Friday, June 16, 2006

Where Have I been?

We’re still together. No problems. I’m learning to “be” in a relationship.

I guess it’s kind of hard for me, because I haven’t been in a real relationship for almost three years. I mean I’ve been close (Classic, Rickroc, Ruben) but not with someone who feels the way that Bobby feels about me. Not in a long time.

It’s just that he already knows that he has strong feelings for me…he’s told me, on several occasions. The things is I have feelings for him…I think I even love him…(Major psychological break through with that comment) but I am not as set in conviction as he is about his feelings.

When he says ‘I love you” to me there is no hesitation, no apprehension, its fluid and he means it.

I am so fearful when I’m about to say it to him that I seem to have to think about what I’m about to say, then inhale and exhale it out. What’s up with me? Have I been so scorned that I’ve developed a fear of intimacy? I think so.

Sony studios and I had a long conversation about this last night.

I got issues. Abandonment issues. Intimacy issues. Trust issues. But it seems these issues mainly revolve around my romantic relationships. I didn’t use to be this way. I use to live and love freely.

I think back to a guy I dated name Ravi. I was free then…sort of dumb but free of this baggage. Now I’m that girl Erykah Badu warned “You might miss your bus, cause you got to much stuff…”

I got to get back to old me. 2001 me! (well not everything about 2001 Jenny, I want to get back to.) but the Care free and no issues chic, who was light and ready for what ever came her way.

Sigh. I need a vacation…oh yea I’m going to the Bahamas in 14 days!


Ms. Write said...

Guuuuurrrllll... tha Bahamas? I'm jealous! I hope you have a blast. I'm really glad you and Bobby are doing well. I hope the relationship continues to be a blessing in your life.

Peace and blessings!

jirzygurl said...

girl... don't miss the bus!! you deserve a good solid relationship... Have fun in the bahamas!