Showing posts with label Feeling Bitchy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Feeling Bitchy. Show all posts
Saturday, May 26, 2012
"Love was the former owner, but quiet is renting our house"
i really cant say why i stay.
there is absolutely no reason.
i think i am afraid to be alone. theres always that fear of "what if..."
thinking about what "people" will say. having to answer questions. having to delete pictures. starting over. explaining to MY.
the thing is I know if I don't do it now. i will be stuck.
I am so unhappy. and I don't remember when i stopped being happy.
so much stress on my shoulders.
how is it that i am in a relationship and yet so alone.
it wasn't always like this....I promise.
but there has always been an undertone of selfishness on his part.
he's very selfish. very immature. very unaware.
i love him. but he sucks my energy. he drains my energy.
the part of me that me me JANE is gone. I don't know where she went. I don't know how to get her back. i miss her soooooo much. I really really LOVED her. she was my bestfriend. and now she's gone. She didn't even leave me a note or a letter or a text message.
"And her name is me
And she loves me more than you'll ever know
And I finally see that
Loving you and loving me just don't seem to work at all
So patiently
She's waiting on me to tell you that she needs love
And to choose between you two
Boy you know if I have to choose I choose me"
-Tamia "Me"
Friday, May 25, 2012
Sick Day...
Today I stayed home from work... I have been battling a cold all week and finally my will gave way. I just couldn't take it any more....I needed a mental health day along with a day to take relax and focus on me..
Well....didn't quite happen that way...but this has become my life.
I never get to be the most important anything any more...ever....
My kid lied to me today. and my man...was basically his self...so that says a lot.
Well...Gotta go.
Monday, February 28, 2011
I am so tired...
So we’ve been together for three years.
Living together for about a year and a half….
Waking up next to each other.
Coming home to each other each day.
And just this morning…. I realized that he is not who he says he is.
He says his favorite color is brown….but I’ve never once seen him wear it or pick the color out anywhere.
He says his favorite Brand is Polo and yet he does not own a stitch of Polo.
He says he’s not shy and speaks his mind….and yet anytime we’re around people he doesn’t know he acts like a turtle.
He says he’s a “manly” man and yet I am the one with the hammer and screw driver hammering and nailing and replacing things and hauling and painting and doing EVERY DAMN THING.
He says he’s a hard worker and yet I have not one time in three years seen him work hard, on anything….not even our relationship.
I know some of these are petty. But I swear all together they are pushing me to an edge and I am about to jump. And by jump I mean break up with him. And by Break up with him I mean put him out of my house. And by put him out of my house I mean full scale “Waiting to exhale” Standing in the drive way smoking a cigarette…..
I attract a certain type of guy. And I thought he was not this guy. I though he was different….. I thought my pattern had been broken and I realize it has not been. I’ve been hoodwinked. Or maybe I am the cause. Maybe something about me says…please use me. Please get with me and then turn into a lazy slug….
The same damn shit all over again and it took me, this damn long, to fucken realize it.
This is my pattern: Working lose job, loose focus, become a slug…. Look at Janelle like she the one that has changed.
See, I can take care of my daughter and me. I got that all day, everyday. I can support she and I…. I do the best I can, work the hardest I can to make sure she and I are covered. I don’t need him to do that. I got that…..but here’s the thing…..if he’s supposed to be my MAN …. Why doesn’t he feel the need to help me with that?
I am soooo tired of waking up and his ass is fucken sleep. I leave the house and he’s still fucken sleep.
I come home and he’s in the bedroom in his underwear watching TV in a bad mood.
Now I can respect, you’re a man and you’re going through a slight depression because of the situation that you’re in… I get that. I understand that…. But what frustrates me is the lack of motivation… the lack of hustle….
As a matter fact….Where is your hustle? Did you leave it somewhere? SHIT find it… put it in your fucken pocket and get back on your grind.
I swear his lack of hustle is pushing me….
It’s unattractive…
It’s fucken ugly…
And I don’t think I can take it anymore.
I love this man. “From his hair follicle to his toe nails…love him in each and every way imaginable” but he is become so unattractive (not physically…cause I still think hes’ FIZINE) to me that I’m not sure …I want this anymore.
I feel cheated. Cheated out of a healthy relationship. Cheated out of an ADULT relationship. Instead I feel like his mom. … like I have a 30 year old son and I myself am 29.
I feel old , I’m getting fat (because I feel too tired to work out), my face is chubby and I’m becoming a hippopotamus again….. and I am just tired.
So very very tired. Too tired for my own good.
Living together for about a year and a half….
Waking up next to each other.
Coming home to each other each day.
And just this morning…. I realized that he is not who he says he is.
He says his favorite color is brown….but I’ve never once seen him wear it or pick the color out anywhere.
He says his favorite Brand is Polo and yet he does not own a stitch of Polo.
He says he’s not shy and speaks his mind….and yet anytime we’re around people he doesn’t know he acts like a turtle.
He says he’s a “manly” man and yet I am the one with the hammer and screw driver hammering and nailing and replacing things and hauling and painting and doing EVERY DAMN THING.
He says he’s a hard worker and yet I have not one time in three years seen him work hard, on anything….not even our relationship.
I know some of these are petty. But I swear all together they are pushing me to an edge and I am about to jump. And by jump I mean break up with him. And by Break up with him I mean put him out of my house. And by put him out of my house I mean full scale “Waiting to exhale” Standing in the drive way smoking a cigarette…..
I attract a certain type of guy. And I thought he was not this guy. I though he was different….. I thought my pattern had been broken and I realize it has not been. I’ve been hoodwinked. Or maybe I am the cause. Maybe something about me says…please use me. Please get with me and then turn into a lazy slug….
The same damn shit all over again and it took me, this damn long, to fucken realize it.
This is my pattern: Working lose job, loose focus, become a slug…. Look at Janelle like she the one that has changed.
See, I can take care of my daughter and me. I got that all day, everyday. I can support she and I…. I do the best I can, work the hardest I can to make sure she and I are covered. I don’t need him to do that. I got that…..but here’s the thing…..if he’s supposed to be my MAN …. Why doesn’t he feel the need to help me with that?
I am soooo tired of waking up and his ass is fucken sleep. I leave the house and he’s still fucken sleep.
I come home and he’s in the bedroom in his underwear watching TV in a bad mood.
Now I can respect, you’re a man and you’re going through a slight depression because of the situation that you’re in… I get that. I understand that…. But what frustrates me is the lack of motivation… the lack of hustle….
As a matter fact….Where is your hustle? Did you leave it somewhere? SHIT find it… put it in your fucken pocket and get back on your grind.
I swear his lack of hustle is pushing me….
It’s unattractive…
It’s fucken ugly…
And I don’t think I can take it anymore.
I love this man. “From his hair follicle to his toe nails…love him in each and every way imaginable” but he is become so unattractive (not physically…cause I still think hes’ FIZINE) to me that I’m not sure …I want this anymore.
I feel cheated. Cheated out of a healthy relationship. Cheated out of an ADULT relationship. Instead I feel like his mom. … like I have a 30 year old son and I myself am 29.
I feel old , I’m getting fat (because I feel too tired to work out), my face is chubby and I’m becoming a hippopotamus again….. and I am just tired.
So very very tired. Too tired for my own good.
Monday, October 20, 2008
grumble grumble
Friday morning my boss cussed me out, literally. I was in tears.
#1 She said that I hadn't sold any of this new generic drug called Galantamine HBr ER . It's for Alzhiemers.
#2 She bitched that I was on the internet when she walked by a couple of times.
#3 She bitched that my sales were low.
#4 She complained that I speak too loud.
#5 She said she was pissed that I only made 100 calls and answered 80.
******My Rebuttal******
#1a. No one uses brand name Razadyme why are the going to buy the generic?
Out of 8 people one rep sold 2 bottles!!!!
#2b. I was on the internet...my bad...matter of fact, I'm on the internet now. The thing is I can mulitask like nobodies business.... sorry to say it but I'm bored!!!
Pharmacies aren't spending $ right now. They are afraid to buy surplus in the economy that we are in. I will try to work on my internet use here at work or at least wait until she goes home at 4pm.
#3c. EVERYONES sales are low. duh! have you watched the news?! And the cold and flu season is starting uber late this year! should've started in September and yet we haven't had any major outbreaks of flu or cold!!! But she doesn't care... she prolly won't even mention that I'm at 73% of my average monthly total (with two weeks remaining in the month) which is 29thousand dollars more than my sales last month at this time and higher than any other rep!
I'm the black girl so that means I gets yelled at!
#4d. Yep. I speak too loud. Mind you, I am not friends with any of my co-workers. I barely like them...so anytime she hears me speaking it's to a customer....yet she tells me that she never hears me promoting sales... What!!! Sales are a $1 to $5 comission on each product! Of course I tell everyone EVEN the ones that are not my customers!!! WE need that extra $ in our pockets these days! How she think I earned that $1000 commission on one product? any hoo... I laughed at a customer and she says "Jane. you're too loud." I gave her KMA face and kept it pushing! I'm learning to hate her.
#5e. I only made 100 calls because I only have 80 accounts!!! what the hell!!! I answer 80 calls which is three times as much as anyone else here EVER answers ...on ANY given day! She doesnt' say a thing to homeboy who is blatantly working on his resume and talking to his wife. She doesn't say a peep to the other guy who is slanging any and everything over the phone to whoever he can (not work related)! gesssshhhh
Pray for me yall....Friday I had to plead with myself not to bitch slap her....
SIGH.... (yeah I talked to HR for the inappropriate language)
#1 She said that I hadn't sold any of this new generic drug called Galantamine HBr ER . It's for Alzhiemers.
#2 She bitched that I was on the internet when she walked by a couple of times.
#3 She bitched that my sales were low.
#4 She complained that I speak too loud.
#5 She said she was pissed that I only made 100 calls and answered 80.
******My Rebuttal******
#1a. No one uses brand name Razadyme why are the going to buy the generic?
Out of 8 people one rep sold 2 bottles!!!!
#2b. I was on the internet...my bad...matter of fact, I'm on the internet now. The thing is I can mulitask like nobodies business.... sorry to say it but I'm bored!!!
Pharmacies aren't spending $ right now. They are afraid to buy surplus in the economy that we are in. I will try to work on my internet use here at work or at least wait until she goes home at 4pm.
#3c. EVERYONES sales are low. duh! have you watched the news?! And the cold and flu season is starting uber late this year! should've started in September and yet we haven't had any major outbreaks of flu or cold!!! But she doesn't care... she prolly won't even mention that I'm at 73% of my average monthly total (with two weeks remaining in the month) which is 29thousand dollars more than my sales last month at this time and higher than any other rep!
I'm the black girl so that means I gets yelled at!
#4d. Yep. I speak too loud. Mind you, I am not friends with any of my co-workers. I barely like them...so anytime she hears me speaking it's to a customer....yet she tells me that she never hears me promoting sales... What!!! Sales are a $1 to $5 comission on each product! Of course I tell everyone EVEN the ones that are not my customers!!! WE need that extra $ in our pockets these days! How she think I earned that $1000 commission on one product? any hoo... I laughed at a customer and she says "Jane. you're too loud." I gave her KMA face and kept it pushing! I'm learning to hate her.
#5e. I only made 100 calls because I only have 80 accounts!!! what the hell!!! I answer 80 calls which is three times as much as anyone else here EVER answers ...on ANY given day! She doesnt' say a thing to homeboy who is blatantly working on his resume and talking to his wife. She doesn't say a peep to the other guy who is slanging any and everything over the phone to whoever he can (not work related)! gesssshhhh
Pray for me yall....Friday I had to plead with myself not to bitch slap her....
SIGH.... (yeah I talked to HR for the inappropriate language)
Friday, October 10, 2008
"Misregard" it.
One of my customers always says "Mis-regard it" when I tell her an item that she wants is out of stock...I want to slap her face for saying that ignorant ass shit! And why, when I try to correct her, she gets all butt hurt...yet she continues to say it?
Any who...this got me to thinking about what else aggrevates me..
- when people say "pacific" instead of "specific".
-when someone calls me and I say "oh, I was watching a movie" and they keep talking.
- when I answer the phone here at work and I say "XYZ Drug Company, Jane speaking" and the customer says "Who am I speaking to?"
- when my customers ask me questions about things they are holding in their hands!!!
- when customers want to order drugs without the item number or ndc number or manufacturer name and they can't spell or pronounce the drug name!!!! how stupid!
- when my customers have HORRIBLE ACCENTS and they know you can't understand them but they get an attitude when you don't know what the hell they're saying.
-when customers call and just start ordering stuff... they don't even say who they are or where they calling from! I answer 200 calls a day! IDONOT KNOWYOURVOICE!
-the fact that EVERY Freaking thing I love to read (other than blogs) are ACCESS DENIED at work! I can't even check my freaking email.
-my wisdom tooth feels like I'm giving birth from my mouth.
- when people beg you to do something, and then get mad when you ask for further details...I WILL NOT blindly commit to anything ANYMORE!
-the fact that I've peed 400 times today and I have to go again.
- when people talk about video games like they're real life.
-when my jeans give me muffin top.
-the girl in the cubicle across from me plays the SAME freaking radio station and they play the SAME songs at the SAME time everyday...it drives me postal.
-When hold music is that stupid song off the ice cream truck!! OMG I swear I could hurt someone because of that stupid song!
-When my neighbors boyfriend smokes in the stair well.
-When FRIDAYs go as slow as today has gone.
Any who...this got me to thinking about what else aggrevates me..
- when people say "pacific" instead of "specific".
-when someone calls me and I say "oh, I was watching a movie" and they keep talking.
- when I answer the phone here at work and I say "XYZ Drug Company, Jane speaking" and the customer says "Who am I speaking to?"
- when my customers ask me questions about things they are holding in their hands!!!
- when customers want to order drugs without the item number or ndc number or manufacturer name and they can't spell or pronounce the drug name!!!! how stupid!
- when my customers have HORRIBLE ACCENTS and they know you can't understand them but they get an attitude when you don't know what the hell they're saying.
-when customers call and just start ordering stuff... they don't even say who they are or where they calling from! I answer 200 calls a day! IDONOT KNOWYOURVOICE!
-the fact that EVERY Freaking thing I love to read (other than blogs) are ACCESS DENIED at work! I can't even check my freaking email.
-my wisdom tooth feels like I'm giving birth from my mouth.
- when people beg you to do something, and then get mad when you ask for further details...I WILL NOT blindly commit to anything ANYMORE!
-the fact that I've peed 400 times today and I have to go again.
- when people talk about video games like they're real life.
-when my jeans give me muffin top.
-the girl in the cubicle across from me plays the SAME freaking radio station and they play the SAME songs at the SAME time everyday...it drives me postal.
-When hold music is that stupid song off the ice cream truck!! OMG I swear I could hurt someone because of that stupid song!
-When my neighbors boyfriend smokes in the stair well.
-When FRIDAYs go as slow as today has gone.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
I need a hug.
1. I was driving to work and there was a water main break (due to the earthquake the other day and the water just broke through the surface this morning) all of us , intelligent people were driving slowly through the water as to not splash...when this ignorant old lady went speeding by splashing dark mud all across my freshly washed car!
Note: I did ignorantly cus her out at the next stop light...so much for keeping my cool.
2. This hair that I brought is deep wave and it was sooooo cute when I first got my hair done...it was bangalicious...This morning when I woke up it looked like a dreaded afro. So I combed it out and sprayed it with conditioner and it was cute and curly again....but it's turing into a big puffy afro...So I look like my hair is to big for my face.
3. I got my toes done last Friday and my French tips are starting to chip ALREADY!
4. I am feeling irritated with Vh1 and a text message he sent me yesterday....
5. I can't find a twin mattress and box spring, at a good price that also delivers... I want to surprise MY.
6. When I came home last night, I went out to my backyard to through out the trash and someone had stole MY's bike! Now the most effed up part of this...is that you have to have a key to get into my backyard, theres absolutely no other way to get back there) so that means it had to be one of my neighbors.
7. I don't have anymore Belvedre.
8. I've been bitten by the insomnia bug, so I took meds to get to sleep last night and I feel drowsy this morning.
9. My left wisdom tooth is KILLING me.
10. I didn't reach my quota this month at work...I only got 15 and I needed to do 25.
11. The edges of my hair are nappy cause I need a perm.
12. I need to wash clothes.
13. I have NO food in my kitchen...NONE at all!
14. I don't get paid till next Tuesday, so I am POOOOOOOR!
15. I miss my baby.
16. I think I have a ring worm....ok, not really but I do have a dry spot on my leg that is suspect.
17. My house is a mess.
18. My desk is currently a mess.
19. I'm hungry.
20. I don't have any more creamer.
21. My favorite bra tore.
On the positive side:
1. The annoying guy that sits be hind me isn't here today.
2. I have on new panties and a new shirt....always makes me feel special.
3. I stenciled My's name on her wall last night and it came out adroable!
4. I loved "So you think you can dance" last night....I still miss Will though.
5. I love Monica's new sony "U deserve"
6. I am enjoying the soothing sounds of Dwele singing to me...(through my radio here in my cubicle)
7. My eyebrows are effing perfect today.
8. I made it to work on time today.
9. Four days until my daughter comes home.
10. My commission check is still going to be fat even though I only got 15....
Note: I did ignorantly cus her out at the next stop light...so much for keeping my cool.
2. This hair that I brought is deep wave and it was sooooo cute when I first got my hair done...it was bangalicious...This morning when I woke up it looked like a dreaded afro. So I combed it out and sprayed it with conditioner and it was cute and curly again....but it's turing into a big puffy afro...So I look like my hair is to big for my face.
3. I got my toes done last Friday and my French tips are starting to chip ALREADY!
4. I am feeling irritated with Vh1 and a text message he sent me yesterday....
5. I can't find a twin mattress and box spring, at a good price that also delivers... I want to surprise MY.
6. When I came home last night, I went out to my backyard to through out the trash and someone had stole MY's bike! Now the most effed up part of this...is that you have to have a key to get into my backyard, theres absolutely no other way to get back there) so that means it had to be one of my neighbors.
7. I don't have anymore Belvedre.
8. I've been bitten by the insomnia bug, so I took meds to get to sleep last night and I feel drowsy this morning.
9. My left wisdom tooth is KILLING me.
10. I didn't reach my quota this month at work...I only got 15 and I needed to do 25.
11. The edges of my hair are nappy cause I need a perm.
12. I need to wash clothes.
13. I have NO food in my kitchen...NONE at all!
14. I don't get paid till next Tuesday, so I am POOOOOOOR!
15. I miss my baby.
16. I think I have a ring worm....ok, not really but I do have a dry spot on my leg that is suspect.
17. My house is a mess.
18. My desk is currently a mess.
19. I'm hungry.
20. I don't have any more creamer.
21. My favorite bra tore.
On the positive side:
1. The annoying guy that sits be hind me isn't here today.
2. I have on new panties and a new shirt....always makes me feel special.
3. I stenciled My's name on her wall last night and it came out adroable!
4. I loved "So you think you can dance" last night....I still miss Will though.
5. I love Monica's new sony "U deserve"
6. I am enjoying the soothing sounds of Dwele singing to me...(through my radio here in my cubicle)
7. My eyebrows are effing perfect today.
8. I made it to work on time today.
9. Four days until my daughter comes home.
10. My commission check is still going to be fat even though I only got 15....
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Thursday, May 01, 2008
rainbow sherbert mixed with pop rocks...
* yesterday each scoop of icecream at baskin robbins was 0.31 cent for a foundraiser. so me and my lil chica stood in line about 25 minutes to get us 10 scoops (that was the limit). the baskin robbins in my hood, it's right next to a bar/nightclub...
so MY and i we're standing there and out of the bar comes some chic, fully loaded, her old grey haired dude holding her up...
she reads a sign that says "buy one get one free" and then says to me:
"I know you ain't standing in line cause it's by one get one free?" She's drunk and staggering. I respond by rolling my eyes. A hispanic teenager, standing near me said "no, it's 31 cent a scoop".
The drunk bitch says, still speaking directly to me out of the 100 or so people standing; "well it better be unlimited cause otherwise just go get it from the grocery store."
She had an uppitty swagger to her. A real Good-hair-bad-hair attitude about herself.
I replied "It's for charity."
She says "umph! well write a check and call it a damn night. Forget standing in line....I don't stand in lines...especially for ice cream" she throws her hand up in the air, real drama queenish.
I say "stop fucking talking to me.."
It stunned her and her sugar daddy...
She stands there, mouth open looking at me... I say "Seriously, don't say another fucking word to me.. " Her daddy-aged date pulled her own down the walk way...
Black folks! learn to drink with out acting a damn ass!
inside the baskin robbins they were playing the music loud and the kids were running around excited about getting lots of ice cream for no reason. and some old crotchy ass black lady walks up to the clerk ringing folks up and says "can you turn the radio down?" The chic already irritated because it's way more people then they used to in the store says "why?" The old wench says "because it's too loud." The girl says "no." the old wench says "You don't think it's too loud?" The clerk says "I'm not turning it down." neck sweiveled and everything... I loved it.
*I don't want to cook and who can make me!!! oh yeah the law says I have to give my kid three squares a day...dayum! crykee!
*Why is this
so MY and i we're standing there and out of the bar comes some chic, fully loaded, her old grey haired dude holding her up...
she reads a sign that says "buy one get one free" and then says to me:
"I know you ain't standing in line cause it's by one get one free?" She's drunk and staggering. I respond by rolling my eyes. A hispanic teenager, standing near me said "no, it's 31 cent a scoop".
The drunk bitch says, still speaking directly to me out of the 100 or so people standing; "well it better be unlimited cause otherwise just go get it from the grocery store."
She had an uppitty swagger to her. A real Good-hair-bad-hair attitude about herself.
I replied "It's for charity."
She says "umph! well write a check and call it a damn night. Forget standing in line....I don't stand in lines...especially for ice cream" she throws her hand up in the air, real drama queenish.
I say "stop fucking talking to me.."
It stunned her and her sugar daddy...
She stands there, mouth open looking at me... I say "Seriously, don't say another fucking word to me.. " Her daddy-aged date pulled her own down the walk way...
Black folks! learn to drink with out acting a damn ass!
inside the baskin robbins they were playing the music loud and the kids were running around excited about getting lots of ice cream for no reason. and some old crotchy ass black lady walks up to the clerk ringing folks up and says "can you turn the radio down?" The chic already irritated because it's way more people then they used to in the store says "why?" The old wench says "because it's too loud." The girl says "no." the old wench says "You don't think it's too loud?" The clerk says "I'm not turning it down." neck sweiveled and everything... I loved it.
*I don't want to cook and who can make me!!! oh yeah the law says I have to give my kid three squares a day...dayum! crykee!
*Why is this
the only photo I took from my birthday party? I tried not to drink til the guest arrive...seems as if I may not have succeeded...?!
* my daughter asked me "what is hell?" I said "the opposite of heaven." she said "and heaven is where God lives." I said "yes". She said "so who lives in hell?" I said "The devil and people who disobey what God askes us to do." She says "like be nice?" I said "yes" and to not hurt people?" I said "yes" she says "I'm going to pray that God help me to be nice and not hurt people; because I want to live in heaven." WOW. I think she been here before.
*my neighbor is creepy as all hell... but his son is finer than a plate of yams with extra syrup..um um um.
* Why did I stay up until 12am watching R. Kelly's trapped in the closet? Why is the phrase: "crazier than a fish with titties" the funniest thing I've ever heard?
*Why did I watch Ashanti's video on mute yesterday because I wanted to see what happened but I didn't want to hear her?"
* Eric where are you?
*THE GAME!!! please tell me yall watch this?! this is the best show ever! so much drama...loves it!
*I pray that all my blogger friends be nice and dont hurt other people....peaches!
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
My Dreams are Haunting me again.
Mid-post yesterday, I got a blow to the stomach.
Some other news that threw me right on back into my black hole. sigh... I am simply on the verge of giving up on life in general. I won't don't worry...I'm beyond taking the entire bottle of motrin....at least I think I am....sigh. In the words of Ghetto Boys "I gotta little girl to look after, and if I die than my child will be a bastard". Not Bastard in the literal sense. But still all alone.
Well here's some other freaky stuff going on......
I had a dream that I was at home in my bedroom. I got up and I went into my purse to get my paycheck and it was for $400 less then it was supposed to be. I was pissed. There was some woman doing like a voice over in my dream saying "well, that’s what you get."
*The next day, I got a letter saying that they will be starting a 15% garnishment of my wages.
I had a dream that all my teeth on the lower left side of my mouth fell out and that in their place there was metal spikes sticking out.
* That morning my tire was on flat. There was a nail in it.
I had a dream that I was driving a car with no headlights in the dark. I was unaware that the headlights weren’t working. Other people could see but not me. Yet no one told me.
* Yesterday, I called my grandmother so that my daughter could do an April Fool’s Joke on her and my grandmother tells me "oh, I got a letter about a week ago in the mail that says you have an arrest warrant for $2000 for a traffic ticket from 2004. I forgot to call and tell you."
Some other news that threw me right on back into my black hole. sigh... I am simply on the verge of giving up on life in general. I won't don't worry...I'm beyond taking the entire bottle of motrin....at least I think I am....sigh. In the words of Ghetto Boys "I gotta little girl to look after, and if I die than my child will be a bastard". Not Bastard in the literal sense. But still all alone.
Well here's some other freaky stuff going on......
I had a dream that I was at home in my bedroom. I got up and I went into my purse to get my paycheck and it was for $400 less then it was supposed to be. I was pissed. There was some woman doing like a voice over in my dream saying "well, that’s what you get."
*The next day, I got a letter saying that they will be starting a 15% garnishment of my wages.
I had a dream that all my teeth on the lower left side of my mouth fell out and that in their place there was metal spikes sticking out.
* That morning my tire was on flat. There was a nail in it.
I had a dream that I was driving a car with no headlights in the dark. I was unaware that the headlights weren’t working. Other people could see but not me. Yet no one told me.
* Yesterday, I called my grandmother so that my daughter could do an April Fool’s Joke on her and my grandmother tells me "oh, I got a letter about a week ago in the mail that says you have an arrest warrant for $2000 for a traffic ticket from 2004. I forgot to call and tell you."
Monday, March 31, 2008
Things I'm not supposed to say.
There are times when I wish I could get in my car and drive away from it all! My job. My apartment. My life. singleparenthood. California. Inglewood. Carson. Just get away from this fucking neverending cycle that I call my life. Wish I could climb my way out this valley. The mud is just too slippery. Everytime I get a grip I just slide right back into this same shit. Same muck. thick ass mud. I built a house in flood lands. I'm standing here looking at it get washed away.
I wish I could just get on the 10 fwy South and Just go. South America?!. Leave everything. fuck it. Just drive until there's simply nowhere else to drive. Once I got where I ended up I'd just get out my car and stand there in silence and wait. Wait for whatever is next. I'd just stand there and wait until whatever happened.
I get so sick of the regularity of life sometimes. These catagories I'm supposed to fit in. Daughter. Mom. Sister. Friend. Cousin. Employee. Christian. Single. Engaged. Law obiding. Truthful. Honest. Kind. Sweet. Who the fuck decided that I always have to be sweet?
I am tired of being a singlemom. Tired of being the responsible one. He gets to not have a job, no apartment, no possessions (expect what he got when he was with me) and only see his child when he feels like it. Lay around all fucking day with no goals and no future and I HAVE TO have a plan. I HAVE TO go to work. I HAVE TO.
SHIT! I'm tired. I never get a fucking break. 7 days a week. 24 hours a day I am someones mom. I am never just JANE anymore. No one told me I would never just be me anymore. I swear I am going to loose me. scratch that...I am loosing me. I don't remember JANE anymore?!. I mean I do but it's like I just read about her she's this character in some story somewhere...I'm not still her. So much I remember about me that I am not anymore.
There are times when my daughter's personality and mine do not mix. She's a star gazer looking at the world through rose colored glasses, seeing everything and everyplace for the first time. She likes to turn every fucking thing into a game. Imagine that the every walk is a race. Every piece of fabric was left by a princesses dress. Every bit of the world is a fairy tale. For her it's fine. but when I'm fifteen minutes late already I JUST DONT HAVE TIME TO LISTEN! I don't want to know that those cotton balls I dropped in the bathroom look like a "happy little bunny"!
The co-worker that sits behind me is a fuckingidiot. God had a meeting on a cloud one day and the biggest idiot fell down into the cubicle behind me. OMG I want to peel his skin off! He agrevates me to the 99th pissitvity. The next time he goes on a rampage about Obama's face I'm going to spit on him......that's why I coughed on his telephone and keyboard when he went to lunch.
I am tired of being lonely. It's an un-intimate lonely. I Have friends. I have church friends. I have friends I can cry to. I have friends I can gossip too I have catch a cup of coffee friends. I even have just sit and look at the sun set friends. I have family. I have an intimate detailed relationship with Christ. I love myself. I have goals and beliefs and values but I feel like I'm missing something. An intimacy...a closeness... Am I? Am I missing out on somehting?
I hate people who don't speak English and get an attitude when you don't understand what they are saying.
I fucking hate when people tell me that I'm "pretty for a dark skin girl" Who the fuck decided that there's only one form of pretty? Fuck you.
And who is he to think that knows something bout me? He is not a part of my REAL life. He's a part of the life I allow him to see. The part that I let him believe in. The part I allow him to think he's apart of...shit that's what the fuck he does for me. For him to believe he knows me enought to make comment on JANE?! That shit takes NUTS! A lotta fucking nuts! And from a man who can't hold his nut for three minutes I'm supposed to learn about patience! That's why I don't call you!
I hate when I smile and say hello and bitches scrunch up their fucking faces... Bitch the sun is shinning take a shit and have a good day once in a while! ARGGH..
Where is everybodying getting money for brand new cars these days. EVERYFUCKINPERSON in Inglewoood has a brand new car but me?! I work 96 hours a paycheck and I ain't got a new car?! Somebody tell me what I don't know?!
Just cause I bring up the fact that you used to work at the burger spot that we are eating at does not mean I'm hating on you bitch! We're eating at the fucking place... Stop fucking hiding from your past and you wouldn't have to shush me when I bring shit up!
Sigh... now that I got that off my chest.... I feel much much better... debate with me if you want to...I don't care...
OHHSA.
I wish I could just get on the 10 fwy South and Just go. South America?!. Leave everything. fuck it. Just drive until there's simply nowhere else to drive. Once I got where I ended up I'd just get out my car and stand there in silence and wait. Wait for whatever is next. I'd just stand there and wait until whatever happened.
I get so sick of the regularity of life sometimes. These catagories I'm supposed to fit in. Daughter. Mom. Sister. Friend. Cousin. Employee. Christian. Single. Engaged. Law obiding. Truthful. Honest. Kind. Sweet. Who the fuck decided that I always have to be sweet?
I am tired of being a singlemom. Tired of being the responsible one. He gets to not have a job, no apartment, no possessions (expect what he got when he was with me) and only see his child when he feels like it. Lay around all fucking day with no goals and no future and I HAVE TO have a plan. I HAVE TO go to work. I HAVE TO.
SHIT! I'm tired. I never get a fucking break. 7 days a week. 24 hours a day I am someones mom. I am never just JANE anymore. No one told me I would never just be me anymore. I swear I am going to loose me. scratch that...I am loosing me. I don't remember JANE anymore?!. I mean I do but it's like I just read about her she's this character in some story somewhere...I'm not still her. So much I remember about me that I am not anymore.
There are times when my daughter's personality and mine do not mix. She's a star gazer looking at the world through rose colored glasses, seeing everything and everyplace for the first time. She likes to turn every fucking thing into a game. Imagine that the every walk is a race. Every piece of fabric was left by a princesses dress. Every bit of the world is a fairy tale. For her it's fine. but when I'm fifteen minutes late already I JUST DONT HAVE TIME TO LISTEN! I don't want to know that those cotton balls I dropped in the bathroom look like a "happy little bunny"!
The co-worker that sits behind me is a fuckingidiot. God had a meeting on a cloud one day and the biggest idiot fell down into the cubicle behind me. OMG I want to peel his skin off! He agrevates me to the 99th pissitvity. The next time he goes on a rampage about Obama's face I'm going to spit on him......that's why I coughed on his telephone and keyboard when he went to lunch.
I am tired of being lonely. It's an un-intimate lonely. I Have friends. I have church friends. I have friends I can cry to. I have friends I can gossip too I have catch a cup of coffee friends. I even have just sit and look at the sun set friends. I have family. I have an intimate detailed relationship with Christ. I love myself. I have goals and beliefs and values but I feel like I'm missing something. An intimacy...a closeness... Am I? Am I missing out on somehting?
I hate people who don't speak English and get an attitude when you don't understand what they are saying.
I fucking hate when people tell me that I'm "pretty for a dark skin girl" Who the fuck decided that there's only one form of pretty? Fuck you.
And who is he to think that knows something bout me? He is not a part of my REAL life. He's a part of the life I allow him to see. The part that I let him believe in. The part I allow him to think he's apart of...shit that's what the fuck he does for me. For him to believe he knows me enought to make comment on JANE?! That shit takes NUTS! A lotta fucking nuts! And from a man who can't hold his nut for three minutes I'm supposed to learn about patience! That's why I don't call you!
I hate when I smile and say hello and bitches scrunch up their fucking faces... Bitch the sun is shinning take a shit and have a good day once in a while! ARGGH..
Where is everybodying getting money for brand new cars these days. EVERYFUCKINPERSON in Inglewoood has a brand new car but me?! I work 96 hours a paycheck and I ain't got a new car?! Somebody tell me what I don't know?!
Just cause I bring up the fact that you used to work at the burger spot that we are eating at does not mean I'm hating on you bitch! We're eating at the fucking place... Stop fucking hiding from your past and you wouldn't have to shush me when I bring shit up!
Sigh... now that I got that off my chest.... I feel much much better... debate with me if you want to...I don't care...
OHHSA.
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
Opinions are like assholes.
I use the “Opinions are like assholes” ideology when I discuss the sensitive subjects at work. It’s not that I am afraid to express my opinions. I have strong opinions about religion, politics, environment, economics, ethics, abortion, welfare and so many other issues that face our fair earth.
Before I voted today, in our Super Tuesday Election, I researched and I read about the issues. Not just who I would vote for, to eventually run for president, but about the Indian gaming laws and the cost per unit for Community Colleges….
I understand that as a Black woman in America our rights are so young. I represent the group of Americans that have had the right to vote in the least amount of elections
It’s just in my workplace, I just choose to avoid these conversations. I feel that I am to educated and to aware to allow myself to get into heated conversations with loud mouth metro-sexual co-workers about why he “just doesn’t like the sound of Obama’s voice”.
I choose not to put my self in a situation where I’m arguing with a fool. Cause you know what the say, from a distance you can’t tell which is which.
Before I voted today, in our Super Tuesday Election, I researched and I read about the issues. Not just who I would vote for, to eventually run for president, but about the Indian gaming laws and the cost per unit for Community Colleges….
I understand that as a Black woman in America our rights are so young. I represent the group of Americans that have had the right to vote in the least amount of elections
It’s just in my workplace, I just choose to avoid these conversations. I feel that I am to educated and to aware to allow myself to get into heated conversations with loud mouth metro-sexual co-workers about why he “just doesn’t like the sound of Obama’s voice”.
I choose not to put my self in a situation where I’m arguing with a fool. Cause you know what the say, from a distance you can’t tell which is which.
Monday, February 04, 2008
My Weekend.
Friday.
Went to rehearsal with Stace. It was nice. Got home around 10.
No call from Barbershop. No response to my text that I sent him.
Saturday.
Had the worst headache ever. Got a phone call from Flores asking me to ditch my party that I was going to for Super Bowl, and hang with him. I wanted to spend Super Bowl yelling a big screen surrounded by drunk, rowdy, Black people. But against my own best judgement I conformed to his will. I agreed to ditch the party and spend Sunday with him. I never wanted to be that type of girl. I hate that I choose to do that too.
Went to the market and brought snacks for MY and I. No Call from Barbershop.
Sunday.
Got dressed. Got a text from Barbershop finally: "Damn I miss you." I laugh at the audacity of his message. I haven’t seen him in a damn month. SO I respond: "Have you been drinking already?" He writes back "Not at all but wow." Uneasy feelings muster in my belly over my lack of strong….shit any feelings for him. I’ve decided to let him alone.
Went to my friend’s house that was having the Super Bowl party two hours before the game started. Stayed there until just before the game began. Dreaded leaving. Didn’t want to leave. Dragged My out kicking and screaming. But I left. Felt a horrible chill about it. But left anyway. Went back home. Flores was sitting on my front steps with flowers and wine coolers. I still felt regretful. I wanted to go back to the party. I went upstairs. Began watching the game. Flores ordered pizza. Flores played with MY, doing magic tricks for her and playing dress up with her. I still wished I would’ve stayed at the party. MY comes out the room sits next to Flores and says "Mommy, you should marry him. You really should." I laugh uncomfortably. Then I tell her "MY, who’s mommy’s husband?" She says "The man on the Target commercial." (John Legend) I say "Mommy, can marry Flores, she’s already married." We all laughed uncomfortably. I still wished I’d stayed at the party. Game ended. No perfect season. He won $10. There was still such and uncomfortable aura that lingered. He had to go to work. I walked him to the door. He grabbed my face softly and turned my head to the side and whispered to me "sorry for ruining your day." Kissed my cheek and left. I guess I couldn’t hide my discontent as well as I thought I could.
Lesson Learned: Never compromise yourself.
Went to rehearsal with Stace. It was nice. Got home around 10.
No call from Barbershop. No response to my text that I sent him.
Saturday.
Had the worst headache ever. Got a phone call from Flores asking me to ditch my party that I was going to for Super Bowl, and hang with him. I wanted to spend Super Bowl yelling a big screen surrounded by drunk, rowdy, Black people. But against my own best judgement I conformed to his will. I agreed to ditch the party and spend Sunday with him. I never wanted to be that type of girl. I hate that I choose to do that too.
Went to the market and brought snacks for MY and I. No Call from Barbershop.
Sunday.
Got dressed. Got a text from Barbershop finally: "Damn I miss you." I laugh at the audacity of his message. I haven’t seen him in a damn month. SO I respond: "Have you been drinking already?" He writes back "Not at all but wow." Uneasy feelings muster in my belly over my lack of strong….shit any feelings for him. I’ve decided to let him alone.
Went to my friend’s house that was having the Super Bowl party two hours before the game started. Stayed there until just before the game began. Dreaded leaving. Didn’t want to leave. Dragged My out kicking and screaming. But I left. Felt a horrible chill about it. But left anyway. Went back home. Flores was sitting on my front steps with flowers and wine coolers. I still felt regretful. I wanted to go back to the party. I went upstairs. Began watching the game. Flores ordered pizza. Flores played with MY, doing magic tricks for her and playing dress up with her. I still wished I would’ve stayed at the party. MY comes out the room sits next to Flores and says "Mommy, you should marry him. You really should." I laugh uncomfortably. Then I tell her "MY, who’s mommy’s husband?" She says "The man on the Target commercial." (John Legend) I say "Mommy, can marry Flores, she’s already married." We all laughed uncomfortably. I still wished I’d stayed at the party. Game ended. No perfect season. He won $10. There was still such and uncomfortable aura that lingered. He had to go to work. I walked him to the door. He grabbed my face softly and turned my head to the side and whispered to me "sorry for ruining your day." Kissed my cheek and left. I guess I couldn’t hide my discontent as well as I thought I could.
Lesson Learned: Never compromise yourself.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
fuck anger. i'm beyond done.
bigsis is pregnant. her boyfriend has moved in with her. she's getting married in 2009.
wow, big news. great news. wonderful news. right?
did i hear it from my flesh and blood sister's own mouth? no.
had to hear it through the mutha fucken grape vine. had to hear it from a second hand source. spoke to bigsis this morning. went to bigsis's house this afternoon.
did she say a fucken thing to me? no.
did she mention anything after i accidentally on purpose tripped over her bf's clothes? no.
did she say shit to me? no.
i am so fucken mad right now, i don't even have words.
you're doing life changing shit and you don't even want to share the shit with me?
our relationship is over.
i'm closing the chapter on trying to have a realtionship with her.
for those of you that have traditional relationships with your siblings, you're prolly reading and thinking...oooo they'll be friends next week... naw... let me air my families dirty laundry and explain to you why i'm fucken done...for good:
my mom met, fell in love and got pregnant by a 25 year old guy when she was16.
they went through a heated custody battle after the big sis was born(ie. stealing her from each other and all types of crap). finally my mom gave up. let him take her.
moms finished school. went to college. started working as an editor and got transfer to chicago, il.
by now bigsis was seven, still living wit her dad. being fed half truths of our mom and her sorted issues. living an extremely sheltered and catered to life.
moms met a dude, got married and had a baby, me. divorced, quit her job moved back to cali.
flash foward. after many more marraiges, many in the middle of the night moves, many elementary school changes, many states...
1989we ended up in Cali again for good. 3rd grade for me. 10th grade for bigsis.
1991 we moved in together. for the first time the three of us. horrible situation. the two of us hardly had a bedroom. the man mom was still married to found us. the restraining order didn't do its trick (this was way before oj) . bigsis went back to her dads. me and mom back on the run. trial and case. he ended up in jail for 5 years.
late 91 mom met larry. the first man to ever show me how i should be treated.
93 bigsis followed moms footprints, another pregnant teen. finally the two of them had something to bond over. finally they had a relationship.
00 larry and mom divorce.
02 larry dies. MY is born. bigsis and i have something to bond over.
03 mom ditches both of us. moves to florida and marries someone new.
now through these years i grew up the friendly say what the hell i want to say get in trouble fuckit outgoing wild child one. bigsis the reserved hold it all in quiet one; because of this our family overcompensates. feels i need the extra pats on the back, the extra support the cards and extra $. moms does to feels sorry for the shit i saw before i was old enough to know what it was.
bigsis hold it all against me.
no matter how i try to kiss ass to squeeze in and have the type of relationship i think we're supposed to have. the more she lets me know she's still gotta grudge.
at 26. in 2008. after this shit. i finally say fuck it.
wow, big news. great news. wonderful news. right?
did i hear it from my flesh and blood sister's own mouth? no.
had to hear it through the mutha fucken grape vine. had to hear it from a second hand source. spoke to bigsis this morning. went to bigsis's house this afternoon.
did she say a fucken thing to me? no.
did she mention anything after i accidentally on purpose tripped over her bf's clothes? no.
did she say shit to me? no.
i am so fucken mad right now, i don't even have words.
you're doing life changing shit and you don't even want to share the shit with me?
our relationship is over.
i'm closing the chapter on trying to have a realtionship with her.
for those of you that have traditional relationships with your siblings, you're prolly reading and thinking...oooo they'll be friends next week... naw... let me air my families dirty laundry and explain to you why i'm fucken done...for good:
my mom met, fell in love and got pregnant by a 25 year old guy when she was16.
they went through a heated custody battle after the big sis was born(ie. stealing her from each other and all types of crap). finally my mom gave up. let him take her.
moms finished school. went to college. started working as an editor and got transfer to chicago, il.
by now bigsis was seven, still living wit her dad. being fed half truths of our mom and her sorted issues. living an extremely sheltered and catered to life.
moms met a dude, got married and had a baby, me. divorced, quit her job moved back to cali.
flash foward. after many more marraiges, many in the middle of the night moves, many elementary school changes, many states...
1989we ended up in Cali again for good. 3rd grade for me. 10th grade for bigsis.
1991 we moved in together. for the first time the three of us. horrible situation. the two of us hardly had a bedroom. the man mom was still married to found us. the restraining order didn't do its trick (this was way before oj) . bigsis went back to her dads. me and mom back on the run. trial and case. he ended up in jail for 5 years.
late 91 mom met larry. the first man to ever show me how i should be treated.
93 bigsis followed moms footprints, another pregnant teen. finally the two of them had something to bond over. finally they had a relationship.
00 larry and mom divorce.
02 larry dies. MY is born. bigsis and i have something to bond over.
03 mom ditches both of us. moves to florida and marries someone new.
now through these years i grew up the friendly say what the hell i want to say get in trouble fuckit outgoing wild child one. bigsis the reserved hold it all in quiet one; because of this our family overcompensates. feels i need the extra pats on the back, the extra support the cards and extra $. moms does to feels sorry for the shit i saw before i was old enough to know what it was.
bigsis hold it all against me.
no matter how i try to kiss ass to squeeze in and have the type of relationship i think we're supposed to have. the more she lets me know she's still gotta grudge.
at 26. in 2008. after this shit. i finally say fuck it.
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
To Scrooge or not to Scrooge...
Monday- Work…
My plan was to take MY’s bike (that Santa brought her) to the bike shop around the corner to be put together go over my sister’s and bake cookies and in the morning drive out to my aunt’s in Lancaster. But I spoke with my sister and she told me that she’s not baking cookies any more she’s going out to my uncles in Fontana. So I figured I’d go out to my uncles in Fontana and forget about my aunt’s in Lancaster.
SOOOO, I decided to drive all the way out to Fontana (one hour and 15 minutes) to my crazy uncle Wiz's house.
My aunt from Lancaster, that I used to say is becoming the family drunk but now I know is officially the family drunk, was there. She was drunk. As soon as I walked in the door, she tells me “J you’re fat. Yeah you’re getting fat.” I say “No I’m not. I’m the same 140 pounds that I’ve weighed all year long.” My fat drunk aunt starts yelling “no, you’re fat. You know what, you must be pregnant.” I say “unless there’s such a thing as instant pregnant I’m not pregnant.” She begins going on and on in a five minute dissertation on how fat she thinks I am. I got so fucken angry. I tried ignoring her but I couldn’t. I ended up having to tell her to “stop talking to me.” I would have went home but my uncle (fat auntie's husband) was sitting on my jacket. My crazy uncle wiz, ended up telling my fat drunk aunt that she needed to shut up or else he’d put her ass out of his house.
I sang a round of karaoke with my sister and crazy uncle wiz. Then I had to leave. Had to get away from my fat drunk aunt who keep tryna continue talking to me after I told her to leave me the hell alone.
Today- MY and I woke up around 9 and opened the gifts.
Today- MY and I woke up around 9 and opened the gifts.
I had tried putting My’s bike together myself, late last night early this morning, but I wasn’t strong enough to unscrew the handlebars so I ended up funken up the nut that screws on, so the whole bike is together cept the handlebars.
My plan for the day was to stay home and get someone to fix her bike so that she could she ride it and I could lay on the couch and watch movies after I took my daughter by her dad’s people.
My sister again and her boyfriend invited us to go to his dad’s house. I turned them down. They called back and asked us to come with them again. I figured “hey why not, get some food” I asked what time, they tell me 4. My sisters boyfriend says he’ll come fix mya’s handlebars on the way to his dad’s, I say ok.
My plan for the day was to stay home and get someone to fix her bike so that she could she ride it and I could lay on the couch and watch movies after I took my daughter by her dad’s people.
My sister again and her boyfriend invited us to go to his dad’s house. I turned them down. They called back and asked us to come with them again. I figured “hey why not, get some food” I asked what time, they tell me 4. My sisters boyfriend says he’ll come fix mya’s handlebars on the way to his dad’s, I say ok.
I take My to her dad’s grandmother’s house to get gifts from his family…. Oh… have I got a story to tell about my ragedy ass baby daddy. At his grandmother’s house, of whom he’s not invited to, all of his damn cousins are there. All are now married. All have brand new babies and cars. Sighhhh.
Well we stay for just a minute because we’re supposed to go to my sisters boyfriends fathers’ house at 4 and it was 3:30.
Well we stay for just a minute because we’re supposed to go to my sisters boyfriends fathers’ house at 4 and it was 3:30.
SO we rush home to meet up wit my sisters boyfriend so that he can fix My’s bike. He says that I messed up the outside of the nut and that he has to use another type of tool to fix the bike. So he’d have to take it and bring it to me tomorrow. He then says that he still has to go home get dressed go back to my sisters and then go to his parents.
I ponder on whether I should just stay home, like I planned, but I convinced myself to go. At 5:30 my sister calls me to say they’re leaving to go his dad’s (one and a half hours late) So, I say ok, are you guys still coming here first so that I can follow you like we planned. She says oh just meet us there. I write down the address, then she says oh, my cellphone isn’t working so use my boyfriends. I hate bootleg shit...
I get to the house of the home of people I do not know on Christmas and I call my sister’s boyfriends phone and he does not answer. So I now have to go to the door of the house that I’ve never been to. A man I’ve never met opens the door.
I get to the house of the home of people I do not know on Christmas and I call my sister’s boyfriends phone and he does not answer. So I now have to go to the door of the house that I’ve never been to. A man I’ve never met opens the door.
I say, we’re friends of my sisters boyfriend and the dad is looking at s like ok and…. He says ok then what’s your name? I say Jen. He lets us in we’re just standing there finally my sister’s boyfriend comes out. Everyone’s just standing there I say hello and no one really reacts. I say where’s my sister? And he says oh, she’s in the other room. I go into the other room say hello, no one really responds. I go to where my sister is sitting and I tell her that I don’t appreciate the bootleggedness of this all. She laughs.
Then her boyfriend, keys in hand, says “come lets go.” I’m already feeling like I shouldn’t be there and then they tell me they are leaving. My sister tries to straighten it out with the I’m just going around the corner crap. I call my nephew and ask him to get MY for me. My sister and her boyfriend then begin fixing us plates and trying to convince us to stay. I was so pissed I didn’t even want anything to eat. Matter of fact I shouldn’t even went. I was really angry and just wanted to go home. And that’s what I did.
Now, I’m home eating chocolate cake and drinking hot cocoa. I need to remind myself to do only what I want to do.
Now, I’m home eating chocolate cake and drinking hot cocoa. I need to remind myself to do only what I want to do.
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
"so, i like what i see when i'm looking at me when i'm walking pass the mirror"
isn't that just the best line out of a song in all 2007? i'ma make that my theme song for the first part of 2008 ("living my life like it's golden" by jill scott and "real love" by mary j. blige were the themes for 2007).
any who...back to my lists.... that i've grown to love so much.
1. since when is 33 an age to die of natural causes? i don't know about the rest of the country but the so.cal news is putting it on blast that pimp c died... everytime i turn on the news i hear serious newscasters speaking to a soundtrack of "big pimpin"
2. i got a fucken red-light camera ticket. now please tell me why is it $381? where is that money going to come from? i refuse to use my christmas bonus on a damn ticket!
3. one of my customers refuses to call me by my name he will only call me "donald".... i have the voice of mechl'le and he's calling me donald....you prolly already know english is his second language.
4. fls, baby momma need to be slapped. i know they had drama in the past... but shit girl, let the man see his son. the judge ordered that she must fly the boy out here every other weekend. he know that aint happening. they both prolly gon go broke.... sigh.
5. my daughter's father (i refuse, i'm pretty defiant today, to say baby daddy...this time) called my five year old daughter the morning of her birthday to say "oh, daddy ordered your shoes late so they won't be ready till next week." (I wish yall could hear the voice i use when i'm imitating him...hilarious!) MY says "oooohhhh, not againnnnn daddy... nex week is not my birfday." then she hung up the phone. ha! i didn't have to get on the phone...i think she handled it pretty damn well if you asked me.
6. i don't have cable; but my daughter's god mother brought her a tv for her birthday. my daughter came to me the other night pissed off cause she couldn't understand why we didn't have more channels. i told her "mommy can't afford more channels" thinking she'd skip over the meaning of "afford". she tells me "mommy, we got to get you some money." ha! the kid is gold!
7. my hair needs to be done. i'm still fine though. it's just dryyyyy like the dessert sands...
8. my job allows us to buy over-the-counter products and medical devices and such through our ordering system for wholesale price (I just brought 48 rolls of toliet paper for $10) and then takes it out of our checks a little at a time (like 20 a check). i'm thinking everyone on my christmas list is going to be getting products from our catalog:
-grandma- a new folding cane with roses on it and a flashlight at the bottom
- step dad- a new sleep apnea machine
-bigsis- a new stethescope (she's in school to be an rn)
-MY's teacher- a humidifer (they're on sale for 1.25)
lol.... ha!
9. i talked to crazyc, i put this at the bottom at the hopes no one would read this far and see that i slipped back...told yall he's like a crack addiction, we chatted a bit about things. told him i wasn't happy and that he need to "straighten up and fly right". he came by and we talked more. why did i let him in my door? why lord? pray about it for me... he's not got change. he's still him. so pray that god can change me. make me want somehting elese. crazyc will always be the asshole to end all assholes.... lol...lol why is that so funny to me?
10. i was in a rush this morning, had to take my shower throw on my clothes and run. when i got home and took off my boots, why are my legs so ashy they look like i been jumpin in flour all day? like i just got off a plane from africa?
11. this weather out here is damn fool... 82 degrees in the day and 42 at night don't make not damn sense.
12. im not one to let stress affect my body...but my feet are swollen, i got the gas, skin is dry and my back hurts (sounds like pregnancy huh? naw, that's not it...lol...i'd be a damn crazy fool if that was it. be making appointments at medical buildings that have protestors out side, if that was it. i can't pay a ticket how am i gon support another kid... that's the reason I pop a Orthotricyclen Lo everymorning at 845 and if i do get a little somethin somethin happening- i supply the contraceptives (crazyc been tryna make a little boy wit me for years... and aint no body trappin me) humph! humping or not ain't tryna hav no lil people growing in me!...I must've touched a sore spot because i'm way off subject...forget. must've not been too important.
13. saw my home boy brandon adams at the ladera ctr. still thinking he fly. had to give him the "you-ain't-been-fly-since-you-made-that-movie-people-under-the-stairs-or-imitated-michael-jackson-in-the-i'm-bad-video" look. when we were in high school, this fool paid extra money every month so his number could have double 0-7 in it...retart.
14. santa claus is coming, so you better be nice...he's sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake....for goodness sake! he's a perv...
any who...back to my lists.... that i've grown to love so much.
1. since when is 33 an age to die of natural causes? i don't know about the rest of the country but the so.cal news is putting it on blast that pimp c died... everytime i turn on the news i hear serious newscasters speaking to a soundtrack of "big pimpin"
2. i got a fucken red-light camera ticket. now please tell me why is it $381? where is that money going to come from? i refuse to use my christmas bonus on a damn ticket!
3. one of my customers refuses to call me by my name he will only call me "donald".... i have the voice of mechl'le and he's calling me donald....you prolly already know english is his second language.
4. fls, baby momma need to be slapped. i know they had drama in the past... but shit girl, let the man see his son. the judge ordered that she must fly the boy out here every other weekend. he know that aint happening. they both prolly gon go broke.... sigh.
5. my daughter's father (i refuse, i'm pretty defiant today, to say baby daddy...this time) called my five year old daughter the morning of her birthday to say "oh, daddy ordered your shoes late so they won't be ready till next week." (I wish yall could hear the voice i use when i'm imitating him...hilarious!) MY says "oooohhhh, not againnnnn daddy... nex week is not my birfday." then she hung up the phone. ha! i didn't have to get on the phone...i think she handled it pretty damn well if you asked me.
6. i don't have cable; but my daughter's god mother brought her a tv for her birthday. my daughter came to me the other night pissed off cause she couldn't understand why we didn't have more channels. i told her "mommy can't afford more channels" thinking she'd skip over the meaning of "afford". she tells me "mommy, we got to get you some money." ha! the kid is gold!
7. my hair needs to be done. i'm still fine though. it's just dryyyyy like the dessert sands...
8. my job allows us to buy over-the-counter products and medical devices and such through our ordering system for wholesale price (I just brought 48 rolls of toliet paper for $10) and then takes it out of our checks a little at a time (like 20 a check). i'm thinking everyone on my christmas list is going to be getting products from our catalog:
-grandma- a new folding cane with roses on it and a flashlight at the bottom
- step dad- a new sleep apnea machine
-bigsis- a new stethescope (she's in school to be an rn)
-MY's teacher- a humidifer (they're on sale for 1.25)
lol.... ha!
9. i talked to crazyc, i put this at the bottom at the hopes no one would read this far and see that i slipped back...told yall he's like a crack addiction, we chatted a bit about things. told him i wasn't happy and that he need to "straighten up and fly right". he came by and we talked more. why did i let him in my door? why lord? pray about it for me... he's not got change. he's still him. so pray that god can change me. make me want somehting elese. crazyc will always be the asshole to end all assholes.... lol...lol why is that so funny to me?
10. i was in a rush this morning, had to take my shower throw on my clothes and run. when i got home and took off my boots, why are my legs so ashy they look like i been jumpin in flour all day? like i just got off a plane from africa?
11. this weather out here is damn fool... 82 degrees in the day and 42 at night don't make not damn sense.
12. im not one to let stress affect my body...but my feet are swollen, i got the gas, skin is dry and my back hurts (sounds like pregnancy huh? naw, that's not it...lol...i'd be a damn crazy fool if that was it. be making appointments at medical buildings that have protestors out side, if that was it. i can't pay a ticket how am i gon support another kid... that's the reason I pop a Orthotricyclen Lo everymorning at 845 and if i do get a little somethin somethin happening- i supply the contraceptives (crazyc been tryna make a little boy wit me for years... and aint no body trappin me) humph! humping or not ain't tryna hav no lil people growing in me!...I must've touched a sore spot because i'm way off subject...forget. must've not been too important.
13. saw my home boy brandon adams at the ladera ctr. still thinking he fly. had to give him the "you-ain't-been-fly-since-you-made-that-movie-people-under-the-stairs-or-imitated-michael-jackson-in-the-i'm-bad-video" look. when we were in high school, this fool paid extra money every month so his number could have double 0-7 in it...retart.
14. santa claus is coming, so you better be nice...he's sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake....for goodness sake! he's a perv...
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Its been a week. I ain't wrote in a whole week. Haven't really felt inspired though...
I love my job and yet in the same breath I hate it. Why do you ask? Well here are the factors that come in to play-
Let's start with my co workers. They drive me nuts; yet it's hilarous to listen to from inside of my cubicle-
Fluff and Puff- loud, highly aggressive, irritating, "yag". too busy doing the side hustle at work to do work at work.
Chardonnay- whines all day long. complains so much i want to peel my eyelids off. yet can at times be friendly with me.
Haternation- complains, whines, and is obbessively jealous of every one and everything. must take "pills" to survive the entire day. i avoid this wrinkled mess at all costs.
static- loud, hyper, obnoxius. one day we are going to fight. its inevitable. makes slighted racial comments and should also be on "pills" but isn't
mumbles- i don't know, doesn't speak..
sinus headache- sweet, charming. prolly a little two faced. bathes in perfume twice daily.
minnie- speaks slighty over a whisper and is simply cute as a button.
grace- reminds me of my old secretary. the only one i would like to hang out with outside of work.
the management:
shaqattack- I'm mad right now prolly not a good time to discuss....
the customers:
Some I love they are polite and curteous and truely lovely people. On the other hand there are some that I can't believe are responsible for giving out medications. I wonder how some are even able to get to work every day. Let's just say they are not all bright. I know everyone saw on the news about the actor whose twin babies were given the wrong medication, well...I'm not one to gossip but....That hospital is located in Southern Cali and my company does service all of Southern Cali and there is only 5 major generic drug suppliers in the entire United states. well you do the math...
my lack of experience at this job:
I hate being new at anything. I make mistakes. Mistakes frustrate me. I am extremely critical of myself when if comes to doing my job. I like to do well at my job. If I am not doing well at my job, what is the point of doing it. I don't feel like I am performing at optimal performance. the consequence? I'm starting to dislike what I do.
I love my job and yet in the same breath I hate it. Why do you ask? Well here are the factors that come in to play-
Let's start with my co workers. They drive me nuts; yet it's hilarous to listen to from inside of my cubicle-
Fluff and Puff- loud, highly aggressive, irritating, "yag". too busy doing the side hustle at work to do work at work.
Chardonnay- whines all day long. complains so much i want to peel my eyelids off. yet can at times be friendly with me.
Haternation- complains, whines, and is obbessively jealous of every one and everything. must take "pills" to survive the entire day. i avoid this wrinkled mess at all costs.
static- loud, hyper, obnoxius. one day we are going to fight. its inevitable. makes slighted racial comments and should also be on "pills" but isn't
mumbles- i don't know, doesn't speak..
sinus headache- sweet, charming. prolly a little two faced. bathes in perfume twice daily.
minnie- speaks slighty over a whisper and is simply cute as a button.
grace- reminds me of my old secretary. the only one i would like to hang out with outside of work.
the management:
shaqattack- I'm mad right now prolly not a good time to discuss....
the customers:
Some I love they are polite and curteous and truely lovely people. On the other hand there are some that I can't believe are responsible for giving out medications. I wonder how some are even able to get to work every day. Let's just say they are not all bright. I know everyone saw on the news about the actor whose twin babies were given the wrong medication, well...I'm not one to gossip but....That hospital is located in Southern Cali and my company does service all of Southern Cali and there is only 5 major generic drug suppliers in the entire United states. well you do the math...
my lack of experience at this job:
I hate being new at anything. I make mistakes. Mistakes frustrate me. I am extremely critical of myself when if comes to doing my job. I like to do well at my job. If I am not doing well at my job, what is the point of doing it. I don't feel like I am performing at optimal performance. the consequence? I'm starting to dislike what I do.
Monday, November 12, 2007
"till you do right by me, everything you even think about gonna' fail"
i feel like someone beat the shit out of me today.
i had to call in sick to work.
i've been hugging the toliet all day today and yesterday.
my stomach has been doing freakin loopty loops all day.
this is what a bulimic person must feel like... my teeth fukkin hurt.
i swear i've lost 3 pounds over the course of today and yesterday.
i have chills and a headache.
what's really messed up is my daughter has it too.
we've been wrestling each other all day for the bathroom....
while i was lying in bed, trying to decide whether to write my will or not, i saw a story on the news that a stomach virus is going around. it's passed mostly when people use the bathroom and don't wash their hands and then contaiminate a door handle or directly touching some one else..
just that quickly and one can contract an illness. well i got it.
i feel like the death of the earth is upon me. so Please please non-handwashers
WASH YOUR FUNKY HANDS!!
the Center for Disease Control and Prevention suggest the following steps to washing ones hands thoroughly:
1. remove all items that may be used as a resevoir for bacteria (i.e. jewlry, long shirts or jackets can be rolled up)
2. rinse hands in warm water.
3. apply antibacterial soap
4. scrub hands for a minimum of 35 seconds (the length of one verse of " happy birthday" or the ABC song)
5. rinse hands in warm water in a downward motion
6. dry hands
7. use napkin to turn off sink and open the handle of the restroom door.
if you ain't got the full minute it should take to perform this task...i wish the spitfire madness that is going on in my body on you. i'll prolly take that back later, but right now as i sit here listening to my stomach rumble and the flash of fear sets in over me as i try to decide which way is this explosion going to exit me...I wish it on all the non-handwashers, the way Ceelie cursed Mista (Albert) on the Color Purple.
i had to call in sick to work.
i've been hugging the toliet all day today and yesterday.
my stomach has been doing freakin loopty loops all day.
this is what a bulimic person must feel like... my teeth fukkin hurt.
i swear i've lost 3 pounds over the course of today and yesterday.
i have chills and a headache.
what's really messed up is my daughter has it too.
we've been wrestling each other all day for the bathroom....
while i was lying in bed, trying to decide whether to write my will or not, i saw a story on the news that a stomach virus is going around. it's passed mostly when people use the bathroom and don't wash their hands and then contaiminate a door handle or directly touching some one else..
just that quickly and one can contract an illness. well i got it.
i feel like the death of the earth is upon me. so Please please non-handwashers
WASH YOUR FUNKY HANDS!!
the Center for Disease Control and Prevention suggest the following steps to washing ones hands thoroughly:
1. remove all items that may be used as a resevoir for bacteria (i.e. jewlry, long shirts or jackets can be rolled up)
2. rinse hands in warm water.
3. apply antibacterial soap
4. scrub hands for a minimum of 35 seconds (the length of one verse of " happy birthday" or the ABC song)
5. rinse hands in warm water in a downward motion
6. dry hands
7. use napkin to turn off sink and open the handle of the restroom door.
if you ain't got the full minute it should take to perform this task...i wish the spitfire madness that is going on in my body on you. i'll prolly take that back later, but right now as i sit here listening to my stomach rumble and the flash of fear sets in over me as i try to decide which way is this explosion going to exit me...I wish it on all the non-handwashers, the way Ceelie cursed Mista (Albert) on the Color Purple.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Other Shyt to worry about
Sigh... So Mr. Wonderful emailed me today. I didn't respond. I refuse to let myself get angry and irratated about this.
In order for me to forget about Mr. Wonderful I've dedicated this post to other things I need to worry about; Like:
1. The fact that all of Southern California is burning down all around me. Every day my car is covered in ashes. The ashes of the belongings of people who now have nothing. Everything is gone. Thier computers- gone. Their beds gone. Their socks- gone. Everything they own burned. I'm a horrible person because this morning all I could think was, "the ashes are ruining my $17 car wash"... major reality check. I had to sit down and really focus. So My and I took our cans to the recycling place and donated the $ to the Red Cross. Vain redemption? Life is such an oxymoron.
2. My daughter is turning 5; which makes me the mother of a 5 year old. I'm getting old.
3. My shoulder creeks when I move it...That's a sense of how old I've gotten.
4. I have to decide if I want to continue on this road I'm going down with Crazyc. He helped me out of my first crisis with Mr. Wonderful. And he is unknowingly helping me out of this one. I love him. There's soooo much history behind our relationship, I'm writing a book on it. Yet, I know that the words that spill out this mouth could drive me to murder. I don't think his larynx is connected to his brain because there's no way that the brain knows what his voice box is saying. He does a body good; just like milk. But should I stay knowing I'll never truely be happy? Or will I? There has to be something that makes me stay with him right? It couldn't just be familiarity, right? That can't be the only reason, I'm with him, right? Just because it's what I'm used to.....
5. My house is a damn mess. The dishes, the rooms, the bathroom. sigh... it's over whelming. I'll start with the living room and bathroom tonight.
6. I still ain't got no driver's license. $5000 to go.
7. I'm still trying to get this business started. I'm barely in the scratch paper stages and I got people trying to book dates.... that excites me and scares me at the same time.
8. What am I going to be for Halloween? I got to win the $100 prize my job is giving away. SO I can put towards the $5000.
9. I have to work on my customer service skills. Some days I really am the angryblacklady over the phone.
10. I got an extra $20 bucks on the phone bill because of this internet connection.
11. I'm giving My a slumber party, so I'm going to have 12 little girls at my house for over 12 hours... terrified!
12. Flores. Nuff said. I've been avoiding him...but if he doesn't stop sending me those text messages with those sweet little inticements; I'm going to be right back there with him, naked, in his bed, watching his flat screen, eating pizza he ordered, while he stands on the bed singing me Prince songs....No, No, No, I won't let myself do it.
13. Why is there still hardly any Black people on television? It's like we don't really exist, in their worlds. Not even enough to hire us as extras...WOW.
14. I need the thingy that connects the tire to the axle to be replaced on my car.
15. I need a good gospel song to perform to for my audition next month and I only have two weeks, to choreograph something. Any suggestions?
ok, that makes me feel better..... exhale.
In order for me to forget about Mr. Wonderful I've dedicated this post to other things I need to worry about; Like:
1. The fact that all of Southern California is burning down all around me. Every day my car is covered in ashes. The ashes of the belongings of people who now have nothing. Everything is gone. Thier computers- gone. Their beds gone. Their socks- gone. Everything they own burned. I'm a horrible person because this morning all I could think was, "the ashes are ruining my $17 car wash"... major reality check. I had to sit down and really focus. So My and I took our cans to the recycling place and donated the $ to the Red Cross. Vain redemption? Life is such an oxymoron.
2. My daughter is turning 5; which makes me the mother of a 5 year old. I'm getting old.
3. My shoulder creeks when I move it...That's a sense of how old I've gotten.
4. I have to decide if I want to continue on this road I'm going down with Crazyc. He helped me out of my first crisis with Mr. Wonderful. And he is unknowingly helping me out of this one. I love him. There's soooo much history behind our relationship, I'm writing a book on it. Yet, I know that the words that spill out this mouth could drive me to murder. I don't think his larynx is connected to his brain because there's no way that the brain knows what his voice box is saying. He does a body good; just like milk. But should I stay knowing I'll never truely be happy? Or will I? There has to be something that makes me stay with him right? It couldn't just be familiarity, right? That can't be the only reason, I'm with him, right? Just because it's what I'm used to.....
5. My house is a damn mess. The dishes, the rooms, the bathroom. sigh... it's over whelming. I'll start with the living room and bathroom tonight.
6. I still ain't got no driver's license. $5000 to go.
7. I'm still trying to get this business started. I'm barely in the scratch paper stages and I got people trying to book dates.... that excites me and scares me at the same time.
8. What am I going to be for Halloween? I got to win the $100 prize my job is giving away. SO I can put towards the $5000.
9. I have to work on my customer service skills. Some days I really am the angryblacklady over the phone.
10. I got an extra $20 bucks on the phone bill because of this internet connection.
11. I'm giving My a slumber party, so I'm going to have 12 little girls at my house for over 12 hours... terrified!
12. Flores. Nuff said. I've been avoiding him...but if he doesn't stop sending me those text messages with those sweet little inticements; I'm going to be right back there with him, naked, in his bed, watching his flat screen, eating pizza he ordered, while he stands on the bed singing me Prince songs....No, No, No, I won't let myself do it.
13. Why is there still hardly any Black people on television? It's like we don't really exist, in their worlds. Not even enough to hire us as extras...WOW.
14. I need the thingy that connects the tire to the axle to be replaced on my car.
15. I need a good gospel song to perform to for my audition next month and I only have two weeks, to choreograph something. Any suggestions?
ok, that makes me feel better..... exhale.
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Home Sweet Home
Ok so I finally have my computer. I can type and write as much as I want to. No more breaks just because I don’t have the supplies…Y’all know I need my tools to get my job done. Well it’s not really a job but its something I absolutely love to do.
In the time and age when everyone has a computer and everyone blogs about their life, isn’t it refreshing to believe that mine will be different? Well it’s not. I’m just Jenny. Just like everyone else. Ain’t nothing special, except I do tend to get into a lot of drama and I try to tell the whole truth. Even though there’s definite possibility that someone I really know could discover this blog one day and find out all my secrets… oh well I really don’t care anyway…
I’m just loving the idea, that there’s a possibility that someone, somewhere may be able to read my words and relate to them. It’s such a beautiful relief to realize that one can be understood. That someone can read my words and say “well, damn. I feel you Jen. I truly feel you.”
Now that I’m at the hizzy while I type; I’ll be able to type in my jimmies or late at night when I wake up restless or type what ever the fuck I want with no fear that the job is reading…You know what would be truly ironic and entirely like me? If I continued to write as scarcely as when I didn’t have a computer…..LOL…
Ok, Let’s get to what every one really wants to know...who the hussy is sleeping with.
Well the last time I wrote, when I was in Illinois, I mentioned that Mr. Wonderful and I had broken up…gees was that hard. It was self defeating.
That whole week, I had an ache in my stomach that something wasn’t right with us; but, when I finally asked him what was really going on, between he and I, I never expected that he would flip out and turn into Mr. Scaredy Cat. It was like he thought I was trying to put a lock down on his ass. Put him behind doors or something. It really hurt. I prolly over reacted… because I was loving with my heart and not my head, but I needed him to say “ Jen, after 7 months, this is how I feel about you…”. Instead, he said “ I don’t know”. All that time and he didn’t know. I was once again just another chic. Here he is know as Mr. Wonderful on my blog and I was “I don’t know” to him.
I really cried. I mean like hard core movie of the week tears; I closed the bathroom door and became a sobbing ball of mess. Sigh.
Ambo came by that same day, just by chance, or by heavenly design, to bring me some boxes (since I was moving). She saw what a debacle I had become and tried to save me from myself. We went to Martinez’s house and watched “Black Snack Moan”. They smoked while I drank away the hurt.
That night, Crazyc called me and I cried to him. For the first time ever, in all our 13 years, he heard me cry. Not just bitching to him about something, really sad, uncontrollable crying. I don’t think he knew what to do with that. I think it made him feel like he needed to protect me. Since then he’s really been here for me.
Now, he’s still his old selfish ass self. But I know how much he cares. We talk pretty much daily. We’re doing the hanky panky and all but it’s not what you could call a relationship…well at least I don’t think so. I don’t ever think CrazyC and I will ever marry and be the Huxtables; but, you know that song by that girl that I don’t her name called “I’ll always be your lady”? Well I’ll always be his lady.
Back to Mr. Wonderful, one day about a month after the conversation about whether or not we were going to be together or not. I got pissed, like hella pissed. I wrote him a long email asking about why he hadn’t called me or anything and saying that I deserved a better ending than that. He wrote me back apologetically and we started a friendship from there.
One day, after about a month of just emailing each other, he wrote to me:
“I don’t know how you’re going to take this but I miss your lips..”
I didn’t know how to take it. I didn’t know what to write so I conferred with Sonystudios.
She wouldn’t tell me what to write. She simply threatened to beat the shit out of him if he hurt me again. She just told me to be careful and really think about what I wanted. I didn’t. I hung up with her went to my desk and wrote that I missed him too.
We went on a date the next week. Football game for his god son, sushi, and I ended up spending the night at his house. We did it (I’m in Jr. High). It wasn’t like before. It was different. He was never so aggressive before. I liked it. We got breakfast and he brought me home in the morning. I called him Sunday but it was weird an awkward. I thought of never speaking to him after that. We didn’t talk for a day. Then he called me and asked me what was wrong. I couldn’t explain it. It just felt weird.
A few weeks later he came over to watch a movie. He spent the night. That was still different. I won’t get explicit (you’ll get that in the book version) but what he did to me that night made me fall asleep instantaneously. I woke up beaming. Two people commented that day on my glow….
So now the drag is, I have two “Sumathatime” men. Neither are really my boyfriend. I really care about both of them and I have been. I could go either way on who I love the most. And I know if either found out it could blow up in my face. It’s just that they each have their own places in my heart. It’s strange, I’m 26 and still a playa. You’d think I’d be over this.
You know what I really wish? I wish that I could figure a way to move them both in with me. It would be so perfect. (for me of course). It wouldn’t be ok when I came home and caught them together or something ….ewwww the thought makes my stomach hurt.
All jokes aside, I’m still lonely. Still wishing I had one real boyfriend. Sigh. I’m starting to believe that it’s just not for me.
In the time and age when everyone has a computer and everyone blogs about their life, isn’t it refreshing to believe that mine will be different? Well it’s not. I’m just Jenny. Just like everyone else. Ain’t nothing special, except I do tend to get into a lot of drama and I try to tell the whole truth. Even though there’s definite possibility that someone I really know could discover this blog one day and find out all my secrets… oh well I really don’t care anyway…
I’m just loving the idea, that there’s a possibility that someone, somewhere may be able to read my words and relate to them. It’s such a beautiful relief to realize that one can be understood. That someone can read my words and say “well, damn. I feel you Jen. I truly feel you.”
Now that I’m at the hizzy while I type; I’ll be able to type in my jimmies or late at night when I wake up restless or type what ever the fuck I want with no fear that the job is reading…You know what would be truly ironic and entirely like me? If I continued to write as scarcely as when I didn’t have a computer…..LOL…
Ok, Let’s get to what every one really wants to know...who the hussy is sleeping with.
Well the last time I wrote, when I was in Illinois, I mentioned that Mr. Wonderful and I had broken up…gees was that hard. It was self defeating.
That whole week, I had an ache in my stomach that something wasn’t right with us; but, when I finally asked him what was really going on, between he and I, I never expected that he would flip out and turn into Mr. Scaredy Cat. It was like he thought I was trying to put a lock down on his ass. Put him behind doors or something. It really hurt. I prolly over reacted… because I was loving with my heart and not my head, but I needed him to say “ Jen, after 7 months, this is how I feel about you…”. Instead, he said “ I don’t know”. All that time and he didn’t know. I was once again just another chic. Here he is know as Mr. Wonderful on my blog and I was “I don’t know” to him.
I really cried. I mean like hard core movie of the week tears; I closed the bathroom door and became a sobbing ball of mess. Sigh.
Ambo came by that same day, just by chance, or by heavenly design, to bring me some boxes (since I was moving). She saw what a debacle I had become and tried to save me from myself. We went to Martinez’s house and watched “Black Snack Moan”. They smoked while I drank away the hurt.
That night, Crazyc called me and I cried to him. For the first time ever, in all our 13 years, he heard me cry. Not just bitching to him about something, really sad, uncontrollable crying. I don’t think he knew what to do with that. I think it made him feel like he needed to protect me. Since then he’s really been here for me.
Now, he’s still his old selfish ass self. But I know how much he cares. We talk pretty much daily. We’re doing the hanky panky and all but it’s not what you could call a relationship…well at least I don’t think so. I don’t ever think CrazyC and I will ever marry and be the Huxtables; but, you know that song by that girl that I don’t her name called “I’ll always be your lady”? Well I’ll always be his lady.
Back to Mr. Wonderful, one day about a month after the conversation about whether or not we were going to be together or not. I got pissed, like hella pissed. I wrote him a long email asking about why he hadn’t called me or anything and saying that I deserved a better ending than that. He wrote me back apologetically and we started a friendship from there.
One day, after about a month of just emailing each other, he wrote to me:
“I don’t know how you’re going to take this but I miss your lips..”
I didn’t know how to take it. I didn’t know what to write so I conferred with Sonystudios.
She wouldn’t tell me what to write. She simply threatened to beat the shit out of him if he hurt me again. She just told me to be careful and really think about what I wanted. I didn’t. I hung up with her went to my desk and wrote that I missed him too.
We went on a date the next week. Football game for his god son, sushi, and I ended up spending the night at his house. We did it (I’m in Jr. High). It wasn’t like before. It was different. He was never so aggressive before. I liked it. We got breakfast and he brought me home in the morning. I called him Sunday but it was weird an awkward. I thought of never speaking to him after that. We didn’t talk for a day. Then he called me and asked me what was wrong. I couldn’t explain it. It just felt weird.
A few weeks later he came over to watch a movie. He spent the night. That was still different. I won’t get explicit (you’ll get that in the book version) but what he did to me that night made me fall asleep instantaneously. I woke up beaming. Two people commented that day on my glow….
So now the drag is, I have two “Sumathatime” men. Neither are really my boyfriend. I really care about both of them and I have been. I could go either way on who I love the most. And I know if either found out it could blow up in my face. It’s just that they each have their own places in my heart. It’s strange, I’m 26 and still a playa. You’d think I’d be over this.
You know what I really wish? I wish that I could figure a way to move them both in with me. It would be so perfect. (for me of course). It wouldn’t be ok when I came home and caught them together or something ….ewwww the thought makes my stomach hurt.
All jokes aside, I’m still lonely. Still wishing I had one real boyfriend. Sigh. I’m starting to believe that it’s just not for me.
Monday, February 28, 2005
sigh..
I am severely depressed.
No real reason.
I've just been not in a happy place. I;ve been feeling horrible. Almost...well never mind that but I've been feeling down. I really need a good hug. Or for someone to reach out and admit they care. I'm just feeling so disconnected.
I feel like my daughter and I aren't even close. I don't know. I can't explain it.
My depression has captured me again alas. I await it's end. Or any end for that matter....
Let me stop write here before I begin to cry.
No real reason.
I've just been not in a happy place. I;ve been feeling horrible. Almost...well never mind that but I've been feeling down. I really need a good hug. Or for someone to reach out and admit they care. I'm just feeling so disconnected.
I feel like my daughter and I aren't even close. I don't know. I can't explain it.
My depression has captured me again alas. I await it's end. Or any end for that matter....
Let me stop write here before I begin to cry.
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