so i haven't written anything in a minute...no real reason. i'm on winter break now so i gots plenty of time to goof off.
nothing spectacular happened this weekend...just the same old same old.
i've been planning this 50th birthday party for my mom and i finally found a venue for it. its not until the end of january but i put the down payment on it today.
crazyc and i got into it yesterday. partially from my growning need of affection from him. he can be so empty at times.
then there are times when i tell you i love the man. when he smiles at me or i hear that silly ass giggle or when he says my name like he's mad but i know he's not.; i just can't get enough of him i feel like i want to bathe in those momments forever.
an yet there are times when i want to stab him violently causing extreme harm to his person.
por ejemplo (for example for you non-blackxicans): we never go out anywhere. we never hang out in the day time; it has to always be after wrestling goes off (why does an intelligent, educated man- with two bachelor degrees, that teaches elementary school and is the site coordinator for the after care program, faithfully watch wrestling?). when we do make plans to do things...something always "happens" and we end up not going. we see each other about three times a week but it's either before work (and there's only one good thing we could be doing from 7:45-9:00am and it ain't eating breakfast) or after wrestling goes off.
on the weekends if i'm over his house all he wants to do is sit in the damn living room and watch football on three different channels. so i end up curled up on his couch eating chocolate chip pancakes (that he usually makes me)while watching him flip back and forth from. once football and football commentary has gone off he wants me sit in the house with him and do nothing. he gives me the low Eore "oh" if i tell him i got to go do _____ (fill in the blank) as i speed racer it out his house.
our other weekend ritual is that he sleeps until 2pm and when he finally wakes up i'm too pissed off to want to do anything with him.
i feel unappreciated and i told him that. he just says "ok".
that's the other thing i hate about him. at times he can be the most insensitive, unresponsive, lump of nothingness...just because he wants to be that way. he's a fucken virgo; if you're a virgo don't get offended because you know that shit is true yall are some moody ass people. some moody ass, know it all, bastards!!!
so we had this big arguement before we went to sleep last night; which he hates. he believes that you should never go to bed angry. but i was angry. and i am tired of his careless attittude towards things that i feel are making me unhappy. so we're in mid-argument and i tell him that i'm going to sleep because i just can't deal with him anymore. he says ok. and i hang up. (another thing he hates; when i hang up without saying good bye...it makes him furious...but that's ok i was trying to evoke some sort of emotion.)
its damn near 5 o'clock and he hasn't called me today. prolly won't. i'll prolly have to be the one to call.
sigh. i feel like what's the point? we're just going to go back to our old ways of nothingness and i'll get bored.
i'm a taurus i need entertainement and excitement and to feel appreciated. i am balancing the fact that i love him but i tire of him. there i said it. as ugly as it is, i let it come out of my mouth. he makes me want to scream. i'm so bored i want to peel my skin off. aaaaaarrrrrrrgggghhhhhhh!!!!!!!
the title of this post comes from a song on tamia's album called "when a woman stops crying" the rest of the words from the chours are:
"when a woman stops crying, you best believe she's got a new plan, she's preparing for something new, and it doesn't include you. when a woman ceases to cry, she's preparing to say goodbye."
I feel you tamia.