Thursday, January 02, 2014

Ifs official.

 Deep inside me I feel a sad lonliness. 

I have friends around me and family... Surrounded by so much love. But inside me I feel empty and sad. 

I am destined to be alone. As I looked back at my failed relationships, I realize, I am not supposed to be with anyone. I am better off alone. 

And that's how ill end up. 

Old fat ugly cat lady. 

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Life continues.


As it always does. 
 
I understand she is sick. She has cancer. Cancer.

It is such an ugly word. I had cancer cells on my cervix, I understand the realness of it all. 

However from the first time I found out until this very second I've never felt nervous about it.

 The week I found out ( the way I found out is a crazy ass story in it self) I went to church and sermon was for me. It was written for me.it was my life in scripture. He spoke of knowing for sure that you going through something serious dmsomething inevetible and allowing Gods Glory show through to others by the way you handle it. I cried hard.i knew it was for me. But I know that God will not take me into something he can't bring out of. ...I am strong I can do this. 

Cancer is a word, not a sentence. 

PS(I know I never talk about God on this blog. But I do know him)


Cancer I'm not worried about. Cancer is beatable. We will win the fight against it. I am concerned about her. She confuses things and exaggerates things and takes things out of context and manipulates things. I know its not her its her OCD and depression and mania but the mom I know is still there somedays. So when she's not her.... I don't know how to handle it. It's tough. 
 
Very tough. 

Through this all I still have to be a mom and a coworker(speaking of work I was offered a promotion at work, but couldn't take it because of the need to possibly travel and I've travelled a whole year... Would've loved to do it... But I am a caregiver now. I had to turn it down. I haven't told anyone) and a friend (speaking of being a friend, one of my best friends is pregnant by a man who doesn't love her) I'm still waiting on someone to be here for me. 

There's the delivery man/my reboundBut I'm still unsure about him. He's hiding something. I think it's something big, like a wife....well maybe not a wife... But there's something. 

I have to stay positive about my life and what's going to happen in it. I don't want to end up being a negative nelly. I don't want to grow old and be the person no one likes to be around.i do want love for my self. I am no longer in love with love. I need a real love.

Well it's 4:18 and this is a third of the thing swirling around in my mind. Today is Christmas Eve and I must try to sleep at least two hours before going in to work.

Good morning!

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Nobody knows where you might end up.

I've always known my mom has had some sort of anxiety disorder. My whole life I've known.  As a child. As a teen.  Now as an adult. 

It's been a rough few weeks. The cancer not as simple a state as it was thought to be. It's much more difficult. She had a full scale breakdown on me. Accused me of being annoyed with her overher illness. Yelled screamed cried at me... But it at her disease. She's been off her meds a few weeks. So I know it's not  her.  And yet it is her. 

But these last few days she's been better. She's stable, but I know instability is just around the corner.  

She created a website log her experience. I refrain from posting it. But it's out there.

Today, i am feeling a bit low. I'm feeling like there will never be anyone to take care of me. Ever. I'm facing it. I know I know there's love out there. But I don't think there's reciprocal love for me out there at all. Really. It's not.  I'm just not a couple type girl.

I've got a sick mom. A job I hate. A preteen child.  Two undeserving exS that won't leave me alone.... Both are in relationships. A guy I met as a rebound that I actually am starting to like/love  but But it's possible I've waited too long. A fat belly and  a bad attitude. 


I've got bigger concerns. 

Everything is going to be ok. 

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Soooo

My momma.
I paid for her to come here to California. A little pissed off that my sister and uncles  said they would help with the fare but ain't nobody said nothing to me about this $345 credit card bill I just paid. Anyways. 

I'd talked to my mom one night and she was crying and saying she gives up on life. So I brought her a plane ticket to  Cali. Her state doesn't pay state tax so their free insurance sucks dick and obamacare hasn't kicked in yet sooooo I brought her here for treatment. And as all Californians know, our insurance is the shit.

She came here, was here 24 hours had full coverage medi-cal saw a doctor and had an appointment with an oncologist. 

Within the week we found out she's stage one, will have surgery (after she gets her blood pressure under control). Her tumor is so small and neat the doctor said she will have a lumpectomy and may not need to have chemo.... Just radiation. 
Praise god. 

***
Did I tell y'all that Im lightweight falling in love with someone? Lightweight. 

I meet him when I went out with my girls 23 weeks ago. He was out with his sister for her birthday. We danced, then stepped outside to the patio and talked. I met his sister and we three laughed. My girls bitched at me for leaving the crew ( cause we dont play that loosing one person at the club crap. 

We've been talking ever since. He's met my friends I've met his. He's met my mom.... Not intentionally but she was here so...

He's over 35 ( I'm 32 if you've forgot). He didn't grow up in my hood but in SoCal. He was working two jobs... A slipshift with a partime in between. He got a promotion at the split shift so he quit the part time. He has a son.... He's a great dad. His parents are still married and he has dinner with them every friday. He's outgoing and fun. And funny. and silly and sweet. He is so sweet. He's 6'3, light skin, freckles, wears a fade, and is cute to me in a unique way. 

Out first date was at a bar in a casino.... It ended up lasting until 4am. 

This week he broke his phone. Of course, I didn't know. So I'd texted him a few times with out knowing why he wasn't responding. I was pissed.

Then Saturday night I'm in bed with my mom playin on my iPad and my nephew tells me there's a man at the door... Guess who? My new red boned freckled boo. 

Yep. He came by with out calling. Rather bold and presumptive. Especially, since we haven't officially  said we're exclusive. Especially, since I am/was fooling around with the idea of dating this 26 year old but....I have since moved on.

Something  about that... That confidence that I can come girl this woman's house without calling and no one will be there..... Turned me on tremendously. Like  I feel even more of a sweet spot for him. 

he's told me on numerous occasions that he wants to be married, with more children( I sorta get nervous about that)... But something about my mom being sick makes me want to have another baby. I know its crazy bit i do. I want another baby.... I know its stupid. And I'm sleepy. Ttyl


 

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

I'm friends with the monster under my bed...

Such a stress filled day today.  They  did some laying off at my job today, and I thought I was going to be one of them. 

The guy that became my best friend while I was at corporate office, he was one of the ones laid off.  Not the man that was in control not him another guy.  A guy who made me laugh and understood my quirky humor and is just as silly as I am. I am so sad for him.

He works in the Texas office and we basically have the same position I knew for sure that meant I was next.

Thank you father God that I was not one of them. I complain so much about my job; but I couldn't imagine if I didn't have one. 

After talking to my mom yesterday I was already stressed out and then I get to work in this bullshit. 

But you know what, I had a good day otherwise.  I'm in a good mood.  I have a smile on my face. I'm blessed. I'm about to tear this red snapper dinner up! 

VH1 picked up My today. (He does this every Wednesday.) Too bad he wasn't this good when we were together. C'est la vie!

Time for some things I can't have when  Mu is around: fish and wine!! Mommy party time!!!