Tuesday, September 16, 2008

"Think back to your very first time..."

This post was inspired by my new friend Kenya...

How virginity was lost....

I was 15 (yes...I know). It was September of 1996. I was walking home from school.
This guy pulled up to me in a black 4-door Jeep Cherokee . He was caramel skin and had a wild crazy afro. He had an adorable smile and gorgeous white teeth. We stood in the gas station across from what used to be the Baldwin theater (TRUE SoCal natives know what's up!) and talked for about an hour. He was smart and funny and seemed so immediately into me. His name was Oz. His dad played for the Lakers. He lived in a three story house in a nice area. He was a junior at my rival high school. He played on the vasity basketball team. He was 6'3 and to me he was dreamy.

After about a month, I convinced my mom (didn't take much convincing my mom was not very stern or strict) to allow us to go on a date. We went to the movies. He kissed me. Not my first kiss but it was devine.

A few weeks later we went to the arcade (remember when there was an Arcade in the Marina?).
A few weeks after that he invited me to his basketball game at his school.
A few weeks after that dinner, then movies, then basketball camp games, on and on.

We never had an arguement. He'd never pressured me. I never questioned him. I never second guessed him. I was always avaliable. I cancelled plans for him. I was always manicured and perfect for him. He cut his wild hair into a perfect little fade. He was a great gentleman. He was wonderful in front of my family. Introduced me to his family. . We went to fancy dinners and balls. We looked so adorable together. We held hands and kissed and went places in public. People knew we were a "couple. He picked me up from school. He went to dances with me. It was the perfect little fairy tale couple.

So plastic and cookie cutter. We were what everyone thought sweet little cookie cutter kids from his neighborhood should be.

We spent Christmas togehter and New years, took cute little family pictures together... all so perfectly placed. All smiles and dimples. Apple cider and turkey. yuck.

I knew he liked me but I never thought he loved me. He enjoyed spending time with me because I was a perfect little chocolate barbie doll fit for his perfect little barbie world.

I always felt like I was on display with him. Like I was something he needed to graduate from college. Like I was a requirement of some sort. He was a spoiled rich boy, who always got what he wanted.

In April, two weeks before my 16th birthday.
We were in his room (a place we always hung out), his dad was out of town (He didn't live with his mom..she lived in Honolulu but I'd spoke to her on the phone several times). He kissed me (as he always did)...but this time was different. We ended up on his bed. We ended up undressed... we ended up having sex. It was wierd. It was akward. It was not planned. I wasn't ready but I let it happen. I knew I didn't want to but I did. I figured I might as well.

Afterwards we laid in his bed. I didn't talk. I didn't look at him. I wanted to cry. Then this boy that I thought I loved looked at his clock and said "42 minutes, not bad." Got up and got dressed.

For the next two weeks, I didn't really want to talk to him. It felt akward. I sorta felt like I'd been abused...I mean he didn't abuse me but I had that "taken advantage" of feeling. He in no way was at fault for that. I knew I didn't want to but I did anyway. Out of obligation and for lack of loosing my sweet little life.

We went out to dinner with his dad... but Oz seemed distant...he didn't hold my hand. I remember that very specifically. Our hands we're in the general area of each others but we never touched. He took me home and didn't walke me to the door. Even left before I got inside good.

He called me a couple of times but our conversation was dry. I even asked if he didn't like me anymore. He told me, he loved me, I'm his Brownie and he'd always love me. I knew he was lying and I cried after I got off the phone.

For my 16th birthday, my mom gave me the biggest party at this teen club. It was so cracking. My face on a cake, 100 people I knew, 50 people I didn't, balloons, food, friends, family... I was looking super cute. Oz arrived late. and danced with me once. He took picutres with me and stood next to me for a while but the time seemed akward.

The next weekend there was a dance show at this school called LACES. I didn't go...but he went.
Called me before he left and asked me if I wanted to go. I said no. He even called me when he got home.

That following Monday the nosiest girl in school made it her chore to tell me that Oz had showed up, at the show with another girl. Dark skinned, thin, almond shaped eyes. She said she was cute. She said she looked like a dancer. She said she was a junior at his high school. She was me, just a year older. An imitation me.

I didn't cry at first. I just went to class. Then in the middle of my California History Lecture I burst into tears and ran to the bathroom.

I left school early.
When I knew he was home I called him. HE spoke to me in a matter-of-factly attitude. I said "Why?" He says to me "What do you want me to say...I guess I'm sorry."

I was sad for a few weeks. I changed the outgoing message on my pager (so long ago) to that song by Changing Faces..."Foolin Around" . My bestfriend Sonystudios was living with us at the time. She held my hand and listened to me cry. I'd never told her about the sex. I think she sorta just knew.

About 5 years later, I saw his best friend at a club. They were still friends. He told me Oz had went to Honolulu for a while and then ended up at a famous HBCU. He said Oz always talked about me. He said he always asked Oz about me. His bestfriend and I talked for about two hours....We ended up "making out". My so-called vengence.....

About a year after that Oz called me, got my number from someone or somewhere... and Apologized to me. Apolgized hard. Apologized over and over again. Begged for my forgiveness. Told me missed me. And needed a perfect little cookie cutter girl for his current life.(well that's not what he said but that's how I felt) We had lunch and he got teary eyed as apologized again.

He asked for a second chance. I gave him my number and took his. He called me several times after that but we never spoke again.

1 comment:

Kenya Says said...

Wow- you know sometimes that's how it turns out. Your story sounds a bit similar to that of my friends as far as feelings. She'd met this guy when they worked at Taco Bell together. His name was Paco...my friend really liked him. They hung out for a while and eventually it happened. Only it was NOT good. My friend came to me and was hurt. She knew she didn't really want to do it but did. You know how you said that "taken advantage of" feeling. That's how she felt but a bit worse. She felt like he raped her...she said he just kept ramming it in and she bled. I felt bad for her. After that- she never really heard from him.