Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Nobody knows where you might end up.

I've always known my mom has had some sort of anxiety disorder. My whole life I've known.  As a child. As a teen.  Now as an adult. 

It's been a rough few weeks. The cancer not as simple a state as it was thought to be. It's much more difficult. She had a full scale breakdown on me. Accused me of being annoyed with her overher illness. Yelled screamed cried at me... But it at her disease. She's been off her meds a few weeks. So I know it's not  her.  And yet it is her. 

But these last few days she's been better. She's stable, but I know instability is just around the corner.  

She created a website log her experience. I refrain from posting it. But it's out there.

Today, i am feeling a bit low. I'm feeling like there will never be anyone to take care of me. Ever. I'm facing it. I know I know there's love out there. But I don't think there's reciprocal love for me out there at all. Really. It's not.  I'm just not a couple type girl.

I've got a sick mom. A job I hate. A preteen child.  Two undeserving exS that won't leave me alone.... Both are in relationships. A guy I met as a rebound that I actually am starting to like/love  but But it's possible I've waited too long. A fat belly and  a bad attitude. 

I've got bigger concerns. 

Everything is going to be ok. 

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