i hit em up...r.i.p. 2pac

And so I'm back again. yep... I left came back started again and left again...

I missed blogging... I know all my old gal pals are now you-tubers and tumblers and tweeters... but I still love the old 2003 feel of a good blog post about nothing other than opinion and such an such. fuck grammar, spelling and capitalization! WHO! La' Revolution!

lol

so whats happening with me? yall know i loves me a good list so here it tis!

* vh1. we broke up. he went out with some friends and for the first time in 4 or 5 years.. i snooped. when through his thangs and found thangs that weren't the end of the world but were enough to push me over the edge. i was already drowning in ambiguity about where to go with our relationship...the items pushed me to say what i needed to say. we yelled at each other. he said ugly things...i said uglier things and he left. the next day he came back and got all his thangs. that was it. there was no time to sort it all out... but there was time to think... and breathe and clean and focus. i read a lot. i wrote some... i didn't cry. but it was not as bad as i thought it would be. i talked to people i hadn't talked to in a long while (barbershop) and had a drink with the girls on a Wednesday (Naughty naughty) and i started to remember Jane. I missed her. i got acquainted with her.
three and a half weeks later he called me and invited me to dinner. we went out. he talked. i listened. he made promises and i accepted... so here we are. back together...sorry ladies, i'm hopeless. ilovehim. stab me with spoons.

*so this is where we are. living together... 31 and 32. somewhere in the southbay of LA county... he's "lightweight" working but shits not fully right. the majority of the burden is still on me. there's still no 5 year plan in action and my faith in him is still...wavering.
BUT this time I'm happy. I feel understood and appreciated. go figure.

*on the work front, i got a semi-promotion. there;s 8 people in my department. and of the 8 of us, my supervisor choose me to become a SME(subject matter expert)...at first i felt it may be a set up because i'm the only black in the department...but after discussion with friends and family...i decided to take the bait.

our company's getting a new system.... and i get to learn alllll about it. the first shitty part is I have to in turn teach it to every one else.... there are some people i work with that for a lack of a better term, are stupid. and you can't fix stupid....so we shall see how that works out...
The SHITTIEST part of the new SME position is that I have to travel to Illinois two weeks out of the month...during the winter! I am a STRAIGHT Cali girl. I lay on beaches in December. so this is ALL new to me... but I will get to try out some winter time fashion... for the first time.

*What will happen with MY while I'm in Illinois? well my mom quit her job and is getting a divorce....LONG COMPLICATED WAY TOO DETAILED STORY... and so she is looking to buy a house here in Cali again... so she will be my day care assistant. wink wink. It will be a Challenge. I will be out of town Monday through Friday and mom will be at my house with Vh1 and My Monday thru Friday... Saturday and Sunday she will go to my uncles back house...which my uncle and aunt live in Monday thru Friday.

* Most importantly my little girl. she is a little lady now. such a sweet lil chocolate drop. i am so blessed that i get to be in her life. she is such a joy. she fills my heart with so much happiness. iloveher more than anything . she is awesome. the personality that she has developed is so determined and unique and individual... she's such a star. she's not perfect she drives me crazy and is a little hard headed and has started getting attitudes with me... but i still love her through her hormones.

i have another topic i wanted to chat about... but its 12:40 and I have a VERY IMPORTANT meeting about being a SME at 8:30 so I got nappity nap.

Oh! I'm considering giving myself individuals for the first time.


nighty night....


p.s. grammer police kiss my ass ok?..

lost.

So I am contemplating leaving my relationship.

I do this almost every month were I weigh back and forth with myself whether I should stay or go or what. And today…well this weekend, I once again come to the conclusion that this man is crazy…. And he’s driving me crazy.

Over the years we’ve been together he has said some really fucked up things to me. He just says whatever the hell he feels and thinks there is no repercussion for it. He has done some things that are seriously fucked up and thinks there is no repercussion for it.

I’ve done some things and said some things to him as well.

I think we are really beginning to resent each other.


This weekend he didn’t talk to me for three days…. Because I was taking a shower and he barged into the bathroom… and I got an attitude… so of course I become the bitch.

The real deal is I think he wanted to go with his friends on Saturday so he chose to pick a fight with me so that he didn’t have to follow through with our plans of a “date night”.

Sunday night it all came to a head….of course I had to be the one to confront him on his behavior. We get into it… not arguing but the back and forth as usual and then he says…. And I am very serious.

That I have been recording him in the house while I go to work.

No lie.

Now here’s the truth.

I DO in fact own a recording device. I purchased it May of 2011. My boss had become extremely verbally abusive to the employees…so my mother advised that I buy a recorder, to record her assaults; I ordered it online through Amazon.com, it’s this then remote control looking thing that has a big button to record/stop, a play button and a two buttons…. I never actually had to record anything …since the boss and I had a big heart to heart (read: a BIG argument) and since then things have been much better. The recording device is in my bedside dresser.

#1. I have not recorded him during the day. Why? What would be my reason? What would I benefit? When would I have the time to listen to his day long activities? Why would I keep the recording? (well according to him “recordings”)….also it is possible to quite easily hit record …being that it is in my drawer….but I didn’t even know there were recordings on it.

#2. What the hell is he doing in my bedside dresser? Why is he snooping through my shit?

#3. I’m pretty sure it doesn’t even have batteries in it… and if it does… how could they be working?




This is not the first time that I have caught him going through my things…. It really irritates me, mainly because I don’t go through his shit! EVER! And I’m mean like ever!

I need to run far far away from this.

gotta get it out.

I've never really spoke about the relationship between my mother and I. Mainly because mother daughter relationships are entirely too complicated. Our relationship is thusly, compounded with I (and many others) believe is a chemical imbalance.

When I think of my childhood before the age of 11. I remember so many momments of not smiling. Of not being happy. Of being alone. Of being scared. Of being hungry.

I mean, I had my share of good things...but the majority of my young life was ROUGH.
Not rough in a my-mothers-on-drugs-no-job-living-with-20-family-members-in-one-house-on-food-stamps (well for about 6 months)-type ROUGH. (Vh1 says that because I didn't have these type of issues it wasn't "rough")but ROUGH indeed.

Rough like a stepfather that hit us (my mother and I),
rough like my mother dragging me across the country while she chased after so called love, rough like being left home alone because she had to work,
rough like not having livingroom furniture,
rough like knowing things that I'm not supposed to tell,
rough like living in a woman's shelter for a month,
rough like living with my mother's co-workers for another month,
rough like never going to an elementary school for an entire year,
rough like being sent off to family members for weeks at a time,
rough like wondering when she'll come get me.
rough like wonder why my love wasn't enough to make her stay in one place
rough like having so many step dad's
rough like not having anyone to follow
rough like never feeling safe,

When I turned 11, we moved back to Cali, she met Larry and the "french roll" hair style became a big deal and for me LIFE CHANGED.

She could french roll better than anyone and so...her customer base grew, $1000 a week, we moved into a house, she brought a car. LIFE CHANGED. With Larry her spirit changed. She became someone new. Her light began to shine.

It's like she realized that I was there. She saw me. For so long she treated me like I didn't exist. And suddenly when I turned 11 I did. I became a real person to her. She began to talk to me, not at me. LIFE CHANGED.

What I've learned is that I don't have to be like her.
My daughter will remember a mother that played with her on the beach and read scary stories under her blanket with a flashlight, got her toes done together, ate ice cream and walked the mall, let her "swim" in the tub, let her play in the rain, let her decorate the tree any way she wanted (until company came), watched cartoons with her, talked to her about boys. a mother that look her in the face when she talks to her, a mother who held her hand and hugged her and kissed her everyday.

I've learned to not compare myself to her. I've learned that I am Jane, not Jane's mother's daughter. I have my own destiny and purpose and I do not have to be a product.
"I don't want to be a product of my environment. I want my environment to be a product of me."

Family ties.

bigsis and i have been going through a thing this year. not really talking. having major issues. she's pregnant , getting married, and her boyfriend has moved in with her...all of this i had to learn from my mom...not her!

well to complicate the issues more she's been giving me major attitude, everytime i see her. like usual i've been ignoring her.

yesterday, she calls me on my cellphone in tears. She is in full on cry mode. She's 8 months pregnant and apparently her hormones have overcome her.
She starts telling me that:
1. she talked to my grandmother and my grandmother told her that my mom is mad at her; because she never called her to tell her thank you for watching the kids. -My mom prolly really is mad, my sister is extremely selfish and self centered.
2. the hospital she wants to have her baby at won't let her have it there.
3. that she's in a lot of pain and she thinks the baby will come early.
4. that she feels like the baby's foot is sticking out.
5. she's sad that she's going to have the baby and that her mom (my mom, we talk about her like she's two different people....kinda wierd huh?) won't be there and she'll have to do it all by herself.
6. she's scared and misses her little sister.
7. she's arguing wtih her bestfriend that is giving her babyshower (which is this saturday) because she's not following instructions.

I sat and listened to it all...and when she was done. I tried to make her smile. told her i'd see her saturday and hung up with her.

Lesson # 456: Respect your elders.

Friday.
I got my toes done. This beautiful color called Ecentric Orange. It is so beautiful on my chocolate skin. I want to wear it everyday! I got a cute little design...Oh how I love them.

My little cousin Nu, called and asked to ride with me to the family function. I told her, sure. She drove to my house and left her car there.

We ventured out to the beach. The beach of couse was CRACKIN! We had to park like 8 million blocks away and the park next to the beach looked like a mini city. Tents and folks EVERYWHERE. you could barely walk with out steppin on folks.

We somehow found my uncle and his tent and our spot. Pulled out the Dominoes and cards and radio, drank some wine and dark liquor, laughed it out with my family. Then I ate some of the best damn BBQ ever. Oh, what a lazy day. At 9, the city of Redondo did fireworks over the wonderful midnight sky. It lightweight made me want to cry.

Friday Night.
Nu and I needed to shake our booties; so we headed out to this pretty well known hole in the wall bar in Long Beach. We were standing there in line and this hispanic woman with two little boys came walking up. she was crying and looking terrified. Standing there just shaking. Her boyfriend or abuser or whatever, walks up and starts yelling at her in Spanish. the oldest...or tallest of her little boys, stuck out his chest and got real buck with homeboy, yelled "get off my mom!" and shoves the mess out of him. The man then socks the shit out of the lady! Right in her face! blood flew from her mouth and she screamed like her jaw was broke. She fell to the ground. The security from the club all jump up and cover him, socking him beating the shit out of him. Then one of the security gaurds starts going off. Cussing and yelling and screaming at his fellow security gaurds telling them they need to stay out of that man (the man on the grown moaning cause he just got and old fashion beatdown) business. I mean seriously angry, like he himself was an abuser. It was really sad. The security gaurd was so angry at the others that helped her that he got in his car and left.

Once inside the club, I grabbed a drink (French connection...of course) and had a seat with Nu at these little stools they have set up.

This man, about 40 sees me sitting and makes mention of my pretty toes. I smile and keep it pushin. Not my type. Not intrested in old drunk men. He comes over to us. Talking acting like we old friends. I roll my eyes try not to make nice. Not my type. Not intrested in men who can't stand up straight. He goes on and on about his job where he's "in the union" and makes $23 dollars and hour" WHO HOOO!...Not my type. Not intrested in a man who lies about his income. Nu (23 years old), maintains conversation with the man.

I know what this is leading to; so I try to avoid it. I'm a old playa. I know this man ain't shit or bout shit. I'm not excepting shit from him, no water, no drink, no company, nothing. not intrested, keep it pusshin.

Little cus, likes the attention, trying to get something for nuthin. What all these young girls I see out there are about. Trying to get drinks. Trying to get money...fuck that! Always, tell my little cousins, have yourself. Have $ for your own drinks. That way if a nigga you don't like offers you can always say no. Oh, how I wish they'd lean there's no such thing as something for nothing.

I know this man is trouble and I don't need trouble right now. He lets me know his name is Greg. I squint eyes at Greg he rubs his hand down my back. I say "don't touch me." As politely as a comment like that can be said; but I knew later there'd be trouble.

I tried to give little cus the signal, but she was loving that attention. Drinking and feeding on that attention. Greg, would not leave. He tried to scoop Jane up all night. Jane is not intrested. Greg could care less. He stood near us the whole night.

Supercutie enters the bar. He's with a chic that was somebody's jumpoff. I couldn't tell if it was supercutie's or his boy in the orange shirt. I met eyes with him and smiled. let him know i saw him. it took him all night, but he came over. We met eyes and talked with them for a minute. Finally, he asked was I here with anyone. I say no.

Greg jumps in between Supercutie and I and says "Me." I say "No, I'm here with my cousin Nu. that's it" Greg says, "naw baby, you here with me." and grabs my hand. Jane's first reaction is fire first. but I caught my self. I said "get the fuck off me. you don't know me nigga." he says "my bad, I'm sorry my bad." He walks away. I'm still tense. Wanna fuck Greg up now. My anger is building. Super cutie rubs my arm and feeds me some awesome game. Somebody's jumpoff, the girl, that was in his crew was burning a hole in the back of his neck.
Greg comes over to me several times. Rubbing my back. Trying to continue talking to me.

Finally, my anger explodes! I start cussing this man out like I knew him. I tell him to leave me the fuck alone. Get away from me. Stop touching me. The security swarm me. As I yeild my drink glass at this man, ready to bust him in the face. I yell obsence obsenities at him. pissed off. If I could turn red I would've been red. My head hurt from my lack of oxygen from yelling so long. The security walk greg out to the smokin area. Where Nu, had been all this time.

I stand there being comforted by supercutie. being eyeballed by somebody's jumpoff. I calm down. When the Dj plays a hot ass Red Rat song (reggae) and I keep an eye out for Nu. Making sure that Greg isn't saying shit to her.

She comes inside and she and I laugh about somebody's jump off. I don't get a chance to entirely explain what happened with greg. As he comes over and is buzzin in my ear again. I yell "get the fuck away from me" Lil cuz, looks at me like I'm trippin.

I'm ready to go. I pick up my shit. Supercutie walks me to the door. drunk greg close behind and Little cuz next to him. I frown at little cuz. but wait till I'm out side to address my concern.
I pull her collar and say "yo, homeboy is trippin.. Why you letting him follow you? he is crazy. stay away from him." Lil cuz says "Well, when we were outside he told me that you told him you'd give him a ride home. He lives around the corner."

I say "WhAT! I ain't giving nobody no ride. No where. Especially not no niga. Fuck that shit. How he get here? He a grown ass man! He can get a ride. Fuck that no."

She says" well he think he getting a ride. can't we just give him one? Don't be like that. He's ok."

I say" hell no! we don't know him. Fuck him. "

She says "Don't be a bitch Jane."

I say "What did you just say to me?" And give her the look. That ok. you've gone to far look.

She looks at me like she's a little nervous and I look at her like if she says another word I'll slap the shit out of her ass. I would have too if she would've said something eles. She didn't. she was quiet the whole ride back to my house. I told her to call me when she got home.

She didn't. I called her in the morning and she apologized for her disrespect.

When well these young girls ever learn?

my fun weekend...

friday...
stace and i went out to the comedy club...hilarious... rodney perry is a straight up foolie-o. we came in late, so he had me doing the beyonce bootie dance on stage....on that was priceless!
What yall think, cute? I thought so...ha!

afterwards we went across the street to this cuban resturant that these hip hop heads were renting out, and drank all the tequila sunset's our hearts desired (they were free)....

Saturday, my family had a picnic.... look at these cute little random cousin's of mine, I want to bite thier little cheaks...

Trip this, at the park that we went to, the comedian from the night before was there hosting a jazz festival on the other side of the park....it was quite funny when i pulled him aside and bust him out for busting me out...

Saturday night VH1 and I went to got see "Don't Mess with the Zohan". It's um.... well have a drink before you see it and you'll like it more..lol.

Sunday... Flores came by to visit. He and I played a little uno...he got his ass whooped! and watched the Lakers almost win... don't worry tonight we shall be VICTORIOUS!

note: flatrandy and i have been having a great time together....pictures coming soon...don't think I forgot!

Update: my sister

so if you remember, my sister and I are not on speaking terms.
(hey smart guys, how do I link a post within a post?)

she's pregnant, getting married and the boyfriend has moved in and she chose not to share any of that with me. Matter of fact, has not spoken to me since January (I wrote about it already).

last sunday when i went to the bondfire, she called my cellphone. it was really loud so i let the call go to the voice mail. she left a message that said "Hi Jane, this is Bigsis. I wanted to let you know that I'm expecting and that it's a girl." the voice mail cut off after that.

I didn't respond immediately because ALL of me was so irritated by the message. You're only sister, actually you're only blood sibling and this is the way you choose to tell her you're pregnant?

so the next day i text messaged her: congratulations. i wish you all the best.

she writes: well i know you're mad but i'm here for you when you need me.

aint that some shit? tryna act like i'm the one orchestrating this shit?

minutes later my loud mouth pill popping aunt calls, telling me she's mad at ME for not talking to BIGSIS. I'm telling my aunt she got it all mixed up. BIGSIS decided not to speak to me.

I call bigsis, no answer. i text bigsis, I had to call her out on this shit. I say: stop calling around telling everyone how i'm not speaking to you. I went to your house and you didn't say a damn thing to me...even though I already knew you were pregnant.

she texts back: thought you were mad about christmas.

I text: wtf? I've spoken to you since then. I'm not the type to hold grudges, that's you. get over it.

she text back: well I am still upset about that.

I text: It's June.

She doesn't write back. I'm glad because whatever I had to say was going to include obscenities.
I'm sick of her childish bullshit. She's seven years older but I swear she's the youngest.

SO this Saturday, My uncle (that's married to my loud mouth pill popping aunt) had a picnic around the corner at this little park. I had prepared my self mentally that Bigsis would most likely be there.

She came much later. Stace and I sat on a bench with our backs facing them and my aunt and cousin sat on the other side. so when Bigsis came up, she didn't see my aunt only my back. For ten minutes she stood way on the otherside. Not until she saw that my aunt was there did she come to the table.

You know I'm actress right? so I turned around and said "Hi, How areyou?" I smiled a big smile. and she looked surprised. she forced herself to smile.

I turned around and let everyone finish their hellos.

my loud mouth pill popping aunt then decides it's her responsibility to "get to the bottom of things" so she says "Bigsis hug and kiss your sister!" I immediately get an attitude. I hate nosey ass people. And I hate how my sister always runs her fucking mouth. WHY does the whole family know we ain't talking?

My loud mouth pill popping aunt continues to go on and on and on. They knowI'm the crazy one!

They know I'm my mothers' daughter and yet she chooses to temp me. I am just like my momma. I will cuss anyone out anywhere anyhow. don't give a damn about the repercussions. my family knows it! and yet they temp me!

I say" Lisa, you always in everybody business. mind your own damn business sometimes. You always do that, let people figure things out on their own, damn!"All the shit going on in her life and she want to teach me how to handle my business? I need a whole other post to tell her story... I was so heated I could've hit her! honestly.

It didn't surprise her that I went off. My family know I'm a ticking time bomb.

I went off on her for about three minutes. Everyone just stood there. looking at her, not at me.
she says after I'm done. "I wasn't even talking to you. I was talking to bigsis" she says it real condesendingly (yeah it ain't a word but it works) I say "stop talking to me." My uncle watched the whole thing and finally stepped in "don't talk to your aunt like that" I say "whatever, yall know she always in somebody business" My second cousin comes over and tells my loud mouth pill popping aunt to leave Jane alone and get out the business.

My sis and I just avoided each other the rest of the time. It was crazy akward.

When I was ready to go. I told my aunt goodbye and she rolled her eyes at me.

she was high though she prolly won't remember it 2moro.

And so continues the drama.

Won't be posting much any more, sick ofhaving to eat my words.

this post is inspired by nina sharing her suicide story.

i have thought of suicide, but never attempted it. i read an article prior to reading nina's post I read this article that said the rate of suicide is higher in african american youths than any other racial group. are we really feeling like there's nothing to live for? is this life this hard to live up to? are we as a people failing to teach our young people the ability to "cope"? i thought that's what we did, i thought black people survived reached out of the mud and held on to anything we possibly could to pull our selves up out of this damn rut that we're in! we made it across the atlantic, through slavery, through beign 4/5ths human, through being beaten and water hosed, being sent to war to defend a country that doesn't love us, through pain and agony and now you're telling me that we can't cope with the age of bling bling? are we serious? wtf?



well here's my experience with suicide:
i was 15 and 1/2 years old. it was the day before i had planned to re-take my driver's license test. i had taken the test before and failed. i still believe the examiner was simply biased of my age; she said i was "driving too slow and tailgating"; how can you do both? anyways, i could feel the determination in me building. i was ready.


i went to sleep early. laid my clothes out. set my alarm clock. called the bank to make sure the $750 i had saved, to go towards half of the cost of my own car, was still there. i inhaled deep covered in fresh pajamas and clean sheets and exhaled into a deep sleep filled with excitement.



i was awaken about four hours later by mother. she was nose to nose to me. she'd waken me up so many times in my life this way that this time didn't even startle me."Jane get up!"

my eyes hazed with the happiness of the freedom a driver's license would give me. "Wake up Jane." What does she want now? I thought, knowing she was good for waking me up to tell me about her "awful" dream or a "preminition" she had or to make a get-a-away or make me wash dishes or whatever.



Doesn't she know I have things to do in the morning? I had paid for the driving instructor to meet me at the DMV at 7am so that I could use thier car to test. Just so that I didn't have to depend on anyone.



"Jane."

"Yes." I hissed with an intentional attitude.

"Call 911."

"What?" I gave her the wtf-look.

She grabbed my arm and brought me into her room. I sat down on the bed. eyes still closed.



"V- just called. You need to call 911" She seemed nervous, but who knew how true it was. V- was the name of my sister's bestfriend. My sister had just broken up with her first son's father. the two of them had been childhood sweethearts. my sister and i weren't really close then so i had no idea of what she was going through. "Bigsis tried to commit suicide. You got to call 911" the trembling woman continued.



"why me?" I frowned. my belly begin to bubble. i leaned over and frowned from the pain, my usual sign of impending stress.

"Just CALL!" she yelled handing me the phone. my hands whobbled partly from the pain partly from the the fact that this frantic woman could be telling the truth, my older sister could have commited suicide.

I dialed the numbers. 9-1-1. "911, what's your emergency?"

"Um, I want to report that someone mayhave commited suicide."
"Oh, you mean Bigsis? I've been on the phone with her for awhile." How amazing that this operator was the sameone that my sister had been pouring her soul out on the phone to for the last two hours...how odd i found it... how many operators were there working? I mean this is Los Angeles and this is the middle of the night!
I say "really?"
She replies "yes, would you like the information on where we're sending her?"
15 year old me " sending her?"
The frantic woman that had been pacing the room while I had this overly adult conversation with a 911 operator, snatched the phone from me "yes, we'd like to know where you're taking her.'

My mother dressed and pulled her hair back into a ponytail. She begged me to come with her. I stubbornly and selfishly refused. I rewrapped my hair got back into my bed and decided to block the event from my intentional focus 'getting my license so i could get the hell away from here'.

That morning, my mother wasn't home, when I woke up. I didn't call my sister's cellphone. I caught the bus to the DMV. I passed the test. Feel in teenagelove with the instructor who gave me my test...he was fine.... hummph.

I was excited! I jumped up and down. There was no one there to celebrate with me. That was usual, so I wasn't upset. I went back in, to take my photo and thumbprint. When I came back out my aunt was there to pick me up, just as I'd planned. She took me to breakfast and explained that my sister had taken a bottle of exedrin. Her stomach had to be pumped. but she was fine.

I've never told anyone. I've never talked to my sister about. I don't even feel sad about it. I don't really know how to feel....

Things I'm not supposed to say.

There are times when I wish I could get in my car and drive away from it all! My job. My apartment. My life. singleparenthood. California. Inglewood. Carson. Just get away from this fucking neverending cycle that I call my life. Wish I could climb my way out this valley. The mud is just too slippery. Everytime I get a grip I just slide right back into this same shit. Same muck. thick ass mud. I built a house in flood lands. I'm standing here looking at it get washed away.

I wish I could just get on the 10 fwy South and Just go. South America?!. Leave everything. fuck it. Just drive until there's simply nowhere else to drive. Once I got where I ended up I'd just get out my car and stand there in silence and wait. Wait for whatever is next. I'd just stand there and wait until whatever happened.

I get so sick of the regularity of life sometimes. These catagories I'm supposed to fit in. Daughter. Mom. Sister. Friend. Cousin. Employee. Christian. Single. Engaged. Law obiding. Truthful. Honest. Kind. Sweet. Who the fuck decided that I always have to be sweet?

I am tired of being a singlemom. Tired of being the responsible one. He gets to not have a job, no apartment, no possessions (expect what he got when he was with me) and only see his child when he feels like it. Lay around all fucking day with no goals and no future and I HAVE TO have a plan. I HAVE TO go to work. I HAVE TO.

SHIT! I'm tired. I never get a fucking break. 7 days a week. 24 hours a day I am someones mom. I am never just JANE anymore. No one told me I would never just be me anymore. I swear I am going to loose me. scratch that...I am loosing me. I don't remember JANE anymore?!. I mean I do but it's like I just read about her she's this character in some story somewhere...I'm not still her. So much I remember about me that I am not anymore.

There are times when my daughter's personality and mine do not mix. She's a star gazer looking at the world through rose colored glasses, seeing everything and everyplace for the first time. She likes to turn every fucking thing into a game. Imagine that the every walk is a race. Every piece of fabric was left by a princesses dress. Every bit of the world is a fairy tale. For her it's fine. but when I'm fifteen minutes late already I JUST DONT HAVE TIME TO LISTEN! I don't want to know that those cotton balls I dropped in the bathroom look like a "happy little bunny"!

The co-worker that sits behind me is a fuckingidiot. God had a meeting on a cloud one day and the biggest idiot fell down into the cubicle behind me. OMG I want to peel his skin off! He agrevates me to the 99th pissitvity. The next time he goes on a rampage about Obama's face I'm going to spit on him......that's why I coughed on his telephone and keyboard when he went to lunch.

I am tired of being lonely. It's an un-intimate lonely. I Have friends. I have church friends. I have friends I can cry to. I have friends I can gossip too I have catch a cup of coffee friends. I even have just sit and look at the sun set friends. I have family. I have an intimate detailed relationship with Christ. I love myself. I have goals and beliefs and values but I feel like I'm missing something. An intimacy...a closeness... Am I? Am I missing out on somehting?



I hate people who don't speak English and get an attitude when you don't understand what they are saying.

I fucking hate when people tell me that I'm "pretty for a dark skin girl" Who the fuck decided that there's only one form of pretty? Fuck you.

And who is he to think that knows something bout me? He is not a part of my REAL life. He's a part of the life I allow him to see. The part that I let him believe in. The part I allow him to think he's apart of...shit that's what the fuck he does for me. For him to believe he knows me enought to make comment on JANE?! That shit takes NUTS! A lotta fucking nuts! And from a man who can't hold his nut for three minutes I'm supposed to learn about patience! That's why I don't call you!

I hate when I smile and say hello and bitches scrunch up their fucking faces... Bitch the sun is shinning take a shit and have a good day once in a while! ARGGH..

Where is everybodying getting money for brand new cars these days. EVERYFUCKINPERSON in Inglewoood has a brand new car but me?! I work 96 hours a paycheck and I ain't got a new car?! Somebody tell me what I don't know?!

Just cause I bring up the fact that you used to work at the burger spot that we are eating at does not mean I'm hating on you bitch! We're eating at the fucking place... Stop fucking hiding from your past and you wouldn't have to shush me when I bring shit up!

Sigh... now that I got that off my chest.... I feel much much better... debate with me if you want to...I don't care...

OHHSA.

Jane's sneaking a boy into the house story.

When I was seventeen and a senior in high school, my mother called me in her room one night and told me that she was moving to Palmdale (about two hours from where we lived). I burst into tears.

How could she expect me to move away my senior year in high school? Move away from my friends that I’d known since I was in sixth grade. Move away from MS, my super special boyfriend at the time. Move away from everything I’d known for the last ten years… I was balling. I was screaming at my mom begging and pleading with her.

She stood up, in a sort of cocky fashion and told me "I hadn’t intended on you moving with me."

She went on to tell me that she had planned on her and my step dad moving and little Jane staying in the apartment with a roommate.

I was gonna party like it was 1999; because, it was 1999!!!!! Or so I thought...

Well the lady she got to be my roommate was 400 years old. She had this lady act as my guardian, since my parents were two hours away. The roommate was Satan in a moo-moo. My partying plan was foiled. She was horrible…. I was the brown version of Cinderella.

I only went to school half days; since I’d completed my credits that winter. I went to school 8a to 12p then I worked at Express (the clothing store) 2p to 7p. Then I had ballet class 730 to 930 three nights a week. Satan made sure I was where I was supposed to be. She made sure I cleaned my room and walked my dog and washed clothes and cleaned the front bathroom and wasn't out late.... I mean really?

She was on me worst than my mom ever was. My mom was always real relaxed. As long as I did well in school she was trippin off me, ya know?

Well life with Satan was so bad that I moved out. I moved in with my uncle at his two bedroom condo in Marino Del Rey (this really UPSCALE area near the beach). Well my uncle had one room and I had the other. There was a bathroom upstairs that had doors where you could enter from both rooms; my uncle figured since I’ma chick I needed my own bathroom so he blocked off his own door into the bathroom.

Well one weekend he told me that he was going to spend the ENTIRE weekend with his estranged wife in Arizona.

So I, thinking I was extra grown in, what I considered, "my" condo; since I paid rent and my uncle could careless where I was. I invited MS over for the weekend.

He came over and we were living in our fantasy world. Pretending this two-story condo, with a pool and spa was "ours". We were living it up…

I cooked dinner. We took a dip in the jacuzzi. We watched TV on the big screen down stairs. Drank wine out of $300 wine glasses. Then made our little way up to my room.

We were on our bed making out (I know that’s corny) getting a little hot and heavy. Shirts were off, pants were un-zipped, slobber was every where HA!.

Suddenly the front door opened. I could hear my uncle and his estranged wife arguing about something.

I hopped off the bed. Closed the door. Threw on a shirt pushed MS into the bathroom, told him not to breathe.

My uncle’s wife left in a rush. He stayed downstairs for about thirty minutes. I pulled MS back into my room and we whispered about what our plan was. I was terrified.

As grown as I thought I was, if my uncle found MS in my room, I’d be one dead 17 year old.

Finally my uncle came upstairs and he came straight to my room. MS was in the closet. My uncle sat on my bed and began to tell me an hour and a half long story about how he and his wife got into an argument on the way to Arizona and how he was afraid this was the end of their relationship and on and on and on and on and on.

I tried to give him signals that I was tired. I yawned I closed my eyes for extended periods of time, I completely stopped talking to him. I wanted him out! Get this, he started crying... and asking for my 17 year old-hidding-a-boy-in-my-closet self for advise.

After his sad display of un-manliness my uncle finally went to sleep in his room.

I let MS out of the cramped closet. We lay in my bed, with him closest to the wall away from the door. He whispered how mad he was at me and how embarrassed he was… We whisper-laughed about the ridiculousness of the situation until about 3am. Around that time, I went downstairs alone, and pretended to get a glass of water, I opened the front door and left it open.

Then I went back upstairs and MS went downstairs and out the front door….

My uncle was never the wiser.

After that MS would just sneak me into his house, where he stayed with his aunt. LOL... I know I was a hussy....sue me.

fuck anger. i'm beyond done.

bigsis is pregnant. her boyfriend has moved in with her. she's getting married in 2009.

wow, big news. great news. wonderful news. right?

did i hear it from my flesh and blood sister's own mouth? no.

had to hear it through the mutha fucken grape vine. had to hear it from a second hand source. spoke to bigsis this morning. went to bigsis's house this afternoon.

did she say a fucken thing to me? no.

did she mention anything after i accidentally on purpose tripped over her bf's clothes? no.

did she say shit to me? no.



i am so fucken mad right now, i don't even have words.



you're doing life changing shit and you don't even want to share the shit with me?



our relationship is over.



i'm closing the chapter on trying to have a realtionship with her.



for those of you that have traditional relationships with your siblings, you're prolly reading and thinking...oooo they'll be friends next week... naw... let me air my families dirty laundry and explain to you why i'm fucken done...for good:



my mom met, fell in love and got pregnant by a 25 year old guy when she was16.

they went through a heated custody battle after the big sis was born(ie. stealing her from each other and all types of crap). finally my mom gave up. let him take her.

moms finished school. went to college. started working as an editor and got transfer to chicago, il.



by now bigsis was seven, still living wit her dad. being fed half truths of our mom and her sorted issues. living an extremely sheltered and catered to life.



moms met a dude, got married and had a baby, me. divorced, quit her job moved back to cali.



flash foward. after many more marraiges, many in the middle of the night moves, many elementary school changes, many states...



1989we ended up in Cali again for good. 3rd grade for me. 10th grade for bigsis.

1991 we moved in together. for the first time the three of us. horrible situation. the two of us hardly had a bedroom. the man mom was still married to found us. the restraining order didn't do its trick (this was way before oj) . bigsis went back to her dads. me and mom back on the run. trial and case. he ended up in jail for 5 years.

late 91 mom met larry. the first man to ever show me how i should be treated.

93 bigsis followed moms footprints, another pregnant teen. finally the two of them had something to bond over. finally they had a relationship.

00 larry and mom divorce.

02 larry dies. MY is born. bigsis and i have something to bond over.

03 mom ditches both of us. moves to florida and marries someone new.



now through these years i grew up the friendly say what the hell i want to say get in trouble fuckit outgoing wild child one. bigsis the reserved hold it all in quiet one; because of this our family overcompensates. feels i need the extra pats on the back, the extra support the cards and extra $. moms does to feels sorry for the shit i saw before i was old enough to know what it was.



bigsis hold it all against me.

no matter how i try to kiss ass to squeeze in and have the type of relationship i think we're supposed to have. the more she lets me know she's still gotta grudge.



at 26. in 2008. after this shit. i finally say fuck it.

warm delights....ummmm

ok, so i lied no new post followed for the weekend...
but; seriously i got home from church yesterday, walked into the house and i swear i thought i was going to faint. suddenly i was dizzy, i felt naueous, my head started pounding and spinning and i felt sweat on my brow (i've always wanted to refer to my big ole forehead as my "brow") then i felt like i had to lay down immediately. my head hurt horribly. it felt like the light from outside was going to cause my head to explode. i took some motrin and passed out in the middle of the livingroom floor since that was the only place that i could find (i broke my bed that morning...another story for another day...no...get your minds out of the gutter...) when i awoke at5 pm (four hours later) i felt much much better....

now i do realize how errily close my symptoms mirror pregnancy. i have taken this matter into consideration. now, as careful and as cautious that i consider myself to be around the male life fluid... (lol, i'm luahging at how stupid that sounds...lol) i know that accidents do happen...now trust i will be commiting myself to a mental institution if said is the case.... a much more apealing case would be that i think i am begining to have migraines.... what causes migraines? why yes pregnancy (increase in hormonal levels etc.), is another matter to take into consideration...i seriously doubt it...

i don't know but i do know that i am a different person in 2008. the migraines and a few other things that i'll tell ya when you really got the time...

well here's a few things i've learned already in 2008:
I've learned....
1. there was no good reason for dumping brent.... (long story)

2. i can live without crazyc.

3. the more i spend time with babershop the more i like him

4. babershop looks delicious in a suit.

5. that i don't have to sterilize my house everyday.

6. that i am too blessed.

7. missing a few nights of sleep will mess your head up bad...

8. i love betty crocker's warm delights hot fudge brownie; i'm eating one now.

9. i love big hair.

10. my sister is evil.

ahhhh so much to fill yall in on so little time....
alas, i must finish my brownie and lactuse free milk in my bed...

To Scrooge or not to Scrooge...

Monday- Work…

My plan was to take MY’s bike (that Santa brought her) to the bike shop around the corner to be put together go over my sister’s and bake cookies and in the morning drive out to my aunt’s in Lancaster. But I spoke with my sister and she told me that she’s not baking cookies any more she’s going out to my uncles in Fontana. So I figured I’d go out to my uncles in Fontana and forget about my aunt’s in Lancaster.

SOOOO, I decided to drive all the way out to Fontana (one hour and 15 minutes) to my crazy uncle Wiz's house.

My aunt from Lancaster, that I used to say is becoming the family drunk but now I know is officially the family drunk, was there. She was drunk. As soon as I walked in the door, she tells me “J you’re fat. Yeah you’re getting fat.” I say “No I’m not. I’m the same 140 pounds that I’ve weighed all year long.” My fat drunk aunt starts yelling “no, you’re fat. You know what, you must be pregnant.” I say “unless there’s such a thing as instant pregnant I’m not pregnant.” She begins going on and on in a five minute dissertation on how fat she thinks I am. I got so fucken angry. I tried ignoring her but I couldn’t. I ended up having to tell her to “stop talking to me.” I would have went home but my uncle (fat auntie's husband) was sitting on my jacket. My crazy uncle wiz, ended up telling my fat drunk aunt that she needed to shut up or else he’d put her ass out of his house.

I sang a round of karaoke with my sister and crazy uncle wiz. Then I had to leave. Had to get away from my fat drunk aunt who keep tryna continue talking to me after I told her to leave me the hell alone.

Today- MY and I woke up around 9 and opened the gifts.

I had tried putting My’s bike together myself, late last night early this morning, but I wasn’t strong enough to unscrew the handlebars so I ended up funken up the nut that screws on, so the whole bike is together cept the handlebars.

My plan for the day was to stay home and get someone to fix her bike so that she could she ride it and I could lay on the couch and watch movies after I took my daughter by her dad’s people.

My sister again and her boyfriend invited us to go to his dad’s house. I turned them down. They called back and asked us to come with them again. I figured “hey why not, get some food” I asked what time, they tell me 4. My sisters boyfriend says he’ll come fix mya’s handlebars on the way to his dad’s, I say ok.

I take My to her dad’s grandmother’s house to get gifts from his family…. Oh… have I got a story to tell about my ragedy ass baby daddy. At his grandmother’s house, of whom he’s not invited to, all of his damn cousins are there. All are now married. All have brand new babies and cars. Sighhhh.

Well we stay for just a minute because we’re supposed to go to my sisters boyfriends fathers’ house at 4 and it was 3:30.

SO we rush home to meet up wit my sisters boyfriend so that he can fix My’s bike. He says that I messed up the outside of the nut and that he has to use another type of tool to fix the bike. So he’d have to take it and bring it to me tomorrow. He then says that he still has to go home get dressed go back to my sisters and then go to his parents.

I ponder on whether I should just stay home, like I planned, but I convinced myself to go. At 5:30 my sister calls me to say they’re leaving to go his dad’s (one and a half hours late) So, I say ok, are you guys still coming here first so that I can follow you like we planned. She says oh just meet us there. I write down the address, then she says oh, my cellphone isn’t working so use my boyfriends. I hate bootleg shit...

I get to the house of the home of people I do not know on Christmas and I call my sister’s boyfriends phone and he does not answer. So I now have to go to the door of the house that I’ve never been to. A man I’ve never met opens the door.

I say, we’re friends of my sisters boyfriend and the dad is looking at s like ok and…. He says ok then what’s your name? I say Jen. He lets us in we’re just standing there finally my sister’s boyfriend comes out. Everyone’s just standing there I say hello and no one really reacts. I say where’s my sister? And he says oh, she’s in the other room. I go into the other room say hello, no one really responds. I go to where my sister is sitting and I tell her that I don’t appreciate the bootleggedness of this all. She laughs.

Then her boyfriend, keys in hand, says “come lets go.” I’m already feeling like I shouldn’t be there and then they tell me they are leaving. My sister tries to straighten it out with the I’m just going around the corner crap. I call my nephew and ask him to get MY for me. My sister and her boyfriend then begin fixing us plates and trying to convince us to stay. I was so pissed I didn’t even want anything to eat. Matter of fact I shouldn’t even went. I was really angry and just wanted to go home. And that’s what I did.

Now, I’m home eating chocolate cake and drinking hot cocoa. I need to remind myself to do only what I want to do.

The begining.

If you don’t like what you read in my blog, because it really is my blog… don’t read it; and that’s all I have to say about that.


Is this the truth or from my imagination?


I was seven years old. We lived in one of the grimiest, dirtiest, racially segregated areas in South Carolina. The exact city, don’t really matter and I really honestly can’t remember and I definitely don’t want to ask this is one of those things you don’t discuss. Why we were living there is a whole other story in itself, one for another day…maybe.

Anyways, it was just before day in the morning when I woke up realizing that I was being shaken. I was happy because I figured it was time to get up for school; which meant I’d get to get away from the four empty rooms that made up our two bedroom apartment. We’d been living on the floors of these four empty rooms for about three months. In my young mind it felt like years. It felt like I’d been suffering there just as long as everyone else that lived there had.

There was about 400 apartments in a 6 block radius. All red brick. All 8 floors. I remember very specifically that all the buildings had 8 floors. We lived on the 3rd floor.

“Wake up”, She said to me through cupped lips. The way she’d talk to me when I was talking to loudly in church. “Wake up now”. I inhaled deep. And looked at her eyes. I needed to know who it was I was dealing with. Even then I knew there was more than one person in there. “Wake up” she said shaking me again. Clearly, I was already awake, she just wanted to be sure. “Put this on.” She handed me a pair of jeans and a shirt. I knew for sure I wasn’t going to school. We weren’t allowed to wear jeans.

“Hurry up, Jenny” She said my name with a pause in the middle which always meant the worst. This wasn’t the her I liked. This was the one I feared.

I threw on my clothes, as she hovered in the doorway to my room, like a look out. “Hurry up” she kept saying. I struggled to put on my shoes. And slid on my windbreaker jacket. I walked to her, she knelt down to me “Don’t say anything.” She put her finger on my lips. This was a different her. The one I felt sorry for. The one, even then, I understood.

We had to be quiet not to wake the Bear.
That was the nickname I’d use for my step father to my friends. I won’t dare say it to my mother or to him. I would never live that down. At seven, I hardly said anything, to any adult. I spoke only when necessary. I was so afraid of pleasing them. I was afraid of saying the wrong thing, so I just said nothing.

Once we were out the front door and running down the hall stairs. She said “I have to get you out of here.” I rolled my eyes. I’d heard that before. I knew that story already. She’d leave and we’d get an apartment and things would be semi-normal for a while. Then one morning, the Bear would be there making me oatmeal in the morning. Even though. I despised oatmeal. I knew the cycle was destined to simply continue.

Outside, I realized it wasn’t morning. It was night. I must’ve only slept for two hours before she’d woken me up. We were running. It was dark. There were trees. Hundreds of trees, everywhere. We were on a road but there was no sidewalk. We walked briskly down a highway, that had no side walk. The rocks and twigs hurt as they pressed against the bottom of my machine washed Keds. I refrained from complaining. I knew not to.

I knew we were poor. There wasn’t a damn thing close to our building. Not even a liquor store. Growing up in the ghetto in California means that there’s a liquor store, or a liquor mart or a gas station on every corner…not there. We lived right out in the middle of the fucken wilderness. A ghetto in the woods. It’s like all the white people made sure to put us on the outskirts so they didn’t have to see us, unless we was spending money.

“Where are we going, now.” I thought to myself. I prayed that I could at least get my clothes this time. Or my backpack. Victor, a boy I had liked in my class, had written me a “I like you do you like me. Circle one. YES NO” note. I needed to respond to it. I wouldn’t have the chance to. I never went back to that school.

We walked for at least an hour. Non-stop. I started crying silently about thirty minutes into our journey. My feet hurt. Bad. My cheeks were covered in tears and snot. And she hadn’t said anything to me for a while. She only mumbled random nothingness to herself.
She looked out into the street. Shaking her head at cars as the passed us.

Finally, she broke her maddened silence. “You see that shit! They didn’t even stop to ask if we were ok! The fucken cops see a mother and her child walking down the street at midnight and don’t ask if there’s a problem!!! Even in California they’d stop to see what’s the problem! I hate this Fucking place.”

My stomach started flipping as it did when I was scared. My little stomach flipped and flopped and I could feel the constipation build. I wanted to fall over as my poor belly bubbled. If we were at home, I would have been in the bathroom, with the door locked, the sink water running to drain out the sounds of She and the Bear yelling at each other. My little hands on my ears humming and talking to myself. Encouraging myself. I knew, even then, that only I could help me.

We continued walking. She began mumbling to herself in silence again. I think she was crying. I’m not sure. I don’t’ remember. I do remember thinking I’d die if we didn’t stop soon. She was holding my wrist and not my hand, basically dragging me along the unpaved road. I swear it was another hour before we reached the gas station.

It was closed.

The gas station, shit the whole town, was so old and so out dated, there was one of those glass telephone booths that you go inside and close the door behind you. She went inside and closed the door behind her. I sat on the ground with my back against the telephone booth.

I can remember everything she said. It rings in my ears so brilliantly. Like it’s happening right now.

“Operator, I’m going to commit suicide….I just can’t take it anymore….He can’t do this to me again….I’m going to kill myself… I’m going to fuckin kill myself….do you hear me… what are you going to do about it…hello…what are you going to do”

I stood up and I was screaming and banging on the glass yelling “please mommy no! No mommy stop saying that!!!”

She opened the door and knelt down to me “don’t worry, everything’s going to be ok. Really. I won’t let you go back there.”

The woman on the phone, that was now hanging free and swinging, was yelling “Hello, ma’am! Hello!”

We were walking again. This time, we were in what these people called a town. About ten blocks of bullshit ass dusty stores.

We stopped at another gas station. This one was open. I thought about asking for some chips, but decided not to. She brought four bottles of Advil, a Hawaiian punch and a pepsi. I thought about asking if she had a headache but decided not to. She looked at me and smiled so sweetly. I thought about running away from her, but decided not to. She took the tips of her fingers and ran them down my face. I loved when she did that, it reminded me of living in California with my grandma. That's what my grandma always did to me, when I looked sad.

"We have to hurry" she said. Looking back, I know what her plan was.

The police stopped us just before we started marching off into more wilderness again.

They took us to a house full of other women and children. We lived there for about 2 months. I'd only see her in the mornings before I went to school.

Things got better for a while. We lived with a white family for a month. Eventually she had enough money for us to catch the bus back home to California.

This is why I hate the mention of the Carolinas.

ok, this bitch is crazy...

note: this post is not for the faint at heart, children under 18 years of age, people who ain't got time to read the whole thing, people that think I could actually make up a story like this, people the are quick to say what they'd of did in a situation or for my moms if she's reading..skip ahead to the next blog...

I had the worst fucking weekend ever.
Worst than the weekend when my car got impounded, worst then the night my daughter's dad and I got in a fist fight, simply my worst weekend ever.

SO here's how it goes.
The club, my car and new friends?
friday 10/1/04 9pm I take My to her god mother's house to stay for the weekend. I get to my friend KG's house and pick up her sister kita so that kita and I can go to the club. We go to Joseph's in Hollywood. And end up parking 1020498210481 blocks from the club. When we finally hike to the club, from this parking lot, that kita claimed to be "not that far". We get inside and all is well. The music is great, the people are hot, the drinks is rite and Jenny's having a ball. There's some cute lite skin guy buying Jenny drinks all nite long. She's loving it. oops I mean I'm loving it. I tend to talk about my self in the 3rd person when I'm retelling stories.

saturday 10/2/04 1:20am: Kita complains to me that she has a headace and that she does not want to stay at the club and that she is not having any fun. She begs for the car keys to "go lay down". i give her the keys under the impression that she's going to go lay down while I was getting this guy's number. She leaves.

Where's my shit?
saturday 10/2/04 1:35am: I leave the club and walk the 1020498210481 blocks back the parking lot. the car and kita are not there.

saturday 10/2/04 1:45am: I walk back to the club. No kita. no car.

saturday 10/2/04 1:55am: I walk back to the parking lot. No kita. no car.

saturday 10/2/04 2:00am: I'm walking back to the club and This tall dark skin guy pretty cute I need to add asked me if I needed to use his phone because he saw that I had been walking back and forth on Hollywood and he wanted to know if I needed help. I use his cell phone to call kita's cell phone...a thousand times I try and there's no answer from her. over and over I'm calling her and she never answers. I'm leaving this bitch messages. over and over I call.

saturday 10/2/04 2:15am: The guy who by this time had told me that his name is M and that he's from up north (Oakland) and is down in LA visiting some family offers to give a ride back to the club instead of me walking the kabillion blocks back to the club. I turn down his offer because his friend is in the back seat passed out drunk and I'm just not one for getting tapped up and thrown in the trunk by some guy I just met. So instead I walk back to the club and he follows in his car (a silver, 2005 Cadillac Deville) alongside of me to "make sure I'm alright". He's letting me use his cell phone to continue calling kita, who is not answering.

saturday 10/2/04 2:20am: I get back to the club. No kita. No car. M refuses to leave me there with no transportation or cell phone, so he offers to let me ride around with him, to look for kita and my car. I'm desperate now and the club is letting out and the po's are all over the streets. So, I get in. dun, dun, dun.

What the fuck have I gotten in to?
saturday 10/2/04 2:30am: The Po's pull us over. I immediately ask M, "is there anything I need to know?" He says "My name is M and you just met me."

saturday 10/2/04 2:35am: M tells the police that he doesn't have a driver's license and the reason that he's driving is because his friend in the backseat is drunk. He's never been arrested and he only has his college ID from Detroit.He also says that he's from Detroit.....hmmm....The Police have backseat guy get out and I find out his name is Day. The car was rented by some other guy, named vic, up north and so while M is driving the insurance isn't offically in affect. So the police flash the light at Day and tell him that he doesn't look that intoxicated to them so go get some coffee from the 7-11 (that's where we'd pulled in to park) and then let Day drive. yeah the po's in Cali don't give the fuck about Black folks...until they run into a white family.

saturday 10/2/04 2:40am: We pretend to go into 7-11 to get coffee and we get back in the car. I'm calling kita...no answer..by this time I have prolly called her at least 900 times. no answer. no sign of my car. When we're saftely back in the car M says to me "whew, it's a good thing they didn't look in the trunk we got that 'Like Whoa' back there." I want to pass out. he goes on to say that that's the real reason they were down here to sell this "like whoa" to a distributor down here. then he asked did i have any male cousins who sell weed. I was tripped out.

saturday 10/2/04 2:45am: We continue driving around looking for kita and finally Day says to me "The po's is deep over here we need to get from over here" I say well lets' go to this afterhours spot and wait for her to call me back.

The truth or is it?
saturday 10/2/04 3:00am: We get to the reggae after hours. I have called kita at least 50 million more times with no response. We go into the club and we dance.

saturday 10/2/04 3:45am: I ask M can I take his phone out side to use it and he says sure. I call my house and there's a message from kita marked 3:40am

"Jenny, this is kita, I went to the parking lot and decided to move your car closer to the club so that you wouldn't have to walk back to the parking lot. I parked the car at the 7-11 and when I came back the car was towed. I went to the tow yard and paid to get it out of towing and I am on my way to your house."
I hang up and try calling her and this tramp does not answer her fucking phone.

saturday 10/2/04 4:00am: she finally answers her phone and says to me.."Yeah I paid to get your car out of impound, so when can you pay me back the 279.00?" I went the the fuck off...first off, my car would have never been in impound if it wasn't for her ass moving the shit uninvited. She and I get into it. We are going at it and she says to me "Well I could've been a bitch about it and left your shit in the impound." That tramp has to get her ass beat. At the advise of M, I say you know what? whatever kita, i'll give you your money, I'll come get my car."

They din up and changed on me...
saturday 10/2/04 4:15am: I ask the guys to take me to her house and they say no. They say they are too drunk... So I try calling the tramp...I mean kita back and Her ass ain't answering her phone. I start calling all the homies and no one answers the phone. So I'm stuck with these dudes that I don't know.

saturday 10/2/04 4:30am: We check into a hotel, there is only single bed rooms left. So when we go into the room, Day takes the top matress off of the bed and puts it on to the floor. Then they order additional bedding for One to sleep on the clear space of floor near the door. M and I sit up and talk to each other for a minute and he begins to fall alseep. He gets down on the other matress to sleep and lets me sleep on the bed. No one tried to touch or feel or nothing.

saturday 10/2/04 8:30am: I wake up and both guys are sleep. The keys to the car and M's money are on the table by the door...for one quick second I thought of taking the keys and money and leaving but then I thought back on how nice these guys had been to me. and How they'd really helped me out. so I grabbed my purse tighter and went back to sleep.

No way home...
saturday 10/2/04 8:45am: Day wakes up and tells us its time to go. He says we need to get to his brothers house. I ask can they drop me at Kita's so I can get my car and they tell me that they'll take me later that I should just spend the day with them. I call Kita and leave a message telling her that I want to get my keys and car from her and that I will be by to get them. She of course is still not answering her phone.

saturday 10/2/04 9:30am: We get to Day's brother's house and his brother and nephew get into the car. We go over to this park and the brother and Day and the nephew get out. M tells me "I really like you, I think you're a nice girl and I really am interested in settling down and finding a girlfriend. I think that you could be her." I'm not trippin off of shit this nicca is saying because that's the shit niccas say.

saturday 10/2/04 9:45am: We go back to Day's brother's house and I ask can they take me now. Day says no because he needs to take his nephew to his mother's sister's house to pick up his pads before the game begins. I call Kita and tell her that the people I'm with have things to do but I will be by to pick up my car. I have to leave a message because she's not answering her phone.

saturday 10/2/04 10:30am: we go to this mini-resturant in the MLK center to eat breatfast. M is asking me about my birthday and my sign and the things I like to do and my education and tells me that he wants to take me with him back to Oakland. I laugh and tell him that I need to work and get my daughter. He says that he will take me to get my daughter and than the three of us can spend the week in oakland. I laugh it off and he looks at me with a dead serious face. I try to change the subject but he tells me that he is so serious about this.

saturday 10/2/04 11:00am: We go back to Day's brothers house and M tells me that I need to get some clothes becuase I can't possibly wear my club clothes to the football game. I tell him I am not going to the game and that I need to get home. M tells me he wants me to spend the day with him and that they really don't have time to take me so, I should just go with them. He then tells me that he's going to take me to this store he saw around the corner to buy me some clothes.

saturday 10/204 11:40: we get back from the store and I change clothes. Day's brother tells us that it's time to take the little boy tothe park so that he won't miss the bus to the game. I ask that if after that they could take me to kita's to get my car and they say if there's time.

Have I been kidnapped?
saturday 10/2/04 12:05: We (Day's Brother, M, the little boy and myself) get to the park and Day's brother and the little boy get out the car. I'm sitting in the backseat and M is in the front. He has his seat leaning way back sort of crushing my leg.I'm sitting more on the right side of the car but sort of in the middle. I look over at the school bus and recognize the driver, it's a friend of mine from school, I call out to him and he comes over to the car window on the left side of the car. I turn slightly toward him and start talking to him. M reaches for my arm and grabs it and begins to hold it tightly. I frown a little and Chris, my friends, asks me is everything ok. He can't see M holding my arm. I turn to M and he smiles so, I say yes to chris with out looking back at him.

Chris walks away and I say very slowly to M "You know, I could get out of this car if I wanted to and be down the block before you could catch me" He says "no, you wouldn't make it out the car." Without even looking at me. I say "I would" he says "try" and sits up in his seat. For the first time I felt worried.

I was thinking what if these dudes really hurt me. I move closer to the door where I had just been talking to chris and try to open the door and the child locks were on. I look back at M, who is staring out the front window not even facing me and he says "I told you" He says "I kidnapped you" I say laughing "what?" he says "I kidnapped you" I say "what! in my own city?" "He says "kidnapped, womannapped, ladynapped, whatever you want to call it.." Then he says. "you're comin with me to Oakland." I just sit back in my seat. Then He laughs. then he turns towards me and says firmly "come here" I lean foward and he kisses me on my lips. and says "just playing". I'm not so sure.

saturday 10/2/04 12:30pm: We get back to Day's brothers house and the guys are ready to go to the game, I ask if I could get dropped off on the way there and M tells day to just ignore me. I ask if I can use M's phone and he says yes. He lets me use his phone and I figure he had to be joking about the kidnapped things because why would a kidnapper allow thier captives to use the phone. I try calling Sony Studios, no answer, I try Muq, no answer, I try Kita, no answer. I worry. How am I going to get home?

Now I'm to far to run...
Saturday 10/2/04 1:00pm:We (Day's brother, some other guy, M and myself) get in the car and drive to Orange COunty....about a hour and half drive from where I stay. And I'm thinking whether or not I should try to run away out here where I don't know nobody. So, I don't because I figure I'll have a chance to when we get back to Los Angeles.

saturday 10/2/04 3:00pm: At the game M takes me to this shaded tree and sets up these fold up chairs tells me that he likes me again and he's thinking that he wants me to be his girlfriend. and that he'll try his hardest to give me everything I want. That he take his money from "doing his thang" and buy me a house where ever I want it and I can furnish it with my money from teaching. I just smile and agree. Under other circumstances M would be someone I'd want to be with. I always fall for the ones with all the bullshit ass game, no real job, illegal ass niccas. I finally get to talk to Muq with anyone around and she immediately takes report of what I have on and such.

saturday 10/2/04 4:30pm: We leave the game. We drive all the way back to Day's brother's house.

saturday 10/2/04 6:00pmThey're standing out side laughing and talking and I'm really concerned about getting my car back now. I have no car keys and Kita's not anwering her phone. It's going straight to voice mail. I try calling KG and ask her if Kita is at her house she says 'yes'. I say can you tell her that I'm on my way to pick up my car. she says fine. M and Day get in the car and we're on our way to Kita's and KG's house finally.

Time to beat somebody's ass...
saturday 10/2/02 6:45pm: We're about ten minutes from KG's house when KG calls M's phone and says "Jenny, Kita left a message for me on my phone saying that she left your car in front of your house witht he keys in the glove box with the door unlocked." I say "what?" She says "yea, she left the keys in the glove box with the door unlocked. I am immediately pissed!!!! That bitch. I just said I was on my way to her muthafuckin house. M turns around and heads back to my house.

saturday 10/2/04 7:30pm: my car is not there.

saturday 10/2/04 7:35pm: I call kita, over and over and over again aksing her where my car is and she's pulling this don't answer my phone agian shit. i tell her that if she doesn't call me back I'm going to have to call the police.

saturday 10/2/04 8:00pm: I go up to my apartment and try to hide from Day and M how to get into my house without a key but they are all up in it. I get in and they come in and I allow them to make microwave buriitos while I continue calling kita over an over again with no answer.

Free at last...or so I thought
saturday 10/2/04 8:30pm:M tells me he really wants me to go back to Oakland with him. and that I need to pack my clothes I tell him no. Day says he's ready to leave to Oakland and I walk them out side. M asks me for a hug, I say ok and he doesn't let go. He tells me.."please, come back with me?" I say "no" I got to go to work Monday." He says "fuck your job." I laugh and he says "ok last chance." I say "sorry i can't." He finally lets go and gets in the car.

saturday 10/2/04 8:35pm: I call sony studios and she finally answers the phone and I tell her the digs on my car. She says "stay right there, I'm on my way". I say "ok".

saturday 10/2/04 9pm: Sony Studios gets there and the phone rings, it's M he tells me "I'm on my way back over your house, we're not leaving tonight". I say "but I'm leaving..." he says "don't" I say "I'm already in the car". he says "well wait for me." I say "i can't" He says "Well I'll be there when you get back." I say "ok I'll wait for you then".

saturday 10/2/04 9:20pm M gets there and we all get into his car...SO that we can fit. Sony studios has a camaro. We drive over to KG's house and that bitch doesn't even open the bar door when she's talking to me. As long as we've been friends (9 years) and this tramp doesn't even respect me enough to open the door. All she keeps saying is "I don't know what happened. I don't know." Bitch.

saturday 10/2/04 9:40pm: we get back to my house. Sonya Leaves. M comes upstairs and we're talking. He's telling me that he would really like it if I came to Oakland with him and that he's never felt this way so quickly about someone. and that He wants me to be his girl and drama drama drama. I'm just like "your'e cool peeps too." We eat, we hang, chill, whatever. He leaves. I call the police and try to report my car stolen and they tell me that I need to have the registered owner report it so I tell Muq that she needs to call. I finally settle down and go to sleep.

A new day, a different side...
sudnday 10/3/04 8:00am: M calls me and says "let's go to breakfast." I say "ok".

Sunday 10/3/04 9:00am:M gets to my house and I leave him sitting in the livingroom waiting while I go to the restroom. I start into the restroom and when i come out M is gone, my purse(with my rent money in it) is gone and my door is wide open.

Sunday 10/3/04 9:05am: I call the police. Tell them I've been robbed, Call sony studios and tell her to come over as fast as possible.

sunday 10/3/04 9:15am: I frantically bang on my neighbors door, tell him I've just been robbed and ask him for a ride. He says yeah and gets dressed.

sunday 10/3/04 9:30am: We're headed for Day's big Brothers house. We're speeding through traffic, I'm hoping that since M doesn't really know LA that well I can make it there before he can get there and get away.

sunday 10/3/04 9:45am: We get there and I mind you I have no weapon, no idea who is in the house and I'm full of adrenaline bang on Day's brother's house and I say "where's your muthafuckin friend and my money. That nigga stole my money." They are lost and have no idea what I'm talking about and I tell them that "if someone doesn't give me my fuckin money there's going to be problems." I get outside and Day's brother apologizes for the situation and says he don't play that shit "they're drug dealers not thieves."

Sunday 10/3/04 9:50am: I tell J, My neighbor, that I don't believ that M is not there, so lets go look in the alley. As we're getting to to alley M is turning the corner. J turns around and follows him back to the house. M gets out the car all nonchantly thinking 'Jenny aint got no car she can't possibly follow me here.' and I jump right in his face I'm like "Nigga where's my muthafuckin shit" and going on and on with his ass, he's just denying everything...over and over he denys. he says if you don't believe me call the police and gives me his cellphone. I call 911 and "Say yes I'd like to report a robbery" and he grabs the phone from me. Now, we're struggling back and forth, by this time, Day and his brother have come outside, J is yelling for me to get in the car, and Day's brother is threatening him not to hit me. I get in the truck with J and I use his cell phone to call the Po's. They tell me that it will be 30 minutes. I can't wait. J's cellphone rings and it's his brohter saying that Sony studios and the Po's have arrived at my house. I say lets go back to my house.

Sunday 10/3/04 10:30am I get to my house and the po's call me on J's cellphone and tell me to go back to where I was just at. I tell Sony studios and we hop in her car. We go back over there and See M and Day driving towards the freeway in the opposite direction. I take her cellphone and call CHP and tell them thier license plate # and ALL the business...aabout the "like whoa", who rented the car, where they're headed to, the license plate, what rental company it's from where they got the "like whoa" from,e'rythang. They had shared it with me so I told. The operator asked if I wanted to leave a # and I said no.

Sunday 10/3/04 11:30am Sony studios and I go back to my house and I have no car no keys and no $. I should be worried, but I'm not.


* That bitch is going to get it.
* CHP said they made a stop but that's all they can tell me.
* My daughter and I are back on the bus.
* No word from the Po's about my new old car.