Thursday, October 16, 2008

the male fish named charolette.

Our fish died Tuesday. I kept having a feeling that the fish was going to die. Something just kept nagging at me about it.

When I would go to wake MY up in the mornings, I would check that the fish was alive first and then wake her. Well Tuesday the damn thing was dead.

It ate itself to death. I guess it couldn't deal with the confusion about it's sexual idenity.

Well I didn't point it out to MY, I didn't want her to have a bad day at school.

When I came back from dropping her off, Vh1 and I flushed it down the toilet.

I decided I didn't want to lie to her and get another one.

I told Vh1 I'd tell her her fish went to heaven.
He sighed and said...don't do that. He shook his head at me (I sensed a condesending attitude) You shouldn't tell her that her fish went to heaven because fish don't go to heaven.
***I paused.Thought to myself, well were the hell do they go?
He continued. Fish don't go to heaven because they don't have souls. He said, tell her Charolette went to a better place.

What place would that be then? Animal afterlife?


my daughter's father's mother is dying.

she is a chronic alcoholic.
she has a failing heart.
her liver is severly decayed.

she needs a heart transplant. they don't give heart transplants to alcoholics.

she's going to die.

why is it that i only have a small..very small amount of empathy for her?
am i becoming a hard rock (when i really am a gem...shot out to lauryn hill)?

i should feel something. i should feel sad. i should be solem.

i didn't blink at the sight of her oxygen mask and tank...what is wrong with me?
i light-weight forgot to even ask how she was doing when i got to her i that impolite?
i never ask my bbd how she i even care?

i don't feel sad.
i have no empathy for her at all.
i mostly regret that my daughter will have to know her grandmother passed away (i will not take my 5 year old to a funeral).
i have no emotion as it relates to it.


Torrance Stephens - All-Mi-T said...

it should not be about you, it should be about the daughter. Maybe i am wrong, but we should not take our personal beliefs and impose them on kids. My daughter hates her mother, but I will not tolerate her say such, my sons mother hasnt seen him in years and she lives in the city. When she dies, he will be at her funeral - its the only godly thingv to do, if one is a child of god for evil and revenge will never be rewared

sry for typing too much
have a great weekend
and how much did u feed that fish?

Sha Boogie said...

Did you ever have a relationship with her? If not I can understand not having any feelings..

Jane said...

Torrance: My daughter calls her grandmother "The loud lady that lives with daddy" me, it's not about me. My cousin Malika died when I was 7. Going to that funeral was one of the most horrific memories that I have....I would NEVER want to subject my daughter to that.

Sha: My fondest memory of her is three days before MY was born, on Thanksgiving, she was drunk. She took her bedroom blanket out to the front yard and took a nap on the front yard. NO LIE. I have no relationship with her....

Nina said... the fondest memory.

i went to my mother's funeral when i was 3. it was heartbreaking for all the people there and it is my only memory of her.

i don't think you're heartless. i think you're being real.

as for the fish. how does he know they dont have souls. it's alive isnt it?