Friday, October 29, 2004

Embrace my punkism.

Thank You so much for your prayers!!! I got the job!!!!! I start next week!!!! Yeaaaa!!!

Good things about my new job:
* more money
* closer to home
* Less $ on gas
* better benefits
* closer to My's school
* less drama
* they run thier school legally
* it's corporately run
* nation wide (relocation opportunities)
* no office work

Not so good things about my new job:
* the hours I work (1pm to 10 pm) for the first few months
* no more WG2 or Kamasutra
* no office
* no computer (therefore, less posting on my blog)

I think this is going to be the longest week of my life. For a couple of reasons: #1.I will have to be here with WG1 Who is in full effect this week...She's been getting mad on my nerves,#2. dealing with Marsha Fuerst the owner of the school I work for, that is going to have mad bitches about the fact that I'm leaving her for a competitor,#3. CT my boss, who is apparently schizophrenic, has been sparatic this week and #4.just having to drive here, knowing I don't want to be here anymore.

As far as the "loveless love-life" of mine.

I have been seeing a lot of MC lately... Again, he has captivated me. Yes, I'm laughing at myself. I can be so dramatic. Last night, we were on the phone and he askes me "did you see the orange lunar eclipse last night?" I say "yes, I watched it" He says "good, we were connected, because I watched it too." I think have a magnet for detecting bullshit, so I slammed him with a harsh "who else did you say that to today?"

Now I realize that this is my problem. I think every man is bullshit. I don't believe a word they say.

I know, I can't let what happened in my past, cause frustration in my future relationships, but I always put walls up. That's what I do. Block them out, until eventually they give up.

I know, that's deep for me to be able to lay it out like 'this is my problem. this is what I do wrong.' And then I keep doing it. I am always on the same shit: Just don't give a fuck, don't feel for him, that way I can't be hurt by him.

I've come to realize that I have to embrace my punkism. Just come to grips with it.

I have never wanted to be that girl that calls so much that she ends up getting her name on caller ID ignored. So instead, I scarcely call. But now, I'm tired of being the girl that they eventually just stop calling because I haven't called them.

I've decided that I am going to let my punkism shine from now on!!!

I'm going to be come an understudy of women that I have tried to be so different from.I'll watch how they let them selves get wrapped up, and whisped off into whirl wind realtionships. I'll reinacted thier acceptance of late night calls and I'll start ditching the homies to "kick it" and I'll start blushing at comments like the one MC made to me. That's what'll do! I'll let all the punk out in me!

But, Is that really what I need to do?

Do I really need to stop being the "man" in my relationships? The one who is on that "just don't give a fuck"? The one who is always second guessing motives? The one who is always "hard to get"? The one who feels nothing?

Is that my deal?

1 comment:

Duchess said...

Jenny I think that you dont need to be either. Just be less "fuck all men" and a little more "believing". Dont put a wall but dont give your love too easily. Let people/dudes earn your trust and love. Not all guys are bad. Give but ALWAYS look back and see if you recieved. If not then its time to move on.