Insanity continues

So I was scheduled to have dinner with him last night that didn't necessarily work out. He ended up having to work late like after 8 o'clock late.

Andrew and I went shopping and then afterwards I went to dinner with Andrew later I saw the man who's in charge in the lobby. He was there with his friend from New York watching the game. Andrew had convinced me to have one more drink then I should have though I was a bit tipsy. He and I got to talk for a little bit after the game was over. I can't tell you how incredibly awkward it is like someone And not be able to openly express it. I tried to control these feelings that I have for the man in charge. it's irresponsible these feelings. He's got a life in another state. 

It's so hard to see someone's hand and  remember them Touching you.  missing them touching you. I sit patiently waiting for the opportunity to have that text again. 

He openly,  publicly kissed my face last night.  I tried to tell him that it was completely inappropriate but I don't think things like that matter very much to Him any more. 

I really don't know what I'm going to do about this situation I guess I should just enjoy myself I have the opportunity and then deal with all the leftovers later.

Today I am writing this post with my iPhone. I am talking and it is taking down what I'm saying and typing it into a post.

I'm driving on my way to St. Louis. I have 73 miles to go and my arm is sunburned what I don't know what cannot wait to get home it's

It's all so much

So that guy. The one who was in charge and left me breathless? Well he's back.

When I found out why he was gone. I couldn't take it. I had to compartmentalize it. It was too much too great too horrible a thing for anyone to ever bear. I couldn't ever imagine it. And WHY to him? Someone so good, had the worst thing happen to him. 

I can't say I love this guy. This guy that is in charge but I must say I have a strong affection for him. He causes me to think about what it is that I want in a partner. He's sweet and has conviction and passion and he's intense and yet quiet and loves his children and has a story behind him.  Becoming his friend made it easier for me to leave vh1. Not because I wanted to be with him, but because I could see what it meant for a man to truly make his mind up about something. I realized just how much vh1 had fallen from who he once was. 

 Even that first day that we had lunch with Jersey, that he was forbidden fruit.... But I bit. 

Stupid, selfish me. I bit. 

This guy that is in charge lost his first son. 

And now. My friend the guy that is in charge, is back.

I just don't know what to say to him. I can't do d the words. I can't. 

I cant. I mean I don't... I don't do well with emotions and other people's emotions. How can I help him?! The emotionless... Tortured soul helping a real life tortured soul. 

My choice, stay away. Avoid it. I am uncomfortable with grief and other people's sadness. It makes me into a mannequin. 

I feel like such a bitch because I avoided him the whole first week.... That is until be called me on it. He forced me to pay acknowledge...him. Our friendship. Everything.

Now.  We have dinner plans for tomorrow. Two people who were friends a month ago... Circumstances of the friendship certainly have changed but...two friends indeed.

I have no idea how I'm going to make it thru dinner. 

What was done in the dark

As soon as I saw him I knew. I knew something would happen and it would be something big. Not just a silly flirtation. Something that would shake me. 

Jersey asked me to lunch and with out thinking I told her yes. I didn't question who'd be joint us. I just figured it was an opportunity for me to meet someone from a different division. She's an older woman with a strong New Jersey accent. She walks with a slight bend from all her years of hard work and she has a slight hard shell around who she really is. She'd asked me to join her for lunch so I grabbed my coat and bag and followed her to the elevator.

She stopped at the door and yelled over to him asking if he was ready to go. And that is when I saw him. I'd seen him. But never really seen him. Knowing myself I think I intentionally avoided direct eye contact with him. Those eyes. There is a little bit of everything in those eyes. And I could not LET myself drown in them. I am here to do a job. I told myself. I warned myself to stay away. But the second he smiled at me I was lost. There was no remedy for it.

He walked over and opened the door for she an I to exit and his clean sexy smell clouded my thoughts. I knew. From right the. And there. I was lost. 

The three of us had lunch and I realized he over talked. He controlled the conversation. He was in charge. I couldn't stop myself from falling. From being entranced by him. It was inevitable . That smile.

 In the weeks to follow we would eat dinner together as a group.he and I and The other members of the team that had been brought together to work on this project at our corporate office. But most times it was just he and I and jersey. 

We'd formed a team outside of the team. Jersey the mom and he and I her cubs to be protected. All and all he and I were falling. 

One night he and I made silly videos with an app on his phone.. Laughing and joking as we usually did. He asked laughed as he asked me for my number to send me the videos. I didn't even realize what was happening. I drank wine and grew tired. Said my good nights. 

One in my room I got a text from him asking for my room number. I complied because he was in charge. 

Minutes later he was sitting on the sofa of my hotel room drinking water and watching Hgtv with me. He wrapped his fingers into mine and laid his head on my neck and I was lost. There was/is no finding me. Don't send a search party. Don't make flyers. Don't call 911. It was/ is over for me.

I. Jenny, the lost cause. 

He kissed me that night. Nothing else. Just soft sweet kisses that made sense. Everywhere they were placed made perfect planed out  sense. He kissed and kissed and kissed and I was drunk. 

I didn't even care that this was NOT what I was here for. This was what I wanted. Fingers everywhere... Hands rubbing and grabbing... Tongue And soft lips And the just the fact that HE. WAS. IN. CHARGE. 

From that day I did what I was told. With a complacent smile. 

Then suddenly he was gone. 

Chi town stand up!!!!

I just came back from an amazing solo trip to the CHI! First time there ... Well I was born there, my mom left when I was 6 weeks old. She hated the city. So for clarification it was my First time there as a real human....

I went solo! No one with me! No one to meet up with! No boo to boo up with! Can you believe it? Jenny the solo traveller?AND  I had an amazing time. 

I had to work here in Lincoln land for the weekend and I figured since I had to be here I might as well drive out to Chicago since I'd never bed there before. So Saturday after work, I hopped on the road. 

It took three hours to get there.... And thanks to the satellite radio playing my gangsta rap... I was entertained. 

The hotel I stayed at was the InterContinental in Rosemont,IL it was absolutely beautiful!!!! Very nice and I am certainly a hotel snob. But this place took my picky breath away. The only thing I didn't like was that the fucking parking is $24 a day! What the fuck ! 

As a matter of fact parking in Chicago is way too expensive! I spent more $ on parking throughout the city then I did for the room!! 

So I hadn't planned anything for Saturday night. I didn't realize it would be only 5 pm when I got there. So I went online and found out that the Second City was one of the top comedy spots in the city. I figured I wouldn't look like such a looser at a comedy spot solo.

so I put on a dress that I had in my suitcase that I had planned on wearing to work, some ankle boats and hopped in my ride( that is after using my waterfall  style shower). ($20 to leave the parking structure)

I got down to the club  parked ($20!) and walked in. I felt stupid  because i was by myself and thought about just walking away. but shit noone there will ever see me again....I ended up having a great time. Very funny!

 After the show I  walked down Wells  street. There were lots of young "hip" looking folks (all white people) so I figured that was where the night life was. 

I met a older  white guy, super cool cat. actually he just walked up to me and started talking. smoking a cigarette like he'd   known me his whole life. i liked his swag.... i talked and walked with him for a few blocks...he said he was meeting friends and asked  if id like to go since i was there alone!!!!and he took me to dinner!! He was very nice! The friends too! It was sort of unbelievable !

I exchanged numbers and headed back to the hotel.

I was starving again. so i went downstairs to Fresco 21 the restaurant in the hotel and ordered a pesto shrimp pizza and a French Connection. there were two weddings being held at the hotel... so there were plenty of people too talk to. I finished my drink ( which had me faded) and took my pizza to my room... I took sexy naked pictures of my drunk self and sent them to men I used to date and went to sleep lol

I hated leaving that beautiful hotel room... But my day awaited me.. ( another $24 to leave the parking structure at the hotel)

Sunday I had a sightseeing tour scheduled for 11 am but I missed it due to the fact that Chicago has the craziest underground railroad type streets that strike fear in the hearts of true Californians! We don't do underground!! 

I ended up finding a street parking ($16) I was down the stairs from the Chicago tribune.

So I hopped on another tour boat with the same company if scheduled with  and saw the sights. The tour guide was awesome. One of the guys working on the boat was super handsome! But too young to ride this ride.

After the boat I walked to the art institute of Chicago and saw some of the most awesome art in the world!

 I walked back to the car through Millennium park and saw the "Bean" and then took the long way to the car so I could see the Chicago sign in front of the Chicago theater.  

I got back to my car right before the parking meter expired. Then I drove over to navy pier( I could've walked but... I'm lazy)

On navy pier I walked around debated seeing a show but choose not to. Then i met an adorable Puerto Rican guy visiting from Florida. i told him id be in florida in a few weeks and now he thinks we're getting married lol. 

he and I had lunch at margaritaville yeah I know it's not so Chicagoan but whatever. While paying I realized my ID was missing. I freaked out. Rushed out the restaurant without saying bye to puerto.... but i got his number.. The weird creepy security guard found my ID lying outside of my car so he waited by my car until I came back.... I thanked him, even though something about how he obtained my ID just didn't sound right. But whatever I got it back. 

I left navy pier ($25 for parking!!!) and went to Willis Tower formerly sears tower . 

i found street parking ($6.50) and went up to the 103 floor and walked out on some cheap plexiglass and took a photo! It was great.

Then I got in the rental and headed back to Lincoln land. I'm not in my hotel this week... I'm next door but its good.... Can't wait to go home on Friday.

Kisses blog world!

Arch nemesis...

Why can't I ever get out if Target without spending more than $50? It's truly a set up!