Monday, November 26, 2007

"I hate how much I love you boy..."

Many long years ago..ok four or five years ago. I met a guy name Fls (yeah I switched up his what). The first date we ever went on I fell in love with him. Everything about him. Except the fact that we're the same exact height. But he is truely my equal...shit he knows it. We both felt the same way. After that first date, we saw each other everyday for almost 3 months.

When we first met My was about a year, when my momma still lived in Cali and I'd actually get weekends and days in the middle of the week with out a child. We did everything together. I was over his apartment more than at my own. plus he had a big screen tv that his momma brought him and cable and I had a floor model tv and didn't even have a dvd player. Then my psycho deranged insecurites kicked in... I felt myself falling for him and I ran from that feeling. I wanted to be as far away from that feeling as possible. Yet I was jealous of everythuing he did. Every move he made. He went out of town for the week, he asked me to take him to the airport; but didn't ask me to pick him up. In my crazed puff the magic dragon mind that was a reason to believe he was cheating on me... Now that I look back and I know that it was psycho and random...but I really believed it.

I stopped calling him. Stopped answering his calls. Stopped texting him. Stopped visiting him. Just stopped.

I think I lightweight broke him. He changed and not for the better. He doesn't trust me anymore. Well, not with his heart at least... He did let me borrow one of his cars once. But I can't break back into his heart. Not in that way. Not like we used to be.

All these years and he and I are still tight. We still have the most beautiful conversations about everything and nothing. He still can put a smile on my face with just a smile. He still sings me Prince songs and sends me the most beautiful text messages and leaves me long voice mail messages about nothing. And when I'm having a bad day he's the person I call...other than Studios... By trade he is motivational (he's a youth conselor and his part-time job is sorta like that super nanny show) and I love him even more for it.

Now it's a different kind of love though. It's different from the love I have for Crazyc in that my love for Crazyc is like love for an old toy you had as a kid, you don't know why you love it you just do. With Fls, there are very specific things and elements about him that I adore. Things he does and the way he does them. Things he won't do. Things he would never compromise.

I don't know it's just weird. He's such a honest person. The kinda dude that lays it all out to you. Very direct. He doesn't make reasons to have to apologize. A real honorable guy. Very expressive. Let's the people who he loves know that he loves them. Very in your face about the fact that you are someone he holds dear. Educated. About his money. And takes care of his son dedicatedly.

Honestly, and don't tell no body I said this, a lot of our affection for each other is that we both wish we could trade in the people we had children with for each other. Not to say we don't both have wonderful children...because we do and if we hadn't had them with the two people we had them with they would be different...but we both admire the love we share for our children I can speak for him on this subject cause we've talked about it at length. Not to belittle the relationship I had with my daughter's father...shit, fuck it...I don't care, I;ll belittle his-29-years-old-working-at-a-chicken-shack-ass as much as i feel like it; but Fls and I have always fluttered with the idea that things would be different if he were my daughter's dad and I was his son's mother.

The mother of the son is really trippin on him now. Moved the son to a new state. He damn near died. Balled his self up into a big ole ball. It was hard because this was happening to him at the same time I was with Mr.Wonderful. I didnt' really know how to handle, wanting to be there for Fls and wanting to start a relationship with Mr. Wonderful.

On my birthday; after my fabulous weekend with Mr. Wonderful I went over to Fls's house and he played that song he wrote for me. Not asking me for nothing... just letting me hear it. He sang me prince songs and we jumped on the bed together...that's it.

He got through it. He got custody of his son for the summer and a week in the winter. Which he was not happy with.

Then this bitch, against order of the court moves to another state, doesn't tell him. He had to hire a detective and a lawyer to find her. Now, he's taking her to court for full custody. The trial is Thursday. He is so nervous and anxious and busting at the seams he doesn't know what to do with his self.

The trial is in downtown LA and he lives about 1.5 hours away, in California morning traffic so I offered to let him stay with me Wednesday so he'd only have a 20 minute drive to court.

As many times as I've spent the night at his house. He has only ever spent the night at mine once or twice. And never with my daughter here. I think he's nervous. He was asking me should he bring anything and just rambling on about it. I thought it was cute... but I'm realizing I'm kinda nervous too... but why? Prolly a lil cus My will be here. I intend on making his stay a secret to her. But it still feels weird.

just some randomness to lay on ya...

Still crazyc free... pray for me yall.


Monie said...

Aw, I like this guy for you. Keep us updated.

Jenny said...

yeah...I do too but it just aint that simple.