Monday, November 01, 2004

me.

I'm dark skin. african american. short to medium length hair. big fore head. big nose. thick lips. big "doe-like" eyes. five five. one hundred thirty five or so pounds, but I used to be extremely skinny. when i was a little girl these characterisics were so shameful to me.

dark girls weren't in. skinny girl weren't in. big foreheaded girls was never in until ms tyra made ok.

so when I was young I looked for validation in so many other places. yea my mom told me I was cute. but she'd add in playful yet hurtful things like "if you wore your hair straight back you'd look like a boy" (I never ever wear my hair straight back...never) but I needed to feel pretty. I wanted to hear people tell me that. I never went without having a boyfriend and I always had dates but I never thought I was anything in comparison to other girls.

so I felt I had to prove myself to myself. I was in pageants and did some run way modeling and some photo shoots and I never felt much better about me. no matter how much love I was shown I never felt PRETTY.

It wasn't until I got out of high school out of college that I felt secure in who I am. And sometimes I still feel weary. I still feel bashful and I'm still checking my self in the mirror. Some people make take it as a sign of me thinking I'm cute. But it's really me being insecure. Not so sure.

My fear is that my daughter will feel that way. Or that some young girl feels the way I felt. What is that I can say to make them feel different about themselves? What would someone had said to me to make me feel any different?

4 comments:

Jamille said...

Looking at your picture there... you're a beautiful black girl, no doubt.

Any guy would be lucky to have you. ;)

Will said...

I believe that, like you, any young person (male or female) that feels that way about themselves has to work their way through it. Because, like you, it didn't matter what you did or what you heard when you were younger (or even now), you just had to make up your mind that you are special, and beautiful.
And you are. It took a while for you to convince yourself. I'm sitting here hoping that now that you do, you stay convinced.
So you tell the youngins, or your daughter if she comes to you feeling that way, that they are beautiful...and keep telling them. And then wait for them to convince themselves that you're right.

k said...

I think you are gorgeous! Great picture.
We all have issues :)
Good for you for being aware and feeling comfortable enough to write them all down!

Dupree said...

they are right, you are very attractive.