Saturday, April 05, 2008

ok... so i had a horrible dream last night. well it was so much a horrible feeling that it gave me. it was the content and the incorrect placement of my emotions in the dream that frustrates me.

I am extremely afraid of dreams that are in color...this one was in color but the colors were slightly greyed...not sure what tha means.

ok so here it is:

i was a passenger in a car (a new car) and my cellphone rang. it was a man telling me that i needed to hurry to get to the mortary where they were keeping my mother. for some reason, the announcement that i was going to a mortary for my mother didn't affect me. it didn't make me sad. it felt temporary. like maybe i was going to pick her up from there. or meet her there. it wasn't as if she was dead. the man on the phone was careful not to say she was dead either. he just kept saying i had to SEE her and that she was being KEPT there. he spoke of her in the present sense not past tense which also made me feel that she was alive.

whoever, i was in the car with dropped me off in front of this building that was suposed to be a mortary. i remember being angry that i was by myself. as i walked to the door, i started to feel a sense of dread. not that my mother had died...something else....i can't explain it. the colors in this part of my dream became very dark and blury. hard for me to make out the differences between blues and greys and blacks and beiges it sort of all blended in. only one main object could be seen at a time.

i walked up to this massive building. the door was the kind that should open when you get within proximity to it. when i got close it did not open. it was a sliding door so i could not force it open. there was a push button where you could call into the office and ask them to open it. I rang the door a few times and there was no answer.

i was walking away when another woman and her two children walked up to the door, they were all crying. it was as if they did not see me. sort of like they walked through me. the door opened for them (in an odd way i might add. it like went up...instead of sliding to the side. it slid up into the top....anyhoo) so i went inside with them.

it was as if the lady could see me but not really. like she knew i was there but couldn't see me. she said to me, with her head still down and hand to her face"you shouldn't do that. you should wait your turn" I smacked lips at her and continued inside. She and her kids went to the right. one of her kids looked at me as they walked away, which for some reason scared me.

It was like I stood there inside the door for a minute trying to decide whether to go to the left or to the right. Some man offered to help me but I turned him down.

I decided to go to the left and there were several people walking. everywhere people walking. What is really strange is that i could make out every detail of every face. Even RIGHT now, I could pick these one hundred or so people out in a line up. there faces came to me quickly like in flashes, like really quick clicks of their faces.

it was a subway train terminal. everyone was dressed nicely (like for work) with briefcases and the sort. across the tracks i could see a door that lead into a different area that read "airport". i remember thinking to myself "Oh I'll bring MY (mydaughter) this way when i take her to the airport this summer to visit my mom (in real life she's going there for six weeks this summer yeeeepie!) that thought reminded me that i was there to met my mother at a mortary.

so i turned to go in to the right, in the opposite direction that i had came from. there were so many people walking toward me i couldn't go. i tried to be agressive and walk around them but it just didn't work. i began to have a panic attack. i couldn't get where i needed to be. there was somewhere important that i needed to go and i couldn't get there. i started hyperventilating. and it was strange that no one noticed me. i was invisible again. i realized that these people were walking threw me.

i began to feel more and more that i couldn't breathe. my chest was wheezing. my hands and feet were tingling. and all i kept thinking was 'my mother is going to be so angry'. finally i passed out.

and that's where i woke up....

feeky huh?

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