Monday, September 19, 2011

I'm seeing RED.

The day was Saturday. I woke up in a rush. Needed to get to Target to pick up a gift for my niece’s third birthday party. I washed my face and did a quick brush job on my teeth. I finger combed my hair, threw on a pair of tights and a t-shirt and I was ready.

I grabbed my cellphone off the night stand and realized that I only had one bar of battery left.

I went over to VH1’s side of the bed, he’d been using my multifunctional battery charger for his cellphone ( you can use it in the car, home, computer, etc). He’d lost his real phone last week and has been using my charger on his temporary phone.

I picked up his phone to remove it from the charger and there it was.

I took a double take because it was possible that my lying eyes were deceiving me…but No. That was an ass. The Wallpaper of my boyfriends cell phone was of an ass and the ass was not mine.

The ass was in scantily clad underwear, on all fours, on a bed; as if it were presenting itself to someone. The head belonging to the ass was cut off.

The picture was not professionally taken.

Imagine my RAGE.

Feel my RAGE.

I tossed the phone to VH1 and said “Really?” He knew exactly what I was talking about before I even continued… his response “I’ll take it off… it’s just a picture off the internet.”

The lights went dark in my mind. I blacked out… my mouth on the other hand was wide awake. It was open and my tongue was hooking together phrases……unbelievable phrases…phrases that were from the pit of my stomach…phrases that stung me as the flew from my lips.

My RAGE was spewing from my mouth uncontrolled…not unintentional…but I. Could. Not. Stop. It.

I was on the floor on my knees screaming words. I don’t know what the words were specifically but they were words that expressed EXACTLY what I was feeling.

His only explanation was “I put a lot of things as my main page picture. That’s just the last one I was checking out, I forgot to change it before I went to sleep.”


He apparently hadn’t heard anything I’d said in the last 10 minutes. Either the words that I was saying were not in English or he does not speak English.

HE didn't hear any of my reason why I felt so ANGRY.

He looked at me and said “I said Sorry, I don’t know what else you want me to do?”

That’s all he has to say from his self.

He is: Sorry, and he doesn’t know what else I want him to do..

Truthfully; I don’t know what I want him to do either (he could go jump in a damn lake)I'm not even sure what would suffice... Is there any correcting this?

What was he thinking as he clicked to save the photo as his wallpaper? Did he think I would be cool with it? Did he just think I’d never see it? I really need him to make me understand it. Cause I don’t.

I do not feel the same anymore.

When I saw that ass; Something in me broke.

I feel thoroughly disrespected.

I also feel unsure about these actually just being pictures off the Internet; because of the look of the picture.

I am so hurt. My stomach hurts. I feel like my little light that I did have is gone.

In my mind I thought….he doesn’t have a job ….but at least he LOVES me. That ass on his phone is not the act of someone that is in love.

And now I’m in a state of limbo.

He doesn’t seem to even care about making things right. He’s not even in apology mode. He’s acting as if I did something wrong… like he’s angry with me. And it fucking hurts.

I feel that I’ve committed myself to a relationship that doesn’t even exist.

1 comment:

belle said...

So sorry to read this. Sounds like you need to decide what you want from him... and if what he has to offer is enough.