Friday, October 26, 2007

First late night post ever....Why I just can't let him go...

I'm feeling much better today than in previous days.

Crazyc came by last night. It was like 2:30am (so more like this morning). We had been on the phone talking, like always, from about 8pm. The battery on my phone went dead, as he said he was turning down my street. I came in to the livingroom and saw flashing police lights and heard a siren out my front window. I walked to the window and saw a police car with both the doors wide open stopped at the hood of Crazyc's car. All I could see was a female police officer, gun drawn, pointing over the hood of his car yelling, "get your hands out of your pockets now!"

If I never knew I loved him, I knew it then. My heart jumped out of my chest through my mouth and fell on the ground. I ran to the front door (blue night thingy on and everything) not thinking about what I would do once I opened it. And there he was standing. Once my mind made sense of the situation and I realized that the gun wasn't drawn at him (it was at some hoodlum down the street). I started to cry.

When I was 20 and he was 22 he was shot. Just standing at the gas station pumping his gas, prolly looking a little too thug, prolly mean mugging somebody. Once in the shoulder. My hand can fit in the space between the scar and his heart. I touch it everytime he is shirtless. I can fit my hand in the space between his life and his early death.

Last night, I remembered how he looked in that light blue hospital gown, the white bows tied in the back, his braids still oh-so-perfect, his hospital bracelet with his full name typed neatly in times roman 12 font, him looking at my scared face, him purposely not making eye contact with me, him telling his bestfriend, New, that he didn't want to see me, me shaking my head yes, and telling New to tell him I still love him. New grabbing my hand and walking me down stairs, him rubbing the middle of my back and telling me seeing me right then was prolly too much for Crazyc. Crazyc told me later he just didn't want to see me pregnant with another dude's baby.

Last night, I remembered how important he is to me. Whether we're humping or not. I'll always love him. He'll always be my first love. The person I tell everything to....well almost everything it's a lot I got to leave out...but I do tell him just about everything.

After he was inside the door, he wiped my face with his hand with one gentle swipe and hugged me. He knew exactly why I was crying. It was the type of moment only two people that know each other too well can share. We didn't talk about it (Prolly because he couldn't speak seeing me in the blue night thingy) but I know he remembered too.

Didn't I say we've got history?

Sounds like a ghetto tale, huh? Nope...just my life.



This reminds me of my Ex. The one i left for my Fiance. I had to choose between a thug or a good future. I knew i would be living in the slums and pregnant with like 20 kids if i stayed with that guy...sometimes i miss his thuggish ruggish but i look at my man now and im happy to see a MAN you know what i mean?
Its weird. We never can let go of our First Loves....

Jenny said...

I really would discribe Crazyc as a thug. He's a college graduate who teaches elementary school.... but I feel you.

Monie said...

Do you do this on purpose????

"I can fit my hand in the spot between his life and his early death"