Wednesday, January 23, 2008

fuck anger. i'm beyond done.

bigsis is pregnant. her boyfriend has moved in with her. she's getting married in 2009.

wow, big news. great news. wonderful news. right?

did i hear it from my flesh and blood sister's own mouth? no.

had to hear it through the mutha fucken grape vine. had to hear it from a second hand source. spoke to bigsis this morning. went to bigsis's house this afternoon.

did she say a fucken thing to me? no.

did she mention anything after i accidentally on purpose tripped over her bf's clothes? no.

did she say shit to me? no.

i am so fucken mad right now, i don't even have words.

you're doing life changing shit and you don't even want to share the shit with me?

our relationship is over.

i'm closing the chapter on trying to have a realtionship with her.

for those of you that have traditional relationships with your siblings, you're prolly reading and thinking...oooo they'll be friends next week... naw... let me air my families dirty laundry and explain to you why i'm fucken done...for good:

my mom met, fell in love and got pregnant by a 25 year old guy when she was16.

they went through a heated custody battle after the big sis was born(ie. stealing her from each other and all types of crap). finally my mom gave up. let him take her.

moms finished school. went to college. started working as an editor and got transfer to chicago, il.

by now bigsis was seven, still living wit her dad. being fed half truths of our mom and her sorted issues. living an extremely sheltered and catered to life.

moms met a dude, got married and had a baby, me. divorced, quit her job moved back to cali.

flash foward. after many more marraiges, many in the middle of the night moves, many elementary school changes, many states...

1989we ended up in Cali again for good. 3rd grade for me. 10th grade for bigsis.

1991 we moved in together. for the first time the three of us. horrible situation. the two of us hardly had a bedroom. the man mom was still married to found us. the restraining order didn't do its trick (this was way before oj) . bigsis went back to her dads. me and mom back on the run. trial and case. he ended up in jail for 5 years.

late 91 mom met larry. the first man to ever show me how i should be treated.

93 bigsis followed moms footprints, another pregnant teen. finally the two of them had something to bond over. finally they had a relationship.

00 larry and mom divorce.

02 larry dies. MY is born. bigsis and i have something to bond over.

03 mom ditches both of us. moves to florida and marries someone new.

now through these years i grew up the friendly say what the hell i want to say get in trouble fuckit outgoing wild child one. bigsis the reserved hold it all in quiet one; because of this our family overcompensates. feels i need the extra pats on the back, the extra support the cards and extra $. moms does to feels sorry for the shit i saw before i was old enough to know what it was.

bigsis hold it all against me.

no matter how i try to kiss ass to squeeze in and have the type of relationship i think we're supposed to have. the more she lets me know she's still gotta grudge.

at 26. in 2008. after this shit. i finally say fuck it.


Monie said...


Nina said...

I totally understand. My family says I treat my friends better than them and its completely true. I have 3 sisters and 2 brothers I haven't spoken to in 8 years. You can't force someone into being the type of person you want them to be. one.

It hurts to say fugg it...but you gotta do what you gotta do.

I'm sorry.

thee modern isis said...

I can relate to this.. except replace your sister with my mother. We haven't spoken since I was 17 and I'm now 25.

I had to learn a long time ago, as much as it hurts to just let it go.

It'll get easier.

Jenny said...

Thanks yall for the love support and advise... I appreciate it...

jirzygurl said...

i too have drama with an older sister and so i completely understand... don't give up but don't force it either....