I lean foward and he kisses me on my lips. and says "just playing". I'm not so sure.

saturday 10/2/04 12:30pm: We get back to Day's brothers house and the guys are ready to go to the game, I ask if I could get dropped off on the way there and M tells day to just ignore me. I ask if I can use M's phone and he says yes. He lets me use his phone and I figure he had to be joking about the kidnapped things because why would a kidnapper allow thier captives to use the phone. I try calling Sony Studios, no answer, I try Muq, no answer, I try Kita, no answer. I worry. How am I going to get home?

Now I'm to far to run...
Saturday 10/2/04 1:00pm:We (Day's brother, some other guy, M and myself) get in the car and drive to Orange COunty....about a hour and half drive from where I stay. And I'm thinking whether or not I should try to run away out here where I don't know nobody. So, I don't because I figure I'll have a chance to when we get back to Los Angeles.

saturday 10/2/04 3:00pm: At the game M takes me to this shaded tree and sets up these fold up chairs tells me that he likes me again and he's thinking that he wants me to be his girlfriend. and that he'll try his hardest to give me everything I want. That he take his money from "doing his thang" and buy me a house where ever I want it and I can furnish it with my money from teaching. I just smile and agree. Under other circumstances M would be someone I'd want to be with. I always fall for the ones with all the bullshit ass game, no real job, illegal ass niccas. I finally get to talk to Muq with anyone around and she immediately takes report of what I have on and such.

saturday 10/2/04 4:30pm: We leave the game. We drive all the way back to Day's brother's house.

saturday 10/2/04 6:00pmThey're standing out side laughing and talking and I'm really concerned about getting my car back now. I have no car keys and Kita's not anwering her phone. It's going straight to voice mail. I try calling KG and ask her if Kita is at her house she says 'yes'. I say can you tell her that I'm on my way to pick up my car. she says fine. M and Day get in the car and we're on our way to Kita's and KG's house finally.

Time to beat somebody's ass...
saturday 10/2/02 6:45pm: We're about ten minutes from KG's house when KG calls M's phone and says "Jenny, Kita left a message for me on my phone saying that she left your car in front of your house witht he keys in the glove box with the door unlocked." I say "what?" She says "yea, she left the keys in the glove box with the door unlocked. I am immediately pissed!!!! That bitch. I just said I was on my way to her muthafuckin house. M turns around and heads back to my house.

saturday 10/2/04 7:30pm: my car is not there.

saturday 10/2/04 7:35pm: I call kita, over and over and over again aksing her where my car is and she's pulling this don't answer my phone agian shit. i tell her that if she doesn't call me back I'm going to have to call the police.

saturday 10/2/04 8:00pm: I go up to my apartment and try to hide from Day and M how to get into my house without a key but they are all up in it. I get in and they come in and I allow them to make microwave buriitos while I continue calling kita over an over again with no answer.

Free at last...or so I thought
saturday 10/2/04 8:30pm:M tells me he really wants me to go back to Oakland with him. and that I need to pack my clothes I tell him no. Day says he's ready to leave to Oakland and I walk them out side. M asks me for a hug, I say ok and he doesn't let go. He tells me.."please, come back with me?" I say "no" I got to go to work Monday." He says "fuck your job." I laugh and he says "ok last chance." I say "sorry i can't." He finally lets go and gets in the car.

saturday 10/2/04 8:35pm: I call sony studios and she finally answers the phone and I tell her the digs on my car. She says "stay right there, I'm on my way". I say "ok".

saturday 10/2/04 9pm: Sony Studios gets there and the phone rings, it's M he tells me "I'm on my way back over your house, we're not leaving tonight". I say "but I'm leaving..." he says "don't" I say "I'm already in the car". he says "well wait for me." I say "i can't" He says "Well I'll be there when you get back." I say "ok I'll wait for you then".

saturday 10/2/04 9:20pm M gets there and we all get into his car...SO that we can fit. Sony studios has a camaro. We drive over to KG's house and that bitch doesn't even open the bar door when she's talking to me. As long as we've been friends (9 years) and this tramp doesn't even respect me enough to open the door. All she keeps saying is "I don't know what happened. I don't know." Bitch.

saturday 10/2/04 9:40pm: we get back to my house. Sonya Leaves. M comes upstairs and we're talking. He's telling me that he would really like it if I came to Oakland with him and that he's never felt this way so quickly about someone. and that He wants me to be his girl and drama drama drama. I'm just like "your'e cool peeps too." We eat, we hang, chill, whatever. He leaves. I call the police and try to report my car stolen and they tell me that I need to have the registered owner report it so I tell Muq that she needs to call. I finally settle down and go to sleep.

A new day, a different side...
sudnday 10/3/04 8:00am: M calls me and says "let's go to breakfast." I say "ok".

Sunday 10/3/04 9:00am:M gets to my house and I leave him sitting in the livingroom waiting while I go to the restroom. I start into the restroom and when i come out M is gone, my purse(with my rent money in it) is gone and my door is wide open.

Sunday 10/3/04 9:05am: I call the police. Tell them I've been robbed, Call sony studios and tell her to come over as fast as possible.

sunday 10/3/04 9:15am: I frantically bang on my neighbors door, tell him I've just been robbed and ask him for a ride. He says yeah and gets dressed.

sunday 10/3/04 9:30am: We're headed for Day's big Brothers house. We're speeding through traffic, I'm hoping that since M doesn't really know LA that well I can make it there before he can get there and get away.

sunday 10/3/04 9:45am: We get there and I mind you I have no weapon, no idea who is in the house and I'm full of adrenaline bang on Day's brother's house and I say "where's your muthafuckin friend and my money. That nigga stole my money." They are lost and have no idea what I'm talking about and I tell them that "if someone doesn't give me my fuckin money there's going to be problems." I get outside and Day's brother apologizes for the situation and says he don't play that shit "they're drug dealers not thieves."

Sunday 10/3/04 9:50am: I tell J, My neighbor, that I don't believ that M is not there, so lets go look in the alley. As we're getting to to alley M is turning the corner. J turns around and follows him back to the house. M gets out the car all nonchantly thinking 'Jenny aint got no car she can't possibly follow me here.' and I jump right in his face I'm like "Nigga where's my muthafuckin shit" and going on and on with his ass, he's just denying everything...over and over he denys. he says if you don't believe me call the police and gives me his cellphone. I call 911 and "Say yes I'd like to report a robbery" and he grabs the phone from me. Now, we're struggling back and forth, by this time, Day and his brother have come outside, J is yelling for me to get in the car, and Day's brother is threatening him not to hit me. I get in the truck with J and I use his cell phone to call the Po's. They tell me that it will be 30 minutes. I can't wait. J's cellphone rings and it's his brohter saying that Sony studios and the Po's have arrived at my house. I say lets go back to my house.

Sunday 10/3/04 10:30am I get to my house and the po's call me on J's cellphone and tell me to go back to where I was just at. I tell Sony studios and we hop in her car. We go back over there and See M and Day driving towards the freeway in the opposite direction. I take her cellphone and call CHP and tell them thier license plate # and ALL the business...aabout the "like whoa", who rented the car, where they're headed to, the license plate, what rental company it's from where they got the "like whoa" from,e'rythang. They had shared it with me so I told. The operator asked if I wanted to leave a # and I said no.

Sunday 10/3/04 11:30am Sony studios and I go back to my house and I have no car no keys and no $. I should be worried, but I'm not.


* That bitch is going to get it.
* CHP said they made a stop but that's all they can tell me.
* My daughter and I are back on the bus.
* No word from the Po's about my new old car.

my weekend.

i really didn't do much this weekend.

friday, My was sick. so i didn't want to go anywhere really. not that much was going on...oh, yeah, there was this "flag party" for south american independence day, but it was 18 and over and i don't particulary care to party with youngins..that's usually when the trouble gets ta bubblin...not that the "21 and up" crowd is any better, but there is generally a less chance of someone getting mad cause you stepped on his air force ones that it took him six months of allowance to buy.

so i stayed home friday and cleaned the hizzy.

saturday, I went and got some shit fixed with my new old car. i can finally take the damn number out of my window and get some real license plates.

when i got home, guess who called me? CRAZY CHRIS. Lord knows this man is out his mind.I have been having dealings with this man since I was 13. He was the first guy I ever kissed and he seems to be dead set on making himself the first person I have to kill. doesn't the term having dealings sound real old school? He claims that we are getting married and that we're going to make beautiful "coffee con leche" children. The problem with that is, he's a one hump wonder. No lie, I promise you, this one time we had sex and it lasted the length of time that it takes the Ricky Lake theme music to play. I was hot. Not only the sex thing but he drives me crazy and only because I let him. AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

i washed, blowdryed, pressed and flat ironed my own hair so I was completely out of it for the rest of the evening, i went straight to sleep. My hair is toooo thick and absolutely to NAPPY for me to be playing Indiana Jones and going at it myself...but a sista is broke and broke does not have to equal ugly afro.

hernandez had called me early in the day to tell me he wanted to "come through" whatever that shit means...I said cool. but I fell alseep so even if his punk ass would have called me to say he wasn't "coming through" I would have been sleep. SO, I don't know about this nigga no more. things were going real straight but I don't know...I hate feelin like I can't trust you to be real with me. I feel like he's not being upfront about his situation. I know last week I had a conspiracy theory going abouthim and sony studios and I know that I have the tendency to take one little "clue" and run with it and i know he has issues with the INS and shit but I think there's more... the plot thickens..

i am seriously looking into this hermit thing. men....can live with them...that's it nothing else.

Sunday, I went to church...The pastor was in Africa, so we had a guest speaker. This woman is amazing every time she comes to my church. The last time she was here one of the things she talked about is how having grandchildren is your reward for not killing your children... too funny.

After church I was supposed to go to the beach with sony studios, her new "guyfriend" and martinez. But Maritnez and Sony Studios are the reason that I don't have very many friends. They are the type of people women that are always in your face but constantly talking behind your back and behind each others backs. It's ridiculous. Once I started thinking of that and how if I went with them I'd prolly ride with one of them and I'd prolly have to stay as long as they wanted to stay and listen to thier rambling on about each other if one walks away and about everyone who crosses thier paths so I decided that I didn't want to deal with it.

Instead, My and I went to Dockweiler Beach right down the street from my house. I figured My would be afraid of the water and not want to put more than her feet in, so I didn't bring a change for her but that cow put her whole body in...so we had to leave early.


I spoke to Hernandez for a minute but I guess instead of talking about the issue i just had an attitude so we didn't talk very long...I know, I know, that was me trippin, cause even if he is doing something wrong I shouldve said something instead of getting an attitude.

Catch-a-case called me last night too. He was all guffed up because I haven't called him in two weeks. Every time I talk to him, I remember that he is three years younger than me and I feel like a dirty old lady.

Sunday night, last night My was taking quick rapid shallow breaths, sweating, had a low grade fever, being very clingy and whinney and could barely hold her head up, so i called the doctor and he says "give her cough medicine and bring her in tommorrow at 10 as soon as we open" what the shit kind of advice is that?

I was super worried and barely slept at all. I called Muq and all this tramp can talk about is how she and her "not-really-her-boyfriend-but-we-have-sex-and-don't-want-each-other-to-talk-to-other-people-and-sometimes-tell-people-that-we're-engaged-and-are-planning-on-moving-in-with-each-other" friend aren't talking to each other. My baby is ill and your telling me about this shit? Something about some guy from her job calling her and her "friend" thinking it was another guy...? what the? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! what the hell? come on, she's supposed to be my bestfriend and the entire time I'm telling her about my baby she keeps turning the conversation back to herself. No don't get me wrong, she does have the tendency to be a little self-glorified at times but this is my baby...i do know that but this shit pissed me off.

This morning I get to the doctors office at 10, the nurse triages My, puts us in a room and doesn't tell me until 1215 that the damn doctor called in sick today. aint that about a bitch? I missed four hours of work for nothing at all. I'm changing doctors. My seemed to be feeling better I plan on taking her to see her new doc some time this week...

yes sir.

Last nite My and I went grocery shopping. She was good...finally. I think it was because the grocery store was air conditioned. I spent 55.00 on food. I am so sick of being poor.

When I got home, it was about 8 and I had a message from Hernandez that says :"If you loved me you would be home." I called his ass and told him "If you loved me you would have called me one time in the last three days." I give up on men. I think I am going to be asexual now. Without sex. I'll date myself and send my self flowers and by myself cute little gifts....my grandfather always says 'if you don't want to talk to yourself, then why should anyone else want to' so the same should go for dating 'if i can't date me why should anyone else?'

Hernandez and I talked for a bit. He told me some story about how his phone was cut off and how he was pissed about it and all and that he went to go visit his "peeps" in Lancaster. Whatever the fuck that means? Is it destined for me to pick up all the liars?

I know that I'm crazy becuase I finding all these little coincidences in my conversations with Hernandez and with Sony Studios... If I found out that something was going on btwn the two of them I'd be in jail. I think a friend stealing or dating someone you're talking to is the ultimate "no no."

Example 1.
I owe Sony studios $40.00 so she called me on friday to see if I was home to come through and pick up the $. I wasn't there so she left a message saying that she was on her way to see her friend in Hawthorne. Which it could be just a funny little thing that happend that Hernandez lives in Hawthorne, but it's the way she said "Hawthorne" like she was taunting me sort of. Maybe I read to much into things but... that's not the only thing.

Example 2.
I was telling her about the Mariachi band at dinner (Hernandez had the mariachi band sing happy birthday to me at this resturant when it wasn't my birthday) and the next time I talked to him he just kept talking about the Marachi band.

Example 3.
This other time they called me within minutes of each other.

Example 4.
I know on the boat I could tell that he thought she was pretty. You know how you just know those things. There was no time that he could've gotten her number or he hers; but, I know that they have each other's numbers because, stupid ass me being all innocent and unsuspecting used his cellphone to call her cellphone to tell her that we couldn't find the dock number that she had given us. then she called us back on his cellphone to tell us where the place was at. So they have each others numbers. So nothing stops them from just callin each other up. Then later that nite he picks up his phone and realizes that it was off, laughs at whatever message is on the phone and then looks up at me suspiciously.

I know I''m crazy. I've been cheated on too many times not to be and maybe these are all coincidences but if they aren't I'ma be beatin some Belizean asses come round bout here.

My home girl amblina (Sony Studios' twin) burned her eye with a flat iron today. No lie. She went to the hospital this morning. The doctor's said she needs to come back tommorrow. She has a patch. What I don't understand is how do you burn your eye with a flat iron?

I talked to ambo for like 90023082 minutes yesterday. She lives in "Sacrabama" and we sometimes just need to sit on the phone and laugh with each other for hours. I love her she's my girl.

Von called me yesterday and he and I are so compatible. I like him. he's not that cute, if I remember correctly but he's a really sweet guy.

My's dad called me last night talking about he wants to try to pick My up twice a week from now on. So that he can prove that he's a "responsible person" I don't know...I was suppsoed to call him this morning but somehow I forgot...... hummm....

Hernandez called me again this morning to tell me that he wanted me to have a blessed day. ...I'm not so sure if it made me feel all warm and fuzzy because I'm too busy feelin suspicious of him. Lord please take the crazy out of me.... LOL at myself.

I'm going to Halloween Hunt!!!!! NahNahNuhNahNuh!!