Thursday, June 13, 2013

It's all so much

So that guy. The one who was in charge and left me breathless? Well he's back.

When I found out why he was gone. I couldn't take it. I had to compartmentalize it. It was too much too great too horrible a thing for anyone to ever bear. I couldn't ever imagine it. And WHY to him? Someone so good, had the worst thing happen to him. 

I can't say I love this guy. This guy that is in charge but I must say I have a strong affection for him. He causes me to think about what it is that I want in a partner. He's sweet and has conviction and passion and he's intense and yet quiet and loves his children and has a story behind him.  Becoming his friend made it easier for me to leave vh1. Not because I wanted to be with him, but because I could see what it meant for a man to truly make his mind up about something. I realized just how much vh1 had fallen from who he once was. 

 Even that first day that we had lunch with Jersey, that he was forbidden fruit.... But I bit. 

Stupid, selfish me. I bit. 

This guy that is in charge lost his first son. 

And now. My friend the guy that is in charge, is back.

I just don't know what to say to him. I can't do d the words. I can't. 

I cant. I mean I don't... I don't do well with emotions and other people's emotions. How can I help him?! The emotionless... Tortured soul helping a real life tortured soul. 

My choice, stay away. Avoid it. I am uncomfortable with grief and other people's sadness. It makes me into a mannequin. 

I feel like such a bitch because I avoided him the whole first week.... That is until be called me on it. He forced me to pay acknowledge...him. Our friendship. Everything.

Now.  We have dinner plans for tomorrow. Two people who were friends a month ago... Circumstances of the friendship certainly have changed but...two friends indeed.

I have no idea how I'm going to make it thru dinner. 

No comments: