Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Life continues.

As it always does. 
I understand she is sick. She has cancer. Cancer.

It is such an ugly word. I had cancer cells on my cervix, I understand the realness of it all. 

However from the first time I found out until this very second I've never felt nervous about it.

 The week I found out ( the way I found out is a crazy ass story in it self) I went to church and sermon was for me. It was written for me.it was my life in scripture. He spoke of knowing for sure that you going through something serious dmsomething inevetible and allowing Gods Glory show through to others by the way you handle it. I cried hard.i knew it was for me. But I know that God will not take me into something he can't bring out of. ...I am strong I can do this. 

Cancer is a word, not a sentence. 

PS(I know I never talk about God on this blog. But I do know him)

Cancer I'm not worried about. Cancer is beatable. We will win the fight against it. I am concerned about her. She confuses things and exaggerates things and takes things out of context and manipulates things. I know its not her its her OCD and depression and mania but the mom I know is still there somedays. So when she's not her.... I don't know how to handle it. It's tough. 
Very tough. 

Through this all I still have to be a mom and a coworker(speaking of work I was offered a promotion at work, but couldn't take it because of the need to possibly travel and I've travelled a whole year... Would've loved to do it... But I am a caregiver now. I had to turn it down. I haven't told anyone) and a friend (speaking of being a friend, one of my best friends is pregnant by a man who doesn't love her) I'm still waiting on someone to be here for me. 

There's the delivery man/my reboundBut I'm still unsure about him. He's hiding something. I think it's something big, like a wife....well maybe not a wife... But there's something. 

I have to stay positive about my life and what's going to happen in it. I don't want to end up being a negative nelly. I don't want to grow old and be the person no one likes to be around.i do want love for my self. I am no longer in love with love. I need a real love.

Well it's 4:18 and this is a third of the thing swirling around in my mind. Today is Christmas Eve and I must try to sleep at least two hours before going in to work.

Good morning!

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