Thursday, October 20, 2005

Is my living in Vain?

Sunday I didn't invite class because it was supposed to just be the ladies. Well apparently when class found out that it was more than just the girls he felt that I was leaving him out of my life. so he had a sort of attitude with me when I spoke to him Tuesday morning.

SO he doesn't call me that evening.

He doesn't call me all day Wednesday.

SO I called him Today.

This mornings conversation put a whole new perspective on our relationship.

I realize that we all have choices and we all choose to be where we want to be and I think I have put myself in a situation where I can be seriously hurt. I can see it.

Like when you're about to be in a car accident and there is nothing you can do. If you move one way you'll drive off the bridge if you keep going straight you'll have a head on collision if you move the opposite way you'll run into on coming traffic and if you sit still you'll get ran over. I'm terrified.

Class went to the doctor somehow he and the doctor started talking about how he needs to start thinking about his future and getting married and having children. And so he and I got into this long conversation about how he is different from most people in his expectation of relationships.He feels he has a higher expectation than most people and if he were in a "real" (yes he said that) relationship he would be emotionally abusive right now because he's "fucked up emotionally".

Our conversation went on and on and he is so afraid of opening up he's so afraid of letting go, he's afraid of being hurt, he's afraid of being used, he even said he doesn't want to have to depend on his wife...

He is so full of "average" fears that he has compiled them into this enormous fear of love and feeling that addicted feeling that happens after you're with someone for about a month.

I ended up telling him that he will never feel that way about me. I have no need to want to hurt him. He sighed and I could tell his attitude was a little cold.

I then invited him to go to Knott's Scary Farm Sunday and he sounded extra excited. SO what the hell is going on? What the hell am I supposed to feel?

But I'm a little burnt. I know how I feel about him. I know that I know that I know that I already have feelings for him that mirror love.

I know I'm putting myself out there to get ran over and I can't stop myself...help me please...

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Hate to say it but get out. I know it hurts. But when you find that person who pulls you and gets all that shit going? Is the one to avoid.