Tuesday, September 07, 2004

it's official

no one loves me.

friday i went to the movies with my sister, i was supposed to go with rickroc but his ass didn't call me all da.y so around 7 i said 'fuck it' and asked bigsis to go. we saw Wicker Park...which i thought was going to be about this crazy chic who was stalkin some dude...but no...they advertise it all wrong. its' a totally different film.and it's frustrating becuase the bitch should have gotten her ass beat..but she didn't. she got away, free and clear.

we should've saw the Cookout...black-folks-actin-a-ass is always good for the funny bone...not necessarily for the betterment of our people...but it gives the diaphragm a good workout.

Hernandez called me and left me a message to call him..but i didn't get home til 1 am (we went to dinner and to the 11:00 movie) so i didn't call him back.

so saturday, i called him and his cellphone was disconnected...what the? and he hasn't called me or came by since...have i been dissed? has my cutie up and decided to go elsewhere? i am really sort of annoyed by this. i feel sad and hurt and really bad... was it something i said? the only reason he has for not callin me are #1. he lost his phone and doesn't have my number written down...if this is the case, he had three days to stop by and leave a damn note #2. his phone was cut off...still no reason not to call. #3. he was deported...i doubt this very highly. #4. he decided he's had enough of me...BINGO!!!! this is my life. no one cares. no one ever makes a true connection with me. alas, i'm back to my declaration of hermit-ism. I'm going to go live under a rock.

saturday day I washed my ten thousand loads of clothes. i met some dude, we'll call him e-con, he's no hernandez but he was nice.

Rickroc called me talking about nothing. What is the point of our conversations? nothing.

My was acting so bad this weekend. I wanted to through her in the trash. or get a refund or take her back for and exchange or something. She's whinning all the time and acting like a little brat. AHHHHHH!!!! I wanted to scream!!!!

Von, this guy I met at the club like ten thousand weeks ago, called me Saturday. Just to say that he'd been thinking about me ever since he met me and that he had to call me... ok, yeah, so you wait three weeks...anyways. I remembered him. He was real cool. We sat on the patio at the Dragonfly that one Thursday, talking about everything. He was real good conversation. Anyways I had his ass laughing up a storm that's generally how I reel them in. have them thinkin they "feel me"...I just can't get them to like me for longer than six months.

Sunday I called My's dad at 10:30 a.m. and asked him to watch her because I was going crazy... and he said 'yes' I was happy so I went to buy my self a little somethin somethin to wear for going to the club.(she cried the entire time in the store. I wanted to be one of those parents that abused thier children. I swear I did) when i get home there's a message from My's dad tellin me that he can't watched her now. I was livid. I called his ass and he had nothing to say. Talking about"Oh, the homie want's to go to the club, so now we're going" he's so fuckin immature that his dumb ass hung up in my face. So I told him he can't see My again until he decides to be an adult.

I got my aunt to watch her. Asha, Muq and Asha's friend Cole all went to this club in Long Beach where it was supposed to be the after party for this Beanie Man performance. It wasn't. It was crackin or nothing. THe DJ was HOT!!! He played everysingle song I've ever wanted to hear. and was n't just becuase I was drunk. One Incredible Hulk and one Hypnotiq = Drunk Jenny.

Monday morning after My's dad's ass den got to do everything he wanted to do he calls me on some ok-I've-calmed-down bull shit.
I told his ass "why are you calling here? You are no longer allowed to do that."

I never wanted to be one of those mother's that didn't let the child's father see them but I just feel that there's no benefit that My gets from being around him. I know, I know he's her dad but other than that, he's a stupid ass. I can not stand him. I don't ask his ass for shit. not for one damn thing. Watching her is the least he could do. Do you know that he has the nerve to say to me
"I told you that I wasn't going be able to do nothing for her before you had her"
so I told his ass "and I told you that if you can't do shit for her don't be around her. so since you ain't doing shit, you can not be around her. You smoke weed around her you don't do nothing for her, theres' another nigga takin care of your responsibilties so there is no need for you. You don't even call your daughter every day or even once a week"
He says "Yeah that's my bad, I be having stuff to do"
I say "what?Taking care of yourself? That's how you've always been. Only worried about you."
He says "and you're how you've always been"
I say "And that's what My needs. Some one to make sure she's eating, clothed, showered, has a home, is not thirsty, someone she can play with, especially since she only has one parent to do those things with."
He gets quiet. Then he tells me "so I can't see my baby to day"
I say "no" and hang up.

I'm sick of him. He thinks that he just gets to be a parent when he wants to. It doesn't work that way. Either, you stop being a little boy and grow the fuck up or you don't get to be around her at all. I know he's going to pull some ole I'm-calling-the-law bullshit. I just wish he would. I really wish so. You can't have rights if you ain't respecting the law. You are not going to get granted visitation if your ass ain't paying child support. He quit his other job so that he wouldn't have to pay child support for his son.

Monday My was acting a ass again. I don't know if it was the heat or what, (it was 101 degrees outside) but I think, she thinks, she doesn't have to do what anyone tells her ass. If you tell her something, she'll just ignore you or she'll just start whinning. I can not stand whinning. It makes me feel uncontrollably angry with her. I have not hit her or anything but I want to. I know that's bad and I feel like a bad mother because I can just see my self throwing my one year old out the window. anyways I told her to lay down, while I took my shower and she started up her crying crap again. She would not shut up. I gave her a bath, put on her clothes, did her hair and she just kept crying. I wanted to throw her across the room. I eventually told her to get out. I gave her her chair and made her sit outside on the porch. I told her she couldn't come in until she decided to be a good girl. she decided to stay outside until we left for bigsis's house.

Bigsis made greens and macaroni and chicken and fruit salad and cake and ice cream. I brought chicken from El Pollo Loco. I was still suffering from my hangover.

Muq came with me to bigsis's. She brought sodas.

We generally get together on Holiday's since we really don't have that much family togetherness anymore. but we watched a bootleg copy of Collateral, a rerun of the BET awards and the Dave Chappelle Show. we laughed and had a ball.

This morning Von called me at work, just to tell me he was thinkin about me

Reality Check:
#1. I had to tell My's daycare, that if her dad came by to call the police.
#2. I haven't talked to Hernandez since Thursday.
#3. My is still acting up.
#4. I haven't paid my rent.
#5. I forgot about court on the 2nd now I have a third FTA.
#6. Today would be the day that I could get my car out of impound if I had the ends to do so.
#7. I should be working on curriculum stuff right now instead of typing this.
#8. I missed my first sorority meeting for the year last week and I miss my sorors.
#9. I have a stress headache.
#10. I'm offically going crazy.

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