"cold going mad..."

I’ve got an eerie feeling this morning. Feeling empty. Like there’s a hollow in my stomach. So many folks have been running me raged lately.

Things seem so peachy keen with e. but in me something’s not right. Found out today that he has a MySpace account that is marked private. When I requested him as a friend he denied me. When I asked him about it…he gave me the switch the topic then the quick good bye. Since then the behavior has been suspicious. I’ve decided to step back from it a bit. Just breathe on it.

I mentioned my friend that’s just a friend last post and I must admit. I lightweight like him as more than a friend. So I’ve stepped back from that too.

BW cussed me out yesterday because I turned down on a night of fun.

This chic at my job is working my nerves. It’s like she’s going through menopause and we all have to suffer. She and my boss both.

My weekend is going to be fun. If all works out.

I’m getting my hair done tonight.

I have dance rehearsal Friday night.

Saturday I have to go to my daughter’s father’s sister’s baby shower.

Then Saturday evening I’m going to a Barbeque with my friend that’s just a friend that I like more than a friend but if it doesn’t work out with e he could be an option but I’m not thinking like that right? Right.

Sunday is my friend NDN’s son’s birthday party.

Sunday night I have to perform at church.

Monday I’m thinking about UCLA reggaefest but it’s $25 now!!! It used to be free. But now that reggae is so popular it’s 25! It went from free to $5 to $7 to $10 to $15 to $20 to $25 over the ten years that I’ve been attending…. But Mr.Vegas is going to be there and he is my FAVORITE artist so I just might bite the bullet and go.

Truth be told.

*I met mrniceynice one day when I’d taken my daughter to get some ice cream at coldstones (cookiedon’tyouwantsome), I walked out the store, hand in hand with MY and he drove past in his Tahoe looking very handsome (from the side). He spoke clearly. Didn’t try to "mack me up". He smiled, I saw the gap in his teeth, reminded me of Mr. Wonderful… he had a gap too. That night I spoke to him over the phone for hours. Great conversation. Funny. Warm. Attentive. The next day we went out for ice cream, back to the scene of the crime.

* He's a nice guy. I'm not trying to find anything wrong with him. I'm not trying to create a problem with him. I am just not necessarilly physically attracted to him per se. He's not my type. He's handsome; but he's just not my type. The more time I spend with him the more I like him. I just don't want to do "it" to him. It's not that there's anything at all wrong with him, I just don't have an immediate want to hump him. Like I could see my self being with him. We're a good pair...but I just don't know if I'd want to have babies with him? crazy...ehh...whatever!

* Barbershop called me this morning at 7:16am, we chatted. He then went on to inform me that he’s moving into the building directly across from me. His apartment would be the one that looks right into my front door. Can you hear the funereal music? I can ….my favorite color is pink yall, and I hate blush, don’t let em put blush on me.

*I’m having a party this weekend. It’s for my 27th birthday (which isn’t until the 6th but I’m going to prom on the 3rd …yeah prom {I’ll explain later}) and it’s also going away party for my home girl Kinkos. The home girl Tinez back out on the deal…trick (I say that with as much love as possible). My homegirl Eb is going to my hair and eyelashes. I don’t have a dress yet. I’ll get one by the end of the day. Stay tuned for photos...

* I’m going to a series that my Bishop is having called "The Levels of Love"… to be continued.

* Oh yeah a few posts ago I referred to my shoes as "platforms" I meant "wedge heels"!!! HA!
For my cuzo's party: She cried, we went to the resturant that he took her for their first date, we went to a club, a friend of mine brought us a round of drinks, got back in the stretch limo Navigator and I threw up. end.

* mynewlovepoem guy got a little miffed at me because i was drunk and didn't call him. we're done.

*i talked to bwood he's doing good.

*crazyc moved to Nevada but he's here in LA like every weekend.

*I'm planning a baby shower for my girl studios...the prettiest pregnant girl ever (besides me...cause I was fine)

Quickie. Updated.

1. my computer is trippin. it has some wierd virus.







2. went to vegas with kinkos and studios to celebrate their birthday....had a blast. Vegas is the only place you'll see a sign like this:

3. crazyc is moving to Nevada. We had one last hoorah. you figure out what that means....

4. flores wrote this song for me. we're supposed to make a video for it. we'll see.

5. Bwood is sorta mad about how he found out about barbershop...oh well.

6. Barbershop is cool...I wanna hook kinkos up with his beautiful brother.

7. i am super hungry right now.

8. i lost three pounds. then i gained them back eating in vegas.

9.My next pay check is gonna be FAT.

10. i love you.

11. I left out a picture of this box of gum I have on my computer that says "I smoke crack and I vote" in the last post....it's behind my daughter's school photo....I'll add it on 2moro.


Update: Here's the photo!!!

12. To my real blog friends: I finished one complete chapter of my book.... if you wanna read a portion of it email me:

um...wtf.

My computer is set trippin on me.
So as bad as I’ve been wanting to write, I think my computer has a virus… I’m devastated.
I’m going to have the hustle man take a look at it for me. Hope the diagnosis is not bad.
My weekend….The short Version.
Friday Afternoon.
Kinkos calls, she wants to keep MY the whole weekend so that she could keep the other two girls she was watching busy.
Decided to grab a drink with my home girl Stace to the "meat market" by the house.
Got a call from Barbershop saying he was at the "meat market"
Went to the "meat market" anyway.
Walked in, saw Bwood. Fear struck! Realized no need to worry. Bwood was sitting with a chunky chic.
Spotted the finest man I’d ever seen sitting across the bar. Juice sexy lips just finer than expensive china…. Gave him some flirty eyes, smiled, licked lips….let him know I was feeling him.
Went around the bar to say hello to Barbershop. The fine-man is his brother. DEAD!
Bwood sees me standing with Barbershop.
I texted him, he responded upset.
Daughter’s fathers girlfriend sees me wants to make converstation, like we’re friends. Gave her the "bitch I don’t give shit about you" face. It stunned her.
Went back to playing with the fellas.
Left the bar went to the reggae club.
Had breakfast with Barbershop and his beautiful brother.
Saturday.
Lunch with Crazyc. He’s moving away. To another state. Sigh
Saturday night.
Went out for drinks with Stace, we went to a club full of pinks. It was cool but I had to go.
Met a cool ass Mexican dude.
Saturday morning.
Barbershop tells me that Bwood saw him at a club that night and asked him how he know his "girl"
Barbershop stayed cool and just told him he knew me from his salon.
Bwood won’t return your girls calls… LOL.
Saturday noon.
Lunch with Kinkos and the girls. Kinkos admits she lost my child at the mall. Had to have the security find her. Could you imagine? I’d hafta shank her.
Saturday afternoon.
Went for a drive with Flores in the pretty red car, with the top down. Brought some ice cream. Sat on my porch and watched the sunset.

Now what.

Last night, I did something that I wanted to do.
Prolly shouldn’t have been doing it; but, I wanted it. I sent out in search of it. I tried to be extremely blunt about it. I wanted to give the appearance that this was a completely separated thing from that.

I realize I was wrong. I am wrong. My gross negligence is not only, alienating me; but, hurting someone else.

In the middle, of doing what I wanted to do I saw something. It was for just a moment. Like a shimmer of light in the middle of darkness.

He wasn’t separating this from that. This and that were one in the same to him.

Our eyes met and it was intense. 30 seconds spent really connecting. Eyes fully locked. I didn’t allow the fact that the closeness made me uneasy, frighten me. I worked through it. I let myself be drawn in. Let my self really feel that feeling.

I think he was reading my mind. He seemed happy; like it was HIS breakthrough.
It was eye opening. He smiled. Then he kissed my leg (that was resting on his shoulder) so softly, like he was sealing the deal.

I felt butterflies.

Images and conversations passed by that I’d forgotten….or that I’d suppressed, things he’d said, hints he’d given me. They all flooded back to me. Blurried my eyes. Surprised me.

He knew, that I knew, what he’d been waiting for me to realize. The moment he’s waited four years for me to realize.

My awakening was exactly what he’d been waiting for.

The problem is, now what?

relax. relate. release.

i'm feeling much better today.
by the way, did you see my face in my pic? i am becoming a little chunky monkey huh?

i've been writing a short story in my head all day, a spicy one that i really wanted to share but my back is hurting now (damn that Eve), so i'm just not feeling up to it.

i haven't really gave an update on mysocalledlife (other than my sister drama) and there's really not much to report.

still hanging with babershop. i still refuse to commit seriously to anything with him. still feel eerie, about him...can't trust a black man with freckles and red hair...ya know?
still window shopping the idea of letting bwood (an ex of mine from 2003) back in my life full time.
still flirting with a disaster in flores.
work is good. got a $600 fatter check, last week! loved it wit two snaps in a circle.
watched school daze (one of the greastest movies of all time) the other day and remembered why i love being black so much...cause only we can really appreciate and connect with that movie. seeing it put me on a high for the week..then i was reading in my vibe today at work (while trying to avoid that lady that talks too much, in the lunchroom) an article on the movie, just put me in an even better mood!!! (is it me or is vibe getting a little mensmag/tabloid-ish? its this new editor they have now)

i've been thinking about relationships and what i want now at 26 (and more than a half). i've been thinking about how what i want has changed so drastically since when i first started this blog at 23. i think now, i am so ready to be a pig!! you know how in ham and eggs, the pig is committed but the chicken's just involved? i'm ready to be the pig!
ready to settle down. tell some man (that man) i love him. make some important decisions together. get married and make some more babies.
just gotta find that man. **the understatment of the year**

i'm getting a little tired of doing this running the household on my own thing. it's a little played out...

for those of you that don't have kids, if you have them on your own, people don't tell you, you're going to be the only one doing the dishes for a long time....or in my case rinsing them and putting them in the dishwasher.

ok...for real i need 600mg of motrin, an old school hot water bottle, my thumb in my mouth (yep it's a horrible habit) and a warm bed....
later gaters.

Alarm clock beat down.

Bleep. Bleep. Bleep. The sound of the alarm clock. Reach arm over, push button. Turn back to alarm clock, so alarm clock knows whats up, not feeling waking up right now. Open eyes. See brown curly hair. The back of his head. Smile. Close eyes. Move closer. Kiss back of neck. Inhale deep. um, he smells like cookies. He rolls over. Face to face. Nose to Nose. Mouth to Mouth. His nose on my face. Smile. Inhale deep, warm chocolate chip cookies. His hands, my thigh. Smile. His lips, my neck, shoulders, arms, elbows, fingers, damn are those my finger tips? His lips, my neck, my breast, my stomach. His hands, my thighs, my hips, my va jay jay. His lips, my thighs, my hips, my va jay jay. My hands, his curly brown hair. Eyes still closed. My toes, curled. He moans. Trying not to moan. Trying not to moan. Can't hold it. Moan. Moan again. Hold breath. Hold breath. Can't breathe. Moan. Bleep. Bleep. Bleep. Let it ring. He moans. Still Bleeping. Moan. Moan again. His lips, my stomach. His hand, my night stand. Hit alarm clock. He let it know what's up this time. His hands, in night stand drawer, hurry up. He found it. Black box. Gold packages, black letters. Ripped open. It's on. It's in. Moan. He moans. Trying not to moan. He moans. Moan. Inhale deep, still smells like cookies. Smile. He frowns. Wants to know why the smile. Giggle. Can't talk now. He's concentrating. Concentrating too. There it is. Found it. Don't hold it he says. Couldn't if I wanted to. Explosion. Stars. Swirls. Can't Breathe. 90 second exhale. Eyes open, looking at eyes. Inhale deep. Still cookies. Bleep. Bleep. Bleep. Pull plug out wall, definitely more gangsta than alarm clock.

warm delights....ummmm

ok, so i lied no new post followed for the weekend...
but; seriously i got home from church yesterday, walked into the house and i swear i thought i was going to faint. suddenly i was dizzy, i felt naueous, my head started pounding and spinning and i felt sweat on my brow (i've always wanted to refer to my big ole forehead as my "brow") then i felt like i had to lay down immediately. my head hurt horribly. it felt like the light from outside was going to cause my head to explode. i took some motrin and passed out in the middle of the livingroom floor since that was the only place that i could find (i broke my bed that morning...another story for another day...no...get your minds out of the gutter...) when i awoke at5 pm (four hours later) i felt much much better....

now i do realize how errily close my symptoms mirror pregnancy. i have taken this matter into consideration. now, as careful and as cautious that i consider myself to be around the male life fluid... (lol, i'm luahging at how stupid that sounds...lol) i know that accidents do happen...now trust i will be commiting myself to a mental institution if said is the case.... a much more apealing case would be that i think i am begining to have migraines.... what causes migraines? why yes pregnancy (increase in hormonal levels etc.), is another matter to take into consideration...i seriously doubt it...

i don't know but i do know that i am a different person in 2008. the migraines and a few other things that i'll tell ya when you really got the time...

well here's a few things i've learned already in 2008:
I've learned....
1. there was no good reason for dumping brent.... (long story)

2. i can live without crazyc.

3. the more i spend time with babershop the more i like him

4. babershop looks delicious in a suit.

5. that i don't have to sterilize my house everyday.

6. that i am too blessed.

7. missing a few nights of sleep will mess your head up bad...

8. i love betty crocker's warm delights hot fudge brownie; i'm eating one now.

9. i love big hair.

10. my sister is evil.

ahhhh so much to fill yall in on so little time....
alas, i must finish my brownie and lactuse free milk in my bed...