so, i have a personality disorder.

I'm seeing RED.

2011-09-19T12:10:00.000-07:00

The day was Saturday. I woke up in a rush. Needed to get to Target to pick up a gift for my niece’s third birthday party. I washed my face and did a quick brush job on my teeth. I finger combed my hair, threw on a pair of tights and a t-shirt and I was ready.

I grabbed my cellphone off the night stand and realized that I only had one bar of battery left.

I went over to VH1’s side of the bed, he’d been using my multifunctional battery charger for his cellphone ( you can use it in the car, home, computer, etc). He’d lost his real phone last week and has been using my charger on his temporary phone.

I picked up his phone to remove it from the charger and there it was.
A HUGE ROUND ASS…

I took a double take because it was possible that my lying eyes were deceiving me…but No. That was an ass. The Wallpaper of my boyfriends cell phone was of an ass and the ass was not mine.

The ass was in scantily clad underwear, on all fours, on a bed; as if it were presenting itself to someone. The head belonging to the ass was cut off.

The picture was not professionally taken.

Imagine my RAGE.

Feel my RAGE.

I tossed the phone to VH1 and said “Really?” He knew exactly what I was talking about before I even continued… his response “I’ll take it off… it’s just a picture off the internet.”

The lights went dark in my mind. I blacked out… my mouth on the other hand was wide awake. It was open and my tongue was hooking together phrases……unbelievable phrases…phrases that were from the pit of my stomach…phrases that stung me as the flew from my lips.

My RAGE was spewing from my mouth uncontrolled…not unintentional…but I. Could. Not. Stop. It.

I was on the floor on my knees screaming words. I don’t know what the words were specifically but they were words that expressed EXACTLY what I was feeling.

His only explanation was “I put a lot of things as my main page picture. That’s just the last one I was checking out, I forgot to change it before I went to sleep.”

WHAT?

He apparently hadn’t heard anything I’d said in the last 10 minutes. Either the words that I was saying were not in English or he does not speak English.

HE didn't hear any of my reason why I felt so ANGRY.

He looked at me and said “I said Sorry, I don’t know what else you want me to do?”

That’s all he has to say from his self.

He is: Sorry, and he doesn’t know what else I want him to do..

Truthfully; I don’t know what I want him to do either (he could go jump in a damn lake)I'm not even sure what would suffice... Is there any correcting this?

What was he thinking as he clicked to save the photo as his wallpaper? Did he think I would be cool with it? Did he just think I’d never see it? I really need him to make me understand it. Cause I don’t.
…

I do not feel the same anymore.

When I saw that ass; Something in me broke.

I feel thoroughly disrespected.

I also feel unsure about these actually just being pictures off the Internet; because of the look of the picture.

I am so hurt. My stomach hurts. I feel like my little light that I did have is gone.

In my mind I thought….he doesn’t have a job ….but at least he LOVES me. That ass on his phone is not the act of someone that is in love.

And now I’m in a state of limbo.

He doesn’t seem to even care about making things right. He’s not even in apology mode. He’s acting as if I did something wrong… like he’s angry with me. And it fucking hurts.

I feel that I’ve committed myself to a relationship that doesn’t even exist.

RESULTS!

2011-08-15T15:08:00.000-07:00

My new anthem for the rest of this year is "specializing in results"!

I did my friend KEY's hair and it came out AWESome!

No pics yet...but come soon!

So Stupid...

2011-08-09T15:14:00.000-07:00

I just accidentally deleted all the blogs I was following...if PLEASE leave me your new addresses!!!! I HAVE to have them!

Experiment....

2011-08-09T15:08:00.000-07:00

A long time ago in a far away land…. Nah, just kidding… a long time ago I did a post of my various hairstyles.

Well, I have a lot of friends that have asked me to do their hair. I’ve had ladies out on the street ask me to do their hair; but I keep telling people that I don’t do hair I just do my own.

The truth is what if the style doesn’t come out good? I am at fault! Or what if their hair falls out?! I don’t need anyone beating me up over her hair! Because I would fight a bitch about my hair!

Well, I have one friend, lets call her Key, really needs help. She’s a great girl really…but her hair game is not up to par. She’s the girl that always leaves her hair in way too long…

My other home girl her hair would normally be shot to hell as well….but she got the message when her sister finished cosmetology school…now she gets her DID every week. She was 35 wearing buns to work… but now she’s all super asymmetrical hair cut stylish chic girl…

Anyways my homegirl Key, asked me to do her hair. She’s short on funds… and I invited her to go to a party with me on Saturday (so I especially, want her hair to be cute.) *cheesy silly smile.

I’ve even thought to myself…she should let me do her hair. Finally this week she asked me to do it. So this Thursday for the first time I will be doing someone’s weave.

Now I am my OWN weavologist; I keeps my hair WHIPPED! but I will be weaving up some one else…. And I’m a lil scared….

Here’s the crazy part….I never do a full head weave on myself. I like it better when I leave a lil bit out…. but she wants no hair out… So I am going to be doing someone eslse hair in way that I’ve never done….

I went on to youtube and checked out a few chics and their closing styles and If KEY doesn’t want to buy the closure, then I am going to use the wrap around and glue and then inert it the closing and then sew in procedure….. We shall see…. I will definitely post and let the WORLD know how it came out….

Chutes and Ladders...

2011-08-02T16:29:00.000-07:00

I’ve decided that I am going to update my blog regularly again. I’m going to try to commit to at least once a week…maybe more.
I am so much better when I am writing.
It gives me the opportunity to vent…. So Vent I shall.

So, let me see…what has been going on in my life?

I’m 30 years old now.

My birthday was lovely.
The night of my BIG DAY, VH1 greeted me at the door with a bottle of champagne and two glasses. He took me to this very nice restaurant in Beverly Hills, brought me some very nice solid gold ear rings, I felt like a princess.

The next day, I participated in the Revlon Women’s Walk for Cancer with my sister and daughter. That night I had a big party at a night club. I got SUPER STUPID dumb drunk and threw up on the table…that we were all sitting at...I scrapped my knee... and Vh1 says, I tried to walk home...on my own. sigh. Thank God I have good friends.

What else?
My kid is away for the summer so I’ve been out trying to be grown every chance I get.
I miss my little girl….can’t wait for her to come home

I’ve been taking a zumba class with my sister….which is FUN-A-Docious…I feel sexy once I get home…Like I need to make number 8’s with my hips.

Speaking of my sister, she almost died about a month ago.
Her blood pressure was so high she had to be hospitalized. She wasn’t taking her medicines…why…because her “man” thinks drugs do the body more harm than good…apparently my sister the nurse doesn’t have her own mind anymore…but that’s her life and her choice…I take my hands off of it!

Speaking of men….I love mine. With his old broke…someof the time working, procrastinating, never finishing what he starts ass. Something about him that I love...something about the fact that I love him drives me crazy...but this is my situation. I love him. He loves me.

More to come....

180

2011-05-20T14:08:00.000-07:00

So... I sat VH1 down and told him how I felt.

Told him that I wasn't in this anymore.
Told him that I got to get out of this.

He looked at me and blinked. Told me he loved me. Went outside and sat on the steps.

He came back in and told me that he didn't want this to be over. He loved me more than anything.

For about a week things were odd. We were in a fog.

I can home one day and he'd made dinner....like full out meal. Gourmet.

He's eyes were red. He said....

THIS. CANT. BE. OVER.

blah blah blah.....it ain't over.

We're together... And honestly things are better.

... I can't say much else love is what it is....

Stab me with spoons....again

My big Scarey Dream....

2011-03-01T11:40:00.000-08:00

So last night I dreamt that I was at a rodeo.

I was walking through the animal stalls with an animal trainer. She was teaching me how to care for the animals. We came to the buffalo (Why was there a buffalo, I don’t know).

She gave me a toy to stick into the Buffalo’s cage and tease it with. The buffalo for some reason acted very much like a dog. It barked and jumped and moved as if it were a small puppy…. but it was the size of a ginormous buffalo.

After playing with the animal. The trainer suggested we let it out. I begged her not to. She let it out anyway. For some reason the buffalo was sexually attracted to me and began chasing me around the rodeo.

I was so terrified! I ran and cried...

Finally she got the buffalo to chill out and stay still.

We left the buffalo’s cage and went down a dark corridor. When came out to a large clearing.

In that clearing were goats that have beaks…. Weird right…?!

Well immediately they began chasing me… I had my hands over my butt so that they wouldn’t peck my butt. But instead they bit my fingers…not off but just had them in their mouthes chewing on them….

I woke myself up.

So I looked up the meaning of my dream and I am terrified!!!!

Rodeo: suggests that you need to take control of your animalistic forces and primal urges

Buffalo: The dream may also warn that you are deviating from your life path and goals

Goat: represents your lack of judgment and your gullibility

Bitten: represents your vulnerability regarding some unresolved issues or emotions. You may be pestered by a problem or obstacle. The dream may also be a metaphor indicating that you have bitten off more than you chew. Perhaps you have too much to handle.

Fingers: To dream that your fingers are injured or have been chopped off, denote your anxieties about your ability to accomplish some demanding task or perform in some waking situation

I am so tired...

2011-02-28T11:03:00.000-08:00

So we’ve been together for three years.
Living together for about a year and a half….
Waking up next to each other.
Coming home to each other each day.

And just this morning…. I realized that he is not who he says he is.

He says his favorite color is brown….but I’ve never once seen him wear it or pick the color out anywhere.
He says his favorite Brand is Polo and yet he does not own a stitch of Polo.
He says he’s not shy and speaks his mind….and yet anytime we’re around people he doesn’t know he acts like a turtle.
He says he’s a “manly” man and yet I am the one with the hammer and screw driver hammering and nailing and replacing things and hauling and painting and doing EVERY DAMN THING.
He says he’s a hard worker and yet I have not one time in three years seen him work hard, on anything….not even our relationship.

I know some of these are petty. But I swear all together they are pushing me to an edge and I am about to jump. And by jump I mean break up with him. And by Break up with him I mean put him out of my house. And by put him out of my house I mean full scale “Waiting to exhale” Standing in the drive way smoking a cigarette…..

I attract a certain type of guy. And I thought he was not this guy. I though he was different….. I thought my pattern had been broken and I realize it has not been. I’ve been hoodwinked. Or maybe I am the cause. Maybe something about me says…please use me. Please get with me and then turn into a lazy slug….

The same damn shit all over again and it took me, this damn long, to fucken realize it.

This is my pattern: Working lose job, loose focus, become a slug…. Look at Janelle like she the one that has changed.

See, I can take care of my daughter and me. I got that all day, everyday. I can support she and I…. I do the best I can, work the hardest I can to make sure she and I are covered. I don’t need him to do that. I got that…..but here’s the thing…..if he’s supposed to be my MAN …. Why doesn’t he feel the need to help me with that?

I am soooo tired of waking up and his ass is fucken sleep. I leave the house and he’s still fucken sleep.
I come home and he’s in the bedroom in his underwear watching TV in a bad mood.

Now I can respect, you’re a man and you’re going through a slight depression because of the situation that you’re in… I get that. I understand that…. But what frustrates me is the lack of motivation… the lack of hustle….

As a matter fact….Where is your hustle? Did you leave it somewhere? SHIT find it… put it in your fucken pocket and get back on your grind.

I swear his lack of hustle is pushing me….
It’s unattractive…
It’s fucken ugly…

And I don’t think I can take it anymore.

I love this man. “From his hair follicle to his toe nails…love him in each and every way imaginable” but he is become so unattractive (not physically…cause I still think hes’ FIZINE) to me that I’m not sure …I want this anymore.

I feel cheated. Cheated out of a healthy relationship. Cheated out of an ADULT relationship. Instead I feel like his mom. … like I have a 30 year old son and I myself am 29.

I feel old , I’m getting fat (because I feel too tired to work out), my face is chubby and I’m becoming a hippopotamus again….. and I am just tired.

So very very tired. Too tired for my own good.

Hit it and quit it....

2010-11-23T17:08:00.000-08:00

Just wanted to check in with my BLOG WORLD...

* VH1 and I are still trucking along...

* I had a car accident in my new car last weekend...I'm ok... my car will be ok. I'm sorta ok...still nervous about driving

* My daughter is going to be EIGHT!!! DAMN how the world turns!

*I miss writing... I miss it... miss it... miss it...

* I have so many things I want to tell you and scratch your brains about...

* I have truly truly missed you all...really... man this was my place to touch down and remind myself who I am.

* Booyah!!!

I'm back Beyotches!

2010-11-18T16:43:00.000-08:00

New Posts coming soon....LMAO!

I got the boyfriend blues.

2009-12-30T11:01:00.000-08:00

So my boyfriend and I are going through a rough patch. It's a weird type rough patch though.

We are different people. From different backgrounds. with different out looks.

His mentality is still so immature.

In his mind we are not a team. We are not building anything together. It's still him doing his thang...and me doing mine. Every person for themself. We're together but seperate.

Right now I'm in a place in where, I'm thinking I'm ready for the next step. What ever the next step is. Whether it's moving in together, getting engaged having a baby....what ever!

And I feel like Vh1 is not there. Not even close to being there. He's still trying to figure hisself out. Still not settled in what he wants to do with his life. Still not fully realizing his potential.

Last night, he told me the only thing he is sure about in his life is the fact that he loves me an wants to be with me.

What the hell does that mean?

I feel like I'm standing on a cliff waiting for him to get to the top. I feel like I want to jump....

Is it me?
Am I just set in one I feel the logical progression of a relationship should be?

I really don't know.

2009-12-28T09:49:00.000-08:00

I haven't written a post in so long!It's been what 4 months!? WTH!? Where have I been...

Not much has changed since 4 months ago...I guess.

* I'm still with Vh1. I love him still. He's still my bestfriend.

* Folks are still hating on us...I'll have to write about this later.

* We are trying to move this along at our own pace. We sort of kinda live together a little. Well he's at my house EVERYDAY. He has a key, he pays bills he buys groceries...but...we don't offically live together.lol...as a matter of fact he's about to get another apartment... lol...just weird...but it works for us.

* MY is good. She's 7 now. She lost two teeth...FINALLY. She got a flat screen tv for Christmas.

*I still work at the same place.

* Still live at the same place.

* I got a car for Christmas..a black Chevy Impala.

* Vh1's car is tripping...is it wrong that I don't want to let him borrow my car?

*I sold my old car to Sonystudios.

* so far so good....

*God Bless you internet sweeties!

Is it me or is this just nonesense?

2009-08-11T10:19:00.000-07:00

I didn't get a chance to finish my post yesterday....I'll try again later...

Any ways... I gotta write about VH1 and our arguement last night.

Like I said last post we went to Six flags with like 10 of friends (most of them mine). Vh1 told me before hand that he really didn't have any spending money. I told him it was cool. I really wanted to go..since My daughter's coming back next week and I really won't be able to go out with a big group of friends anyway. So I told Vh1 I'd treat him. He was hesitant at first but he agreed. We rode with my friends so we didn't have to pay for gas, we split the cost of parking so it was only $7. Tickets were 50% off ($20 each)and we used my AAA discount for food so food only cost ($19).

So we had a good old time. Laughed and joked and got on all the rides.

At the end of the night, we were all getting snacks and suveniors and what nots. I wanted an ice cream. But in my pocket I only had $4. (the ice cream came to $6.03. So I came back out to the rest of the group and told everyone "Oh well I guess it wasn't meant to be. No ice cream for me!" I laughed it off. One of my guy friends handed me $2 and said "here take my change from my funnel cake"

I said yeah! and went and got the icecream... I came back to Vh1 and asked him if he wanted some and he said "no" and fanned me off. I didn't pay him any mind because when he's tired he's grumpy.

When we got home he was still acting all whack. I tried some small talk about the roller coasters but he wouldn't talk so I said forget it and went to sleep.

Finally Last night (TWO DAYS LATER) we are watching TV and he says "you just HAD to HAVE ice cream, huh?"

I was confused.... I didn't really know what he was talking about at first.
I say "What?"
he says, "At Magic Mountain, you just had to have icecream didn't you?"
I say "Are you serious? That's what you've been pissed about? that I had an ice cream? That someone gave me $2 funky ass dollars for icecream?"
He says "It's a guy thing."
I say "seriously, over $2?"
He stays quiet.
I say "YeS! I HAD to have an ice cream! It was 80 degrees outside I wanted an ice cream so I brought and icecream!"
He says "It's a guy thing."
I say "I could have whipped out my card and paid for the ice cream but I'd already brought tickets and lunch and I didn't want to...I just wanted icecream... get over it!"

He completely stops talking to me.
Finally like two hours later. He gets up kisses me on my check and goes to sleep. Doesn't say anything.

Normally he's not in any shape of form a jealous person. But he appears to seriously upset about this.

Is it me? Am I missing something?

"it's getting getting getting kinda hectic"

2009-08-10T17:30:00.000-07:00

The title makes no sense...just a song playing in my head.

so I have lost my voice.
I went to Six Flags this weekend with my boyfriend, NDN and her boyfriend, and like 6 other friends....it was soooooo much fun. I screamed my head off.....and now I sound like "De-bo" from Friday.....

I can not wait for my daughter to return.... I love my little monkey butt.... I think I'm going to have a little BBQ in her honor.

I am a face book junkie.

On the serious tip.... I'm being treated for PMDD... it's Pre-mentstral Dysphoric disorder.... where when the week before your period you go CRAZY! lol.... well I have completly out of control emotional out bursts and I get really depressed or really manic and crazy or super sleepy...

Here we go yo, here we go...so what's the, whats the scenario...

2009-07-27T11:51:00.000-07:00

I miss my daughter so much! OMG….

The love I have for this little person is ridiculous.

There’s not even words to express how every thing I do reminds me of her and the love I have for her….

She’s my angel…

I was missing her so much that I called her with the intent of convincing her to come home early…. She and my parents and my stepsister’s daughter are staying on a resort in the Florida Keys…. They took an airboat down to the Everglades and saw an alligator show and she got to pet alligators and hold baby ones…Needless to say she did not want to come home early.

As for my week end:

Friday: Vh1 and I just hung out at the house…. We ordered pizza and drank wine and watched movies..

Saturday: I had my yard sale but I was only out there for an hour before the LAW came through threatening to give me a ticket…. Since I didn’t know that I was supposed to have a $5 permit in order to sale stuff on my own damn lawn!!

They can shoot folks on the other corner but I can’t sale my old crap on my lawn….I guess you don’t have to have a permit to shoot folks.

Sunday, VH1 and I went to the fair. We ended up having soooooo much fun that we are prolly going to go back.
We got on some crazy ride where the floor fell out and it swung us upside down and all around…
We saw a horse that was 3,045 pounds! It was the biggest animal I’ve ever seen…. HUGE! I tell you.
We ate chocolate covered bacon…. Oh yeah…
We got on this like ski lift type ride that only held us on with a thin padded bar…at any point we could have fallen off to our deaths living behind a 6 year old girl with no parents, well she’d have her biological father but he ain’t worth the cyberspace I’m typing on…….but we lived so all is well.
We got on some other ride where it spins around and glues you to the wall. AWESOME
We ate giant turkey legs and Dip n’ dots root beer floats….

I have some pics but... blogger has you go through too many steps to post them so...maybe another day.... or face book me.... I'm a face book addict now, by the way....I'll prolly end up in rehab or something for it...

So we had an awesome weekend.... I love my boyfriend soo much I swear I do...

QUICKIE

2009-07-23T11:33:00.000-07:00

ok, so I have been MIA for a long ass time! My bad...

LOL

So I decided to do a Quick List to get myself back in my Blog Mode....

*I am still with VH1. 17 months and going strong....I am soooo in love with him. I swear he is my other half. I praise God for meeting a wonderful awesome man like him.

* I miss my daughter terribly. She's in Florida until August 18th visiting my mom....she's been there since June 21st.

* I just brought a 60 inch Samsung flat screen....I paid cash for it.

*I'm having a Yard Sale on Saturday, just brought new tables in the living room...and my friend just gave me a dinning room table.

*I'm going to the Fair on Sunday.

* I went to the most fun wedding I've ever been to last weeked....It was so fun....OMG.

* My friend, Sonystudios, just had another baby.... A girl named Ryan Kathleen....she looks like a big ole foot ball. She has long bangs that swoop over her eye....letting us all know she's born a diva!!

* I secretly would like to have another baby....but I know VH1 wants to wait....sigh....but I'm 28. I'm getting old....that means these eggs are getting old...he better hurry up...lol

*otherwise all is well. how are you all doing?

50 things you don't know about me.

2009-05-13T11:57:00.000-07:00

1. Were you named after anyone?
Yes, my middle name is the same as my Aunt’s first name. She is my mother’s younger sister. She and my mother were pregnant at the same time. My Aunt’s baby died and my mother named me after my aunt (instead of the daughter) in tribute to my aunt.

2. When is the last time you cried, really cried?
On my birthday. It was the first time that VH1 and I had a real real argument and he call me a name....we're ok now.

3.Do you like your handwriting?
It depends on which personality is in charge at the time.

4.What is your favorite lunchmeat?
No, but if I had to choose… I’d pick pastrami.

5. Do you have kids?
Yes, one lovely awesome fantastic, smart funny, talented little girl.

6. If you were another person would you be friends with yourself?
Of course! I think a lot of my friends would agree that I’m a cool chic….I prolly talk a little too much though.

7. Do you use sarcasm?
Never. Yeah right!

8. Do you still have your tonsils?
YEP….never had them removed.

9. Would you bungee jump?
Never

10. What is your favorite ice cream?
Butter pecan with caramel topping…..ummmm

11. What is the first thing you notice about people?
Teeth. Hands down the most important facial feature.

12. Red or Pink?
Both

13. What is your favorite thing about your self?
My ability to recover from difficult situations.

14. What is the one thing you miss the most?
My mom….she’s in Florida.

15. What is one thing you regret?
I made a vow to live a regretless life; but if I had to choose I would say choosing DJ to be the father of my child….my daughter deserves so much more.

16. What color pants and shoes are you wearing?
I’m not wearing pants. I have on black peeptoe high heels.

17. What are you listening to right now?
The hummmm of the air conditioner

18. If you were a crayon, what color would you be?
Sparkling champagne pink

19.What is your favorite smell?
Light Blue by Dolce and Gabana

20. Who is the last person you spoke to?
Some customer….complaining about something trivial.

21. What is your favorite sport?
BASKETBALL!

22. Do you wear contacts?
no

23. What is your favorite food?
Anything cheesy….like Mexican food.

24. Do you prefer scary movies or happy endings?
Happy endings

25. What color shirt do you have on?
I have on a black tank top under my grey dress.

26. Daytime or nighttime?
Both

27. Hugs or Kisses?
Both

28. What is your favorite dessert?
Ice cream

29. One word to describe the person who sent you this questionnaire.
Complicated

30. What book are you reading now?
Nothing at the moment….sad.

31. What type of mouse pad do you have?
True Track Blood Glucose monitoring system

32. What did you watch on TV last night?
The LAKER game…of course

33. What is your favorite sound?
My daughter saying "I love you mommy"

34. Jay Z or NAS?
Both

35. Where is the farthest you’ve traveled away from home?
The Bahamas

36. Do you have and special talents? What are they?
I can ignore you. I don’t know?

37. What did you want to be when you grew up as a child?
A fashion designer/ own my own magazine.

38. Who is the one person that knows you best?
My daughter.

39. What is your hobby?
I’m looking for one…..any suggestions…. Writing I guess.

40. Dominoes or spades?
Dominoes

41. Kool Aid or Red juice drink?
Red juice drink

42. Light or Dark liquor?
Both but not at the same time

43. Is the cup half empty or half full?
Half full.

44. What do you wear when you sleep?
Night gowns….lol

45. What is the weirdest thing you do?
All of the labels in all my cabinets have to be facing forward.

46. What would your ex boyfriend/girlfriend have to say about you?
He’d say that I’m a beautiful person and he should’ve never screwed up

47. What is your greatest fear?
Being alone. It’s human nature to want to be in contact with others.

48. What is your greatest success (so far)?
My daughter. Being pretty close to debit free before 30.

49. What is your best childhood memory?
Playing freeze-tag in my aunt’s front yard with my Easter dress and white, baby doll shoes with all 10 thousand of my cousins.

50. What's your favorite cereal?
Cinamon Toast Crunch

eyyy yo aight!

2009-04-27T11:52:00.000-07:00

1. my kid is officially a girl scout. her investiture service was yesterday.

2. i am so in love with this vh1 character.... can you believe it's been a year?

3. i went pass my uncles place this weekend. he was outside working on his truck. he was sooo happy to see me when i pulled up to say "hi" it really made me feel good. a warm feeling that I'd forgotten about.

4. my birthday's coming up...the big 2-8! i wanted to spend the night at Disneyland to celebrate but it doesn't look like that's going to work. i can't decide what else i want to do.... hmmmmm

5. my boyfriend made cornish hens, spicy rice and greens for dinner last night...then after dinner he pulled the meat off the bones and put each item in neat plastic containers so that I could have lunch today.

6. why are folks loosing their minds about this swine flu? its complete mass hysteria here at the drug wholesale! lol every single one of the calls i've answered today are requesting tamiflu ( a drug for the flu) or face masks....lol it's stupid crazy

7. I slept good last night!

8. I plan on going to visit my homegirls out in Texas in June! it's gonna be fun-tastic!

9. i love my boyfriend but I hate that i can't talk about him with my friend stace. she has the worst man in the world and it's like she gets depressed when i tell her how great my man is.

10. my sister and her family are so cute! i love them.

2009-04-14T15:52:00.000-07:00

****Haters****
I am not a hater ...so I don’t even understand hater culture. I guess cause I'm not a hater ,I can’t really get into the mindset of hater…! I can't even get into hater mode and think like a hater!!!

It's only four black folk’ work here altogether! Me, a chic in IT, another old chic in accounting and an old man in HR .....
Now why chic in IT been hating on me since I first started working here two years ago…could be cause I’m younger, and more fly and I don’t really talk much…I keep to myself and do my own thang…but what ever the reason I’ve done nothing directly or indirectly to her….but she always find a way to say something shady or do something haterific to me. I can't stand it!

Last night we walking out to the parking lot and she like...
"why you here so late?" Like with a mad attitude….
I say What?" Cause she and I ain’t friends….we usually say hi and bye but that’s it plus I was on the phone with my man trying to decide what we were going to cook for dinner not even the least bit concerned with her presence other that they half smile I gave her cause I know she’s a hater.
She says to me, "I thought you got off at 5:30.? (How she know what time I get off?)...Why you here so late with the rest of us worker bees?"
I say " I leave at 5:30 to pick up my daughter, she’s on spring break this week…"
She say "Oh, I thought you got to leave because you’re special…"
No I didn’t knock her two front teeth out like I wanted to….instead I act like I didn’t hear her just kept right on talking to Vh1 on the cell...
WHY! WHY! WHY are you’re so concerned with what I'm doing?! I don't even understand it? You ain't even on the same floor as me or same department as me...I could go months with out seeing or speaking to you.... Yet you so concerned with what I do.... You couldn't wait to step to me and say something!
Hi Hater!
UGGGGHHHHH!!!!

** friendneimies***
Now honestly I love my friends. I belong to a ring of friends that all of us email each other daily. There’s 4 of us that spend our free time emailing back and forth…Whether it’s the odd news of the day, events going on in the office that we can’t say out loud or if it’s asking each other for advice. Of the four of us, I am the only one with a steady boyfriend…Another girl had a fiancée but she caught him in her house that she shared with him with another girl.
Now today she asks for advice about whether or not she should go to dinner with this guy…
You know what….mid post I got tired of what I was writing about…completely lost interest in it…oh well!

**** Funny story***
This morning me, Vh1 and MY were about to walk out the door....and
MY says "Vh1, I have something to tell you."
He says "What is it MY?"
She says "Please don't be mad"
He says "I won't be mad what is it?"
She says" I used your toothbrush"
I fell out laughing that is so nasty....
Vh1 was like "WHY!!! WHY!!! "
She was like "I don't know... I washed it off though.... "

Needless to say I brought new toothbrushes today....

***Blog Family!****

Don’t hate me because I haven’t been able to read and comment lately….my home computer is on the fritzes has been for like a year…and I can’t get my surf on at the workplace like I used to. But just in case you forgot….I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!!!

picture post

2009-04-10T16:19:00.000-07:00

This is my daughter strutting in her beach cover up:

This is me, posing....check the bronze streaks in the hair.

The kids at the beach:

My niece Savanah Joy...Look at those Cheeks!!!
That's my bigsis in the background...

My daughter:

ME at the club..... that night I couldn't decide what to wear.

My daughter at the Park....throwing sticks at the ducks.

Shhhhhhh don't tell him....but this is VH1... he'd stab me if he knew....LOL! but you can barely see him SO WALA! Mystery revealed....sorta.....

Correspondence Between Friends...

2009-04-08T11:28:00.000-07:00

It all started with an email to my friend describing what I did for the evening. The description included the fact that once the evening was over, I went to pick my daughter up from her fathers house at 11pm and the poor kid was starving…she’d been there since 7 and all she’d ate was one boiled hot dog…with no bread…in four hours. I also told her how VH1 was really pissed about it.

This is what my “friend” responded to me:

“He was wrong for not feeding that baby ...but girl you know how these daddies be you should have feed her and packed her a snack.... He may not have had more them one weenie LOL.. You know bd's are sorry for the most part....
But what VH1 talking about. He is your man not saying it is his responsibility but you know comes with the package he suppose to spend time with her too and he with you so of course he spends more time with her cause he there. Sad and should not be but it is reality ......"

I then respond to her:

“ But really girl. He lives with his momma.... What the two of them eat for dinner? She get a check because she drank so much she in heart and liver failure. I know for a fact that she gets a check and food stamps because she told me. His son there and he wasn't hungry. So why is MY? he fed all them but he can't fee his daughter? He could've made her a 0.13Cent bag of Top Ramen and my baby would've been fine. It’s the 7th and they ain't got money from they check on the 1st.

I wasn't mad a VH1 for what he said. The way DJ is with MY is awful. He treats her like a stepchild or a burden. So I feel where vVH1 is coming from.
It wouldn't be a problem if DJ did something. He look at her little face and still treat her half a$$ed?!l HE don't do NOTHING!
For his son he take him to basketball games buy him shoes, buy him game boys and games and $hit and nothing for MY! And he ain't even sure that his son is his! Ra (the mother of his son told him that his son ain’t his) but he treat MY like nothing and he know for an absolute definite fact that My is his child.

I can't be mad at Vh1 for being pissed off that DJ aint being a man. Yeah it's VH1s job to do that because he with me but What's DJ's job? to be nothingness?
I don't feel sorry for DJ either. He is 30 years old with no job? No hustle? No car? No nothing? Vh1 don’t’ respect that because he do what he got to to make it happen…even if its for somebody else’s kid.”

To add to your disheartened feeling here’s a picture of MY:

2009-03-23T12:34:00.000-07:00

Friday was so much fun.

I ended up wearing this bohemian inspired, blue, purple, white, black, gold printed, off the shoulder mini dress with a black wide band belt that fit just under the breast, and my knee black high boots. I’m wearing my hair with swooped to the side bangs and big curls all over…so the out fit all sort of "fit" together.

*****

Vh1 was supposed to go with me…but in his true Libra-esque anti-social style he flipped the script on me and didn’t go. He went on a run with his uncle instead….so I went to another social event ALONE. Sigh. Well at least I was cute.
I told him through drunken sobbing tears Saturday morning that it hurt my feelings that he didn’t want to go with me. I told him I love him so much that I want to share him with other people…he said that he never looked at it that way and he’d work on it. I believe him.

******

At the party, I found three of my friends who came to the event coupled up but through liquor induced bad girl-ness decided we head out girls only" to hit up the after hours, just us four girls.
I’ll tell you something about Belizean folks…Those heffas can party! It was 5 a.m. when I left because my feet hurt and I could barely hold my eyes open and I was already beginning to have a hangover, so who knows what time the other three left.

I got home safe, passed out across my unmade bed and slept for a few hours, threw up, and all was well.

You know those jokes folks send through email…. "You know how you know you’re old" well I know I’m old because my bank put a hold on my Debit card because they thought the late night bar charges were out of character and thought someone had stole my card!!!
LOL so sad.

*****

I took my daughter and my little cousin to see Coraline on Saturday…its scary. Like not just for the kids…for me too.

******

Then I took the girlies to Hometown Buffet…..(my cousins Bri’s girlfriend had given me some "kids eat free" coupons …) and Let me tell you….their barbeque is the bizness!!!! Me and the girls sat there for almost 45 minutes stuffing our faces….LOL. No wonder I need to loose this extra 20 pounds!!! Damn barbeque.

******

Why is it so windy here in Cali today? The wind is blowing like crazy…good thing I got the messy big curls hair today.

******

I had a pretty tough morning this morning…. I left my cell phone at home…I broke two fingernails!!!…My skin is super dry…. This stupid V05 hair spray is making me flaky! And I have on a black shirt…I burned the top of my mouth with my coffee and something’s wrong with one of my rims so it keeps making my tire pressure low.

*****

I still haven’t found anyone to pick up MY and keep her for less than 30 minutes a day…not since my father bitched out on me…pulled his same life tricks … sigh….life is so difficult when you’re having fun.

** ****

I will be eating Pho today for lunch….if you don’t know about Vietnamese noodles you better get in the game!

** ****

Please somebody tell CrazyC to stop calling me asking me when are he and I going to have a baby.....lol the boy is a mess...

******

Funny story about my daughter: last night vh1, MY and I went to CVS. While I paid for the goods, MY and Vh1 pretended to do the tango… they danced all around him twirling and spinning her like she was a little princess. I loved it. The two people I love loving each other….I wish I had a camera with me. I love the fact he could careless how silly he looked he just wanted her to smile.

Once we got into the car, MY kept asking me if I was ok. She asked me three times before I really realized she was asking me the same question over and over. Finally I ask her "Why are you asking me am I ok?" She says "I just wanted to know if you were jealous over how me and Vh1 were dancing…" Vh1 and I laughed with surprise. She says "Yeah maybe next time you should dance with him like me."

My kid is crazy.

I'm a face book junkie now.

2009-03-18T12:21:00.000-07:00

I know I’ve asked this question before; but really, why are haters everywhere?
They feed on the scent of folks minding their own business, don’t they? They just can’t leave me alone. I’m in my cubicle I’m doing my business.

Sigh….

***

So my weekend turned out pretty good up there in Northern Cali.

Saturday morning Vh1 called me at 4 am to make sure I got up for my flight at 7.

I arrived in Oakland at 8.

I rented a convertible white mustang….yea! So you know I was looking super fine valentine.

It was foggy and I was a little irritated that I couldn’t put the top down

I decided to have breakfast Denny's and then go over to the mall (which I found with the GPS system in my rental car)..

And who should I run into at the Denny’s? The maid of honor! She was there with her mom.

They invited me to breakfast. Since I hadn’t checked into my room, they invited me to stay at their hotel room with them (the room was free because the bride and groom paid for it) so I canceled my reservation at my hotel (extended Stay Deluxe) and stayed with them at the Sheridan.

After breakfast we went back to their room.

Their room was where the bride got dressed, so I got to see her getting her make up on and everything. It was very nice.

I got dressed after the bridal party went down stairs.

And when I went down stairs to get in my car and WHY did it have a flat tire! I was so irritated.

When I called the rental service the man told me that he couldn't get there in enough time to change the tire and for me to get to the wedding in enough time, so to "just get a ride" YES that is his exact words….I was heated.

So I got a ride with the Maid of honor’s mom.

The wedding was BEAUTIFUL. When I say beautiful, I mean simply beautiful. It was at a golf course south of Oakland in San Ramon. .

The ceremony was out side next to this lake. It was cold but It was worth it.

The two bridesmaids had strapless dresses that gathered on the side and had a diamond pendant on the side.

The maid of honor wore a chocolate dress that was almost just like Michelle Obama's inauguration dress and it had a diamond o the shoulder. They all carried orange sunflowers in their hands.

The bride’s dress was strapless and gathered at the breast and had a diamond pendant in the center. It was like sheer flowy material to the ground. She wore her hair in straw curls and had a flower in her hair.

The guys walked in to the instrumental to "The Light" by Common. The girls walked in to this song by Musiq and she walked down the isle to this song by India Aire. Her mom gave her away.

The pastor was funny and sweet.

They jumped the broom.

After the ceremony there was a cocktail hour in the bar area of the golf course. The groom’s parents brought paid for all drinks.... and there was a slide show full of pictures chronicling their 7 year relationship….yes she waited 7 years..

Then we went inside for the reception.
They danced to "If your love was all I had" by Justin Timberlake.
The cake was white with chocolate brown designs on it.
The party favors were a burlap sack with a glass of brown sugar and their names on it...and these heart shaped measuring spoons and each spoon said stuff like "a pinch of love" a spoon of caring...so on and so on.

****

After the wedding I got back to the hotel called the rental car service and cussed them out. They came and fixed the tire at like 12 in the morning.

Then I had to return the car at 9. So, I didn't get to really drive it at all. I complained about the road side assistance and at first the manager said to me "what would you do if it was your own car..." that pissed me off so I went off...... So, they gave me the car for half off.

I was tired and ready to go home so I didn't extend my rental and stay the rest of the day until my flight home at 8pm so I went to the airport and had Southwest change my flight to 10am.
I got back here in the Southland at 11am

****

There is still the issue VH1’s behavior…. Which I know y’all told me to stop tripping on…

Well Sunday night he came over …after my nap and we spent all day Monday together.
There was some issues going on with him… See, I know my man BLOG FAMILY!!
He confessed said issues…. No cheating…it was some legal stuff that I knew about…but didn’t really know about.

We’re back in the gang now…. All happy and fuzzy and in love.

***

My friend’s little sister is turning 24…. Gees, I’m old. And Vh1 and I are going to her birthday. I need help building an outfit… Any suggestions? At 27 I feel uber old. I want to be HOT but not old lady Hot…. New hip hottie Hot…. You know?
I love these black shinny leggings that are the rave now…. And I like mini dresses…so I’m thinking of going in either of those two directions…. But I got fat knees lol and a big butt and a chunky middle LOL!!!!!! So I don’t know if my body wants to go in either of those directions…

For the random of the moment here’s a picture of my niece.

2009-03-12T16:14:00.000-07:00

Saturday is the day of my friends wedding so I'm going to be Flying up to San Fran to celebrate her big day with her.

Vh1 is going to Arizona tonight. he couldn't go with to be my date.

so I 'm going alone... I have mixed feelings about it. I'm scared and happy and worried I'll feel weird all at the same time. I should not have read that article in Cosmo this month about the chics who checked into hotels alone and folks killed them.

I actually been feeling wierd with Vh1 lately. I hate when people over explain things and that's what he's been doing a lot of. not that i think he's a cheater but he's hiding something and that pisses me off.

oK enough venting....

Can I block certain people from commenting?

2009-03-04T09:06:00.001-08:00

Yeah, I know the answer to my question nevertheless...as a matter of fact this whole post will be a post of questions.

* how can someone one mess up: rinse pot, fill pot with 8 cups of water, change filter, pour in coffee?

* when will they make a car that drives itself so that i can perfect my eye make up?

* why is g's to gents my new guilty pleasure? (oh I have many other guilty pleasures this is just my newest one) why do i love fahim from the reality show g's to gents? he's such an ass and yet i love him! why did he tell that girl last night that she smelled like fish? oh! the comedy.

* why are hater's everywhere?

* why is my outfit so cute today? (purple, grey, brown paisly skirt, grey shirt brown cordaroy jacket and brown loafers....)

* why am i addicted to mini steak tacos?

*why do i begin to hate my nail polish after a week?

* why did we have a receptionist anyway?

* Why would this boy not admit that he's gay when i can see it in his walk?

*How come the homeless people in my neighborhood congregate in the alley next to my house having festivals at 5 in the morning?

*why do i feel like vh1 and i will be one of those couples that are togehter for 50 years before they get married...even though vh1 is ALLLLLLL about being married?

* will i ever have another baby?

* Why is my daughter so emotional? never mind i know the answer to that.

*what is the point of having a brand new car and living check to check?

*when is friday going to get here?

*Who wants to go out to dinner when I get this bonus check for the promotion for the month of march?

*why do i know my boss is going to give me a hard time on my review next week?

*Why are these customers that i have so dumb and in charge of your medications at the same time?

* why do i have a sick crush on nick of the jonas brothers?

*why are all my questions "why" questions?

* why is my daughter having a field trip to the dentist? that does not sound fun at all!

* why did i just buy a gucci luggage bag for my trip to San Ramon?

ok....i'm done with this.... hope you have a gorgeous day!!!!

What Would You Do?

2009-03-02T10:58:00.000-08:00

Don't you love this show "WWYD?" it comes on channel 7 here in cali... it's like they make all these scenarios to see how people will react....I just love it....

Well here are my WWYD scenarios...that are my relife situations....

scenario #1.
my cousin (he's actually not even really my cousin...he's a long term play cousin of sorts)and his girl have been together since the begining of the earth. they have like 400 kids together. have lived together for like 210 years. they fight, they break up and they get back together. I've become real cool with his girlfriend. a few of her kids are the same age as my daughter so while my cousin is off driving trucks across the country; sometimes i'll go over there and hang out.
on new years eve they broke up. this spore a heated and devastating custody battle. the girl friend lied on him in court. he lied on the girlfriend in court both trying to keep full custody of the kids (and the kids disablity checks...but that's for a whole other post) they really are good parents but....they are mad at each other and are not thinking clearly....

well my cousin calls me and askes me to write a letter for him saying that i helped him plan a birthday party for his girlfriend. (which i did...matter fact I blogged about it about a year ago)because the girlfriend is saying he wasn't invited to that party he just showed up and was physically violent with her. in reality he planned and paid for the whole party.

after he called me she called me and asked me to write a letter on her behalf saying that I've spent time with her and the kids and have allowed my daughter to spend the night... because he's saying that she is abusive to the kids and smokes weed in front of them.

well I don't want no part of it!! they prolly going to end up right back with each other...

now my cousin is calling me at home, calling on my cell, texting me, writing me emails on and on..... asking me to do it....

Should I write the letter for him for the fact that we are "family"?

scenario #2.
my daughter usually goes to her dads every other weekend. because if you're a parent you often times need a break. Well she hasn't gone to her dads in two months.
why? because my daughter's father is a retard. there's no other explanation that that.

well on saturday my daughter and i went to see "The Jonas Brothers:3D Concert Experience" (which was.... crazy... imagine 76 mintues of little girls screaming for three little scrony little boys.....but they are kinda cute...lol) afterwards she and I walked up and down Hollywood Blvd....which is tooo fun looking at the stars, looking at the crazy fools dressed up in costumes, going into different weird little shops....went to McDonalds...had a nice mommy daughter day.

after wards around 4 I called vh1. he asked me when was MY going to her dads. he wasn't rude about it...just made it clear that he wanted some one on one time with me....since we havent' been on a date since January.

so, i called her dad. and she went over there for the evening so that vh1 and i could have some grown up time.

when i told one of my friends, she said she would've been offended if her dude asked her when would her kid be going to her dads... (mind you this friend of mine has no kids and no dude)

but do yall think he was outta line for asking for some one on one time?

p.s. I still have my job....all is fine and stable....

Black Tax

2009-02-27T11:44:00.000-08:00

I work in an environment where I am the only Black in my department. I am the only Black on my floor. I am one of four Blacks that work in the office building. I am one of only 15 Blacks that work in our division of 150 employees.

I have to work triple time to prove my worth. I have to go over and above to prove that I deserve to be here.

I come in on time everyday ready to work. I take my lunch and breaks at the exact appropriate times. I don’t gossip. I don’t involve myself in the frivolous conversations going on around me. I answer more incoming calls then all my co-workers combined. I do my work. I turn my work in. I go home.

I wear the appropriate attire, no jeans Monday through Thursday. I’m neat. I’m conservative. I’m polite.

I follow the rules meticulously because I know…I know that my boss has issues with Black people.

I’ve been managed by white people before; however, the majority of them have been west coast folks that grew up with Blacks. That are "assimilated" to Blacks being equals. White people that are aware that Blacks aren’t all loud mouthed, attitudinal, aggressive, snappy, late, lazy, toothless, barefoot manual laborers….

My supervisor is not from the west. She was raised in a farming town. An area of the country that currently is racially charged. A place that she values and cherishes. A place were box blondes still wear their holiday sweaters and white Ked’s tennis shoes and drive mini vans full of obnoxious teenagers to hockey games and bake cookies and cakes in the middle of the night because they want others to like them.

This week we were asked to pre-book our customers for flu vaccines for the upcoming flu season in September 2009. I sold 11 stores a total of 50 units …in one day. A total of $5000. More than all my co-workers. I also sold $4500….in one day of prescription vials. More than all my co-workers.

I increased my sales from January to February by $60,000…

And do you know yesterday when two of my co-workers (not in my department) were laid-off guess who’s name was been whispered about as being "next"?

I still have my job....so far... today.Today is the last of "Cuts" ...So if I make it through today...I won't have to take that job as a Medical Receptionist that I've been keeping at bay in case they get rid of me.

yesterday i almost died....or went to jail...or...

2009-02-23T09:40:00.000-08:00

Sunday morning, I'm laying in bed. Feeling sick with a cold.
VH1 is laying next to me a little hung over from the night before.
MY (my six year old) comes in to the room with her two bags on her arm.
She says "Mommy, I'm going to my daddies for a little while."
I say "You leaving me? I couldn't stand it if you left me."
She says "You really want me to stay?"
I say "Of course I would die if you left me."
She puts her bags down and says "ok, I'll stay" Then she says "Are you sick mom?"
I say yeah.
She says "What you need?"
I say "I'm going to go get me some coffee in about five minutes, you want to walk with me?"
She says yes, I tell her to go put on her clothes.

A few minutes later the house was too quiet.
So I call her.
No answer.
I call her again no answer.
I go in the living room the front doors are wide open.
I scream!!!!!!!!

Vh1 jumps up and says "where is she?" I say "I don't know." He runs outside no shirt no shoes just jeans.

I throw on pants (that were too small and my panties were showing) and I'm running down the street. Vh1 runs the opposite way.

I'm screaming her name like a lunatic. I'm runnung down the street and I see a bundle of clothes in the middle of the main street which I think is her... I get to the corner I'm screaming and crying....It's not her.

But there's a man on the corner, he says "you looking for your daughter?" I say "yea!" he says "she told me she was going to the coffee store. I told her to go to 7 11 !"
I push him out of my way. A$$ hole!

I'm running down Manchester bare foot, in jeans that are too little, with a green tank top, green and blue underwear showing and my red gangster rag on my head . I get to 711 out of breath about to have an asthma attack.

There are two men at 7 11 that MY is trying to talk into giving her a cup of coffee because her mother doesn't feel good.

They were about to call the police..

I fell on to the ground and started crying. My heart damn near stopped. I threw up.
I began shaking uncontrollably.

That's how I spent my weekend. How about you?

The trouble with youngsters today...

2009-02-20T09:27:00.000-08:00

ok, so I'm feeling better. I did my hair. I cleaned my house. I washed and cleaned the car and went on a mini shopping spree. And I feeling better physically.

I guess those Estrogens were effing with me earlier this week.

So last night I was feeling real good. I went to Target. I was getting MY some uniform pants (cause she's growing like a string bean) and some new tennis shoes (because she needs a new pair like everymonth! them Nikes I got her for the start of the year are all scuffed up).

Well, I'm strolling through the shelves and I see a young black girl. She looks like she's about 22. She has a young daughter and she appears to be debating whether to buy a few different pairs of shoes. She had on a Pharmacy Technician smock. It reminded me of myself when I was her age. I stood there for a second just remembering those days.

I went over to her. I introduced myself. I told her that I am also a pharmacy technician and I've been in the pharmacy field for 10 years now. I told her that I didn't know how much she made but the drug company that I work for is hiring. They have really great benefits, it's Monday through Friday 9 to 6 (which is like the goose that laid a golden egg to a tech cause you'll never work those hours at a hospital or a pharmacy) , I tell her that the pay is excellent. I tell her that I've been working here for 2 years and I make about 51K a year. I tell the best thing is you get a base pay which is small like $19 to 21 an hours but you get paid comission which is any where from $1500 to unlimited a month. I give the young girl my card and tell her to go to the website if she's intrested or knows someone who is intrested in applying.

Do you know this young heffa gave me mad ass attitude? Eyes rolling head snapping...ghetto popping.... I just shook my head and walked away.

What do yall think? Was I wrong? Was I out of line?

I'm having an awful year.

2009-02-18T10:15:00.000-08:00

I am in the process of cleaning my aura.
I am having the worst year. I mean I have love. Which is definitely helpful, I couldn't imagine if I didn't have love and all this was going on.

1. My car was impouded in December and held for 30days.
2. After 30 days, come to find out I couldve gotten it out earlier ...so that means the $1270 could've still been in my savings account.
3. Went to court 12/2008, was sentenced to pay $1451 by March 5th.
4. Went to court 1/2008, was sentenced to pay $804 by March 30th.
5.Went to Court 2/2008, was sentenced to pay $550 by Februray 2010. Was given 1 year probation (not real probation like with a probation officer by probation all the same)
6. Still scheduled for court on 4/2008 where I will probably have a similar sentence as on 2/2008.
7. I took my car to be smogged. The car failed the smog.
8. Took my car to be repaired....ended up paying $750 for repairs.
9. My check engine light just came back on AGAIN today!
10. My car is not registered. Which means I could be pulled over and found in violation of my probation and given a 30day suspension.
11. I had plans on going to Oakland next month (tickets all paid for) and I really need to just back out of but I can not return the ticket..
12. My father, who has never been a father to me. Was assisting me with picking my kid up from school. He decided he doesn't want to be responsible for that anymore so now I have to figure out how to pick her up from school at 6 when I get out of work at 6.
13. My boss gave me permission to leave at 5:30pm everyday to pick up my kid. BUT she's giving me attitude everyday sorta like "you owe me..." which makes my days stressful.
14. I have to get on to the 405 freeway and make it to my kid in 30 minuts (if you don't know about the 405.....its the devils parking lot) .. which is nearly impossible.
15. I had a flat tire yesterday.
16. I had another flat tire today.
17. I have a cold.
18. My face is breaking out.... like I'm 16.
19. I just want to cry.

valentine dinner....

2009-02-16T16:12:00.000-08:00

Caramelized onions atop a three-inch thick well seasoned juicy sirloin steak, with sautéed lemon flavored shrimp and a cucumber, jicama, and mango salad covered with lime juice sprinkled with chili...

I love my boyfriend.

Super Fine, Valentine

2009-02-13T14:16:00.000-08:00

I feel much better today.
I got home and blew chunks a few times and suddenly I was well.

As for you pregnancy-sayers.... wouldn't it be something if vh1 and I had a baby? LOL he has a big ole head so I wouldn't be able to walk...ever again! lol...Naw we'd like to be married before a pregnancy. and we ain't getting married prolly for another 105 years...and I ain't have no kids after 30. I'm 27 so....mostly likely My will be our only child. LOL! Unless something in the same catagory of unicorns and fairies happens...lol... Watch me have to eat these words in a year!

SO tomorrow is Valentines day. The theme of our Valentines Day is "a night out at home". I didn't really buy Vh1 anything. I did however...shave a "TS" into my hubic pairs, lol (I brought these "stencil" like things from the naughty store on the corner... they were like $2. It took a LOT of time but it came out cute) and I brought this black see through one piece mini dress and undies to match, some black strappy shoes and got a french tip on my toes. He's supposed to cook me some magically delicious dinner... and I'm making some delightful cocktails with pomagrante schnapps, vodka and ginger ale.
FUN WILL BE HAD BY ALL!

I been going through alot of ish lately. Mostly with $. I got $ but I also got bills...the two do not work well with each other.

Can somebody please suggest a good book? I have read two books this month so far but were just ehhh. I want something that excites me... a real page turner. I'm reading this Ok book right now. It's not my ususal ghetto fabulos book. It's called "The Pilot's Wife" by Anita Shreve. It's just not an Ethinc book lol like the one I read last month, "Shameless Hoodwives" by Meesha Mink and De'nesha Diamond...It was a hot mess of fun. Took me two or three days to read it....good book. OHHHH and I read "House of Sand and Fog" GREAT BOOK !!! Not a ghetto book at all but an excellent read.

Oh yeah I wrote a short story the other day....I might post it for yous guys....

What the fuzzballs is going on with Chris Brown? But what's really sad....I hate to even say this being that I've gotten into physical altercations with my daughters father....I don't feel sorry for her. I mean I hate spousal abuse. I think it's ugly and contagious. But for some reason (could be cause I don't like Rihanah anyway...) I feel like she's prolly one of those "Never-shut-up Girls...." and she prolly was working his nerves....not that she deserved to ever be hit... but.... I'm just saying...

WHy does MTV still call it self MTV? it's ridiculous. They don't show any damn Videos.

2009-02-12T15:54:00.000-08:00

I don’t know what’s going on with me today. I feel like I’m in a daze. I’ve been having trouble concentrating fully, which is affecting me here at work. I have that feeling where you move your eyeballs quickly to an object but then it takes your brain a few seconds to actually realize your eyes have moved. Vertigo. See that’s what I mean. I have dysnomia (difficulty or inability to retrieve the correct word from memory when it is needed). I feel extremely nauseous. I feel bloated but it’s not even close to that time of the month when I should normally feel bloated. I have a tickling cough. That keeps me awake all night. My chest hurts from coughing. I feel achy. I have to pee every ten minutes (then again I have been drinking tea and water like a fish). I have chills. My eyes hurt deep behind the eyeballs. I feel like at any moment I could heave up my lunch dinner and whatever else is left. My head hurts, like my scull got shrunk in hot water. Miscellaneous joints are swollen my third knuckle on my left hand, my right ankle. It feels like there’s a pulled muscle in my lower right back and I’m having a muscle spasm in my right hand from the tip of my pinky finger to my wrist.

I want to be at home, with my jammies on, wrapped in a heating pad, with my Gain smelling blanket on top continuing my diet of tea and water watching Forensic files or Snapped or the world’s tallest woman or something on HGTV.

I do not want to be here. Sitting in my cubicle. Looking at my flat screen hustling drugs to pharmacist who are barely capable of there degrees (that was mean…but that’s how I feel right now…mean…cranky…irritable.)

Thanks for listening. I have to go pee…again….for the 55555th time today.

Haven't done this in a while...

2009-02-04T11:24:00.000-08:00

Friday:
I went to the Bridge to see "Hotel for dogs" with my daughter. It was a very cute movie. My favorite part: when the black people agree to adopt the white kids.

Saturday:
Took my daughter to her dads. Then I went to my friends Bridal Shower. Her colors are orange and brown. So she had on a brown shirt that said "The Joneses Est. 03.14.09" it was super cute. We played games, ate chicken and had lemonade punch. She opened the gifts and almost fell on the ground laughing and crying at the picture I put in her card of her getting her freak on at a party. And the gift it self was a big hit….of course.

Saturday night:
I went with Stace (yea, I know I’m not supposed to stop being friends with her…but it’s hard to end friendships) and I went to Gabbah this reggae club for her sisters birthday. It was tooo fun… I had a French Connection and the owner gave me two coolers and I was on cloud 9….

Late Late Late Saturday night:
Afterwards, I got dropped off at home and Vh1 got dropped off at my house by his friend. So just imagine the two of us drunk as skunks!!! He’s yelling at me saying "You know I’m going to wash your dishes tomorrow right?! You know I’m going to wash them!" And me all super drunk… saying "that’s cause you the best baby!" We looked and sounded like Whitney and Bobby so sad.

Sunday:
We woke up hung over. My’s dad brought her home and the three of us went to a super bowl party at one of Vh1’s friends…a girl….she’s gay but she’s still a chic….she’s a stud but I’m always suspicious…they spend a lot of time together. I feel like it’s so easy for a gay girl to decide she wants to be straight again…. You know?

Monday:
I stayed home from work.
I had to go to court on the charge that I was driving on a suspended license (which is a misdemeanor punishable with 6 months jail time and up to $30000 fine), did not have proof of insurance and had a necklace hanging from the rearview mirror. Since I had my license the Public defender made a deal with the DA. They reduced my charges to driving without proof of a license (an infraction…) and they dismissed all other charges. SO my plea agreement is that I pay a $150 fine and I have 6 months probation (not real probation like with a probation officer….but I can’t get any tickets and I must have proof of my license and car insurance at all times not doing so results in a fine and a 30 day suspension)

Tuesday:
I stayed home at home again because MY wasn’t feeling well. I figured since I was out I’d get my car smogged and go to the DMV for my tags. But the car didn’t pass the smog. The smog guy says that it was the CO2 sensor. But the CO2 sensor guy said he thought it was the exhaust manifold. But when my mechanic checked it, it really was the pipe that goes to the exhaust manifold it’s broken… but it’s because the engine mounts were broken. So I have to pay really close to $600 to have the whole shebang fixed….

Can you say broke? Oh well Can’t cry about it now…. the Lord will make away for my daughter and I….I think I’m going to have a garage sale….so we can at least have some food.

they call me brotha to the night.....

2009-01-28T10:43:00.000-08:00

so one of my very good friends ambo is getting married.
she lives up north. so this march i'm flying up there to go to her wedding.

but this weekend she's having her bridal shower around the corner from my house. (she's originally from this area and the majority of her family is too) i am sooooo excited.

the theme of her wedding is "love jones" (her new hubby's last name is jones and that movie is her favorite movie) the invitations are soooo adorable.

for her gift i decided to make a "love kit", i brought a cute box with these simply adorable colors (brown and hot pink and white) with a top, a bottle of champagne ($10), two champage glasses with "Jones" engraved on them ($0.99 cent store and the swapmeet around the corner), a massage lotion($6), a box of chocolates ($3), ky- his and hers ($6), a classy lingerie dress with matching undies($11 walmart....i brought myself the same one for vh1 and he LOOOOVVVVVEEEEDDDD it...matter fact i might pull that on out again), a "lover's CD ($1- made it myself...it has the sweetest thing by lauryn hill...say yes by floetry, Whenever whatever by maxwell and 8 other of my most favorite bump and grind songs) and the book "Like the singing coming off of the Drums: Love Poems" by Sonia Sanchez ($5) Amazon books (two of the poems used in the movie love jones are from this book) and a picture of us at our jr high homecoming with her hair her looking super fly...

tell me that this gift didn't take time and consideration and research! lol

I was going to buy condoms....but do married people use condoms? I wouldn't think so.... anyhoo..

All the shopping brought up so many memories of my friendship with her...like taking our first HIV test together and me teaching her to drive...even though she's a backwards lefty and her giving me her left over graduation invitations because I couldn't afford my own, our crazy converstations in our high pitched voices and letters to each other our first year in college, being in this Cedric Ceballos music video made at his house for his two minute rap career....even though it was never released...i should check youtube for it..... gees I love her.

i love seeing people in love. its an event to be admired and truely treasured. i am sooo happy for my girl ambo.

she's always been the good girl. always. going to school everyday, getting a 4.2 average, going to berkley getting her degree and her masters, working for the govenor....i mean seriously my homegirl has it going on. i am so happy for her....and i cannot wait to see her saturday. i also get to see faces of folks i haven't seen in 10 years....trip that?!

well that that that that's allllll folks!

Cruising in my 64...

2009-01-22T10:38:00.001-08:00

Last night, I came home and my kitchen was cleaned... dishes washed, floor mopped, trash taking out...Then my bedroom my bed was made pillows all perfectly placed.
Next to my bed was a glass of wine and a flower.....

I love my boyfriend.

Oh yeah...this is post number 401!!! Can you believe it?

I love My President.

2009-01-21T11:35:00.000-08:00

Last night, as I watched My handsome President and his beautiful wife dancing gracefully across the stage my eyes filled with tears. I felt/feel so honored and proud of my country. It was truly an event to remember. This was a large step for America, we still have a long way to go but we are breaking down more and more barriers each day... and I Love it!!

They are such a Lovely couple. I swear I love them. They are a reflection of what a relationship could be. What love really should look and be like. Out in the open for everyone to see. He holds her hand and glides her around the world... Letting everyone know that this is his woman that he loves for better or worst. It's so real. They are real life...Like she'd check him if he were acting up.... And he’d tap her thigh to hush her up if she was talking too much... I love it. I really honestly do.

Black people need to see this. We really honestly need it. So many of us grew up with out that... without really knowing what a loving relationship between a man and a woman looks like. People do not understand this mean so much more to the black race then any other and not because we have a 1st Black President; but, because it means so much to see a REAL Family, a Family that is about Family 1st.

Jay Z and Beyonce could have a big impact too; but they want to keep it all on the down low. They could show the world how love can be, what LOVE looks like. We don't know that type of love too well... and they hide it. That to me makes other men fell like it’s ok because…well Jay Z hides Beyonce…and she’s Beyonce... I hope maybe they will be more Vocal about it cause she was on Ellen in tears about her man that’s the Beyonce I want to see...

Back to Barrack. This man knows his wife and he knows that she stood by his side through all this cause she saw his dream. This shows Black Men that (or needs to show them) when we Black Women feel loved and appreciated then we will stay down and do what needs to be done. Black Men love to say we are not down for them... but this was a case that proved so many ideologies to be wrong. Love me and Appreciate me and know I will be here but do not use, abuse or mistreat me... Look at Will and Jada and he loves his wife too and will compliment her in front of the world ...

I think this is one of my favorite things about VH1… I’m number one all day everyday. He has no problem stepping up to hold my hand or glide me around the world….

Well enough of my soap box, I hope this makes sense...I'm like off of three cups of crackcoffee and just so excited about My President.

Only this song could express how I feel right now.

2009-01-13T17:57:00.000-08:00

Yeah, just like thatAh-ha-ha-ha
(Ooh, ooh, ooh)Ooh...hoo...hoo...(Ooh, ooh, ooh)Yeah, yeah
When I'm with you, I hear a sound
That makes me laugh and smile and sing to you
When I'm with you, I feel so free
I love that love is going to take control of me
When I'm with you
It's for real (It's for real)
What I feel (What I feel)
When I'm with you (You), uh-huh

When I'm with you, I wonder why
People do stop and stare and smile at us
When I'm with you, the sun shines my way
Baby, our love reflects its rays of light on everyone in the world
When I'm with you
It's for real (It's for real)
What I feel (What I feel)
When I'm with you (You), Hey, hey, hey

Uh-huh (Special touch, a warm embrace)
A sweet and tender, your smile, whoa
Body warm my heart, so pure
Chills when I look, look in your eyes

I wonder why
People (Do stop) and stare (And stare and smile at us) and smile at us
When I'm with you, the sun shines my way
Baby, our love reflects its rays of light on everyone in the world
When I'm with youIt's for real (It's for real)
What I feel (What I feel)When I'm with you (You), you, hey, hey, hey
Oh, girl
I love you, baby
Ye-ye-ye-yes, I do
Ye-ye-ye-yes, I do
I'd give the world to you, baby
Oh...whoa...oh, yeah

When I'm with you, whoa...baby
It's for real (It's for real)
What I feel (What I feel)
When I'm with you (You), yeah, yeah, yeah, hey

Everything, everything's alright
When I'm with youIt's for real (It's for real, what I feel)
What I feel (You're heavy on my mind)
It's okay (It's okay, gonna pray)
Every day (Every day)
It's so nice (So nice), so right now (So right)
When I'm with you (You), nobody but you
Honey, I love you, yeah, ooh

I got my ride back, Yo!

2008-12-29T15:33:00.000-08:00

I went to court this morning for two tickets. I ended up only havingto pay for one ticket. The other ticket was for registration for a car that I no longer own and I currently have car insurance so he dismissed both of those cases. I have to pay $381 for the other ticket...but I have until March 30th... whohoo! so any body want to make donations to my cause please do so...lol

After court I went to the sheriff department to ask what would I need to have my car released.

There was this sexy ass Sheriff at the help desk...I wanted to put my tongue in his mouth... We were both feeling each other...so much to the point we were just standing there starring at each other for like 30 seconds... just cheeesing! lol...

Long story he let me get my car early!!!
Yeppie!

I got in my car and realized that it is FILTHY! nasty dirty... I am disgusted with the inside of my own car. I will treat old red to a interior detailing.....I think she needs new carpet too...but I don't know how much that expense is really worth...so I think I'll stick to some new rugs and seat covers....
And here's a question....how do I get my rims all shiny again? Is there a place that'll steam clean them or something?

I'm happy you're happy we're all happy happy.

My 2008 in Review...

2008-12-23T12:06:00.000-08:00

Stole this from Journey! http://routesiman.blogspot.com/2008/12/2008-review.html

1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?
????

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Yes. Reinstated my driver's license and got a checking account.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Bigsis and Sonystudios

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No...thank God.

5. What countries did you visit?
None.

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
financial and emotional stability.

7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Sunday, May 17th

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Reinstating my drivers license.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Having my car impounded for 30 days.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Other than colds nope!

11. What was the best thing you bought?
none stick out the most...

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
The American people voting for President Obama

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Stace and her financial and relationship failures. silly girl.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Bills, clothes....legal fees.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
being in love

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
Heaven Sent- Keisha Cole

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:- i. happier or sadder?
a lot happier-

ii. thinner or fatter?
fatter

iii. richer or poorer? richer

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
saved money...

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
procrasting

20. Did you fall in love in 2008?
YES

21. How many one-night stands?
none.

22. What was your favorite TV program?
The Atl women, Forensic files, Snapped, Blush, the stupid Love and Chance girls and now Momma's boys.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
I still hate all the same people..

24. What was the best book you read?
Dot in the Universe....completely insane book... First time I read something so strange.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
um...Jazmine Sullivan

26. What did you want and get?
A great guy

27. What did you want and not get?
A new car.

28. What were your favorite films of this year?
That scary rabies in the apartment movie that Vh1 and I went to see...the shit was terrifying. Oh yeah and Step Brothers.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
27, I had a BIG party the month before.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Having more money.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
laid back casual, professional.

32. What kept you sane?
my meds...no just kidding... um vh1 and my daughter MY

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
"fancy" means what? crush? Barack Obama....if "fancy" means adore? Michelle Obama don't know

34. What political issue stirred you the most?
The Election

35. Whom did you miss?
My mommy

36. Who was the best new person(s) you met?
Vh1, every one else I already knew.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008: Say what you feel when you feel it...life is too short to wait until later.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: "To Survive is to stay alive in the face of opposition. Even when they commin gunnin I stand position" Lauryn Hill Forgive them Father

the ruler's back.

2008-12-22T11:49:00.000-08:00

About a year ago I was telling myself that I will prolly never find someone that I loved.
Really loved. Someone that I had a serious one on one connection with.
Now that I feel this way...there's so many other worries that I have.

Never, do I feel the possiblity of infedility (is that the proper spelling?) from him or even that he will let me down...

but what if I let him down?

I'm so complicated...you know that song by Robin Thicke?

sigh...

just my thoughts, man just my thoughts.

SURPRISE

2008-12-17T16:19:00.001-08:00

My mommy came here and surprised me at work!!!

little black ninja continued...

2008-12-17T13:29:00.000-08:00

#1. my aunt is suposed to watch my daughter for me while she's on winter break. so she calls me yesterday to tell me that she's going to come to my house from the desert on Thursday (like 1.5hours away) to pick up MY. (which is completely plausible....my aunt would do that for me...)but it's snowing in the desert and raining down here in LA county...my aunt has MS and has issues with one of her eyeballs which usually she avoids driving for no reason especially in bad weather.

#2. my aunt then askes me if I have a spare key...why? i don't know.

#3. my aunt just calls me a minute ago and says "What's your work address?" I say "why?" she says "Because I'm going to come to your work and get your keys and spend the night tonight." I say "Ok, Thank you for asking." She says "Ok well I'll be there in like two and a half hours...I say ok."

#4 my mom calls me while I'm on the phone with my aunt. I don't answer.

#5 when i call my mom back she tells me that she she was actually trying to call my aunt. she'd dialed me by accident. i tell her that i was just on the phone with my aunt. she then says...oh, ok where is she...I say she was at home. my mom cops an attitude and says "WHAT? Let me call her!" then hangs up.

hmmmmmm

little black ninjas...

2008-12-16T09:21:00.000-08:00

Initially, my mom had planned on coming out here from Florida for Christmas; becausemy mom had surgery about three weeks ago she told me that she wasn't coming, since she isn't healing very quickly.

When she told me that she wasn't coming I felt an extreme rush of depression. I haven't seen my mom since....since October 2007. So, I was really looking foward to getting to see her.

But then this crap happened with my car, so I was focusing on that but now that I'm in a car and mobile and have a little stability it makes me think back on the fact that I miss my mommy and I need to see her face to know if she's really ok.

All these thoughts were rushing throw my mind when a rather curious thing happened the other day....

I was on the phone with my mom and Vh1 was in the background. Mom asked to speak to him... (first time in 8 months.) Then he gets on the phone and they start talking then he goes in the other room. SUSPICIOUS!!! what they got to talk about?

Then when I invited him to my families dinner on Saturday, he didn't have any objections...

What they up to? What's all the secrecy about? hmmmmmm maybe my mom really is coming!!!! YEPPIE!!!

fortunately...unfortunately.

2008-12-15T11:22:00.000-08:00

fortunately, i am completely legal. i have a driver's license and car insurance.
unfortunately, i still don't have my car.

fortunately, i have great friends like kinkos who came to get me take me to my other home girls birthday party at this kareokee bar on friday night (gees that was SOOOO fun...)
unfortunately, i got so drunk that i was throwing up alll saturday morning.

fortunately, kinkos spent the night, so she took me to the rental car place in the morning of saturday.
unfortunately, the first rental car place (the cheapest) would not let me rent a car because I didn't have a major credit card, only a debit card...bollocks!

fortunately, kinkos took me to the dollar car rental and i got a car there.
unfortunately, it was $20 more per week.

fortunately, i was able to go get some food and a few christmas items
unfortunately, i was lazy and didn't get my christmas tree yesterday and today it's raining.

fortunately, i convinced vh1 to go with me to my families christmas party on saturday.
unfortunately, they're all crazy so they may run him off! lol

fortunately, i found the cutest red dress EVERY to wear to my christmas parties this year (yeah ....I just wear the same dress to all...since they're with completely different people!!!)
unfortunately, I haven't found anything for my daughter to wear yet.

fortunately, i have a great guy who loves me, a daughter who is an awesome super star in training, a huge apartment with a garage, a family that has thier own issues...but knows how to pull it together when things are tough, a job that pays the bills and leaves me with money left over to save, i have great health....in the middle of my madness... there is a little peace and silence to help me maintain my sanity....praise God for that.

good day.

2008-12-11T17:10:00.000-08:00

so today i rode the bus to another court to get another abstract for another infratcion. then i went to the dmv paid the reinstatment fee....

I am officially a licensed driver for the first time in YEARS!!!!

shhh....I think I hear something...It's people loving me!

99 things I've done (mine are bold)

2008-12-09T11:34:00.000-08:00

Stole this from Moody Gemini

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland/world
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb--- I hugged one at the zoo, does that count?
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen an eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run...please I am afraid the ball will hit me...
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied...I make it now...if I could pay these bills off.
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal in a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling-Catalina Island.
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie - I was an extra in the movie A.I., the scene where they say "kill the boy!" I was in the addience. I got hazarad pay because they used smoke.
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Gotten flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma Only once, I passed out afterwards.
65. Gone sky diving-Vh1 and I are going to the indoor one at Universal Stuidos City Walk next month, it's part of what I brought him for Christmas.
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy - His name is Bearbear.
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job- Does just never going back qualify?
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book.. I'm a published poet though...
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper I was one of the LAtimes top 100 kids.
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee

baby girl on her birtday...she's why i wake up everyday.

2008-12-08T12:20:00.000-08:00

Bollocks!!!!

2008-12-08T10:36:00.000-08:00

A lot of stuff has been going on. So much that I have completely neglected my blog.

my daughter turned 6. i threw her a birthday party. jumper with a slide, cupcakes, gifts and subway sandwiches.

My's actual birthday is dec 1 so, I took cupcakes and punch to her classroom. i took her out to lunch to the resturant friday's. they sang to her. her dad's girlfriend works there so she brought her a giant sundae. my mom put $60 in my account to take her to get her toes and fingers done. we went together and got mani's and pedi's. she felt like a princess. i was glad.

tuesday dec2, i went to get some jack in the box for lunch.... i had a craving for a burger. i turned legally from the jack in the box and was pulled over. i was surprised...why was he pulling me over? he said i turned across the double yellow lines...i explained that i hadn't and that he was mistaken. he walked back to where i'd turned from and said...you're right. you did turn properly. he then asked for my license , registration and insurance. why? because he's a sheriff... and that's how they roll. sadly, i only had 1 out of the 3 things he asked for. i didn't admit to anything. pretended like i had no idea that my license was suspended. he asked me to get out the car, leave my belongings there and to get into the back of his car. i wanted to cry. i could have if i would have let myself stay in my body....i left my self and pretended that i was somewhere else. i got into the back of the police car(my insides were shaking...) he said I had a warrant for my arrest and that he could take me to jail. ....I sighed. he said he wouldn't take me to jail. but he would impound my car with a 30 day hold (in cali, if you're driving without a license they impound you for 30 days.)..... he left me there standing and had my car towed away....I was on the phone wit vh1 crying big time as my car passed me by.

so i don't have a car until January 1st.
i have to humble myslef and be kind to my co-workers that i normally can't stand....they offered to give me rides to and from work. it's so hard having to accept something that you need from people that normally treat you like shit.

vh1 just sold his car, like two weeks ago. so we're both out of luck. he wanted to get rid of the gangsta burgandy with gold trim Cutlass and buy a grown up car...lol....damn I wish he would've kept the Cutlass one more month!

He offered to rent me a car for a couple of weeks. i think i will end up doing that for the last few weeks of the month.

i surrendered myself on friday december 5th to the LA superiour Court. I plead guilty for my failure to appear in court. and the judge sentenced me to pay $1451 total for failing to appear, driving with out a license and without inurance. that was just for my case in 2004. i still have to go to court on two other tickets from 2006 and 2005. plus another date for getting pulled over on the 2nd....so sad. but at least i'm getting it taken care of.

i left there and went to inglewood court house...i set up a date for my ticket there and i got an abstract. then i went to the inglewood dmv and paid $55 to have my license reinstated.

so i have a license....but I don't have my damn car.

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on other news....
vh1 and i had an "accident" the other day. not a car accident....an oops... there's a baby inside your body...type of an accident. we are EXTREMELY cautious. I mean extremely extremely cautious. i take bcp and we always use condoms. I haven't gotten a refill in two weeks....and we had an "accident"on Friday. nothing like hearing latex pop to kill the mood...right?! gees....louise when things go crazy for me they really go crazy. so we brought some plan b (actually it's covered by my health insurance)... i took it saturday. that crap made me vomit excessively. how the hell is that suposed to prevent pregnancy? any hoo....so yall pray i ain't telling you about my missing period in about two months.

vh1 and i talked about possibly maybe having a slight possiblity of maybe sorta kinda moving in together.... it's only been 8 months...so we're just talking about it.... we exchanged keys... ..that was scarey enough. but having him there everyday would be great. seeing his face when i wake up in the morning....sigh..... and having someone to share this $1100 rent with ...would be fanstisc-o! we're just in the discussing it phase...

what else...oh my mom's doing good. her surgery went well. they wont be able to come to Cali until January...we're all susposed to go on a family vacation. Whoho! My step dad is thinking Cancun or somewhere like that... like a cruise.

I've only brought one item for christmas so far. maybe i'll get someone to give me a ride next week. or I'll hop on the bus... i freaking hate the bus.

my aunt is suposed to take me to get a tree so that'll help usher in the christmas feeling...wont it?

my stomach is still upset.... from the damn plan b....i swear this shit is making me yak up the lining of my stomach....NEVER AGAIN!

my hair looks AWESOME today.

ok that's enough....love ya!

Smells Like Teen Spirit.

2008-11-25T15:36:00.000-08:00

"When the lights out, it's less dangerous
Here we are now, entertain us
I feel stupid and contagious
Here we are now, entertain us...."

...who didn't love that song? As hard as the lyrics are to decipher it was still a beatin' ass song. Nirvana was an awesome group, that's no doubt

anyhoo...ain't nothing much going on with the jster lately.

i just been working and planning a birthday party for my 6 year old. gosh that pains me to know that she is six years old....she's getting so big too fast.

i brought MY a nintendo ds for her birthday, she's going to be tooo excited about it... i brought a used one from gamestop, because i wasn't too sure about her ability to keep up with it. it was half the price...so i'm happy.. i brought me one too...

vh1 and i are still going strong. i see those light brown dreamy chinese looking tight eyes and just fall in love everyday. he still makes this snorting noise that makes me want to peel his skin off in thin strips.... but he's my heart.

i swear someones out there is writing this story that im living. he does things and says things to me that i swear are scripted. case in poing: this morning we were walking to the car and i pointed at this area of the yard where i wanted MY's jumper to go i say "i wish the jumper could fit here." he looks at me, kisses my hand (which he's holding because we're crossing the street) and says "sometimes wishes come true...mine did" awwwwwwwwwww

anyhoo...it's threatening to rain outside. if you're not from cali you can't understand the media frenzy around rain outside...

i've got cramps and one of my punk a$$ co-workers just asked me if i'm pregnant. she didn't know just how close she was to getting the spit outta her. then she tries to lighten it up by saying, "you just look so pretty and refreshed today...you must be happy..." TRAMP.

my boss told me a secret today. we're getting our bonus this year based upon out commisson that we make monthly. which is good it means $2000 instead of $200...some of my other coworkers are nervous they think that because that it means we won't be getting commision anymore...that scares the crap outta me....that's the only thing that makes this juob worth it....the extra $2000!!! sigh...pray for me yall.

my mommy's surgery was today. i just spoke to her. she's doing ok... she sounded like she had just had her uterus and ovaries removed. she sounded like she was in pain.

vh1 and i will not be spending the holiday together...he's going to his moms and im going to my aunts....it's all good though. we in love in this bitch.

i am soooo hungry. i had a half of a pastrami sandwich at weinerschnitzel. ummmm. yummy ...but the other half is in the car and i'm too lazy to go get it. i gotta walk down stairs and all the way to the front of the building to my car...by the time i get back to my desk i'll have burnt off the calories from eating it.

i left off "true blood" on my list of shows that i love...that show was the bomb diggity. oh and "Blush" i love that mess, it's like america's next top model but for makeup artist.

noones going to read all this it's toooo long for my own good. so...peace out homie locs.

Black out

2008-11-18T16:38:00.000-08:00

Ok so I am an adult and I spend my entire day being a grown up doing grown up crap...so when i go home i like to watch the most ridiculous televison programing that i can. case in point:

- I watched the most hilarious episode of southpark last night...i don't know if it was new or old or what but vh1 and i laugh.... It had a character named Mr. Quermo and he was slapping every body.... oh it was so hilarious....I'm laughing right now.

-i am addicted to the dumbness that is "real chance at love". the women cry every 5 seconds. the boys are crazy, both of them... clearly they are a mess! ... what, please tell me, is going with the so called "brother"? he's like a black fairy prince or something!

- the nonesense that is the housewives of the atl... or what ever it's called....drama drama drama. i promise it's like junior high school.

-my other favorites are snapped, forensic files, anything on hgtv and tlc

tidbits

2008-11-12T15:57:00.000-08:00

- one of female coworkers who is asian and mexican says to me "jane you look bootylicious today." torn between saying 'tramp, stop trying to steal my culture' and saying 'thaaaannnnnkkkk you!" so instead. I slapped my self on the butt and said "hhheeeyyyy!"

-i have the cutest picture of vh1 and i that i soooo want to post on the blog but i promised him i wouldn't so i won't...but dang i wish i didn't decide to be so honest.

-i just signed my kid up for sylvann learning centers for reading tutoring. she needs a little extra confidence.

-how come they don't have video shows? there used to be shows that showed music videos on rotation...now we're stuck wit nonesense shows that put artist like lil wayne on a pedastal.

-nelly is one fine asssss man. um um um...i wanna put my tongue in his mouth.

- the average wholesale price for a bottle of 100 count viagra 100mg is $1563.28

-i keep having nightmares about having a baby born with no ears....what's that mean?

- this relationship with vh1 is like a Faith Evans song... i just love it

-say a little prayer for my mom she has three benign tumors....she's having surgery this week

- i need to have my kidneys checked...i have a dull pain that is there but doesn't hurt on both sides. it might be a uti but i don't need to pee, and i drink water like it's going outta style. i dunno...

-my toes are tooo cute this week.

-i met vh1's sister this weekend she is too cute. she's short and round. but it's a cute little round... her hair is in a really hip bob.. and she has the prettiest little face....wierdest thing is she's dark skin... like the same color as me! i didn't expect that, even though his brother is dark skin...I just didn't expect the sister to be.... hmmmm

- my nails are alwyas dirty. help!

- my scalp is sooo dry it's dumb.

-doesnt' president obama and his family make you hace faith in the american family as a unit again?

outie 5000

my mental stability is sometimes based on how often i get some.

2008-11-11T12:54:00.000-08:00

last week i was all over the place. i was the emotional rollercoaster also known as myself.

I had an attitude and i was irritable.
i had taken my ugly aunt jaminma rag off my head and let my hair, wavy from being tied up the wrong way, hang down on to my shoulders, I didn't have on any makeup... I only had on chapstick and water from the shower. I had on a tourquoise lounge dress and hello kitty houseshoes.

I was walking from the bathroom back into my room, when he finally realized what the problem was...

he pushed me up against the bedroom door, kissed my lips sofly and passiontely. he took time and special attention to each lip. massaging each lip with his lips. he explored my mouth with his tongue intimately. all the while touching my lanscape delicately.

he began to work his way down my face and neck...he stopped and with intention and focus ti discover my breast.

after marking his territory on my precious nipples he slowly self worked his way further and further down until my legs wrapped perfectly around his neck...lifting me off of the ground my legs hanging from his shoulders........sigh he reminded me of one of the reasons why i love him.

i'm in a great mood today....yeetidee!

my little peice of american history.

2008-11-05T10:48:00.000-08:00

studios called me around 4 in the afternoon, to tell me to come over after work for wine and to watch the results of the election come in. i told her i'd be by around 630.

afterwork, i went to my fathers to pick up my daughter. he and his family (his wife and stepdaughter) were gathered around thier flat screen in the living room, drinking cocoa out of mugs with tiny floating marshmellows on top, bundled up in blankets on thier beige colored leather sofas. i flashed a big smile at the number 103....He's winning, I thought.

once i got to studos she and t2 were pacing the livingroom waiting for results. i couldn't hide my excitement at the number 207.

t2 asked us to go get pizza while he watched the kids.

we stopped to get our free starbucks and ran into a jabber jawed possible crackhead former classmate that held us up for about 10 minutes. we continuted on to get pizza.

studios and i stood in line at the $5 dollar pizza place, when my cellphone rang. it was vh1.
"babe! it's happening. your boy he did it!"
"What do you mean?! What's the numbers?!"
"he's at 297.."
"What...what's the number..."
"babe...it's 297"
"what?!"
"I'm telling you, I'm watching election central...297!"

I tell studios, "he's at 297!"

A Hispanic customer came into the pizza place and said "Obama is our new president!!" His eyes were red.

Studios yells out, "Oh my GOD!" Her eyes filled with tears.
She ran outside the $5 pizza place and screamed! She jumped up and down screaming...tears running down her cheeks.

People driving down La Brea Ave started blowing thier car horns and waving their arms out the car windows, people were yelling. the little kids in a car next to ours began yelling "OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA!"

it wasn't real.

tears just ran down my cheeks. id hung up on vh1 by mistake with all the excitement.
my sister called.... "Jane. It's like I really have hope. Like real hope..." Tears continuted.
my mother called whispering "Jane...I am so excited...I'm not finishing counting ballots...we can't be biased in the elections office...but I had to call you and let you know how happy I am!" more tears.

vh1 called again "where areyou?!!!"
"getting pizza still."
"call me when you get home..."

studios and i grab the pizza and hop in the car. we take the long way home wanting to see the faces of folks. people were legitmately happy. horns blowing jummping arms waving.

we got back to studios apartment, t2 was sitting in "his chair" staring at the tv. he didn't even really acknowledge us when we walked in. "this isn't real" he says finally.

studios and I turn on Michael Basdin and begin dancing and screaming out from her terrace.

vh1 comes by. He grabs me and kisses me. we swear it's new years eve. he tells me "i had to be with you. i had to spend this momment with you. that way forever when we think about this momment we'll think about each other." more tears.

vh1 and t2 went out on the terrace. they had guy things to discuss. studios and i could tell by the looks on their faces this was something big to them. they both looked blown away. this was t2's first election he actually participated in. he told me he felt proud to be an american. more tears.

this is a beautiful momment for americans. not black americans, american people.

we are living in historical momment. not just reading about it.... folks are motivated. ready to do shit. ready to sign up for a new american experience . ready to actually be apart of it.

It ain't gon change tommorrow. he's not "super obama" but i really believe he is a move in the direction of "super america"

did you know?

2008-11-04T12:35:00.000-08:00

* that when barak is elected president, there will not be any other black members in the senate.

* women have only had the right to vote since 1920 (88 years)

* blacks have official been able to vote since 1965 (43 years)

*John McCain's great grandfather actually owned a plantation full of slaves and kept them on as sharecroppers even after the civil war

2008-11-03T14:32:00.000-08:00

i haven't really haven't wrote a real post in a long time.

I am voting for Mr. Barack Obama.

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I had a halloween party/surprise birthday party for two of my friends on Halloween. it was cracking as usual like my parties are... it was over at about 5 am.

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I was a prom queen. Vh1 wore a t-shirt that looked like a suit and a burger king crown and he was the prom king.

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Vh1 are back in full swing. it was shakey for a minute but i realized early this morning, as he rubbed my ear after my horrible nightmare, that I am head over heels in love with this man.

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I dreamed that a man was trying to kill me. he chased me. then he stabbed me several times. I died and he stuffed me in a rubbermaid tub and put me in his trunk. I woke up crying. I went back to sleep dreaming about getting married to vh1 and the man came and killed me, stabbed, stuffed in rubbermaid tub and put me in his trunk. I woke up crying for the second time. I went back to sleep dreaming or sorta remembering having dinner with vh1. I went to the bathrooma nd this man killed me for the third time. stabbed me, stuffed me in a rubbermaid tub and put me in his trunk. I was terrified to go back to sleep. I just laid on vh1's chest looking at the black tv.

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Crazyc is still shaking hate all over the game.

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I talked to my mom last night, she lives in florida. She sounded like super excited. it was realllly odd.

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My daugther and I went to the Backyardagains Live this weekend. if you're a mom you know what it is. well anyways. i got the tickets for free. but the seats were we sat were $60 tickets the damn show was only one hour and had a 20 minute break!!!

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vh1 and i went to red lobster on saturday night. we had all you can eat shrimp. WE had the BEST server in the world. his name was Vegas. a white boy wit cornrolls ....awesome waiter.

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I love this vampire show that comes on HBO...

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stace, my friend sorta kinda. is mad at me because my daughter couldn't come to her daughters slumber party because she was having an asthma attack. She basically cancelled her own kids party because my kid couldn't come and now is upset with me...BITCH! kMA!

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vh1 and my homeboy UncleB became really good friends at the halloween party. I'm glad, cause Uncle B's kids love coming by my house. they haven't really lately cause I've been debating how vh1 might feel about our relationship...ya know?

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I need to put transmission fluid in my car this evening.

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I'm wearing a red jacket double breasted jacket today a black knee length dress and knee high black boots. Vh1 says I look like a catalog model.

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I'm done...for now.

Weekend in Review

2008-10-27T11:27:00.000-07:00

Friday: Nada.

Saturday: shopping for the Halloween Party.

Sunday: went to lunch with the gals. one of my bestfriends announced she's getting married! yeeppiiieee.... she told me to be ready for some ugly dresses, talking about we ain't gon be upstaging her....hummmmm....

Sunday afternoon: went to old navy, with the gals.

Sunday late evening: vh1, sonystudios, kinkos, campaign, sonystudios finace and his friend all came over and we drank LOTS of wine and talked real loud... what fun!

broken down palace

2008-10-24T17:30:00.000-07:00

vh1 and i had the biggest fight in the history of us. i've been a mess the last few days.

I don't want to go into the details...since i'm still oso emotional about it... (and I'm lazy) but the main idea of the arguement was : trust, commitment and our future. LOL ...a lot right?

IT WAS not me this time. It was him.

He asked me a question, untactfully. Extremely. It offended me. I let him know. He got mad and left. It was 3 in the morning. He'd been dropped off (so he didn't have his car). He went somewhere.... I don't know but it took him an hour to get there because he called me.

We talked. An hour passed. Nothing was settled.

I didn't sleep.

The next day(Thursday) I was SOOOOO sleepy. I could barely make it threw the day.

He called me mid day. Profusing his love. I was still a little angry. But I excepted.

Thursday night, we talked more....over the phone. I don't think he believed me

We're ok...but it was a bit bumpy there....sigh....

now we can get back to baking cookies togethter....

grumble grumble

2008-10-20T14:55:00.000-07:00

Friday morning my boss cussed me out, literally. I was in tears.

#1 She said that I hadn't sold any of this new generic drug called Galantamine HBr ER . It's for Alzhiemers.

#2 She bitched that I was on the internet when she walked by a couple of times.

#3 She bitched that my sales were low.

#4 She complained that I speak too loud.

#5 She said she was pissed that I only made 100 calls and answered 80.

******My Rebuttal******

#1a. No one uses brand name Razadyme why are the going to buy the generic?
Out of 8 people one rep sold 2 bottles!!!!

#2b. I was on the internet...my bad...matter of fact, I'm on the internet now. The thing is I can mulitask like nobodies business.... sorry to say it but I'm bored!!!
Pharmacies aren't spending $ right now. They are afraid to buy surplus in the economy that we are in. I will try to work on my internet use here at work or at least wait until she goes home at 4pm.

#3c. EVERYONES sales are low. duh! have you watched the news?! And the cold and flu season is starting uber late this year! should've started in September and yet we haven't had any major outbreaks of flu or cold!!! But she doesn't care... she prolly won't even mention that I'm at 73% of my average monthly total (with two weeks remaining in the month) which is 29thousand dollars more than my sales last month at this time and higher than any other rep!
I'm the black girl so that means I gets yelled at!

#4d. Yep. I speak too loud. Mind you, I am not friends with any of my co-workers. I barely like them...so anytime she hears me speaking it's to a customer....yet she tells me that she never hears me promoting sales... What!!! Sales are a $1 to $5 comission on each product! Of course I tell everyone EVEN the ones that are not my customers!!! WE need that extra $ in our pockets these days! How she think I earned that $1000 commission on one product? any hoo... I laughed at a customer and she says "Jane. you're too loud." I gave her KMA face and kept it pushing! I'm learning to hate her.

#5e. I only made 100 calls because I only have 80 accounts!!! what the hell!!! I answer 80 calls which is three times as much as anyone else here EVER answers ...on ANY given day! She doesnt' say a thing to homeboy who is blatantly working on his resume and talking to his wife. She doesn't say a peep to the other guy who is slanging any and everything over the phone to whoever he can (not work related)! gesssshhhh

Pray for me yall....Friday I had to plead with myself not to bitch slap her....
SIGH.... (yeah I talked to HR for the inappropriate language)

my weekend in review.

2008-10-20T14:45:00.000-07:00

friday- my daughter and i had a date. we ordered pizza and watched Mrs. Doubtfire. We had a good time.

Saturday- i took My to get her halloween costume...she's going to be a fairy princess. and i got mine...i was going to be diana ross....then I changed to a ballerina ....now I am going to be a prom queen....trying to decide if I want to be a dead prom queen or not...hummm.

Saturday night- BigSis, her kids (all four hundred of them now! lol she has 2 boys on her own, her fiance has a daughter now they have another daughter together) and her fiance and my make-shift family: vh1, MY and I all went to eat at this all you can eat chinese food resturant.

Sunday- I waited until 4 pm to decide to go to the laundry. when i pulled the car out the garage i had a flat tire. I went and put air, but by the time I got out of washing the tire was low again. so we ordered pizza and called it a night.

This morning they repaired my tire...

the male fish named charolette.

2008-10-16T10:23:00.001-07:00

Our fish died Tuesday. I kept having a feeling that the fish was going to die. Something just kept nagging at me about it.

When I would go to wake MY up in the mornings, I would check that the fish was alive first and then wake her. Well Tuesday the damn thing was dead.

It ate itself to death. I guess it couldn't deal with the confusion about it's sexual idenity.

Well I didn't point it out to MY, I didn't want her to have a bad day at school.

When I came back from dropping her off, Vh1 and I flushed it down the toilet.

I decided I didn't want to lie to her and get another one.

I told Vh1 I'd tell her her fish went to heaven.
He sighed and said...don't do that. He shook his head at me (I sensed a condesending attitude) You shouldn't tell her that her fish went to heaven because fish don't go to heaven.
***I paused.Thought to myself, well were the hell do they go?
He continued. Fish don't go to heaven because they don't have souls. He said, tell her Charolette went to a better place.

What place would that be then? Animal afterlife?

***ON ANOTHER NOTE***

my daughter's father's mother is dying.

she is a chronic alcoholic.
she has a failing heart.
her liver is severly decayed.

she needs a heart transplant. they don't give heart transplants to alcoholics.

she's going to die.

why is it that i only have a small..very small amount of empathy for her?
am i becoming a hard rock (when i really am a gem...shot out to lauryn hill)?

i should feel something. i should feel sad. i should be solem.

i didn't blink at the sight of her oxygen mask and tank...what is wrong with me?
i light-weight forgot to even ask how she was doing when i got to her house...am i that impolite?
i never ask my bbd how she is...do i even care?

i don't feel sad.
i have no empathy for her at all.
i mostly regret that my daughter will have to know her grandmother passed away (i will not take my 5 year old to a funeral).
i have no emotion as it relates to it.

gotta get it out.

2008-10-15T14:42:00.000-07:00

I've never really spoke about the relationship between my mother and I. Mainly because mother daughter relationships are entirely too complicated. Our relationship is thusly, compounded with I (and many others) believe is a chemical imbalance.

When I think of my childhood before the age of 11. I remember so many momments of not smiling. Of not being happy. Of being alone. Of being scared. Of being hungry.

I mean, I had my share of good things...but the majority of my young life was ROUGH.
Not rough in a my-mothers-on-drugs-no-job-living-with-20-family-members-in-one-house-on-food-stamps (well for about 6 months)-type ROUGH. (Vh1 says that because I didn't have these type of issues it wasn't "rough")but ROUGH indeed.

Rough like a stepfather that hit us (my mother and I),
rough like my mother dragging me across the country while she chased after so called love, rough like being left home alone because she had to work,
rough like not having livingroom furniture,
rough like knowing things that I'm not supposed to tell,
rough like living in a woman's shelter for a month,
rough like living with my mother's co-workers for another month,
rough like never going to an elementary school for an entire year,
rough like being sent off to family members for weeks at a time,
rough like wondering when she'll come get me.
rough like wonder why my love wasn't enough to make her stay in one place
rough like having so many step dad's
rough like not having anyone to follow
rough like never feeling safe,

When I turned 11, we moved back to Cali, she met Larry and the "french roll" hair style became a big deal and for me LIFE CHANGED.

She could french roll better than anyone and so...her customer base grew, $1000 a week, we moved into a house, she brought a car. LIFE CHANGED. With Larry her spirit changed. She became someone new. Her light began to shine.

It's like she realized that I was there. She saw me. For so long she treated me like I didn't exist. And suddenly when I turned 11 I did. I became a real person to her. She began to talk to me, not at me. LIFE CHANGED.

What I've learned is that I don't have to be like her.
My daughter will remember a mother that played with her on the beach and read scary stories under her blanket with a flashlight, got her toes done together, ate ice cream and walked the mall, let her "swim" in the tub, let her play in the rain, let her decorate the tree any way she wanted (until company came), watched cartoons with her, talked to her about boys. a mother that look her in the face when she talks to her, a mother who held her hand and hugged her and kissed her everyday.

I've learned to not compare myself to her. I've learned that I am Jane, not Jane's mother's daughter. I have my own destiny and purpose and I do not have to be a product.
"I don't want to be a product of my environment. I want my environment to be a product of me."

Slick Talk.

2008-10-15T14:35:00.000-07:00

I say "I felt like you didn't want me."
He says, "Of course I want you. And I'll want you tommorrow, and the next day and the next day and the day after that."

I say, "Stop picking at me"
He says, "I'm not picking at you. I just want to make sure there's nothing that would distract others from seeing how beautiful you are."

I say, "what were you thinking about."
He says, "Your dark eyes, your soft lips and how your neck smells."

I say, "if feels weird being here without you."
He says, "don't worry I'll be there soon."

I say, "You're really wonderful."
He says, "Only when I'm with you."

I say " I still have so much to do today."
He says, "don't worry I got your back"

Ryan's Roses.

2008-10-15T10:04:00.000-07:00

I dont' know it there's a Ryan Seacrest Radio Morning show any where other than Cali...but I dabble in listening to it every now and then.... Yes...Ryan Seacrest from American Idol...I know he's a cornball but on the radio he is funny...sometimes... I flucuate between him and four other shows in the morning depending on how I 'm feeling.

Well he has this segment, he calls "Ryan's Roses". Where if you think your boyfriend is cheating on you, he will the boyfriend or husband or girlfriend or significant other and pretend to be a new flower company in the area and then offers him a free dozen roses, no strings attached. Then he waits to see who he send it to and what the boyfriend puts on the note.

This morning a girl called in. She said she was 5 months pregnant, been with the guy a year and every since she got pregnant, he's been working late, not wanting to touch her, and treating her like she was the hunchback of Notre Dame.

So Ryan had the chic that does the segment call the guy. Of Course, the man sent roses to another woman and wrote on the card "I've never been happier with you than anyone in my life"

Usually, the calls are pretty predictable...I mean women, we know when somethings just not right.

But this morning I felt so sad for the girl.

After the call they let the two people talk it out over the air...But the guy would face up to it...he tried to say the chic was his "friend". The girl started yelling and telling all her business on the radio "I pay your bills, take care of your other kids, I do everything for you!"
She cried so openly and pasionately for this man. It really hurt my heart. She was in pieces.
It was so heartbreaking. So many people called in expressing thier concern....

The guy just keep denying it. Finally Ryan Seacrest went OFF... It was so funny...because you just don't imagine Ryan as Manly....but he gave this dude a really smack down....

Vh1 and were in the car in a trance. We couldn't stop talking about it...

I rather a man just say "Bitch I don't want you no more...Dueces!" than to cheat on me.

Is it because he wants his cake and eat it too or is it because he just doesn't think "she" can handle it? Both options, seem extremely arrogant when you really think about it.

He either wants all the cooch he wants with no strings but feels that he needs to coax a woman into being with him by telling her the "happily ever after fairy tale".
Or he thinks that she is so weak that she couldn't survive knowing that he doesn't want to be with her anymore.

It's not just men that cheat don't get me wrong. I'm just using this as an example.

just my thoughts.

I need some IDEAS!

2008-10-14T11:03:00.000-07:00

I am throwing my very first Halloween Party.

*I'm dressing up as Diana Ross....because I'm fabulous.

* It is costume optional; However I will provide spare masks for guests that feel left out.

*I have brought colored lights and black lights.

*I brought a few tea candles (to be placed out of harms way).

*I brought some spider web.

*I'm going to get some various size pumpkins.

*I'm going to cover my living room furniture with white sheets, for that abandoned feeling...

*I want to order this cake at this awesome bakery by me that does the weirdest things with cakes, It looks like a head....we'll see...it might end up just being cupcakes.

*I'm making black berry jello shots.

*The punch will have tonic water so that the black light makes it glow.

*Vh1 is making rice beans and chicken, a fruit salad and a regular salad.I'm doing the regular finger snacks... cocktail weiners, chips dip, crackers cheese, popcorn, pretzels, veggies..

Any other IDEAS?!?!?!

frustration.

2008-10-13T09:30:00.000-07:00

situation #1
around wednesday my friend Stace called me and asked me to go with her to a 70's party for her sister on saturday night. i was on the fence about it since i'm supposed to be ending my toxic friendship with her. I had given her a tenative yes.

vh1 invited me to go with him to a party that his friend was having on saturday night. i agreed to go. i called stace and told her i couldn't go, she said 'cool let her know if i change my mind.'

after my friends babyshower on saturday, vh1 and i were to meet up and go to the party. when i get to his house he says to me "so what you want to do?" I say "what do you mean?" he says "let's go to the movies."

I was soooo irritated. How you gone change the plans and not even let me know?!
He on the other hand couldn't figure out why I was so mad.
He says 'I thought it was about spending time with you not going to the party.'

What yall think?

situation#2
I was over studios house on sunday, sitting on the couch with vh1. Martinez (my sumadatime friend) came in. she sees me on the couch. I get up to hug her and she whispers in my ear "Are you pregnant?" I look at her like WTF! I look down at myself...looking very cute. No belly sticking out, no fat fat girl on Sunday. she says "I just htought you were."

Now was it wrong of me to cuss her out?

"Misregard" it.

2008-10-10T15:35:00.000-07:00

One of my customers always says "Mis-regard it" when I tell her an item that she wants is out of stock...I want to slap her face for saying that ignorant ass shit! And why, when I try to correct her, she gets all butt hurt...yet she continues to say it?

Any who...this got me to thinking about what else aggrevates me..

- when people say "pacific" instead of "specific".

-when someone calls me and I say "oh, I was watching a movie" and they keep talking.

- when I answer the phone here at work and I say "XYZ Drug Company, Jane speaking" and the customer says "Who am I speaking to?"

- when my customers ask me questions about things they are holding in their hands!!!

- when customers want to order drugs without the item number or ndc number or manufacturer name and they can't spell or pronounce the drug name!!!! how stupid!

- when my customers have HORRIBLE ACCENTS and they know you can't understand them but they get an attitude when you don't know what the hell they're saying.

-when customers call and just start ordering stuff... they don't even say who they are or where they calling from! I answer 200 calls a day! IDONOT KNOWYOURVOICE!

-the fact that EVERY Freaking thing I love to read (other than blogs) are ACCESS DENIED at work! I can't even check my freaking email.

-my wisdom tooth feels like I'm giving birth from my mouth.

- when people beg you to do something, and then get mad when you ask for further details...I WILL NOT blindly commit to anything ANYMORE!

-the fact that I've peed 400 times today and I have to go again.

- when people talk about video games like they're real life.

-when my jeans give me muffin top.

-the girl in the cubicle across from me plays the SAME freaking radio station and they play the SAME songs at the SAME time everyday...it drives me postal.

-When hold music is that stupid song off the ice cream truck!! OMG I swear I could hurt someone because of that stupid song!

-When my neighbors boyfriend smokes in the stair well.

-When FRIDAYs go as slow as today has gone.

"Picture us married, you and me F.U.C.K.I.N.G."

2008-10-08T10:30:00.000-07:00

* I love that song by Nas, don't you?

* I have a stupid cough that will not go away. Prolly has something to do withthe fact that it was 99 degrees one day last week and 65 degrees the next and 55 degrees the whole time here at work.

* I AM FAT! I have NOT been working out. My day started on a bad note...with not being able to fit into ANY of my pants. I felt like a fat ass. I'm going to have to buy some size 12 pants. I'm threw with life.

* My daughter got a sticker in class yesterday. So all that tough love I had to give her last week (five pops on the butt and two days with out TV) paid off.

* My sister brought my neice over on Sunday, which sparked a conversation with Vh1 about babies....I thought he and I had decided on a timeline for such things....it appears that he's been pondering things... I don't like it.

* This coffee I drank this morning has me with the shakes.

* Why has the bank not sent me a new pin for my ATM card?

* Why does Lotus notes jump to the front when I have a new email?

* My ears are ringing. I heard once that when your ear ring that that's the sound of you ear cells dying and that you will never hear that frequency again. I just read that that's an old wives tale.

* I'm sleepy...But there's really no reason for my sleepiness....go figure?

* I really am falling in love.
In a type of love that I really never thought existed for me. I really was feeling like this type of connection was not possible. But you know what blogger I am amazed everday with how much I've really grown. This is some new fangled type love. A love that has me dizzy and crazy and out of my mind and yet still so perfectly in tune. A love that I am not afraid of (For the first time). A love that I feel open and free and want everyone I know to know about. A love that I think about and appreciate all day. A love that is reciprocated.

* Vh1 made me scallops, rice&beans, and salad made of avacados, mango and nectarines for dinner last night. He fixed my plate , brought it and the phone to me and said "tell your friends!" I said "What?" he said "call your girls and tell them how I do it! They gon be jealous... They don't get it like you got it baby! You get it all day everyday"
Don't you love him?

* I need some new music!

* raising one eye brow, giving the "oh shit look*

2008-10-07T11:00:00.000-07:00

crazyc has been calling me.

at first it was flattering to me to. i thought...awwww he realizes that he lost a goood thing.

then it got to be a little frustrating because he'd choose to call me at odd times.

now he calls me...everyday.

i've tried, to be polite and suggest that we discontinue our friendship.
i've told him about vh1. i've explained that i am not intrested. i've remained firm that nothing is going to happen. i've try to be cordial.
he text me things like "whenever you two break up, maybe we could make a baby."
I 've done the cussing him out thing. I've done the ignoring the phone calls thing.

it's getting to be a problem.

vh1 is begining to question the hang up calls and the not answering the cellphone and the late night phone calls and erasing my messages quickly (yes, I have an answering machine)....Imean this behavior looks suspicious! it's what we lady's get buck wit niggas about.

he never questions me on anything i do...really cause i haven't done nothing! (very un like myself)

well this he questioned me about. SO I told him what was what.
Welll.... i told him what he needed to know. that i dated this guy off and on in my previous life and that we broke up months ago and that he won't stop calling me.

then he says, "where does he live?"
I didn't respond.
he says "If you want I could talk to him."
I say, "I got it."
he says, " you sure?"
I say, "I got it."
He says, "what does he say when he calls you?
I say, "nuthin much. I guess he's kinda lonely."
he says, "well what does he say?"
I say, "nuthing really. he's not disrespectful or anything..." (why when I spell respect I sing the song in my head first?)
he says, "I'll let you try to handle it; but when you're ready to get it solved let me know. We could have a conversation."

it made me look at him with a sharp eye....what's behind those tight-eyes that I don't know about. he smiled and then kissed me...but I didn't kiss him back.

hmmmmm...... the plot thickens....

The flip side continued...

2008-10-06T10:09:00.000-07:00

+I steal all the covers, when he's sleep.

+ I let the alarm clock ring four hundred times before I actually get up.

+I like to sleep really really close to him, almost underneath him, when we sleep.... I think he deep down inside he loves it.

+I don't like nuts. So he spent two hours making me curry chicken and I didn't like it cause it had peanut butter in it.

+I never eat leftovers...

+ we fight everytime we go to the grocery store....

+ he hates when my face looks sad, or confused, lonely, or hungry.

+ he hates when I tell him about my bi-polar boss.

+ he hates when I talk about my friend Stace. He thinks she's a waste of time and energy.

umm.....that's all I can think of that he hates...
this is what he loves...lol...of course you knew this was coming! you should know me by now!

I asked him this last night....Crossed legged in the bed while he watched "X-men" (yes, the cartoon) with reading glasses on (I don't wear them normally only when I'm writing or researching something~I'm quirky that way), my yellow legal pad and pen, my "I love geeks shirt" some boy shorts and slouch socks. (He calls this my college co-ed look). It's so funny because he answered my questions, really nonchalantely like he already knew what I was going to ask. Well here are the things he says he loves about me:

*He loves when I smile with my eyes....ladies yall know that cat eye thing we do...haha he falls for it EVERYTIME!

* he loves that I'm a girlie girl, that likes pedicures and manicures and "done" hair

* he loves (and hates)when I pretend that I can't do something, that he knows I can do but I just want him to do it...ie. the toaster oven Sunday morning, lol

*he loves when I put lotion on in front of him. Especially the Jergens body shimmer or BABY OIL (the man loves it!) If he had his wish I'd be oiled up like the movie Belly all day long!

* he loves to watch me do my makeup.

* he loves that I give him manicures and pedicures (shhhh...don't tell anyone).

* he loves when I'm happy to see or hear from him.

He didn't want to play the "why you love me" game any more....so he kissed me and told me to "go to sleep sheep"..

The flip side

2008-10-03T17:31:00.000-07:00

I wrote some posts about the things that bug me the most about vh1, here are the things that bug him the most about me:

+ my nails are always dirty.

+ i always preface my questions, like "can I ask you a question?"...

+ i don't speak of our future in the definitive, for expamle I'll say "If we're still dating in December......"

+ i never take out the trash.

+ i don't want him in the kitchen when I cook.

+ i'm addicted to caffiene

+when I wake up he has to wake up

+i talk in my sleep

+ i wear a gangsta rag to sleep

+when i pay for dinner, I always ask him does he want me to pay, before I pay.

+i have text conversations with him.

to be continued....

Thank God it's Friday!

2008-10-03T10:33:00.000-07:00

Why is everyone sleeping on this CD that Al Green came out with in May?
It is the business! I had to put it on last night after my child got my blood pressure raised last night. Talking in class and writing her name in crayon on her desk.... I wanted to stomp her out! Who she think she is? She ain't got no job....writing her name on stuff! OUTRAGEOUS!

Here I got again getting in stitches about it.

This is one of my favorite songs on that Al Green CD called "Take your time" a duet with Corrine Baily Rae....It's freeaking delicious.

Just you take your time
Ooh, just you take your time

Do you remember when
We used to take our time
You'd write me a letter baby
And I'd wait for you all night
Oh watching(?) everyone rushing around
Including you and I
I want to take a little time
Just to fall in love again
Cuz they're telling me

Just you take your time(you know I will baby)
Just you take your time

When I think about yesterday
Everything was easy
Everything was okay
Now, now, now(?)
Now everything is going fast
You're the best thing I ever had
Oh I'm losing you
Oh make me, make me, that would make me
Feel so bad
Help, would you help me say it

Just you take your time
Just you take your time
Sing low and take it slow
I'm inclined to agree
Because ain't nobody living
Can try to hurry me(Ohh)

Just you (just yeah) take your time
Just you take your time (Oh ooh)
Just you take your time (no need to hurry baby)
Just you take your time
Just you take your time (Ooh yeah, there's no rushing me baby)
Just you take your time (all the time in the world)

The Art of LOVE.

2008-10-01T13:38:00.000-07:00

Love is being able to deal with:

- the fact that he HAS to take at least ONE bite of our fast food before we get back to the house.

- the fact that he LOVES being naked. If MY is not home, then Vh1 is naked. Naked cooking, naked tv watching, naked slow dancing in the dinning room ...NAKED NAKED NAKED. well I kinda like this about him, but it takes some getting used to...

- the fact that be doesn't put anything in a wallet.

- the fact that there isn't a movie he hasn't seen.

-the fact that he refuses to buy real CD's and DVD's

- the fact that the "V" in his VIP tatooed on his neck looks like a "U"

- the fact that when his hair isn't cut (which is EXTREMELY rare, he cuts his hair twice a week...and he needs it.) he looks like a tight eyed CL Smooth.

-the fact that he cooks EVERYTHING better than me.

-the fact that he loves Hot Topics. It's his favorite store. The t-shirts he gets from there.....

-the fact that he likes to bite my cheek bones.

-the fact that he talks to MY in a British accent. Why? I don't know! But anytme he talks to her it's in a British accent....He's got her doing it now!

-the fact that he uses a new towel everytime he takes a shower.

-the fact that he uses a new glass everytime he drinks.

-the fact that he is not very technologically versed.

-the fact that one of his friends, Charmin or Camera or CarpetMunch or whatever the hell her name is wants us to be buddy buddy...KMA! I hardly like that they are friends. I can't deal with she and I being friends. Female homosexualism is so fickle I can't stand that he's friends with her...it bugs the shit out of me.

-the fact that I've never seen him in a button up shirt....oh wait once but then he spilled something on it and brought another one and I haven't seen it since.

-the fact that he is MAKING me fall in love with him. All the time I have spent pretending to be in love and he comes in and makes me feel like I sleep on fluffy clouds carried by little angel babies through the night.

2008-09-30T12:42:00.000-07:00

thursday: I had such a great day, because i knew that i'd be off on friday. late that night after vh1 went out with his dudes, he came by. he was in such a talkative mood...i thought mabe he'd drank a 5 hour energy again...the man never speaks but he had me up RUNNING OFF at the mouth until almost 3.

friday: i got up and took MY to school. then came home and passed out. we slept until about 11. then we went to get vh1's hair cut and to buy some pre-mixed water for the male fish named charolette. (yep, premixed water! I am just that lazy!)
We picked MY up from school at 2 and went to Kabuki for happy hour between 3 and 6. Once we got home I made these cute little easy bake mini-cheese cakes. MY and I put a candle in one and sang Vh1 happy birthday. He was so excited/bashful...it was adorable.
He wanted to go out to the club. I don't particularly care for his friend that he was going with. I know him from another life (yeah this world is suppppper small!, the guy that hooked me up with my current apartment...his cousin) so I choose not to go.. Vh1 was cool wit it...so cool.
I took MY to her Godparents. around 9. Then K and I went to Long Beach...for some drinking...it was cool but I ended up getting lost... I was damn near tears. I was so afraid I was going to end up on some barge on the way to China...lol!
when I finally made it home after hours of being lost. I met up with vh1 and had siroln steak breakfast burritos at 4 in the morning.

Saturday- I woke up around 11 and cleaned house until 3. lol then I went to wash clothes. put those away then came home to Vh1...naked and beautiful still sleep! lol. I made some steak Kabobs, BBQ beans, and pasta salad and we watched a few movies and got drunk... I endedup crying(why I don't know) and we ended up at Jack-in the Box AGAIN....eating SourDough Jacks....ummmmm...

Sunday- We woke up early and went to brunch. I took him to shanghai Red's www.shanghaired.com it was WONDERful. I've been there before...Vh1 had not. He loved it. Their brunch is so beautiful. If I were to ever get married...I would want to do it there...right on the beach sigh.... Sunday afternoon I was soooo stuffted that I couldn't even breathe. After the food settled in I went to pick up MY.

Monday- I was off of work monday too so I took My to school. Then came home and laid in bed alllllll day. Around 2. I begged vh1 into putting on clothes and go to the Target with me. Then we went to the Wingstop where the post before this occured! lol.

Then for dinner MY and Vh1 cooked some of the most delicious tacos ever! lol

That was my weeekend...

Inflamed love

2008-09-30T10:08:00.000-07:00

Vh1 and I went to Wingstop yesterday (this hot wing place), he had never been there.

When the girl, that works there, found out that this was his first time there, she was OOOOHHH so happy to go get him a sample of each sauce for each type that they have to offer for him to try.

The girl goes to the back and brings out a little tray of each sauce. When she brought it over he tries to take it from her, she says "I can hold it" all sweet and sh!t.

Then he takes his finger and dips it in each sauce and tastes each sauce one by one....I swear I went insane. My head was spinning My blood pressure spike sky high.

HE was innocently, looking up at the sign....asking her which one was which....she was looking at him all dreamy eyed and sh!t. While I was standing there about to explode!!

Then when he got to the one called "Atomic" and it was sooo hot....it made him choke.... She gon say "Ohhh nooo....let me get you some water.." and rush off to get some water....I say "He don't need no damn water!" ...He raised his eyebrows at me and said "Babe I'm dying!" She turns around and looks at me and giggles like it was funny like she thought I was playing.

Then he has the nerve TAKE the water from her and drink it! ... I was so mad ... I looked at her and said "We don't want no more damn hot wings" and grabbed his arm and left...

I realize now I may have over reacted....

signed....a crazy jealous black woman.

I HEART music.

2008-09-23T12:16:00.000-07:00

I love music.

As I was driving to work this morning, the morning station that I listen to played "The Sweetest Thing" By Lauryn Hill. I almost had an accident as I screamed with excitement. I felt tingly in my hands. Felt like I could explode. Tears formed. It was a happiness I couldn't explain. Something like seeing a family memember I hadn't seen in a while.

There are some songs that I feel so connected to, it's as if I lived them myself.

I could not see my life with out music. Everything I do I can relate to a beat. Working, driving, speaking, parenting, loving, orgasming,. There are some songs that I wish I could breath...songs and words and verses that I wish I could inhale. Even some songs I wish I could cut apart and eat, consume them like a hot meal.

I've got an ongoing rhythm in my head. Not an annoying shoot your co-wokers sound....A life is moving and shaping and growing and becoming and stopping and starting and flowing and haulting all at the same time type sound.

Inspirational, Emotional, Grimy, Intimate, Gritty, Comical, the adjectives could just grow.

Does anyone feel me?

Diary of my life.

2008-09-22T11:32:00.000-07:00

Friday- I went to visit my sister and her new baby at the hospital....My goodness she is the cutest little baby girl! She has long eyelashes that curl to the side...so sweet. Vh1 came over once we got home and we had pizza night.

Saturday- I took MY to her dads. Vh1 went to "run errands" whatever that means? I went to a babyshower for Sonystudios, babydaddy's youngest sister. LOL sound like a hot mess huh? Well the girl doesn't really have a lot of friends so she sonystudios asked me to come to make it look like more folks...it was a pretty good turn out though.... like 10-15 people. It was nice. Sonystudios babydaddy, timmypoo. His family is really cool. Sonystudios is really blessed to marry into such a great family.

Afterwards. vh1 and I went on to see LAkeview Terrace...Samuel is Scarey as I don't know what! It was a pretty good movie I felt.

Then we went to Versailles, the one in Culver City instead of the one in Beverly Hills like we did last time. It wasn't that good. The Salmon was dry and Vh1's whole red snapper was really small. I had a migraine that had me feeling nauceous. Why was there a man with a curled handle bar mustache at the table next to us....pure comedy!

Vh1 took me home, I took my migraine medicine and it was better, not gone just better. Vh1 got to acting silly and had me laughing so hard I was in tears!! Needless to say my migraine got better.

We stayed up until 3 in the morning....me laughing at him. He is too funny...I swear.

Sunday morning I went to pick up MY. Then MY and I went and brought groceries.

I came home and made steak burritos....they were DELICIOUS! so Good that I brought one to work today!

That's it... Next weekend is Vh1's birthday.
I took off Friday and Monday for an extended Vacation! lol.... I know he's prolly going to go out one day with his buddies... (do people still say buddies? what about Boyz, that's what I had typed at first... hum...anyways) on Sunday I'm taking him to brunch at Shanghai red (my favorite resturant) and I brought him a copy of Iron Man (the first movie we ever went to see).

That's it...I'm hungry.

$26.22

2008-09-22T09:37:00.000-07:00

* my daughter is 5 years old.

* she will be 6 in three months.

* After care is $30 per month.

*Lunch is 1.35 a day ($40.50 a month)

*Her school shirts are $3.99 each (39.99 for two weeks worth)

* The blue grey and purple Jordans I just brought her were $57.99

*Five pairs of those cute little slip in canvas shoes the girls are wearing now at Walmart for $8 each so that's ($40).

* Three of those hoodies with the designs all over them at $12.99 ($38.97)

* Four pairs of shorts, three pants, three skirts ($69.99)

*Her Cornrows ($25.00) Every two to three weeks.

*Doctor visits ($35.00)

Why did I recieve my daughter's first child support check for a WHOOPING 26.22 on Saturday?! What may I ask is that going to pay for?

I weigh 152 pounds.

2008-09-17T15:54:00.000-07:00

* still 35 inches.

* still no touching backfat.

+Honestly I have not been eating right or working out. I been too broke to eat right and too tired to work out! lol

+I'll do better this week. really.

I cheated.

2008-09-16T14:16:00.001-07:00

I had a sour dough jack, with curly fries and a strawberry soda.

Um...burp-a-licious.

"Think back to your very first time..."

2008-09-16T10:55:00.001-07:00

This post was inspired by my new friend Kenya...

How virginity was lost....

I was 15 (yes...I know). It was September of 1996. I was walking home from school.
This guy pulled up to me in a black 4-door Jeep Cherokee . He was caramel skin and had a wild crazy afro. He had an adorable smile and gorgeous white teeth. We stood in the gas station across from what used to be the Baldwin theater (TRUE SoCal natives know what's up!) and talked for about an hour. He was smart and funny and seemed so immediately into me. His name was Oz. His dad played for the Lakers. He lived in a three story house in a nice area. He was a junior at my rival high school. He played on the vasity basketball team. He was 6'3 and to me he was dreamy.

After about a month, I convinced my mom (didn't take much convincing my mom was not very stern or strict) to allow us to go on a date. We went to the movies. He kissed me. Not my first kiss but it was devine.

A few weeks later we went to the arcade (remember when there was an Arcade in the Marina?).
A few weeks after that he invited me to his basketball game at his school.
A few weeks after that dinner, then movies, then basketball camp games, on and on.

We never had an arguement. He'd never pressured me. I never questioned him. I never second guessed him. I was always avaliable. I cancelled plans for him. I was always manicured and perfect for him. He cut his wild hair into a perfect little fade. He was a great gentleman. He was wonderful in front of my family. Introduced me to his family. . We went to fancy dinners and balls. We looked so adorable together. We held hands and kissed and went places in public. People knew we were a "couple. He picked me up from school. He went to dances with me. It was the perfect little fairy tale couple.

So plastic and cookie cutter. We were what everyone thought sweet little cookie cutter kids from his neighborhood should be.

We spent Christmas togehter and New years, took cute little family pictures together... all so perfectly placed. All smiles and dimples. Apple cider and turkey. yuck.

I knew he liked me but I never thought he loved me. He enjoyed spending time with me because I was a perfect little chocolate barbie doll fit for his perfect little barbie world.

I always felt like I was on display with him. Like I was something he needed to graduate from college. Like I was a requirement of some sort. He was a spoiled rich boy, who always got what he wanted.

In April, two weeks before my 16th birthday.
We were in his room (a place we always hung out), his dad was out of town (He didn't live with his mom..she lived in Honolulu but I'd spoke to her on the phone several times). He kissed me (as he always did)...but this time was different. We ended up on his bed. We ended up undressed... we ended up having sex. It was wierd. It was akward. It was not planned. I wasn't ready but I let it happen. I knew I didn't want to but I did. I figured I might as well.

Afterwards we laid in his bed. I didn't talk. I didn't look at him. I wanted to cry. Then this boy that I thought I loved looked at his clock and said "42 minutes, not bad." Got up and got dressed.

For the next two weeks, I didn't really want to talk to him. It felt akward. I sorta felt like I'd been abused...I mean he didn't abuse me but I had that "taken advantage" of feeling. He in no way was at fault for that. I knew I didn't want to but I did anyway. Out of obligation and for lack of loosing my sweet little life.

We went out to dinner with his dad... but Oz seemed distant...he didn't hold my hand. I remember that very specifically. Our hands we're in the general area of each others but we never touched. He took me home and didn't walke me to the door. Even left before I got inside good.

He called me a couple of times but our conversation was dry. I even asked if he didn't like me anymore. He told me, he loved me, I'm his Brownie and he'd always love me. I knew he was lying and I cried after I got off the phone.

For my 16th birthday, my mom gave me the biggest party at this teen club. It was so cracking. My face on a cake, 100 people I knew, 50 people I didn't, balloons, food, friends, family... I was looking super cute. Oz arrived late. and danced with me once. He took picutres with me and stood next to me for a while but the time seemed akward.

The next weekend there was a dance show at this school called LACES. I didn't go...but he went.
Called me before he left and asked me if I wanted to go. I said no. He even called me when he got home.

That following Monday the nosiest girl in school made it her chore to tell me that Oz had showed up, at the show with another girl. Dark skinned, thin, almond shaped eyes. She said she was cute. She said she looked like a dancer. She said she was a junior at his high school. She was me, just a year older. An imitation me.

I didn't cry at first. I just went to class. Then in the middle of my California History Lecture I burst into tears and ran to the bathroom.

I left school early.
When I knew he was home I called him. HE spoke to me in a matter-of-factly attitude. I said "Why?" He says to me "What do you want me to say...I guess I'm sorry."

I was sad for a few weeks. I changed the outgoing message on my pager (so long ago) to that song by Changing Faces..."Foolin Around" . My bestfriend Sonystudios was living with us at the time. She held my hand and listened to me cry. I'd never told her about the sex. I think she sorta just knew.

About 5 years later, I saw his best friend at a club. They were still friends. He told me Oz had went to Honolulu for a while and then ended up at a famous HBCU. He said Oz always talked about me. He said he always asked Oz about me. His bestfriend and I talked for about two hours....We ended up "making out". My so-called vengence.....

About a year after that Oz called me, got my number from someone or somewhere... and Apologized to me. Apolgized hard. Apologized over and over again. Begged for my forgiveness. Told me missed me. And needed a perfect little cookie cutter girl for his current life.(well that's not what he said but that's how I felt) We had lunch and he got teary eyed as apologized again.

He asked for a second chance. I gave him my number and took his. He called me several times after that but we never spoke again.

Me Me Me

2008-09-15T19:49:00.000-07:00

The many looks of JANE!!! SO I am in a posting pics frenzy over here!

I hardly ever show my face on here...And I may even erase this post after a few days...lol... but just cause I'm in the mood...This is what I look from day to day....

Me with curly hair...I guess I was sad.
ME with curled hair.... My edges look thin...they're not...
I look sorta like a cartoon character here...lol...dust your shoulders off.
Me at the club with my girls getting toasted....I look real old...huh?
Me stuck in my cubicle...I look like my mom...alot here.
Me at work...it was freezing...I look chunky here. Me getting ready for da club...

I look like a little kid here....but I LOVED my hair.

I loved my hair here too....this was the first day VH1 and I went on a date.
This is about a year or so ago....notice the weight difference? I can.
This is for a fashion show... I came with my own makeup so this is sorta the before picture.... I like me better with just a little on....

Ok....so now you know what I look like say was up to me on the streets....lol....naw... just kidding .

More of the Random!

2008-09-15T14:57:00.000-07:00

Isn't this the cutest little mirror?! I brought one the other day...I'm going to return it though I paid too much for it.
This my nephew and my niece At my niece's Jr. High school graduation....15 and 14....I'm getting old...My nephew is 6'2 he better make my sister some money! They sorta look like a couple, huh? They're not. That's my sister's son and her bestfriends daughter... But we teach them that they are family....seems a little less familial as I look at it...hmmmm might have a talk with the both of them! damn kids!
This is a lace front wig that I think is sooooo cute. I want one! It's a camillion dollars! Well not that much but it's too damn expensive nevertheless.
(Left to right)This is my friends stepdaughter, my friends daughter and my daughter (with the beads) they were having girls day.
More of the twin cuties.... makes me want to have more! gees look at this face? don't you love him without ever meeting him? Looking at this face I just don't understand howsomeone could hurt a baby....

Here are the both of the boys...just waking up....oh how I love them.

This is me...all dressed up....my forehead looks like it goes on forever!!! lol I was still hot though!

This is my daughter and my nephew's in the white sand Beach in the Bahamas.This is me drunk on a boat....LOOK at those chichi's I wish they looked that big everyday! nope there barely B's they look milky and smooth here though! lol I'm holding my belly in so you don't see the 155 lbs!This is my kitchen....it looks really small huh? It's not! It's actually huge! My digital camera sucks.

randomly random.

2008-09-15T12:21:00.000-07:00

+friday i didn't do a damn thing. i came home did my mommy stuff. got some mudslide and added a little extra rum to it.... i wanted to watch Love Jones but when i went to get it i realized that my dear vh1 had borrowed it. i was angry. so i decided not to watch anything. instead i watched regular tv. crazy c called me about 11 and we talked for a bit.

+Saturday, i stayed in the bed ALL day! around 3p I woke up and got dressed. MY was already dressed. so we went to get our toes done. After wards we went to the beach to see the movie Enchanted played on a big screen at the beach. It was nice.

+Afterwards Vh1 came by. Yall know I'm crazy right? so when I saw him I had to ask "What hoe you watch my Love Jones with?" He started cracking up laughing like I was the crazy lady....it was truely funny!

+Sunday, we stayed in bed until 2. Finally we got up and went to the grocery store and I made tacos while Vh1 and MY played. It was relaxing.

My friend's twin's.... aren't they adorable? I want to bite thier cheeks.....

How is 12 white jurors a jury of OJ's peers?

2008-09-12T15:27:00.001-07:00

+Oj's suspicious ass walk does make me wonder a bit as to wether he did chop up Nicole and Ron...I even drove over to the apartment and took a look at the actual spot where the murder supsedly took place and tried to imagine if such a thing could've taken place (it is a teeny tiny little walkway) but nevertheless....he was found innocent. Now they really tryna hem him up on these charges....

+I am so sleepy. I had sushi for lunch and I feel uber stuft. Its all gloomy today and susposed to be the same this weekend I'm going to put on my jamas cuddle up on the couch with my Hello Kitty blanket drink some brown liquor and watch Love Jones tonight....what fun can't wait! Wanna join me?

+My's teacher pulled me aside this week and told me that my daughter has "An awesome personality!" She said "I know that little girl is going to go far." I walked to my car with my chest puffed out....gees I love being a mom.

+I just saw Vh1 on Tuesday and I can't wait to see him 2moro!

+Hace mucho frio en me trabajo hoy. Nesceitams turn the air conditioner off.!

A Miracle on Cedar Street!!!!

2008-09-11T11:35:00.000-07:00

I found my $550!!!!!

I got home last night.

I talked to my landlord about loosing half of my rent $. He was really sympathetic .

He was like ok....lets work out something so that this doesn't happen again. He was really like stressed out about it.

Then I went up stairs.

I had washed on Sunday, but I hadn't put away the laundry.

I'm one of those lazy people that just throw the clothes in the drawer...don't fold them don't do nothing!

But last night I had STRONG urgeto fold my clothes....and the clothes already in the drawers...

It was like bugging me...tugging at me to do it. Annoying me....irritating me.... driving me crazy!

So around 10pm, I started pulling each drawer out one by one and folding the clothes.

After I pulled the second drawer from the bottom out I saw a piece of paper hanging out from the next drawer.

It was my money order in an envelope.... I started crying and praising God !!!

God is good.

what's the matter with a little no sometime?

2008-09-10T11:42:00.000-07:00

and just cause i can i'm posting again....

yesterday afternoon vh1 texted me.
vh1: I hope you're having a great day.
Jane: I am, now. thank you very much I needed that.
vh1: I'm glad I could help
Jane: you always make me smile
vh1: that's part of Man's work (an on going joke we have about woman's work and man's work)..

later he called me and asked if I wanted to make his day better. I said of course, he asked if I'd stop by after work to visit. Instead he came by once I got home...
We were laying on the couch and I said "I wanted to see you today too.."
He says "well, how come you didn't ask?"
I said joking "I didn't want you to think i was on your jock..."
He laughs "what's the real reason?"
I laugh..."seriously that's why! I just saw you this weekend, didn't want you to get sick of me."
He says "So if I didn't ask you, you wouldn't have asked?"
I say "no. prolly not."
Silence. Blinking.
He says. "SO the real reason you didn't ask is because you were afraid I'd say no"
I say "yes."
he says "so what...what's wrong with no."
Me..."I guess nothing."
He says "you tell me no all the time."
I say "...yeah I guess..."
He says "I can tell you no and still care about you Sheep." (Sheep is a TOD that he uses for me when I'm sleepy...)
I say "I know."
He says "But do you really?"

It kinda hit a nerve because I think I really hate hearing no. I avoid it at all costs. I think it's the major reason I am such a procrastinator... I don't want to hear folks say it... What's up wit that?
A Psychiatrist could spend a thousand hours trying to understand it and couldn't.

I weigh 152 pounds.

2008-09-10T10:05:00.000-07:00

Time for my Wednesday weight update! lol

+ My waist is 35 inches.

+I noticed some definition forming in my abs...vh1 noticed it too...kinda sexy.

+ I'd estimate 40% less cellulite in my thighs.

+My breast don't touch my belly anymore.

+There is a definite reduction in my back fat.

+My skin is evening out nicely.

Changes in my workout:
+Still ain't walked MY to school once...lol

+Daily workout rotation: Ballet warmup(5-7 minutes), low impact aerobics (10 minutes), Hip Hop Yoga workout (10 minutes), 8 minute abs.

+I have reduced down to one cup of Java per day. one can of soda every two to three days. And at least one bottle of water a day (even though I HATE it)

Kinks I'm working out:
+I can't seem to get enough sleep. Doesn't matter when I go to sleep or what time.I wake up sleep starved. I think I may not be eating the appropriate amount of calories per day.

+I started taking my daily vitamin at lunch, since when I take it in the morning it makes me burpy all day.

+My hair gets nappy round the edges sometimes after the workout even with my perm....I'd hate to have to straighten it everyday... Any suggestions?

oh yeah...My weekend....

2008-09-09T09:18:00.000-07:00

*saturday, we were going to go to the fair, but instead we went to the beach.

*on our way to the beach we stopped at Togo's for sandwiches. we were all three in line, when this prince song came on...it was a hot mess in there how we were dancing.

*at the beach Vh1 and i played dominoes while MY built sandcastles. Than MY and I went down to the water and splashed around a bit. Then it started to get a little chilli so we packed it up.

*After the beach. we went to the shoe store (since vh1 wore Jordan's to the beah...we needed suede cleaner)there were these reebox's that have the monopoly board game on them...they were really cute (i don't know if men want to be cute...but yeah.) I'm thinking of getting them for his birthday....

*vh1 ordered pizza hut pasta. then liquored me up with wine and i think maybe vodka...i don't know.

*sunday, we did nothing all day until around 4 when i finally worked up the strength to do the laundry, i made vh1 come with me...even though he was disgusted that he even had to get dressed.

*we ate chicken.

*i braided MY's hair.

*then we watched this awesome movie called Felon.

*I brought MY a fish the other day. It's a purple male Beta fish named Charolette in a purple tank with pink and purple rocks lol...the poor thing is gender confused....sigh. he's so depressed. lol so sad

Things I've lost.

2008-09-08T10:44:00.000-07:00

* I lost $550. I had it in a money order, in an envelope on the top of my dresser. I remember picking it up. I remember holding it in my hand. I remember throwing out the trash in a rush...I think I threw away $550. The reciept in still attached. $550 lost. Half of my rent...gone. so sad. That's it. Can't cry over spilled milk. Just gotta keep on pushing and learn from my mistakes.

* I lost a piece of my tooth. I was kissing Vh1 and our teeth clicked and my tooth chipped. It sounds way worst than it is...it isn't visible with the naked eye, but I can rub my tongue across it and feel it. I don't see any further damage but I will be going to the dentist just in case...I knew this guy in high school, who was FINZNE. I don't even really know why or how he and I became friends. But everyday he and I would sit next to each other on the bus. When I got my car, I asked him if he wanted a ride, since we got off at the same stop... for his prom he had his braces removed, and two days later a piece of his front tooth fell off from an accident he had either while the braces were on or before they were put on. He was sooo ashamed. He came to me at lunch and asked me if I could leave early and take him home. he had this crazy look on his face and was covering his mouth. I had to ditch school (he was 18 and could leave whenever he felt) and meet him in student parking. we drove home in silence and finally he showed me his tooth. I wanted to BURST into laughter but didn't. I could see he wanted to cry. I never told anybody about that....I did call him Chipper for the rest of the year. It was our little secret.

*I lost time this morning doing my hair; but, It is so CUTE today. I have it part in the center and feathered backwards....HOT!

*I lost my mind when I listened to Ne-yo's CD. Why is Ne-yo's new CD the bizness? Is that just my opinion or is everyone else feeling it like me? Uhhh and that new song by John Legend and Fine ass Andre 3000? That mess is beatin'!
OOOOO and Al Green's !!!! CLASSIC!

*I lost all respect for my cellphone. vh1 has that new phone the instinct, it is soooo cute. I spent more time playing with it then him. .. I want one! His fingers are too big anyway!

*My friend's mother will be cornrolling MY's hair.. yeah! something I can not do! saves me 10 minutes in the morning!

*My mom will be out here next weekend....she will met my new love....or maybe not....I will gage whether I'm even ready for all that, this week.

* I came to work to day with only $5. I need gas to get home and I need to eat...what do I do? I will put the $5 in the tank and use the change in my car to buy a 0.69 burrito, from del taco....lol

addiction.

2008-09-08T10:05:00.000-07:00

what if the saying is false. what if you CAN'T get enough of a good thing?

the days i spent with vh1 this weekend reinstated my feelings for him.

I feel like the epitome of corny...lol like....'gees he's so dreamy' but all the time... lol

i could be made of that white fluffy stuff my mom puts on top of her lemon pies.

i told him i would live in that spoft space between where his arm connects to his shoulder and neck if reality would allow for it... he told me, if he could figure out a way for me to reside there he would.

we sit and have long chats about the nothingness and yet everythingness of life.

i've been kissed everywhere that kissing is physically humanly possible.

i have to force myself to to concentrate on life, on driving, on working, on television, on reading. sigh.... '

"Wouldn't you like to know, just how it all began..."

2008-09-05T15:05:00.000-07:00

I don't really have much to blog about. Nothing really interesting going on.
I'll tell you about how i met the fellas I've blogged about over the years...4 years to be exact

RICROC:
i was throwing my bigsis a linen party for her birthday a few years ago. i went to this reggae club called Dragonfly in Hollywood afterwards I was standing out side with my ex-best friend Muq. Handing out flyers. To the right of me, I saw this handome light skinned guy coming down the street and tried to get into "I hope he sees me" position. He smiled. I smiled.
When suddenly to the left of me, i heard the most beautiful deep voice say to me "Hello" I turned to meet this chocolate 6 foot, muscular man, with thebody of a God, with beautiful perfectly placed teeth. I wanted to pass out. At that momment in my life I had never seen some one so beautiful up close. The light skin guy, just happened to be his friend. before Ricroc asked me for my number the two of them went to the side and had a little chat by themselves. I never asked what they talked about but ...either way Ricroc came out the winner. I'm glad.
How it FINISHed-
After 3 years.We just drifted off. I spoke to him last at the end of last summer when he looked me up on MySpace.

CRAZYC:
i was 14. extremely nervous about having my first summer job. i was self concious. i had all sorts of hangups about being dark skinned and nappy haired (what i realize now is the buisness....it case yall didn't knw). i was skinny and my knees touched. and i had a big forehead. the first week of "summer employement" was always spent in the community room going over the rules and getting our assignemt. i didn't know anyone. i was from the "otherside of town" the westside. where the girls are stuck up....so no one wanted to get to know me.
finally i made friends with a guy who's name ryhmed with my real name. we were joined at the hip. he was friends with this light skin curly haired guy that dressed really nice. he worked for summer employment and lived across the street, from the community center with his grandmother and sister. i thought he was cute. he and i weren't really friends. only knew other through my friend who's name ryhmed with my real name. One day after summer employment was over my friend who's name ryhmed with my real name called me and asked if his friend could have my number. And thus began the tragedy that is Jane and CrazyC.
How it FINISHed-
It will never end. Yesterday was his birthday. He called me at 12:05 am Pissed off because it was the first time since we met that I hadn't called him at midnight to wish him happy birthday.

CATCHACASE:
It was my friend Martinez's birthday. we were all going out to the club. Beyonce had just came out with that "Crazy" video where she had on pumps. so in true fashionistawanna be style I had on short shorts with white pumps (I'll never forget it) and as I crossed the street in front of my apartment building to get into my car. this tall sexy black man with beautiful white teeth approached me. We spoke shortly. He looked a little young. then he smiled. that beautiful God pinched dimple had me....sigh. later he told me he'd just turned 19. I was 23.
How it FINISHed-
After 4 years of on and off, I looked up his myspace and found out he'd gotten married and had a 4 month old baby all while we were messin around.

BWOOD:
I met at Friday's. we telephoned for like two weeks. finally he asked me to go to eat. we set up the date. i ended up not being able to make it. the next weekend he asked if he could come by on his way his car broke down. the next time we could hook up he came over before he was leaving for vegas. we spent like three hours just sitting on my steps talking. he was late for his flight. he was supposed to be there a week. he came back home after three days, so that we could spend time before he had to go back to work.
How it FINISHed-
After 4 years, He called me last weekend, and I was on the phone talking to CrazyC, waiting for Vh1 to get there. He said "Ey... I'm coming by" I said "Sorry Sweets, not today." He says "Oh, so what you got some little sweetie now?" I said "Yeah." He hung up in my face.

BARBERSHOP:
I had on my halloween costume. My 1970's gear. giant afro wig knee boots...leather trench coat.
I was coming out a store on my lunch break. He was coming from borrowing products from the other barbershop. He saw my costume and said "Power to the people!" HE wasn't going to ask me for my number but I said "That's it? You're not even going to get my digits?" He laughed and gave me his card. I said "OH!!! NO!!! that's not how this works, buddy." I wrote my name and number on the back and handed it back to him. He laughed.
How it FINISHed-
I wrote a post about him about a week ago.

MY DAUGHTER's DAD:
I was 18. I was friends with this chic that was nothing but trouble. we were ALWAYS together. She and I had met this guy at a club, named Tomas. He wanted to introduce me to his friend so that we could go on double dates. We went to his friends house. His friends mother was home and he wasn't supposed to be having company. So we all sat in the living room whispering and listening to the radio. The next day Tomas's friend called me...where'd he get my number? and the rest is history.
How it FINISHed-
After 2 and a half years, We got into an arguement. I threw his shoe. He pushed me into lamp. I socked him in the face. He was suprised by me socking him. He picked me up and slammed me on the floor, but his hands on my neck and started to squeeze. I closed my eyes and held my breath. He jumped up and screamed. I opened my eyes. He grabbed his shoes and left. The police arrested him. Forced us into mediation and anger management classes.

MR. WONDERFUL:
Blackplanet. we messaged back and forth for almost a year before we actually met in person.
How it FINISHed-
You've read the post....I'm sure. I asked him "were we in a relationship." he got scared...we broke up.

FLS:
Blackplanet.
How it FINISHed-
Somehow, he became like my daughter Godfather...I dunno when it happened.

Vh1:
The day after SonyStudios babyshower, I was doing the laundry. feeling real good. Not looking that good. had on a summer dress a little to dressy for the laundry. My hair was cute but not neat, sorta rustled. I was carrying loads into the wash house.
there was a cute older Belizean man in there. He was dirty...not nasty dirty but I been working hard today dirty...so the good kind. he had on a blue work dirty shirt, black slacks and boots... curly thick hair and he was washing work towels. he and i laughed about how hot it was .
I'd left MY in the car so she could finish the rest of her mango. i was watching her from inside so hard that i didn't see that the white mercedes had already passed by twice. the belizean man pointed it out to me.
When I went out to get MY and my soap. The white mercedes pulled around again.
A so-so guy got out. Light skin. kind muscular hand on a tight-ish shirt...not really but not baggy. His jeans were fit not baggy. his hair needed to be cut. but he was cute. He walked over to me and asked me for my number. I thought about saying no, since I was dating E at the time...but instead decided to go for it.
When he spoke he had an accent sorta newyork, la, country boy, might speak spanish mix.
I told him about E. He acted like he could careless. Kept right on talking. Called me the same night. lol....
And the rest is history.

I weigh 154 pounds.

2008-09-03T11:02:00.000-07:00

I lost one POUND! yeah! Next week it'll prolly be a better number though....since this week I'm retaining a little water...

My waist is still 36inches.

I feel better. I have more air... if that makes any since.

I have changed a bit on my Less-Jelly roll plan

1. I've only been taking the women's weightsmart daily vitamin not the fat burners....they make me burp...often... like continuously....I'm too lady-like to have conversations like "Good Morning (Burp) how are you (Burp)? Good to hear that (burp)"

2. I have not walked MY to school...lol....laziness! Oh yea. MY got in trouble yesterday. She was talking while the teacher was talking. She got her name on the board. She was really was upset. She promised today would be better.

3. I have been doing my situps and squats.

4. I been doing my strip tease aerobics and my pilates Abs videos interchangeably; but I want to get something to make me sweat....like a body bootie yoga.

"Come and knock on Our Door..."

2008-09-02T09:42:00.000-07:00

i'm feeling real fresh prince of bel air today? why I don't know. I have the theme song on repeat in my head! that and the three's company... weird huh?

as always! my weekend:

-friday, i cleaned my house. that took all night!

-saturday, i got my oil changed, brought two tires for the front, brought MY some more uniforms, brought snacks from BigLots, and made jumbalya for dinner.

-sunday, i went to church. the lesson was "Be Disciplined in Your Disillusion" which for me was, exactly what I needed. He spoke about how everyone has an image of how they feel certain things should go and often times when that exact image isn't what we get; we immediately want to end it and move on to find that next perfect image. He talked about how newly weds have an image of what the feel marriage is, and when it is not that perfect cookie cutter image most couples give up...he talked about being disciplined when your illusion is DISSED. it was what i needed to hear.

- sunday night i had girls night at my house. it was so much fun! bigsis, kinkos, sonystudios, NDN, and Stace all came. We watched my studio copy of Sex and City the movie (I have a friend who's a member of The Academy...yeah I know, he's not supposed to lend them out to folks...oh well) I brought pizza hut pastas...YUMMY! and cut up some fruit and we drank wine all the night long!

-monday, MY, Vh1 and I hung out doing NUTHIN all day. we didn't even get dressed. we didn't even cook. we just laid around haphazardly....lovely!

-Today was my daughter's first day of first grade. Her teacher is very cute. She looks like the kind of black girl that I would be friends with. like someone i would have had over my house sunday night for girls night. she was very polite. she seemed organized and like she knew what she was doing.... that was just what she looked like....so we'll see.

Finally plugged in

2008-08-29T10:41:00.000-07:00

Yesterday evening, I sat on the bottom bunk of my 15 year old nephew's bunk beds, filled up with tears. Completely unfocused on the discomfort that the old flattened out mattress was causing me.

My step mother stood leaning on the bunk bed behind me. Unconcerned with her bad knee.

My nephew laid across the top bunk bed a flat pillow balled up underneath his head.

The TV was on and blasting.

In the other room my brother in law sat on the edge of the bed, his arms crossed he was focused.

In the Livingroom the children (about 6 of them ranging in age from 4 to 13) sat legs crossed on the floor half way paying attention the TV.

My big sis, and her two friends sat on the beige leather couch, sharing their opinions and discussing topics they've never dared to care about. My sisters dad sat in his wheelchair near the door (in brand new grey Jordan's) crying. Unable to control his emothions since his stroke 3 years ago.

We all sat. FINALLY tooned in. FINALLY paying attention. FINALLY caring. FINALLY intrested.

Last night marked what I will account as one of the most important momments of our life time; an African American man accepting nomination for the presidency of the United States.

Background Music

2008-08-28T10:25:00.000-07:00

I Try
by Talib Kweli Lyrics

Yeah, yeah
New Talib Kweli
Yeah, you know what it is
Come on, come on, yeah
Hey yo

[Mary J. Blige]
I try, I try (that's all we can do)
I try, you know I try
I try, I try (yeah)
I try, you know I try

[Verse 1: Talib Kweli]
K. West! Kweli!
Got searched on the plane, Arabic first name
Disturbed by the fame just like Kurt Cobain
Breath of life, kiss of death, my lips pursed the same
You flirt 'til she came
Nothin' hurt like the pain and torture
Daughters of the dust lookin' for a vein
Something to take in vain like the Lord's name
Put your hands together, got 'em all sayin'

[Hook: Mary J. Blige]
I try, I try
I try, you know I try
I try, I try
I try, you know I try

[Verse 2: Talib Kweli]
Yo, it's all ghetto in gear higher, the floor settle
More metal for beef that we don't let the law settle
I try to navigate the treacherous waters of
America's ghettos that set up the slaughteres
But there's more of us
Although we speak in different languages
We all pretty familiar with what anger is
Young and dangerous, ??
Get up on some gangsta shit
Guns to bang ya wit
'And we put it on records to entertain ya wit'
I'm grown with pains way deeper than Mike Seavers
Our uniforms is white sneakers and white T-shirts
On top of wife beaters
We like to light reefers
The 'hood need us for rappers, just ain't the right leaders
I put a lot into it
This is my product and I gotta move it
Stop the industry but you can't stop the music

[Interlude: Mary J. Blige]
An upside down kingdom where life is just not fair (upside down kingdom)
Some many sufferin' cuz deep inside they're scared (so scared)
Fear pumped into their veins to keep them from their destiny
Where would they be if you and I don't care?

[Hook: Mary J. Blige]
I try, I try, you know I try
I try, I try, I try, you know I try

[Verse 3: Talib Kweli]
Yo, the things I'm seein' on the news is insane
A stock broker shoot his kid and throw himself in front of a train
A mother leave her baby home for two weeks all by himself
Three years old, eatin' ketchup and mustard, cryin for help
Tryin' to bring your struggle to life
The label want a song about a bubbly life
I have trouble tryin' to write some shit
To BANG in the club through the night
When people suffer tonight
Lord knows I try

[Hook: Mary J. Blige]
I try, I try, I try, you know I try
I try, I try, I try, you know I try[

Interlude: Talib Kweli]
Life is a beautiful struggle
People search through the rubble for a suitable hustle
Some people usin' the noodle, some people usin' the muscle
Some people put it all together, make it fit like a puzzle
Come on, say it nowLife is a beautiful struggle
People search through the rubble for a suitable hustle
Some people usin' the noodle, some people usin' the muscle
Some people put it all together, yeah

[Outro: Mary J. Blige]
I try, I try, you know I try
I try, oh Lord I try
Everyday I

[Mary J. Bliges harmonizes with the beat]
Upside down kingdom
Oh, they're so scared
Everyday on the news we can't look around with
something somewhere
I try, I try, you know I try
I try, I try, I try, you know
I tryLord knows, Lord knows we try
Yeah

I weigh 155 pounds.

2008-08-27T09:52:00.000-07:00

SO because this is 25 more pounds then the day that I went into labor with my daughter, this is completely unorthodox to me.

I have back fat. My back fat rubs against my bra.

I have love handles.

I wear a size 9/10 and my jeans are tight.

My ankles are swollen everyday when I get home.

My toes look like little sausages.

My thighs look like I'm having an allergic reaction, from all the lack of muscle tone.

A pair of pants that I brought on the 4th of July that were WAY to big; now, fit me nice a snug.

My naked breast touch my belly.

Theres a thick ring of fat around the top of my knee.

Instead of Kane's Workout plan, I'm doing the Jane's Workout plan

How I plan to eliminate the jelly roll:

1. I take a weightsmart woman's daily vitamin.

2. I take a fat burner capsule 30 minutes before every meal.

3. I have excluded all sodas.

4. I hate water but...I am only drinking water during the day.

5. I have cut back to one cup of coffee per day.

6. I do 100 sit-ups per day.

7. I do 50 squats per day.

8. I do a twenty minute workout everyday.

9. When school starts back on Tuesday, I will be walking MY to school three mornings a week.

10. I signed MY up for a mommy and me ballet class.

I'll keep you abreast to my progress.

My weekend...once again.

2008-08-25T14:15:00.000-07:00

Friday: My cousin's wife turned 50. So he had a BIG party for her.
I was sooo cute!! I wore a black floor length tube dress with a silver pendant in the center of my breast. black high heels with one strap around the ankle and one across the toe. I wore my
hair long with a part on the side and the side in my face was flipped to the side. I wore charcoal colored eyeshadow...it was too cute...I will post a pic. HAHA my cousin's wife had a good time too. lol

Late Night Friday: I went to the bar on the corner by my house and had a drink and watched the pool tornement.

Saturday: Stace dropped by around 11. Vh1 and made her and her son breakfast (waffles, eggs and bacon, and mimosas) Then we watched Hard 8. Such a great underated movie.
I cooked dinner (rice, pork chops and tomato soup) that night and knocked out like I was
drugged.

Sunday: Vh1 and I went to eat at Versailles, this cuban food resturant....Grilled salmon and rice DELICIOUS!! Then I brought MY some uniforms....LORD how I love uniforms!

WHOHOO such an eventful weekend...lol...
What did you do this weekend?

15 Things you may not have known About my homegirl Michelle Obama

2008-08-25T14:12:00.000-07:00

stolen from the Washington Post

Sun Aug 24, 11:49 PM ET
1 As a child, she loved girlie stuff like her Easy Bake Oven and Barbie (she had the car and the house, too).

2When it comes to television, she's a fan of Sex in the City, The Sopranos and HGTV.

3 Her favorite author: Toni Morrison

4 Her father, Fraser Robinson, a former boxer, suffered from multiple sclerosis from age 30. He was a Democratic precinct captain and worked at the city water filtration plant in Chicago. Although he met and liked Barack, he died in 1991, a year before the Obamas were married.

5 As a kid, she alternated days doing dish-washing duty with her big brother, Craig. It was also her job to clean the bathroom every Saturday.

6 She skipped second grade.

7She attended Whitney Young, Chicago's first magnet high school, where she was student council treasurer, a member of the National Honor Society and a four-year honor roll student.

8 She's a 1985 cum laude graduate of Princeton University, where she shared a room with three other women and had to walk down three flights of stairs to get to the bathroom.

9 She graduated from Harvard Law School in 1988 and was hired by the blue chip law firm Sidley & Austin in Chicago, where she specialized in marketing and intellectual property law. She was picked to be the adviser to a summer associate, Barack Obama.

10 She doesn't wear pantyhose because they always rip; she says it's difficult to find ones that fit her 5-foot-11 frame.

11 The Rev. Jesse Jackson's daughter, Santita, sang at her wedding. They're childhood friends.

12 As a newlywed, she gave up corporate law and took a huge pay cut to open the Chicago office of Public Allies, part of former President Clinton's AmeriCorps, which helped young people to enter public service work.

13 She sits on six boards, including the University of Chicago Laboratory Schools, which her daughters, Sasha and Malia, attend.

14 In a job interview with University of Chicago Hospitals, she brought along baby daughter Sasha (now 7) because she couldn't find a baby sitter. She got the job.

15 She likes predawn workouts and held outdoor jump-rope clinics at her house for her daughter's ballet class.

SOURCES: Chicago Sun-Times, Newsweek,
The Washington Post

really, do i need to say anything else?

2008-08-21T15:27:00.000-07:00

"Nothing Even Matters" -Miseducation of Lauryn Hill by Lauryn Hill

Now the skies could fall
Not even if my boss should call
The world it seems so very small'
Cause nothing even matters at all

Nothing even matters Nothing even matters at all
Nothing even matters Nothing even matters at all

See I don't need no alcohol
Your love makes me feel ten feet tall
Without it I'd go through withdrawal'
Cause nothing even matters at all

Nothing even matters Nothing even matters at all
Nothing even matters Nothing even matters at all

These buildings could drift out to sea
Some natural catastrophe
Still there's no place I'd rather be
'Cause nothing even matters to me

Nothing even matters Nothing even matters to me
Nothing even matters Nothing even matters to me

You're part of my identity
I sometimes have the tendency
To look at you religiously
'Cause nothing even matters to me

Nothing even matters Nothing even matters to me
Nothing even matters Nothing even matters to me

Now you won't find me at no store
I have no time for manicures
With you it's never either or
'Cause nothing even matters no more

Nothing even matters Nothing even matters no more
Nothing even matters Nothing even matters no more

Now my team could score
And make it to the Final Four
Just repossess my 4x4'
Cause nothing even matters no more

Nothing even matters Nothing even matters no more
Nothing even matters Nothing even matters no more