Tuesday, June 06, 2006

help, i've falling and I can't get up.

I haven’t been posting lately. There’s so much that I should’ve written but just didn’t have the time.

AMP and I have faded to black. I think he has some issue with the fact that I have a child and that for me is a deal breaker.

Bobby and I are an item, I guess. We’ve been spending all our time together. Every weekend is a set date.

But, last week he started doing this very odd thing. At the end of one of our conversations he said “Love you.” I was shocked. What do I say to this? It stunned me. How do I respond? Do I say ‘love you too’ if I don’t really mean it? Do I question him about IT? Or do I just pretend IT never happened until I’m really ready to say IT?

Well I guess I choose a road that has gotten me sunk into something I really don’t know how to handle. I reciprocated. And now it’s like I’m pushed into saying IT every time we speak.

Now, it’s not that I don’t…you know him. I have very strong feelings for him and I think he’s a great guy, most of the time. It’s just I don’t have that floating on air, can’t live with out you type feeling that I think I’m supposed to have. I just have a genuine nice feeling for him, not necessarily love.

I know, I know I shouldn’t haves said IT if I didn’t really mean IT. But I feel like one day I will… Some day’s I feel like I definitely do. Other’s I think I could just peel my eyelashes off.

He the sweetest guy most days... Rubs my feet, brought me groceries, Loves MY, family orientated, works hard...He's just an East side boy to the core. He does sometimes convert into that old standing on the block bull shit that I can't stand. That fucken white-tee and jeans shit. That pronouncing words with the 'ed' shit. I HATE IT!!!!

But most days he's kind and speaks intelligently and vividly and is romantic and honest.The other day after what sounded like a guilt tripped phone call with his granny he says to me “Will you marry me?” I don’t answer I just frown at him and walk into the bathroom. I didn’t really have to go I just didn’t want to have to look at his face to see if he was serious. He puts his face on the bathroom door and says “Marry me and take me away from all of this” I yell through the door, “not if that’s the only reason”, he laughs. I could still hear him against the door. I open it and he wraps his arms around me… “Next year…” I say “Next year what?” He says “Marry me next year.” I break away from him because I was having an anxiety attack that I severely needed to disguise, and say “Come on let’s go…” I grab our coats and open the door.

I think…ok I’ll be serious I know that I have a fear of commitment. I have stressful anxiety about it, get constipated over it…I know. But wouldn’t I feel different if this truly was the ONE. That is if there were such a thing? Is it me?


jirzygurl said...

ok the things you don't like about him are trivial!! he sounds great... but you should definitely not say IT if you don't mean IT. But don't miss out on a good thing due to your own fears... why are you a commitment-phobe? Is it because you think you'll miss out on something being tied down?? or is it a defense (like I'll push him away b4 he can push me away) type of thing?? I think you should probably examine why you have anxiety over commitment... but I am a bitter ex-fiancee so what do I know! LOL!

jirzygurl said...