Saturday, October 20, 2007

Home Sweet Home

Ok so I finally have my computer. I can type and write as much as I want to. No more breaks just because I don’t have the supplies…Y’all know I need my tools to get my job done. Well it’s not really a job but its something I absolutely love to do.

In the time and age when everyone has a computer and everyone blogs about their life, isn’t it refreshing to believe that mine will be different? Well it’s not. I’m just Jenny. Just like everyone else. Ain’t nothing special, except I do tend to get into a lot of drama and I try to tell the whole truth. Even though there’s definite possibility that someone I really know could discover this blog one day and find out all my secrets… oh well I really don’t care anyway…

I’m just loving the idea, that there’s a possibility that someone, somewhere may be able to read my words and relate to them. It’s such a beautiful relief to realize that one can be understood. That someone can read my words and say “well, damn. I feel you Jen. I truly feel you.”

Now that I’m at the hizzy while I type; I’ll be able to type in my jimmies or late at night when I wake up restless or type what ever the fuck I want with no fear that the job is reading…You know what would be truly ironic and entirely like me? If I continued to write as scarcely as when I didn’t have a computer…..LOL…

Ok, Let’s get to what every one really wants to know...who the hussy is sleeping with.

Well the last time I wrote, when I was in Illinois, I mentioned that Mr. Wonderful and I had broken up…gees was that hard. It was self defeating.

That whole week, I had an ache in my stomach that something wasn’t right with us; but, when I finally asked him what was really going on, between he and I, I never expected that he would flip out and turn into Mr. Scaredy Cat. It was like he thought I was trying to put a lock down on his ass. Put him behind doors or something. It really hurt. I prolly over reacted… because I was loving with my heart and not my head, but I needed him to say “ Jen, after 7 months, this is how I feel about you…”. Instead, he said “ I don’t know”. All that time and he didn’t know. I was once again just another chic. Here he is know as Mr. Wonderful on my blog and I was “I don’t know” to him.

I really cried. I mean like hard core movie of the week tears; I closed the bathroom door and became a sobbing ball of mess. Sigh.

Ambo came by that same day, just by chance, or by heavenly design, to bring me some boxes (since I was moving). She saw what a debacle I had become and tried to save me from myself. We went to Martinez’s house and watched “Black Snack Moan”. They smoked while I drank away the hurt.

That night, Crazyc called me and I cried to him. For the first time ever, in all our 13 years, he heard me cry. Not just bitching to him about something, really sad, uncontrollable crying. I don’t think he knew what to do with that. I think it made him feel like he needed to protect me. Since then he’s really been here for me.

Now, he’s still his old selfish ass self. But I know how much he cares. We talk pretty much daily. We’re doing the hanky panky and all but it’s not what you could call a relationship…well at least I don’t think so. I don’t ever think CrazyC and I will ever marry and be the Huxtables; but, you know that song by that girl that I don’t her name called “I’ll always be your lady”? Well I’ll always be his lady.

Back to Mr. Wonderful, one day about a month after the conversation about whether or not we were going to be together or not. I got pissed, like hella pissed. I wrote him a long email asking about why he hadn’t called me or anything and saying that I deserved a better ending than that. He wrote me back apologetically and we started a friendship from there.

One day, after about a month of just emailing each other, he wrote to me:
“I don’t know how you’re going to take this but I miss your lips..”

I didn’t know how to take it. I didn’t know what to write so I conferred with Sonystudios.

She wouldn’t tell me what to write. She simply threatened to beat the shit out of him if he hurt me again. She just told me to be careful and really think about what I wanted. I didn’t. I hung up with her went to my desk and wrote that I missed him too.

We went on a date the next week. Football game for his god son, sushi, and I ended up spending the night at his house. We did it (I’m in Jr. High). It wasn’t like before. It was different. He was never so aggressive before. I liked it. We got breakfast and he brought me home in the morning. I called him Sunday but it was weird an awkward. I thought of never speaking to him after that. We didn’t talk for a day. Then he called me and asked me what was wrong. I couldn’t explain it. It just felt weird.

A few weeks later he came over to watch a movie. He spent the night. That was still different. I won’t get explicit (you’ll get that in the book version) but what he did to me that night made me fall asleep instantaneously. I woke up beaming. Two people commented that day on my glow….

So now the drag is, I have two “Sumathatime” men. Neither are really my boyfriend. I really care about both of them and I have been. I could go either way on who I love the most. And I know if either found out it could blow up in my face. It’s just that they each have their own places in my heart. It’s strange, I’m 26 and still a playa. You’d think I’d be over this.

You know what I really wish? I wish that I could figure a way to move them both in with me. It would be so perfect. (for me of course). It wouldn’t be ok when I came home and caught them together or something ….ewwww the thought makes my stomach hurt.

All jokes aside, I’m still lonely. Still wishing I had one real boyfriend. Sigh. I’m starting to believe that it’s just not for me.

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