Monday, February 28, 2011

I am so tired...

So we’ve been together for three years.
Living together for about a year and a half….
Waking up next to each other.
Coming home to each other each day.

And just this morning…. I realized that he is not who he says he is.

He says his favorite color is brown….but I’ve never once seen him wear it or pick the color out anywhere.
He says his favorite Brand is Polo and yet he does not own a stitch of Polo.
He says he’s not shy and speaks his mind….and yet anytime we’re around people he doesn’t know he acts like a turtle.
He says he’s a “manly” man and yet I am the one with the hammer and screw driver hammering and nailing and replacing things and hauling and painting and doing EVERY DAMN THING.
He says he’s a hard worker and yet I have not one time in three years seen him work hard, on anything….not even our relationship.

I know some of these are petty. But I swear all together they are pushing me to an edge and I am about to jump. And by jump I mean break up with him. And by Break up with him I mean put him out of my house. And by put him out of my house I mean full scale “Waiting to exhale” Standing in the drive way smoking a cigarette…..

I attract a certain type of guy. And I thought he was not this guy. I though he was different….. I thought my pattern had been broken and I realize it has not been. I’ve been hoodwinked. Or maybe I am the cause. Maybe something about me says…please use me. Please get with me and then turn into a lazy slug….

The same damn shit all over again and it took me, this damn long, to fucken realize it.

This is my pattern: Working lose job, loose focus, become a slug…. Look at Janelle like she the one that has changed.

See, I can take care of my daughter and me. I got that all day, everyday. I can support she and I…. I do the best I can, work the hardest I can to make sure she and I are covered. I don’t need him to do that. I got that…..but here’s the thing…..if he’s supposed to be my MAN …. Why doesn’t he feel the need to help me with that?

I am soooo tired of waking up and his ass is fucken sleep. I leave the house and he’s still fucken sleep.
I come home and he’s in the bedroom in his underwear watching TV in a bad mood.

Now I can respect, you’re a man and you’re going through a slight depression because of the situation that you’re in… I get that. I understand that…. But what frustrates me is the lack of motivation… the lack of hustle….

As a matter fact….Where is your hustle? Did you leave it somewhere? SHIT find it… put it in your fucken pocket and get back on your grind.

I swear his lack of hustle is pushing me….
It’s unattractive…
It’s fucken ugly…

And I don’t think I can take it anymore.

I love this man. “From his hair follicle to his toe nails…love him in each and every way imaginable” but he is become so unattractive (not physically…cause I still think hes’ FIZINE) to me that I’m not sure …I want this anymore.

I feel cheated. Cheated out of a healthy relationship. Cheated out of an ADULT relationship. Instead I feel like his mom. … like I have a 30 year old son and I myself am 29.

I feel old , I’m getting fat (because I feel too tired to work out), my face is chubby and I’m becoming a hippopotamus again….. and I am just tired.

So very very tired. Too tired for my own good.

1 comment:

SAILOR MOON said...

Damn J, its been forever and a day since ive blogged or come by, Im sorry youre having these feelings. I think if you sit down and talk to the man - let him know how you feel you will get a sense of where he is and where he wants to be. Keep ya' head up beauty queen. So glad Im back...