Monday, March 31, 2008

Things I'm not supposed to say.

There are times when I wish I could get in my car and drive away from it all! My job. My apartment. My life. singleparenthood. California. Inglewood. Carson. Just get away from this fucking neverending cycle that I call my life. Wish I could climb my way out this valley. The mud is just too slippery. Everytime I get a grip I just slide right back into this same shit. Same muck. thick ass mud. I built a house in flood lands. I'm standing here looking at it get washed away.

I wish I could just get on the 10 fwy South and Just go. South America?!. Leave everything. fuck it. Just drive until there's simply nowhere else to drive. Once I got where I ended up I'd just get out my car and stand there in silence and wait. Wait for whatever is next. I'd just stand there and wait until whatever happened.

I get so sick of the regularity of life sometimes. These catagories I'm supposed to fit in. Daughter. Mom. Sister. Friend. Cousin. Employee. Christian. Single. Engaged. Law obiding. Truthful. Honest. Kind. Sweet. Who the fuck decided that I always have to be sweet?

I am tired of being a singlemom. Tired of being the responsible one. He gets to not have a job, no apartment, no possessions (expect what he got when he was with me) and only see his child when he feels like it. Lay around all fucking day with no goals and no future and I HAVE TO have a plan. I HAVE TO go to work. I HAVE TO.

SHIT! I'm tired. I never get a fucking break. 7 days a week. 24 hours a day I am someones mom. I am never just JANE anymore. No one told me I would never just be me anymore. I swear I am going to loose me. scratch that...I am loosing me. I don't remember JANE anymore?!. I mean I do but it's like I just read about her she's this character in some story somewhere...I'm not still her. So much I remember about me that I am not anymore.

There are times when my daughter's personality and mine do not mix. She's a star gazer looking at the world through rose colored glasses, seeing everything and everyplace for the first time. She likes to turn every fucking thing into a game. Imagine that the every walk is a race. Every piece of fabric was left by a princesses dress. Every bit of the world is a fairy tale. For her it's fine. but when I'm fifteen minutes late already I JUST DONT HAVE TIME TO LISTEN! I don't want to know that those cotton balls I dropped in the bathroom look like a "happy little bunny"!

The co-worker that sits behind me is a fuckingidiot. God had a meeting on a cloud one day and the biggest idiot fell down into the cubicle behind me. OMG I want to peel his skin off! He agrevates me to the 99th pissitvity. The next time he goes on a rampage about Obama's face I'm going to spit on him......that's why I coughed on his telephone and keyboard when he went to lunch.

I am tired of being lonely. It's an un-intimate lonely. I Have friends. I have church friends. I have friends I can cry to. I have friends I can gossip too I have catch a cup of coffee friends. I even have just sit and look at the sun set friends. I have family. I have an intimate detailed relationship with Christ. I love myself. I have goals and beliefs and values but I feel like I'm missing something. An intimacy...a closeness... Am I? Am I missing out on somehting?

I hate people who don't speak English and get an attitude when you don't understand what they are saying.

I fucking hate when people tell me that I'm "pretty for a dark skin girl" Who the fuck decided that there's only one form of pretty? Fuck you.

And who is he to think that knows something bout me? He is not a part of my REAL life. He's a part of the life I allow him to see. The part that I let him believe in. The part I allow him to think he's apart of...shit that's what the fuck he does for me. For him to believe he knows me enought to make comment on JANE?! That shit takes NUTS! A lotta fucking nuts! And from a man who can't hold his nut for three minutes I'm supposed to learn about patience! That's why I don't call you!

I hate when I smile and say hello and bitches scrunch up their fucking faces... Bitch the sun is shinning take a shit and have a good day once in a while! ARGGH..

Where is everybodying getting money for brand new cars these days. EVERYFUCKINPERSON in Inglewoood has a brand new car but me?! I work 96 hours a paycheck and I ain't got a new car?! Somebody tell me what I don't know?!

Just cause I bring up the fact that you used to work at the burger spot that we are eating at does not mean I'm hating on you bitch! We're eating at the fucking place... Stop fucking hiding from your past and you wouldn't have to shush me when I bring shit up!

Sigh... now that I got that off my chest.... I feel much much better... debate with me if you want to...I don't care...



Monie said...

Well damn girl. I felt your anger all up and through here. This was an excellent post.

Just A Girl From L.A. said...

Inglewood! Carson! LOL My towns!!! Love the blog! :)

Nina said...

I might not know your exact struggle, but I get you. You must trust in your own strength and know that those things: being a single mom, not having a new car, having a shithead for a baby daddy...that's not who you are. This is apart of your voice. Your daughter is the most awesome gift you could have given yourself....she is the part of you that is still innocent and unaffected by the world.

All I can say is....soldier on..things eventually get easier.



As for the not feeling like you used to be, thats a good thing, thats growth, as the not having timefor you, thats normal, youdont have time, you have a baby, but that baby is a blessing! As for the new car tihng, thats fine, becaues they are all living pay check t opaycheck to pay for that car. And guess what ? their debt to income ratio is high as hell, and they will apy for it in the long run because they owe more on finaned items then you will be able to get urself a house one day , they wont cause their credit will be shot.

Remember everyting happens for a reson. When you fidn your responsible loving handsome man, that takes care of you, you will appreciate him even more.

Chin up. back str8, and breathe, this is called life. And some have it worse enjoy what you do haev and be proud that you CAN make it on your own ! :)

jirzygurl said...

we all feel like this from time to time and we all feel better after we vent! OHHSA indeed!

Kenya Says said...

Don't mind me- just taking some time to look back on some bloggers old posts...I must say this one moved me...I feel this same way quite life is so mundane- I get so sick of it sometimes... I just wanna get away!!!

Kenya Says said...

Check my blog for a response to this...entitled "Temporary Checkout"