i hit em up...r.i.p. 2pac

And so I'm back again. yep... I left came back started again and left again...

I missed blogging... I know all my old gal pals are now you-tubers and tumblers and tweeters... but I still love the old 2003 feel of a good blog post about nothing other than opinion and such an such. fuck grammar, spelling and capitalization! WHO! La' Revolution!

lol

so whats happening with me? yall know i loves me a good list so here it tis!

* vh1. we broke up. he went out with some friends and for the first time in 4 or 5 years.. i snooped. when through his thangs and found thangs that weren't the end of the world but were enough to push me over the edge. i was already drowning in ambiguity about where to go with our relationship...the items pushed me to say what i needed to say. we yelled at each other. he said ugly things...i said uglier things and he left. the next day he came back and got all his thangs. that was it. there was no time to sort it all out... but there was time to think... and breathe and clean and focus. i read a lot. i wrote some... i didn't cry. but it was not as bad as i thought it would be. i talked to people i hadn't talked to in a long while (barbershop) and had a drink with the girls on a Wednesday (Naughty naughty) and i started to remember Jane. I missed her. i got acquainted with her.
three and a half weeks later he called me and invited me to dinner. we went out. he talked. i listened. he made promises and i accepted... so here we are. back together...sorry ladies, i'm hopeless. ilovehim. stab me with spoons.

*so this is where we are. living together... 31 and 32. somewhere in the southbay of LA county... he's "lightweight" working but shits not fully right. the majority of the burden is still on me. there's still no 5 year plan in action and my faith in him is still...wavering.
BUT this time I'm happy. I feel understood and appreciated. go figure.

*on the work front, i got a semi-promotion. there;s 8 people in my department. and of the 8 of us, my supervisor choose me to become a SME(subject matter expert)...at first i felt it may be a set up because i'm the only black in the department...but after discussion with friends and family...i decided to take the bait.

our company's getting a new system.... and i get to learn alllll about it. the first shitty part is I have to in turn teach it to every one else.... there are some people i work with that for a lack of a better term, are stupid. and you can't fix stupid....so we shall see how that works out...
The SHITTIEST part of the new SME position is that I have to travel to Illinois two weeks out of the month...during the winter! I am a STRAIGHT Cali girl. I lay on beaches in December. so this is ALL new to me... but I will get to try out some winter time fashion... for the first time.

*What will happen with MY while I'm in Illinois? well my mom quit her job and is getting a divorce....LONG COMPLICATED WAY TOO DETAILED STORY... and so she is looking to buy a house here in Cali again... so she will be my day care assistant. wink wink. It will be a Challenge. I will be out of town Monday through Friday and mom will be at my house with Vh1 and My Monday thru Friday... Saturday and Sunday she will go to my uncles back house...which my uncle and aunt live in Monday thru Friday.

* Most importantly my little girl. she is a little lady now. such a sweet lil chocolate drop. i am so blessed that i get to be in her life. she is such a joy. she fills my heart with so much happiness. iloveher more than anything . she is awesome. the personality that she has developed is so determined and unique and individual... she's such a star. she's not perfect she drives me crazy and is a little hard headed and has started getting attitudes with me... but i still love her through her hormones.

i have another topic i wanted to chat about... but its 12:40 and I have a VERY IMPORTANT meeting about being a SME at 8:30 so I got nappity nap.

Oh! I'm considering giving myself individuals for the first time.


nighty night....


p.s. grammer police kiss my ass ok?..

"Love was the former owner, but quiet is renting our house"

i really cant say why i stay. there is absolutely no reason. i think i am afraid to be alone. theres always that fear of "what if..." thinking about what "people" will say. having to answer questions. having to delete pictures. starting over. explaining to MY. the thing is I know if I don't do it now. i will be stuck. I am so unhappy. and I don't remember when i stopped being happy. so much stress on my shoulders. how is it that i am in a relationship and yet so alone. it wasn't always like this....I promise. but there has always been an undertone of selfishness on his part. he's very selfish. very immature. very unaware. i love him. but he sucks my energy. he drains my energy. the part of me that me me JANE is gone. I don't know where she went. I don't know how to get her back. i miss her soooooo much. I really really LOVED her. she was my bestfriend. and now she's gone. She didn't even leave me a note or a letter or a text message. "And her name is me And she loves me more than you'll ever know And I finally see that Loving you and loving me just don't seem to work at all So patiently She's waiting on me to tell you that she needs love And to choose between you two Boy you know if I have to choose I choose me" -Tamia "Me"

Hey YOU...it's me Jen!

finally got a home computer.... i feel like i woke up out of the dark ages... and not only do I have a new computer, I have a MacBook...so proud so proud... This of course means it will take me quite awhile to get use to the ins and outs of this thing; being that I am was a PC lover.... I will try to not use the Macbook switch as my excuse for not posting. I have not been posting or reading... I need some good words in my life again. I need some stimulating vocabulary. Some tantilizing (how do I right click on this thing?*spell check?) snippets. Where are all my writers? are you all still out there? Well if you are, I am back. Happily. Here's a (purposefully) brief update on me: *I'm 31 now. *Still pushing pills....even though I long for a more artistic field...I'm thinking of moon lighting as a make up artist. *MY is 9 years old now...YES! 9! can you believe that shit? 9...attitude and think she fly and all... wooo that girl is something. *I'm still with VH1 even though I know... I probably should... a whole other post for a whole other time. *I'm still in my big ass apartment in LA. Now it doesn't seem so big since there's a grown man here ALL the time. Im never here alone except when he's at the "studio" where ever that is..or means ...or whatever the fuck. *I've truly been contemplating moving to Florida....if I could find work there...I'd be there ASAP. *I've got some secrets.... *miniscing grin (where the shit is the right click?) Well like I said I need to make it brief.... I want to write a post about why I think someone is trying to JUMP me...real shit.

Post #1

YES YES…I know I’ve been off line for quite some time…. But I’ve decided to toss my hat back in the ring….

So lets consider this post, Post #1 (hence the title).

In this post I am going to make a series of admissions.

#1. I have fallen off guys!
Not just in the sense that I haven’t been posting on my blog….but I’ve fallen off on all areas of Jane-li-ness. I swear this chic typing right now is completely different from the girl that wrote the other 90% of the posts on this blog….
EXAMPLES:
I have on NO make up right now.
My eyebrows haven’t been arched in WEEKS.
My finger nails look like that of a 12 year old boy.
My big toe is polished bright orange and the rest of the toes are chipping away and I have on stockings so you can see it.
My legs look like munchi-chi’s.
And that’s just some of the things…I feel like I need a complete and total do OVER. That is why this weekend, while my daughter is away at her fathers house….I will be treating myself to a complete and total make over!!!! Well not really. But I’m getting a massage, manicure pedicure, eye brow arch and facial.
I am determined to get my sexy back!!!!


#2…. This one I will leave blank…. This one I’ll come back to when I’m ready to admit it publicly….MAYBE never…maybe I’ll never say it out loud.


#3. I’m still with VH1… he’s still weird. We’re still in the same. We still got issues…but things are getting better I guess. I’ll go into this on another post….maybe.

#4. In the past I have not been good to my hair….I’ve been wearing Quick Weaves aka The Edge Killers…. Lately I’ve been experimenting with sew-ins and wigs…. I have taught myself to cornrow, and how do individuals (which was definitely necessary being that I have a 9 year old girl living in my house with a head FULL of hair)… so I cornrowed my hair and did a couple sew is….

Lately however I’ve been intrigued by lace wigs…specifically the glueless ones. So I did 10,000 Google searches on the topic…. Watched 900 hours of youtube video reviews and tutorials…and after much much consideration….I buckled down and purchased a full lace glueless wig online through rpgshow ( I will be doing a review on it as soon as I get it.)

Today I’m wearing a lace front from my local Beauty Supply Store. Here in Cali there’s a BSS on every corner…I’m so NOT exaggerating. Here’s a pic…




Here’s a top view.



So.... please read... and enjoy and comment....

Experiment....

A long time ago in a far away land…. Nah, just kidding… a long time ago I did a post of my various hairstyles.

Well, I have a lot of friends that have asked me to do their hair. I’ve had ladies out on the street ask me to do their hair; but I keep telling people that I don’t do hair I just do my own.

The truth is what if the style doesn’t come out good? I am at fault! Or what if their hair falls out?! I don’t need anyone beating me up over her hair! Because I would fight a bitch about my hair!

Well, I have one friend, lets call her Key, really needs help. She’s a great girl really…but her hair game is not up to par. She’s the girl that always leaves her hair in way too long…

My other home girl her hair would normally be shot to hell as well….but she got the message when her sister finished cosmetology school…now she gets her DID every week. She was 35 wearing buns to work… but now she’s all super asymmetrical hair cut stylish chic girl…

Anyways my homegirl Key, asked me to do her hair. She’s short on funds… and I invited her to go to a party with me on Saturday (so I especially, want her hair to be cute.) *cheesy silly smile.

I’ve even thought to myself…she should let me do her hair. Finally this week she asked me to do it. So this Thursday for the first time I will be doing someone’s weave.

Now I am my OWN weavologist; I keeps my hair WHIPPED! but I will be weaving up some one else…. And I’m a lil scared….

Here’s the crazy part….I never do a full head weave on myself. I like it better when I leave a lil bit out…. but she wants no hair out… So I am going to be doing someone eslse hair in way that I’ve never done….

I went on to youtube and checked out a few chics and their closing styles and If KEY doesn’t want to buy the closure, then I am going to use the wrap around and glue and then inert it the closing and then sew in procedure….. We shall see…. I will definitely post and let the WORLD know how it came out….

Chutes and Ladders...

I’ve decided that I am going to update my blog regularly again. I’m going to try to commit to at least once a week…maybe more.
I am so much better when I am writing.
It gives me the opportunity to vent…. So Vent I shall.

So, let me see…what has been going on in my life?

I’m 30 years old now.

My birthday was lovely.
The night of my BIG DAY, VH1 greeted me at the door with a bottle of champagne and two glasses. He took me to this very nice restaurant in Beverly Hills, brought me some very nice solid gold ear rings, I felt like a princess.

The next day, I participated in the Revlon Women’s Walk for Cancer with my sister and daughter. That night I had a big party at a night club. I got SUPER STUPID dumb drunk and threw up on the table…that we were all sitting at...I scrapped my knee... and Vh1 says, I tried to walk home...on my own. sigh. Thank God I have good friends.

What else?
My kid is away for the summer so I’ve been out trying to be grown every chance I get.
I miss my little girl….can’t wait for her to come home

I’ve been taking a zumba class with my sister….which is FUN-A-Docious…I feel sexy once I get home…Like I need to make number 8’s with my hips.

Speaking of my sister, she almost died about a month ago.
Her blood pressure was so high she had to be hospitalized. She wasn’t taking her medicines…why…because her “man” thinks drugs do the body more harm than good…apparently my sister the nurse doesn’t have her own mind anymore…but that’s her life and her choice…I take my hands off of it!

Speaking of men….I love mine. With his old broke…someof the time working, procrastinating, never finishing what he starts ass. Something about him that I love...something about the fact that I love him drives me crazy...but this is my situation. I love him. He loves me.

More to come....

Hit it and quit it....

Just wanted to check in with my BLOG WORLD...

* VH1 and I are still trucking along...

* I had a car accident in my new car last weekend...I'm ok... my car will be ok. I'm sorta ok...still nervous about driving

* My daughter is going to be EIGHT!!! DAMN how the world turns!

*I miss writing... I miss it... miss it... miss it...

* I have so many things I want to tell you and scratch your brains about...

* I have truly truly missed you all...really... man this was my place to touch down and remind myself who I am.

* Booyah!!!

the ruler's back.

About a year ago I was telling myself that I will prolly never find someone that I loved.
Really loved. Someone that I had a serious one on one connection with.
Now that I feel this way...there's so many other worries that I have.

Never, do I feel the possiblity of infedility (is that the proper spelling?) from him or even that he will let me down...

but what if I let him down?

I'm so complicated...you know that song by Robin Thicke?

sigh...

just my thoughts, man just my thoughts.

99 things I've done (mine are bold)

Stole this from Moody Gemini

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland/world
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb--- I hugged one at the zoo, does that count?
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen an eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run...please I am afraid the ball will hit me...
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied...I make it now...if I could pay these bills off.
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal in a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling-Catalina Island.
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie - I was an extra in the movie A.I., the scene where they say "kill the boy!" I was in the addience. I got hazarad pay because they used smoke.
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Gotten flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma Only once, I passed out afterwards.
65. Gone sky diving-Vh1 and I are going to the indoor one at Universal Stuidos City Walk next month, it's part of what I brought him for Christmas.
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy - His name is Bearbear.
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job- Does just never going back qualify?
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book.. I'm a published poet though...
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper I was one of the LAtimes top 100 kids.
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee

gotta get it out.

I've never really spoke about the relationship between my mother and I. Mainly because mother daughter relationships are entirely too complicated. Our relationship is thusly, compounded with I (and many others) believe is a chemical imbalance.

When I think of my childhood before the age of 11. I remember so many momments of not smiling. Of not being happy. Of being alone. Of being scared. Of being hungry.

I mean, I had my share of good things...but the majority of my young life was ROUGH.
Not rough in a my-mothers-on-drugs-no-job-living-with-20-family-members-in-one-house-on-food-stamps (well for about 6 months)-type ROUGH. (Vh1 says that because I didn't have these type of issues it wasn't "rough")but ROUGH indeed.

Rough like a stepfather that hit us (my mother and I),
rough like my mother dragging me across the country while she chased after so called love, rough like being left home alone because she had to work,
rough like not having livingroom furniture,
rough like knowing things that I'm not supposed to tell,
rough like living in a woman's shelter for a month,
rough like living with my mother's co-workers for another month,
rough like never going to an elementary school for an entire year,
rough like being sent off to family members for weeks at a time,
rough like wondering when she'll come get me.
rough like wonder why my love wasn't enough to make her stay in one place
rough like having so many step dad's
rough like not having anyone to follow
rough like never feeling safe,

When I turned 11, we moved back to Cali, she met Larry and the "french roll" hair style became a big deal and for me LIFE CHANGED.

She could french roll better than anyone and so...her customer base grew, $1000 a week, we moved into a house, she brought a car. LIFE CHANGED. With Larry her spirit changed. She became someone new. Her light began to shine.

It's like she realized that I was there. She saw me. For so long she treated me like I didn't exist. And suddenly when I turned 11 I did. I became a real person to her. She began to talk to me, not at me. LIFE CHANGED.

What I've learned is that I don't have to be like her.
My daughter will remember a mother that played with her on the beach and read scary stories under her blanket with a flashlight, got her toes done together, ate ice cream and walked the mall, let her "swim" in the tub, let her play in the rain, let her decorate the tree any way she wanted (until company came), watched cartoons with her, talked to her about boys. a mother that look her in the face when she talks to her, a mother who held her hand and hugged her and kissed her everyday.

I've learned to not compare myself to her. I've learned that I am Jane, not Jane's mother's daughter. I have my own destiny and purpose and I do not have to be a product.
"I don't want to be a product of my environment. I want my environment to be a product of me."

"Misregard" it.

One of my customers always says "Mis-regard it" when I tell her an item that she wants is out of stock...I want to slap her face for saying that ignorant ass shit! And why, when I try to correct her, she gets all butt hurt...yet she continues to say it?

Any who...this got me to thinking about what else aggrevates me..

- when people say "pacific" instead of "specific".

-when someone calls me and I say "oh, I was watching a movie" and they keep talking.

- when I answer the phone here at work and I say "XYZ Drug Company, Jane speaking" and the customer says "Who am I speaking to?"

- when my customers ask me questions about things they are holding in their hands!!!

- when customers want to order drugs without the item number or ndc number or manufacturer name and they can't spell or pronounce the drug name!!!! how stupid!

- when my customers have HORRIBLE ACCENTS and they know you can't understand them but they get an attitude when you don't know what the hell they're saying.

-when customers call and just start ordering stuff... they don't even say who they are or where they calling from! I answer 200 calls a day! IDONOT KNOWYOURVOICE!

-the fact that EVERY Freaking thing I love to read (other than blogs) are ACCESS DENIED at work! I can't even check my freaking email.

-my wisdom tooth feels like I'm giving birth from my mouth.

- when people beg you to do something, and then get mad when you ask for further details...I WILL NOT blindly commit to anything ANYMORE!

-the fact that I've peed 400 times today and I have to go again.

- when people talk about video games like they're real life.

-when my jeans give me muffin top.

-the girl in the cubicle across from me plays the SAME freaking radio station and they play the SAME songs at the SAME time everyday...it drives me postal.

-When hold music is that stupid song off the ice cream truck!! OMG I swear I could hurt someone because of that stupid song!

-When my neighbors boyfriend smokes in the stair well.

-When FRIDAYs go as slow as today has gone.

The flip side continued...

+I steal all the covers, when he's sleep.

+ I let the alarm clock ring four hundred times before I actually get up.

+I like to sleep really really close to him, almost underneath him, when we sleep.... I think he deep down inside he loves it.

+I don't like nuts. So he spent two hours making me curry chicken and I didn't like it cause it had peanut butter in it.

+I never eat leftovers...

+ we fight everytime we go to the grocery store....

+ he hates when my face looks sad, or confused, lonely, or hungry.

+ he hates when I tell him about my bi-polar boss.

+ he hates when I talk about my friend Stace. He thinks she's a waste of time and energy.

umm.....that's all I can think of that he hates...
this is what he loves...lol...of course you knew this was coming! you should know me by now!

I asked him this last night....Crossed legged in the bed while he watched "X-men" (yes, the cartoon) with reading glasses on (I don't wear them normally only when I'm writing or researching something~I'm quirky that way), my yellow legal pad and pen, my "I love geeks shirt" some boy shorts and slouch socks. (He calls this my college co-ed look). It's so funny because he answered my questions, really nonchalantely like he already knew what I was going to ask. Well here are the things he says he loves about me:

*He loves when I smile with my eyes....ladies yall know that cat eye thing we do...haha he falls for it EVERYTIME!

* he loves that I'm a girlie girl, that likes pedicures and manicures and "done" hair

* he loves (and hates)when I pretend that I can't do something, that he knows I can do but I just want him to do it...ie. the toaster oven Sunday morning, lol

*he loves when I put lotion on in front of him. Especially the Jergens body shimmer or BABY OIL (the man loves it!) If he had his wish I'd be oiled up like the movie Belly all day long!

* he loves to watch me do my makeup.

* he loves that I give him manicures and pedicures (shhhh...don't tell anyone).

* he loves when I'm happy to see or hear from him.



He didn't want to play the "why you love me" game any more....so he kissed me and told me to "go to sleep sheep"..

The flip side

I wrote some posts about the things that bug me the most about vh1, here are the things that bug him the most about me:

+ my nails are always dirty.

+ i always preface my questions, like "can I ask you a question?"...

+ i don't speak of our future in the definitive, for expamle I'll say "If we're still dating in December......"

+ i never take out the trash.

+ i don't want him in the kitchen when I cook.

+ i'm addicted to caffiene

+when I wake up he has to wake up

+i talk in my sleep

+ i wear a gangsta rag to sleep

+when i pay for dinner, I always ask him does he want me to pay, before I pay.

+i have text conversations with him.

to be continued....

The Art of LOVE.

Love is being able to deal with:

- the fact that he HAS to take at least ONE bite of our fast food before we get back to the house.

- the fact that he LOVES being naked. If MY is not home, then Vh1 is naked. Naked cooking, naked tv watching, naked slow dancing in the dinning room ...NAKED NAKED NAKED. well I kinda like this about him, but it takes some getting used to...

- the fact that be doesn't put anything in a wallet.

- the fact that there isn't a movie he hasn't seen.

-the fact that he refuses to buy real CD's and DVD's

- the fact that the "V" in his VIP tatooed on his neck looks like a "U"

- the fact that when his hair isn't cut (which is EXTREMELY rare, he cuts his hair twice a week...and he needs it.) he looks like a tight eyed CL Smooth.

-the fact that he cooks EVERYTHING better than me.

-the fact that he loves Hot Topics. It's his favorite store. The t-shirts he gets from there.....

-the fact that he likes to bite my cheek bones.

-the fact that he talks to MY in a British accent. Why? I don't know! But anytme he talks to her it's in a British accent....He's got her doing it now!

-the fact that he uses a new towel everytime he takes a shower.

-the fact that he uses a new glass everytime he drinks.

-the fact that he is not very technologically versed.

-the fact that one of his friends, Charmin or Camera or CarpetMunch or whatever the hell her name is wants us to be buddy buddy...KMA! I hardly like that they are friends. I can't deal with she and I being friends. Female homosexualism is so fickle I can't stand that he's friends with her...it bugs the shit out of me.

-the fact that I've never seen him in a button up shirt....oh wait once but then he spilled something on it and brought another one and I haven't seen it since.

-the fact that he is MAKING me fall in love with him. All the time I have spent pretending to be in love and he comes in and makes me feel like I sleep on fluffy clouds carried by little angel babies through the night.

I HEART music.

I love music.

As I was driving to work this morning, the morning station that I listen to played "The Sweetest Thing" By Lauryn Hill. I almost had an accident as I screamed with excitement. I felt tingly in my hands. Felt like I could explode. Tears formed. It was a happiness I couldn't explain. Something like seeing a family memember I hadn't seen in a while.

There are some songs that I feel so connected to, it's as if I lived them myself.

I could not see my life with out music. Everything I do I can relate to a beat. Working, driving, speaking, parenting, loving, orgasming,. There are some songs that I wish I could breath...songs and words and verses that I wish I could inhale. Even some songs I wish I could cut apart and eat, consume them like a hot meal.

I've got an ongoing rhythm in my head. Not an annoying shoot your co-wokers sound....A life is moving and shaping and growing and becoming and stopping and starting and flowing and haulting all at the same time type sound.

Inspirational, Emotional, Grimy, Intimate, Gritty, Comical, the adjectives could just grow.


Does anyone feel me?

Finally plugged in

Yesterday evening, I sat on the bottom bunk of my 15 year old nephew's bunk beds, filled up with tears. Completely unfocused on the discomfort that the old flattened out mattress was causing me.

My step mother stood leaning on the bunk bed behind me. Unconcerned with her bad knee.

My nephew laid across the top bunk bed a flat pillow balled up underneath his head.

The TV was on and blasting.

In the other room my brother in law sat on the edge of the bed, his arms crossed he was focused.

In the Livingroom the children (about 6 of them ranging in age from 4 to 13) sat legs crossed on the floor half way paying attention the TV.

My big sis, and her two friends sat on the beige leather couch, sharing their opinions and discussing topics they've never dared to care about. My sisters dad sat in his wheelchair near the door (in brand new grey Jordan's) crying. Unable to control his emothions since his stroke 3 years ago.

We all sat. FINALLY tooned in. FINALLY paying attention. FINALLY caring. FINALLY intrested.

Last night marked what I will account as one of the most important momments of our life time; an African American man accepting nomination for the presidency of the United States.

when did my 2 door bently coupe turn into a 4 door honda accord with anti-lock breaks?

man i've really been thinking about how my vision of the "future" has changed.
not in a sense that i am unsatisfied with where i am at; but in the sense that that I thought I wanted is completely different then what is really making me happy.

Stolen from MySpace

I have been in love: True (I keep saying I'm in love with love.
I have dumped someone: true
I have been dumped: Tue
I have had a secret admirer: True....he calls me and tells me
I have had a crush on a much older person: True...Mr. Watson in High school.
I have slept with a co-worker or boss: False
I have been in an abusive relationship: True
I have had a crush on a MySpace friend: False
I have met someone because of MySpace: True
I have drank liquor: True
I have drank beer: True and I hate it.
I have drank wine: True alll day long!
I have smoked a cigarette:FALSE
I have smoked a cigar: I've had a cuban or two, but not in my real life... lol
I have smoked weed: False
I have thrown up from drinking: True
I have blacked out from drinking: True
I have taken pain killers: False, the strongest drug I've ever had was a T3 when I gave birth to MY
I have been suspended from school: False, I was expelled from preschool, though
I have had detention: True... once.
I have been in a car accident: True.
I have seen someone or something die: True.... motorcycle accident on the 405.
I have been robbed or vandalized: True... Car stolen, Rent $ snatched.
I have skipped class: True....of course!!
I have been fired: False
I have been in a fist fight: False
I have fallen asleep at work or school: True
I have watched the sun set: Yes... the other day.
I have felt an earthquake: Yep last week or whenever that was.
I have won a contest: True
I have made a snow angel: True, I lived in Witchita KS for a bit as a kid
!I have been snowboarding: True...BIG BEAR is the shit.
I have been waterskiing: True...Florida is the shit
I have sang karaoke in public: True.... I was Beyonce....and Mary J and SWV and Tina Marie
I have been in a mosh pit: False
I have laid on my back and watched cloud shapes pass by: True
I have built an igloo: False
I have made a gingerbread house: True
I have made a snowman: True
I have been ice skating: True
I have flown a kite: True
I have had a tea party:True
I have built a sand castle: True
I have played poker: False
have gone sledding: True
I have cheated while playing a game: Maybe once....I love competition so I try to play fair
I have been out of the country: True
I have been on a cruise ship: True
I have been on a plane: True
I have had braces: False
I have witnessed a crime: True
I have squished barefoot through mud:True... Witchita...
Ihave swam in the ocean: True
I have felt like I was dying: True
I have cried myself to sleep: True
I have played cops and robbers: True...last weekend...wit Vh1!
I have played a Nintendo Wii:True...it's the best game invented!
I watch American Idol: False
I have paid for a meal with only coins:True... the service was awful, so we spelled out "You suck in coins"
I have made a prank phone call: True... long time ago
I have kissed in the rain: True
I have written a letter to Santa Claus: False
I have blown bubbles: True
I have made a bon fire on the beach: True
I have been on a road trip out of state: True...TheColorado trip of 2000 WHOOOHOO!
I have been rollerblading: False
I had a wish come true: True
I have jumped off a bridge: False
Ihave gotten a speeding ticket: True
I have sat on a roof top: True...My first apartment, the top of the garage was my "backyard"
I have screamed at the top of my lungs: True
I can do a cartwheel: False to fat now
I have talked on the phone more than 6 hours at a time: True...I talk for 8 everyday!
I believe in ghosts: True JUST SPIRITS
I have gone skinny dipping: True
I have been inside a jail: False
I have jumped in a pool with all my clothes on: False
I have broken a bone: True
I have caught a fish.False
I have been asked to make a porno: False
I have mooned/flashed someone: True
I have been scuba diving: True...it's kinda scarey...maybe that's just me.
I have had a cavity:False
I have fallen going up stairs: True
Ihave been shot: False
I have flattened someones tires:False
I have been in a car that ran out of gas: False
I have had sex in a car: TRue...
I have had sex in a public place?True in a car.
I have lived out a fantasy: True.... the forcefully taken fantasy....lol

What's she mean by "they"?

I don't like my co-workers. I 'm the only black girl on my floor. Actually in the whole building...there's one other black girl but... she's not really a fly girl. lol...

Well, in my department I'm the newest person (one year) when I got here everyone already had thier little cliques. So for this year, I've been basically the loner. I dont' really have anything in common with them and don't really care to. I bring my books and read and just do me.

Earlier this week one of the chics in my department says to another guy (both of which I could live my whole life with never speaking to either of them again and be just fine)
"Issac Hayes and Bernie Mac died. They just need one more"
He in turn says "They do go in threes don't they."

I sit across from her and in front of him. I give her the what-the-fuck-did-you-just-say look. she says "Oh, I mean you know actors..."

What yall think?

how'd I end up here? my work history.

Starting when I was 13:
my first job was a parttime tutor at a community center (where i met crazyc...)

my second job was at an elementary school as a teaching assistant, part time.

my third job was at the same place the next summer as a camp helper, part time.

my fourth job was at the same place the next summer as a camp leader, part time.

i was a member of this teen group (sponsored by a very popular Sorority), the teen leader favored me and knew my family needed some extra $. She was the secretary of the chamber of commerce so she offered me my fifth job, a partime position at the chamber of commerce as a receptionist at the mall.

After the summer was over, the job as a camp leader was over. But the position as a receptionist at the mall continued through the school year.

The President of the chamber of commerce liked me so she offered me my sixth job at her federally funded teen pregnancy prevention program, as a health educator.

During Christmas season of the 12th grade I got my seventh job (through the newspaper, my very first interview) as a sales rep at Express clohting. They kept me on part time after Christmas. but I ended up quitting when the President of the chamber of commerce offered me a full time position as a Manager at the pregnancy prevention program.

while working as a health educator, i went to school to get a certificate as a pharmacy technician. it was a bad choice financially, since i am still paying off those stupid high priced loans...but it set me up for later in life.

once i finished my 8 month certificate program, I quit my job as a health educator...actually I just never went back.

i started working at my eighth job as a pharm tech at a hospital, per diem and on weekends....

then i got offered my ninth job, a full time pharmacy techncian at another hospital, so i worked at both hospitals for about two months, then i quit the per diem job and stuck with the full time job. after working with the 2nd hospital for two years. i quit.

after two months of joblessness, i got my tenth job with two staffing agencies. they placed pharmacy staff at different hospitals or pharmacies when they needed additional staff...so i worked at SEVERAL pharmacies and hospitals across Los Angeles. the whole time i worked for the staffing agency, i was applying an interviewing for pharmacies at different places.

The hospital i was positioned in my last month of pregnancy granted me medical leave for 6 weeks exactly. when my doctor extended my pregancy leave beyond 6 weeks, the hospital gave away my position. the staffing agency then didn't have any new open positions.

so once again i was jobless. new baby and all!

for four months this time. no job.

two weeks before my unemployment was about to run out i got a call from a placed i'd applied for six months before. it was for a pharmacy technician instructor for a pharmacy technician school. I went in, interviewed, took the test and started working my eleventh job the next week. i worked partime and i hated it....at first.

i talked to the owner of the school and she transfered me to a campus that was closer to home but still far...and I was still partime.

I got a second job working at a closed care pharmacy-my twelth job (preparing drugs for nursing homes). I hated it. I told my boss at the school I was working at that she needed to make me full time or I would quit. so she made me full time. I taught a class in the morning and worked in the office in the afternoon.

After a year, I realized the school would prolly close due to its lack of accreditation and needed an out quick. So I got another teaching pharmacy tecnician at a pharmacy technician school I worked there teaching two classes. the afternoon and night classes. This was my 13th job.

My boss at the 2nd school quit and i got offered her position. so i worked as the program director and a teacher for about six months. then I quit and I got the sales position I have now.

NOW, I'm in my fourteenth job.
I sale drugs to pharmacies. I am who Walgreens buy's from. I love my job and hate my job at the same time. I feel like this is definitely something I could do for the rest of my life....but I constantly question, who's life am I living?

When I was younger I wanted to be in the BIZ. A singer, a dancer an actress. and now I'm a sales analyst.

Who hoo! It pays the bills.